Some of my favorite Joe Goldberg narrations

There it is, with its big, naked windows. I'll make our bed every morning. Becky, too drunk to be alone. What is some sicko who had followed you down here? I'm not a bad person. She was going to ruin you. But you're safe now, thanks to me. I just want you to live your best life. It's brave what I do for you. It's not easy. It's hard. Sometimes it makes me sick. I'm brave. How many guys are willing to do anything for the person they love? Honestly, Becky, you're lucky to have me. The next thing our little friend the internet gave me was your address. She wants to watch you, have you, control you like she controls every other piece of her life. She wants you all to herself. Becky, you've got a stalker. Us, in 30 years. Man, that was way too much. You told your girlfriends you'd come by. I know this because I have your phone. The truth is, Becky, I don't miss you the way I thought I would. Not since Karen. I hardly look at your Facebook two or three times a day, Max. I'm happy. I want you to be happy. It's what happy people want for people. What the hell? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Where did you go? How the hell am I supposed to be great with you being gone if you're actually gone? Are you not wearing a bra? And you want me to notice. That's right, Becky. I even do your damn laundry. I protect your time. I let you focus on your work. And guess what? Now that I've made our morning sacred, you're actually writing. Free of distraction. Look at that! How dare she invade your privacy like that? It's perverse! When we live together, your place won't be a pigsty. I'll clean for us. And you won't eat all this frozen. I'll cook for you every day. I promise. I'll even do your laundry. You are good. Beck, you're medicine. You're the antidote for liars. And you make cheating a distant memory. And right now, I love you so much, the ringing in my head is music. And it's all thanks to Peach. I want to punish her for coming between us. But I can't. I'm not that guy. I'm an understanding, supportive boyfriend. And I remember. This is why I took up jogging. Oh, she's dead. Beck. Beck. Beck. Beck, Beck, Beck, Beck, Beck. Hey, I was thinking about making cookies for hashtag release day. Amanda Chantal Bacon has a dope recipe in Moonju's cookbook. Cook cosmically for body, beauty, and consciousness. Kill me. Sounds great, Ethan. How can self-respecting women tolerate this crap? Sometimes I swear I'm the only real feminist you know. Come for the spring lettuce mix. Stay for the perfect life that could be yours if you just spend enough. And quit gluten, you fucking asshole. How do I segue this from browsing Glassware to... Holy shit. Joe's the one. Dave, I told you people are basically good. Great job, bro. Bro? You waste of hair. Please. Whoever you are, you're not a killer. Oh, how I wish I was. This would be much less complicated. I could pick something else. I got a ton of playlists on here. I got rock music, club music, jazz music. I wonder if he's a virgin. Keep your friends close. And your enemies? Keep losing your enemies because you're so goddamn out of shape. It doesn't take brains to be a criminal. Tiss balls. I hope he's gonna bone me. I wish he'd lube up and get on with it. Why does my kidney hurt? If only the universe would send me some signs, some platonic way to stay in your good graces. William fucking Bettelheim. Can I get a different sign? Fun. Runner's high is better than sex. And for some, they last longer. Touché, bitch. Please, Joe, stop. She could have died. We're not that lucky. Damn, this is really uphill. Is it his lung capacity, love? Hello. You? No, fuck, no. I'm not doing that. Her blog slash podcast slash brand heart-shaped mistakes. Kill me. You mind? I'm in a hurry. He's just pissed he's gotta buy Salinger to feel respectable when all he really wants to do is eat Cheetos and jerk it to iPorn before washing it, all down with a Dan Brown chaser. Have a nice day, sir. Could use a reader and some sea breeze. No, I shouldn't. I won't. It's a date. Shit. It's fine. You're not heroin. You're a human woman. Okay, let's be real. She was attacked. Someone attacked her, but maybe they had a good reason, right? You ever think of that, detective? Shit! Detectives are real and DNA is a thing, and I just hit that girl with a rock. Now, all I need is to slip in and out with a jacked up, unnoticed in a stream of white guys. I know. I'm using my privilege for good. Double fuck. If you think about it, she's already living on borrowed time. She resurrected like some sort of ginger vampire to suck my life away. Check it, comrade. Well, it's a script. Eric? We've seen you. Like a guy attending the memorial of a guy he just killed. Pensive. I think we are on a roll. I think we should go all night. How do I get out now without this six-foot-one baby throwing a tantrum? We're soulmates, Joe. What the fuck? Is that Blue Day Chanel? No, Carrie, it's soap. Respond instead of react. That's love somewhere. Mine is to prevent her from murdering this therapist. I caught him cheating. Oh, good. We're diving right in. Congratulations, Dad. It's a boy. It's a boy? I'm fucked. It's hard to stay angry when she's so... But what's not to get? She's relatable except for the part where she's an axe murderer. I read to the kids there. You and Henry should join sometime. It's fun. We can carpool. Maybe. I'd rather lose another finger than carpool with Mormon Neville Longbottom. Don't get hysterical. I took a seminar. Hey, hey, hey! Oh, fuck. I'm gonna need more tarps. Joe Goldberg? Hey. Did I know you work here? Did I know you had your breasts enhanced in 2017? Vlogged your recovery from Adderall addiction? Brothers a roadie for something called Five Seconds of Summer? I need to become Beck. I need the earth to split open and swallow me whole. How have you been? Oh, I'm fine. Bored, trapped in Pleasantville, aging so fast, most mornings it doesn't even occur to me to jack off in the shower. I'm good. How much longer till the campsite? Nothing bonds you for life like getting the altitude shits together. Why is male small talk so terrible? Oh, shit. Bubba's gonna kill you. I'm Ryan Goodwin. We met the other night when I... I wasn't being my best self. That's right. It's good to re-meet you. You fucking cockroach. Yeah, I know. You're not Sherry's biggest fan. I'd rather fuck a cactus. Okay. Let's hit this from a spiritual angle. This is where they drop the act and ask us to join their cult. We strongly advise you to not do that anymore. I will try to change myself. Masturbation saves the day for now.