episode 5 trad and trends

The podcast hosts discuss their opinions on certain wedding traditions. They talk about the idea of the father walking the bride down the aisle and suggest alternatives, such as the mother or walking alone. They also discuss their dislike for the garter toss tradition and suggest getting rid of it altogether. They then share their thoughts on changing last names after marriage, with one host deciding to keep her maiden name and another considering adding her partner's name to hers. Hello everyone and welcome back to the Bride or Die podcast. Episode number five. We're doing so well. I know. Stopping us now. This time next year we'll be millionaires. We'll be millionaires. No one's going to get that right. You don't even know what CNA is. I don't know what CNA is but I know what Only Fools and Horses is. I once worked at a really posh property company where one of the guys who was lovely and went to private school when he was like 11 or something had no clue what Only Fools and Horses was. And I remember being aghast and being in working class shock. And my genuine question to him was, have you ever watched it at Christmas or anything? And he's like, we don't have the telly on at Christmas. We don't have the television on at Christmas. They're off doing a shoot or whatever. They're very different Christmases on there. We're off to Balmoral with the Queen. Apparently didn't watch Only Fools and Horses at Christmas. I also had to explain to him, going way off tangent, when he did evaluation for a pub, there was a sign, there was a poster on the wall that said meat raffle. And he didn't understand. Not a clue on earth. And I had to explain to him what it was. And he was like, well, you know, it's just like all the expensive parts of the meal. So it'd be like steaks or an entire chicken or a roast joint or whatever. And I was like, yeah, but why wouldn't you just buy it? What's the point? And I'm like, because then you only have to do like the veg. So it's a cheap, you know, meal. You only pay £10 to get all this meat. So I was like, yeah, clearly your parents never signed on the doll. Don't have to worry where your next meal's coming from. So I ended up on turkey and potatoes six months later. We know what it's like being on a budget, girls. My mum's been mortified. My mum and dad won't be listening to this. I'm a middle child. My mum's listened to one. She's like, I did listen to one. I didn't like it. It's like, OK, have you listened to the others? Probably not now. It's so hard to pilot one. It's all up to the family. We'll give it a bash. At least your parents listened to it. I didn't even get a text back. I'm a typical middle child. Middle child issue and daddy issues. I still want him to give you away at the wedding. Tying us nicely in. He's going to throw a shit fit when I say, actually, you're not walking me down the aisle because it's a bit of an ick. Which leads us nicely into trends and traditions. What should die and why is what we want. What trends and traditions do we want to see the back of and never speak of again? And what new and upcoming trends and stuff that we love and that we want to see more of. That's kind of where we're going to go with that. We may as well start here. I would consider myself quite a good feminist. Yeah, for sure. Unless it's paying for drinks or whatever. And the bins. It comes and goes. For me, having my dad walk me down the aisle. I appreciate some people. I'm not a bad person. At best, misunderstood and grumpy. Contankerous is my favourite way to describe dad. Old, grumpy, contankerous. At worst, absolute trauma. 101. But on the whole, generally, decent fella. When he wants to be. If there's someone in it for him. I'm trying. For me, the thought of my dad handing you down the aisle. Getting that big ticket moment. Just not genuine. It's not genuine. Let's face it, I'm 42. I've got a seven year old son. The gig is up. You're not handing me over to anyone. I wouldn't even take her off me hands. Fine, I'm not bitter. Repeat after me Andrea, this is not therapy. It is though. It's very public. The whole patriarchal thing. This is my daughter. She is my property. She is now your property. When I got married, my dad did give me away. Now, I don't. I haven't had this conversation with my dad. I don't think I would have that happen again. I have a really good relationship with my dad. Sorry, I'm rubbing. We're really good friends. In my 30s, I've been married before. I've got three children. There is no giving me away to someone I've been living with and had a baby with. It just doesn't make sense. When I was in my 20s, I'd not long moved out of my family home. We did have that really good relationship. It was quite a sweet moment. I feel like now, to me, it wouldn't make sense for that to happen. I would probably let him have a first dance with my dad. Or do something to symbolise our relationship. But the giving away element to me is a little bit like, not a fan. I really love that. I don't know why we would have this conversation. My mum would say, if your dad dies, who would you have to walk down the aisle? I would always say, I'd have Uncle Phil, or this person or that person. One day I said, I'd probably have you mum. Why did it have to be a man? It's like, you'll be alright mum. My mother, the one that birthed me. I love seeing it when it's the mums walking the daughters down the aisle. I love that. I think it's more sincere. I think it's more genuine. Hashtag girl power. I love it. Mum's broken her back over the years looking after me. Breastfeeding me. I have a baby doing this with me. Giving her work and her room and her body. She's done all those things. As soon as it comes to a big ticket item, like you say at a wedding, it's dad. Mum's walking down the aisle. I love that. I would like to get rid of the assumption that it's always going to be dad. There was a girl who had a lovely relationship with her dad but she said, no, I'm walking down the aisle on my own. Giving me away. I'm making a choice not being given to anyone. Yeah, exactly. You smashed the patriarchy. You didn't win me at meat raffle. I hate the assumption. There are some contexts where it makes sense and that's your choice and you want to spend time with your loved ones. It's part of your journey. But the giving away thing, I don't like it. We're putting that one in the bin. Talking of patriarchal things that we're putting in the bin. Garter toss. This is the thing that doesn't really happen that much. People are bidding it off now in general. I think because it's just a bit tacky. Do you want your groom up your dress? For one, I've got Spanx on. Just don't. It's going to be all hot and bobbed up there. It's going to be fragrant. It's going to be ripe. That's a horrible use of that word. Let's be honest. I've seen many a bride slapping her dress. It's a thing. I just don't like it. The origin of it is a bit gross. What is it again? In medieval times, the men at the wedding would tear off bits of the bride's dress in preparation for her to go and consummate the marriage. The bride's trying to weed off from 20 men ripping her dress off and throwing bits of her dress so they wouldn't come at her. It's just the whole thing is a bit gross. I'm not a fan of that. I don't want to be sat there with my nan and grandad looking at me with the wrong eye. I don't want that. I don't want that. I don't want my nan and grandad looking at me with my new husband's head up me dress. What if you've got a slinky little dress on? No pants. You end up flat. Not that early in the reception anyway. Save it for the honeymoon. Do you think there's an equivalent? I would like to be a male equivalent. We get the bouquet toss and the guys used to get the garter toss. I can't think of anything that would be a nice alternative to it. I think just sack it off. I'm not a fan of it at all. Why can't we get the man to get his pants off or something? Objectify them for once. I was having this conversation with my partner and he was like, yeah, no mercy, this is such and such. It was really awkward because we were sat around at the barbecue and I was like, I might actually keep my name. Add yours on, but keep mine. He went, oh, but you changed it for your last husband. I was like, yeah, which is specifically why I want to keep it. I don't know if you feel the same as me. Are you going to change your name? I think I'm so much more attached to my name since the divorce because when I came back to my name, when I got my name back, it was a huge thing. It makes me all tingly thinking about how I felt when I changed my name back to Pond, which was a terrible last name, but I love it. I was just so happy. It was such a symbolic thing. That's my name and I love that. I don't know if I could fully let it go again. The story, again, is going way off topic and we will get back to it. You know what you're in for by now. You know what the drill is. We are sponsored by ADHD and medication. My surname is Strong. I hated it growing up because everyone would be like, oh, you're really mean. I never liked my surname. Before I had James, I would say adamantly to his dad, I want to be married. I want the same name as my child. When we all come out of the hospital with the same name, I'm putting my foot down. After the divorce, I was like, no, I'm going to keep my name because I want to be the same as my son. Then I kind of changed my mind slowly. What was your married surname? Dargan. Like dragon, but the wrong way around. Then a part of me was like, actually, this is ridiculous. Who cares? It doesn't reflect on you as a mum, whether or not you've got the same name. The amount that you love your son does not change. If you've got a different name, you've just got a reminder of your ex-husband. That's all that is. It doesn't stop you from being any less of a mum, whether or not you've got the same name. I then went back to Strong. My God, did I feel that way after my divorce. I felt like I don't take any messing from anyone. I did a lot of work on myself, granted, by watching TikTok therapies. Who I am now is completely different to who I was then. I really want to keep hold of my name and be Mrs Strong-Williams. I think also because I've got my two oldest children with my ex-husband's name and I've got my baby, Noah, with his dad's name. We're not all going to have the same name anyway. If we're not all going to have the same name, I'm going to keep my name. I don't want my older two to be the only ones that have different names to me and their brother. I might as well just have my name. They've got their name. Other boys have got their name. It's difficult because my boyfriend's crossed. Pond crossed hard. Another topic for another day. Also, the whole patriarchy thing. It's the assumption that that's going to happen. That's dying off. I think more and more women are like, actually, I like my name and I like my family name. Also, even Brooklyn Beckham, he changed the double bell to her name, which I love. I love the Beckhams anyway. They are my guilt and pleasure. I had an argument with an ex-boyfriend once because it was in peak David Beckham era. He was horrible anyway. He was always projecting the fact that he would cheat or he wasn't aware and he would project it on me and be like, I bet you'd cheat on me with him or I bet you'd cheat on him with him. With the Beckham thing, you really fancy David Beckham. I bet if you had the chance you'd sleep with David Beckham. I could never do that to Victoria. Not for Victoria. She's a legend. Hashtag girl power. That girl, bless her, because she had the black mini dress. We had no money. I had to shop in C&A, which would mean nothing to you. It was like MK1. MK1 would have been a step up. C&A is like a... Yes, in the sense that it was very frumpy, sensible. Your mum would like it clothes, not trendy. Like Evans. They had a slight teenagery bit. I had a black dress that was from my granddad's funeral that was to my knee. Bear with me. Because we never got any new clothes, by the time the Spice Girls came out, it was a really nice little mini dress on me. We couldn't afford haircuts. I was allowed a trim. I basically had my hair in a bob. I had a bob and a black mini dress. Out of all my friends, I was posh. For two years, popular would be a stretch, but I had to join in because I had a little black dress and a bob. I would go to battle. I would go into war for that woman, Victoria Beckham. I definitely would never sleep with David Beckham. Good to know. Otherwise you'd be all over it. Just while we're not recording this. You'd be in for a treat. My ex-boyfriend got really mad at me. My instant reaction was, I'm going to have to do that to Victoria. What were we talking about? Trends and traditions. Bokeh toss. A lot of the ones that we don't like are stemmed with history of the patriarchy. The bokeh toss is it for a few reasons. If you are going to toss it, I saw someone do this. Close your eyes and picture it. They got a broccoli and they put little pearls in the broccoli and then a ribbon around the base and they lobbed that. Quite a weapon, but it kind of made me laugh. Equally, it's the whole patriarchal pressure put on women. You don't have a relationship. All these single women will scramble for your opportunity to be the next one. I love it when the bokeh falls at the foot of a woman and she's just sitting there sipping her champagne and then shrugs and walks off It's a whole different vibe but I do also love when people are so into it that you can see the fucking eyes locking on it's like night vision, like radars. They are watching it and barging each other out of the way and then present it like I can't believe I got that. How cute. If you're still on the floor wrestling someone to the ground and then two hours later a mid-level guy with receding hairline If you're still on the floor wrestling two hours later just let go. It's not going to convince anyone to propose. I saw a video again on TikTok that I thought was such a lovely alternative to it so she had a bokeh of flowers and was doing the pretend pretending to throw it and then I'm thinking this is going to be one of those tacky proposal videos you know the ones I mean and she didn't. She turned around it wasn't like a made up bokeh it was a group of individual flowers and stems and then each woman got a flower each and it was like symbolic of you're all really important to me and I thought that was so much nicer than wrestling to the ground but less entertaining arguably I know it's just my worst thing at weddings and I think you'll agree with me the biggest biggest dick at a wedding and every time I see a video of this I want to die is when someone proposes at someone's wedding I just think you absolutely lack luster, no effort basic bitch of a man it's not a romantic moment you just steal someone else's wedding where they paid all this money to provide you this glorious backdrop it just so lacks any imagination or effort I might be wrong but that to me you literally put in the bare minimum I know how smug this is going to make me sound so I apologise I'm going to start a tally that's one, what will we get up to but no, go for it if my partner had proposed during someone's wedding right so there's this one caveat the bride has to have been made aware and is okay with it I'm going to suggest this I'd be mortified if you brought that up to the bride I've got a really good idea I'm going to propose to Claire at the wedding isn't that a brilliant idea and if the bride turns around and says over my dead funny body then it's a no you're right, it shows lack of imagination all the friends and family are there together it's stealing someone's thunder even if you're not that sort of bride I get that it's not necessarily about the bride being pissed off but to me it represents that you've been like what would be a good proposal at someone else's wedding I don't have to do anything if it was my sister that you had been desperate for her to get married because you love them so much and their partner is really lovely and she won't see this coming I think it depends on the relationship there are definitely exceptions I saw one on TikTok where the lady that was getting proposed to it wasn't at a pivotal moment it looked like in the evening outside on the patio and the bride just happened to be walking past as he got down on one knee and her instant thing was she looked at the bride and the bride took it in her stride and was really good I guarantee you in her group chat and you're backed into a corner because you can't even react badly as a bride what are you going to do? get up off the floor you've got to be really gracious I'm really happy for them this is Nick I get funny enough I get funny about if people even wear white if you have to question it don't wear it if you have to think about it don't wear it pick another colour let's just put this out there onto the internet once and for all if it is cream do not wear it if it is ivory do not wear it if it is white do not wear it if it is a beige do not wear it if you have to ask should I wear this it's not difficult I did this once with dodgy ex boyfriend who got funny I did actually wear white because I was desperate I had the genius idea I know I'll wear white to the wedding it's in the church once he sees me walk down the aisle it will be an epiphany and he will propose I did my only saving grace I did message the bride I said I've got this dress it's white, would you mind if I wore it and she said god bless Michelle she said that's fine my dress is going to be really deep ivory this is my third wedding it's not a problem I do cringe when I look back I found out this after I wore a very red dress to a wedding I also wore it to that award ceremony I bought it for a wedding and wore it to a wedding it's not a bridal dress it's more like a dance emoji I had no idea about this I wore this dress and then saw on a wedding reddit page back in the day the connotation of wearing a red dress is that you were the groom's mistress that's not a thing now which Hannah had not I wore it to this wedding and I loved it but I don't think that's a thing I think it depends on the style I once went to a wedding it was a posh one someone turned up and she was in a mini skirt I think she might have been a supermodel she had long legs up to her armpits I'm saying that as someone that's 5'9 and a tiny little mini skirt even I thought that mini skirt was too short it's not a night out, it's a posh wedding we're definitely sacking off wearing white at a wedding I can't get bored of it I think it presents lack of imagination on the groom's part it does have a lot of imagination to it I still fucking hate it I think I know what you're going to say I would say that this is more an American thing than a British thing I've seen a few choreographed dances there's a few categories I want to start with the one that starts at the beginning of the day when you're coming in to your wedding down the aisle I was showing Jordan oh no, just stop are the brides that sing themselves down the aisle that is abhorrent unless you are Beyonce even Beyonce I'd find that cringy it's not about your talent either I don't think we are I think we are very not articulate we can see we know when someone is good at something this sounds worse, this sounds even worse I can't think of the words but we're being those girls need to have a friend we're being honest to say I really don't think you should do that but equally if you're the type of bride that wants to sing Shania Twain down the aisle there's every chance that your friends would have told you that and you would have gone all your friends are also fucking weirdos I don't know about you me and my boyfriend both have this thing we have a really strong second hand embarrassment if we watch people on TV singing a capella or rapping we're both visibly cringed we can't even watch it it's so awful I'm like that at weddings it makes me feel ill and how much I would die a thousand deaths not for me there's singing down the aisle choreographed dancing this is an American thing there is a very viral video of Ben Affleck and you can literally see the moment he is sat there it's after the reception and it's brides doing a choreographed dance maybe with a bit of singing for the groom and they're sat on this chair and there's a viral video of Ben Affleck and you can literally see in his eyes going I've made a massive mistake as he has got this thousand yard stare it's just cringe and also dancing into the reception pairing people off I think it works when you are that character when it's not forced maybe you've already had a few drinks I've seen it before when there's some grooms that are just like in front of the party and it comes naturally to them you can tell these people that have been forced you've all got choreographed 10, 30, 50 seconds entry and some people come in and literally want to kill themselves and it's like that's not fun or authentic if you've got a group of friends that are like that, brilliant I completely agree the other thing that we absolutely hate it's steeped in patriarchy and if you ask any photographer friends they will guarantee that this is the indicator of a marriage not lasting and it is the grooms that smash the cake into a bride's face after being there is a video of a bride who was like do not do this I have just spent this on a cake and also just what it symbolises a complete lack of respect it's not like a little square smushed on your nose it's like a full cake smashed in my face that's going to hurt I would be mortified the man I'm going to marry would not do that to me why are you being that aggressive with it because I think men feel they have to show off in front of their friends what a lovely day still a lad there was a video recently you can literally see the groom doing the cost analysis the risk analysis of is this worth it she's there cutting the cake smashing it in her face don't even dare you can see him doing the math in his head they are over there from golf he just does a little bit he has to do it in front of them or they have had too much to drink men will do anything to get out of therapy anything other than therapy so they go golf and go with their friends anyway that's enough don't do it the one video I've seen where there was a bride in a denim jacket and he's there holding it I told you don't do it he did it if someone told you respectfully I don't want you to do this and they still do it that is a signal for things to come what else am I going to tell you I'm not comfortable with I know it's not that deep it's just a bit of cake please don't this is the best I'm going to cry when I have to take my make up off I do not want buttercream smashed in my face in the middle of the reception it's humiliation humiliating you in front of your friends don't get me started if you are in a loving relationship you won't be doing that if you are in a loving relationship let's have another caveat if you're both a bit silly and you don't give a shit and you're both going to have a bit of a food fight it's got to be very much like we decided we were going to have a bit of a cake fight it has to be mutual let's go on to the things we love 34 minutes how the patriarchy fucking ruined us both of us desperate to marry our men but hate men don't fucking throw cake at me and you can get your suit from River Island oh that was the other thing I think stag do's are disgraceful and an embarrassment if you are over 30 and you've got kids and you are getting strippers to rub their arses in your face in Prague before you get married I just think it's disgusting I don't like it I think have a good time, go out go to the sports bar but I just find something really disgusting about these seedy horrible stag do's they are the reason I have this opinion I've got a lot of very close male friends some of the stories I will not share because I cannot some of the stories I have heard from stag do's would make your toes curl and you would never sleep again I know what men do on stag do's and I know what they think they can get away with because it's a stag do it's just the culture of disrespecting your wife before you've even got married that's the only way you know how to let your hair down go to therapy in your 30s you've got kids when you are in your 20s that part of your brain hasn't developed yet I've been to strip clubs it's just the culture of the lad stag one extra and outdoing each other who can disrespect their girlfriend or wife the most I don't give a fuck about cheating I pay the stripper 50 quid to give the groom a blowjob a lot of the time the men that are most lads lads lads on stag are the ones that cheat and want everyone to cheat to make themselves feel more normal if you are in a loving relationship these are some of the things that we've seen that we actually love and we think there should be more of these getting ready together in the morning off as opposed to spending the night apart do you like that? I agree to disagree here I have a relationship with my boyfriend we are very much friends first we built a very solid friendship before we got together I would love the idea of even not just me and him all of us getting ready maybe hair and make up before he's doing this I don't really like the idea of him seeing me in my dress I like that part but the whole vibe of the morning to me is so precious it signals the start of the celebrations I like the idea of the twilight wedding because you get more of that time getting ready together is like teenagers it's fun it's a way to cram a bit of extra fun in before the actual wedding I'm such a whore for attention I want the drama of the build up I want to make my big entrance and it not being I want to ring every last little bit of attention that I can get I get that I don't think it's something that everyone will like but I like the idea of breaking that tradition I did see a lovely tiktok of a couple that were having a little city wedding and they got ready in separate rooms in their flat and they did a little reveal in the kitchen and it's the cutest thing it's so lovely they got in a cab and went to Islington town hall the one in London her outfit was impeccable anything that's bad luck isn't bad luck you get to choose let's be honest I know this is sacrilege 50% of marriages do end in divorce 100% between us is him seeing you in your dress is him getting a blowjob on his statue in Prague I think that's probably more likely I didn't have to it probably did another thing I love not as an alternative to bridesmaids but could easily be I come from a big family mostly all girls I've got 12 cousins 10 of them are girls having every single person as a bridesmaid would not be practical would cost me an absolute fortune I've seen people do this get people you love and ask them nicely if they would be something blue and wear something blue you could get one nice photo of them none of the pressure not a blue bridesmaid dress or a blue suit you're my something blue or the blue shoes at Cherry War I'd love that I digress Manolo Blahnik no pressure something blue crew I absolutely adore that I think I will implement that I love a hydrangea your bitch loves a hydrangea I've got a blue hydrangea as my tattoo for my son hydrangeas are a symbol of being grateful they're symbolic of our gratitude my partner is not going to be listening to the podcast he might listen to the first 10 minutes we can make a mental note not to mention the boys they haven't got the attention span my partner doesn't need to listen to the podcast he lives the podcast what you're listening to the next hour is what he listens to 24-7 it's a lot of interest I can see his eyes roll he even said the other day we're engaged and I suppose I have to listen yeah maybe for the rest of your life poor man less formal food I like the idea of not having that formal I just think it's a bit of a vibe killer I think that when you come out of the ceremony everyone's buzzing you normally go and have drinks and canapes and you're all chatting there's a lot of energy in that moment I just find that sometimes you get a bit pissed at this point I thought you were being serious I always overindulge a little bit on Protector but all my friends do we go into the sit down meal bit it's all a bit of a stilt sit you eat loads of food and you lose that three drink bug everyone's full up you've got to really drag yourself back into it I love a speech, don't get me wrong but when you've got a lot of speeches in a row it's just lots of sitting and listening it's like a couple planning a wedding how do I get the vibe back up if you have that and you've got street food or barbeque and a speech you can keep that energy up rather than being an up and down peak I like the idea of not having that formal sit down I love barbeque a barbeque done really nicely like pork belly nice gourmet burgers the wedding I wore the red dress to they had the most stunning venue ever they had spaghetti bolognese for their wedding breakfast dinner it was amazing it was such a good thing to have it was really nicely done everyone likes spaghetti bolognese you ate enough, it soaked up enough of the alcohol so no one was vomiting do you need to have a sit down three course cheese and veg for £100 a head prawn cocktail everyone loves spag bol everyone was buzzing with it gluten free, dairy free it kicks a lot of boxes that's a really good idea something different this is a great thing about twilight if you get married the vibe the thing I loved shout out to Olly Murs if you're listening and also congratulations on your new baby shout out to Olly Murs Olly Murs at his wedding had a McDonald's truck they had a festival themed wedding they had a McDonald's truck with chicken nuggets and fries it was all branded Vicky Patterson had a Greggs truck for her little city wedding love that if it's done nicely people like people are half pissed stop trying to make it fancy and formal unless your friends are fancy and formal sometimes you try to corral cattle into a 5 star restaurant it just doesn't go give me some burgers and McDonald's and we'll all be happy you are such a classy bird I am do you I do think it's fun my best friend's little brother had at his wedding shout out to Daniel and Lizzie shout out to all these names my mum and dad definitely aren't Dan and Lizzie I follow this supplier to this day I will have them if we get to that point they had paella they had big pans of paella I think about this paella to this day it was delicious that company did the hog race it was done so nice we love a good pair of backpacks the other thing that I think is great some people get a bit funny about this let's be honest most people that get married nowadays they all have a house you've got the bits you've got the toaster people are like I don't need random gifts I don't want to do a gift list because I've got most things that I want we just want cash I think there is nothing wrong with that if it's done nicely I don't care how you ask me I want cash put a nice little poem in the invite it's so convenient from a wedding guest point of view get a bit of cash on the way out after your wedding open loads of envelopes no one doesn't love that tell me what's more romantic did they do that on Walthworth Wall Street you won't remember indecent proposal I know of it I've heard people talk about it it's a film with Demi Moore isn't there an elite sex scene I can't remember Redford gorgeous guy I said to Woody Harrelson I'll give you a million pounds this is 90 would you give me a million pounds I haven't seen it she said yes they make love on the million pounds if it's done with a nice little note go for it couple said we would love to have money towards our IVF who's not going to want to have that there's always something we need money for I would much rather contribute rather than some random gift that was good I'm feeling very bitchy Jordan has fallen down the stairs you put the kid in the car we're doing the podcast on my sofa she's been such a trooper she's laughing it off I think Andrea thought I was being really lame and then she saw it and thought stop taking the piss out of you and send your new pictures of Frodo's feet and Wallace and Gromit's feet hope you enjoy hope you get a lot from it see you next week