Driving myself insane

The speaker is frustrated with themselves for recording long audio files and deleting them. They are starting a podcast as an assignment and want to stop procrastinating. They want to have the freedom to talk about whatever they want and express themselves honestly. They mention being a blunt and talkative person who struggles with filtering their thoughts. They hope that their podcast will allow them to share their thoughts without worrying about being judged. The speaker also discusses their discomfort with jumping straight into topics without an introduction and their dislike for abrupt scene changes in movies and shows. Okay, I'm literally driving myself insane, because I keep recording really long videos. Not videos, like audio files of myself. And then I hate them and delete them, and they're too long. So, I'm gonna redo it, and this is the last time I'm gonna let myself do it. And I'm trying to, like, breathe and not make a big deal out of it. So let's just do this. I know my first episode's gonna be horrible. Everybody's is, and it's bad so that you can learn from there. So, disclaimer, that's what all this is about. Anyway, hello. My name is Addison. I go by Addie. I live in Oklahoma, and I am in my last semester at Southwestern Oklahoma State University, SLOSU. And I, yeah, I mean, you don't want to know about me. But basically, I'm doing this podcast for an assignment. Hello, Dr. Boyles. She is my amazing professor that is having us do this assignment. And it's not, you don't necessarily have to do a podcast. It's just, like, you pick your own project. And I picked this because this is, I've been wanting to start a podcast for a very long time. And I'm just so, like, hard on myself. I'm like, and I'm a procrastinator. I'm like, nobody wants to hear what I say. What am I gonna talk about? What am I gonna record on? I just always come up with an excuse. So, I'm just gonna do it and stop being a weenie. And then, if I really like it, then I'll put more effort into it and, like, you know, maybe buy some little microphones and get myself a little area to do my podcast and stuff. Because it is, as I said at the beginning, very odd. I recorded that, like, three days ago, by the way, that beginning little part. But it's really hard, like, sitting and talking to yourself. I don't know how it is for other people. Because if I'm with someone, I literally, I know I talk too much. Because I can talk to them to the point where I can't, like, I can't talk anymore. Because my vocal nodules, like, flare up and get bad. And I realize I've been talking someone's head off when my throat starts hurting. And I'm like, I need to chill. So, but I think that's the whole point of a podcast is for me to, like, get all my talking out so I don't, you know, bore other people. So, I'm gonna try to not, like, make this 15 minutes because that's annoying. And this first episode is kind of just to, like, this isn't what I want my channel to be. This is just kind of, like, an introduction video. Because I feel like it's weird when you, like, like, I started a true crime podcast recently. And literally, not even five minutes in, probably, like, less than three minutes in. Like, it was two girls and they introduced themselves and then they're like, alright, let's talk about Ted Bundy. Like, and I know that's the whole point why you're listening to a true crime and nobody wants to, like, listen to a big introduction. Because they don't really care about the person doing the podcast. But I just think it's, I'm not like that. Like, I don't like jumping into stuff. I hate, it's not really the same thing, but I absolutely hate in movies and shows and stuff. When you'll be, like, say you're, like, ten season into this show and you're loving it. And you're, like, oh, I'm almost close to the end and you're on an episode and it's, like, so good. And then it, like, cuts to a different scene and it's, like, 20 years later. I don't know why. I think I'm just too big on, like, details and stuff. But I absolutely hate when people do that. It's just, like, I don't know. It gives me a gross feeling. It's kind of like the feeling when you, like, have been out all night with your friends. Just going so hard, like, you know, playing cards, drinking, whatever. And you're having the time of your life and then you notice the sun starts coming up. And I've had talks with other people about this. So, I know at least some people know what I'm talking about. But you literally just instantly feel, like, sick and gross. And you're, like, oh, God. Like, I need to go home right now and go to sleep because I've literally been up all night. And it's even worse if you have to work the next day or something or have something to do. So, I don't even remember what I was talking about. Different subject. But, yeah, I just want to kind of give myself free range to talk about whatever the hell I want. Because there's no way that I could just stay on one topic. And I'm also, I don't know if anyone's even going to listen to this because you're not going to learn anything. You might be entertained. I don't know if you have the same sense of humor as me. But, like, I like listening to podcasts, like, certain podcasts. But I'm not going to pull up an article and just read it off about somebody getting murdered. And I don't really care that much. I want to do research. And that sounds horrible. But I don't want to just, I don't want to put myself in a box. I want to be able to talk about whatever I want whenever I want. So, yeah. And another little, I don't know if you'd say disclaimer, but note that I would like to make that I literally forgot to put in the other three videos that I made. I keep saying videos. You guys know what I mean. Like, I'm not videoing myself. It's like a voice memo. But a big part of this podcast that I talk to my professor about is that, like, I've always been the type of person to, like, I say the inappropriate thing. I address the elephant in the room. I'm confrontational. Like, I say what nobody else wants to say. And most of the people in my family are like that. We're very blunt. So I grew up thinking that that was normal. And then I would be with, like, my, I grew up, like, sort of religious kind of, but I had lots of, like, very Southern Baptist friends, I guess you could say. And I was, like, I remember I would say something that I, like, did not think was out of pocket at all. And their parents and them would, like, look like fish gasping for air. And, like, it was entertaining. And they would, like, laugh. And they also were, like, what the hell is this kid on? Like, why is she just saying the most random, like, you know what I mean? And it's not that I was rude. Like, how other kids are, like, why do you look like that? I wasn't like that. But, like, when I was, like, very young, I feel like I would be, like, you're spitting when you're talking. Or be, like, this story's boring. I don't care. And that's very mean. Because, like, if a kid said that to me, I think I'd go cry in private. But the whole point, you get what I'm saying. I can't think of specific examples. But I am a very blunt person. I say out-of-pocket shit all the time. I have, like, an interesting mind. And I'm not trying to be, like, cocky. Like, I'm so different, quirky. I'm a pick me. I just, I have, like, a complex, different mind. And I think I'm a communications major. And I think a lot of us do. And that's why we get along so well. Because our minds kind of work the same way. And it's, like, the creative, like, wheels are turning 24-7. You can't keep a thought in your head because you have so much going on up there. And I'm also the type of person where, like, I'm very bad at, like, faking stuff. So, like, if I'm not having fun, you're going to know it. And I, if I start a job and it's horrible, I'm going to quit. And I think that everybody kind of wants to be like that. But people are not raised that way. Or they're too shy. Or they're scared. And I'm all of those things, too, at points. But overall, I just like to say what I say. And I always tell people this is horrible. And, like, I'm not bragging about it necessarily. But I've just learned to accept it. Because I'm never going to teach myself to not do it. No matter, like, how much training I do for myself or, you know, how you can, like, train yourself to speak a different way or go to therapy so you, like, aren't, or get rid of a tick or something. Like, not like a blood-sucking tick, like a, like, brick on the middle and he, like, whispers stuff. He's like, whisper stuff. Y'all know what I'm talking about. Anyway, hopefully you do. But, like, a tick. You can, like, train yourself to get rid of a tick or something. And I've tried for 23 years about. In a month, it'll be 23 years. And it's never happened. So, but the whole point I was going to say, I just realized at a very young age that I don't know what's coming out of my mouth before I say it. Like, and that's why I'm, like, I'm, like, a loose cannon. And I will tell people that because I'm, like, when I get nervous, especially, like, this radio station that I just started interning at, I never realize that he's going to, like, have me talk. And I have horrible anxiety. And he'll just randomly call me out. And I feel like I say very inappropriate things that you shouldn't say on the radio. But it's literally because, like, I have no thoughts. Like, I do, obviously. But never in my life have I, like, it's very rare that I think about what I'm going to say before I say it. I just, like, let the words flow and hope they make sense. And sometimes they don't. And I ramble. And I also have realized this as I've gotten older and everybody else has, too, that when I'm in, like, an uncomfortable scenario or environment, I just talk, talk, talk, talk, talk. Because, like, I think it's weird when people want to, like, either, most people don't know how to carry a conversation. So it makes me uncomfortable. So I just talk the whole time. But also, like, I think it's rude when you're, like, with somebody and, like, I didn't, like, plan to hang out with my friend for a month and not see them for six months. I'm so excited to see them. And then I feel like they just want to, like, sit in silence. And, like, I don't know. And a lot of them aren't like that. And I know I do talk too much. But it's never going to change, so whatever. But, yeah, anyway, this is getting kind of long. And I wanted to keep it short, so I will wrap it up. But I basically, the whole point of this podcast is I just want to cover, I want to discuss, like, uncomfortable, taboo, gross topics that nobody else wants to talk about. Like, but also I feel like I'm bringing a spin to it because, like, not that I don't care about being, like, politically correct because I don't want to get canceled. Not that anyone's going to listen to this. That would cancel me. And I don't really believe in cancel culture. But, like, I'm from Oklahoma and we, like, are different than everybody else. And I know I sound like, so pick me again. Like, we're different. But I've been to a lot of other places and I've met lots of people from different places. And I just feel like Oklahomans have, like, a certain je ne sais quoi, I guess you could say. But, yeah, I don't really know the word I'm looking, I don't even know where I was going with that. But, like, I just want to cover topics that nobody else wants to talk about and no one ever wants to bring up and people are scared to talk about. So that's what I'm going to do. And, oh, I was talking about the politically correct thing. Sorry, I literally can't keep a thought in my head. Like, I want to be politically correct, but I do, I don't, I'm not able to think about what I say before I say it. It just comes out. And I am very honest and blunt about how I feel about things. And I know it's super messed up. And when people hear me say it, they're like, what, huh? Like, what did she just say? But it's just me and it's my personality and it's never going to change. And I've found people that love that about me. And then I've met people that don't like that about me. And most people will get used to it after a while. But someone who's grown up in an atmosphere where, like, everybody, like, you know, not timid necessarily, but it's very, like, polite and you don't really ever say anything to, like, step on anybody's toes or, like, you don't, you're not honest about stuff. And I'm going to be honest about anything. Like, that's the one word that I would use to describe myself. Like, everybody wants that in an interview or whatever, honest. Like, and it's funny too because it's, it's, I don't want to hurt people's feelings. So, like, my mom's boyfriend, he was talking to her one time and he said, if you want the truth, like, say you're wearing an outfit and you're like, does this make me look fat? He was like, if you want the truth, don't ask Addie. But if you want somebody to, like, shirk your ego and lie to you, ask Addie. And I hate that because, like, it's kind of true. And I do, that's the only thing really that I do think through is how I make people feel. So, like, and I did it when I was younger and I would hurt people's feelings and then it, like, broke my heart because I'm very much an empath and it would just tear me apart when I knew I'd hurt somebody's feelings. So, I work really hard now to, like, consider people's feelings and not hurt them. But there are times, and I always go by the rule, if they can't fix it in five minutes, don't bring it up. If they are cross-eyed, if they have a snaggle tooth, if their teeth are rotten, like, that's different than if they have a booger or they have something in their teeth or, you know what I'm saying, like, because a true friend would be like, yo, you got some broccoli in your teeth, but those piece of shit people, and I say that, like, pardon my French, but they are pieces of shit, like, people that just, they want to humiliate everyone else to make themselves feel better. And I can't stand a person like that. So, obviously, I can rant for hours and we can get into this in my next episode or whatever, but my whole point is this whole episode, this whole first episode, is, like, kind of an introduction, kind of you, like, you can get a feel of my personality, but also it's kind of just a disclaimer to be like, I'm going to be talking about uncomfortable topics and it's going to get real and I'm not going to lie and I'm not going to sugarcoat stuff and I'm probably going to have guests on that I disagree with and I want to have guests on that have different views than me so we can, you know, like, have a friendly debate and then we can just, like, agree to disagree or whatever. And I'm still trying to figure out what to name this podcast, I have a few ideas, but anyway, I'm going to end it now because I went over my time limit that I gave myself and I feel like the rest of my episodes will probably go over majorly, but they'll definitely be more interesting, I won't just be talking about myself the whole time. So, I guess that's the end of this episode. Thanks for listening, Dr. Boyles, because I know you're the only one listening to this. It would be really cool if this podcast took off, but honestly, I'm not going to get my feelings, like, I'm not going to try, I don't want to be famous, like, it would be cool if people did listen to this and I could, like, give people advice or help people or just entertain people, but I'm kind of just using it as, like, a journal and an outlet. So, I guess we'll see what happens, but thanks so much for listening and peace and love and harmony and, yeah, that thing, I'm sorry I'm going over again, but have you ever seen the house bunny with Anna Faris? And she's, like, she always does their voices, like, or not voices, she does voices, like, if she's trying to remember somebody's name, like, they'll be, like, Hi, I'm Natalie, and she's, like, Natalie, and the girl's, like, oh, like, what's that? Is that, like, a, why do you do that? And she was, like, oh, it's just this thing I do to remember people's names, so, like, everybody she meets, but I just said harmony, and it just reminded me of that movie because me and my sister quote movies 24-7, and she's, like, my person, and there's a part where she's, like, harmony. I didn't even say it right. Hang on. I got it. Harmony. I'm not doing it right, but I really think that I might have to have my sister on ASAP because people always think we're hilarious together, so I don't know. But anyway, goodbye. See you whenever. Live, laugh, love. What does he say on the Truman Show? I don't know. Good evening, good morning, good evening, and good night or something. Anyway, bye.