Ask Kadi - Episode 50 - Audio

The speaker discusses the importance of understanding the purpose of dating and approaching it like a job interview. They emphasize the need to know why you are dating and communicate your intentions clearly to avoid misunderstandings. They also mention the significance of asking and answering questions about past relationships in order to gain insight into a person's character. The speaker advises against playing the victim and instead taking responsibility for one's own role in past relationship experiences. Overall, the speaker encourages a thoughtful and intentional approach to dating. I want to use it because I really love that like the friend that cares about your growth more than your feelings. That was it. That was a word. That's a line. Yeah, I'm going to use that. Someone actually said, I had someone help me write my mission statement. That's what she wrote about me. She was like your friend that cares about your growth more than your feelings. You can say that. That's your thing. Yeah. Alright, send it. Ask Kadhi, the voice of reason. It's an advice show covering all kinds of topics that millennials face. That's my girl, Kadhi C. The friend that cares more about your growth than your feelings. Welcome to another episode of Ask Kadhi, the voice of reason. And as always, I have a very gentle episode for you guys today. So today's topic I want to talk about dating because I feel like the definition of dating has evolved over time. So people don't even know what dating is. And then we use other slang words like talking. What do they call it, hooking up? I don't even know if hooking up is hooking up or it's just like hooking up or linking. I don't know. But we're going to go back to the original word of dating and what it actually means to go on a date. I like to compare a date to a job interview. That's what it is. It's an interview. It's not a commitment. So if someone asks you on a date and then you see them on another date the next day, mind your business, because that means you just didn't get the role. If you're dating, there's no commitment. It's just the act of getting to know someone before you decide to sign that invisible contract of a relationship with them. And just like a job interview, the date in itself is extremely important because, of course, people constantly evolve. So you can never say that, oh, you know someone. But from a date, the goal is to know enough about this person's character for you to see if you guys are a good fit to go on to that journey of being in a relationship together. So the thing about it is a lot of dates that go bad and we think it went bad is, oh, he's not my type or we're not compatible when you have a bad date. But honestly, if you don't, just like a job interview, you could be perfect for the role. But if you don't interview well, you won't get the job. And it's the same with a date. And I feel like it's a lot of things and mistakes that we make. I don't even want to say a mistake because we do a lot of things on dates that we don't realize puts a bad or not even a bad. I want to say, like, give the wrong impression of who we really are, right? So we're going to break this down, like how we will break down a job interview, right? So first, the first question you get asked in a job interview was that, why did you apply? I feel like that's something that you have to determine and know why you applied before you go on an interview, right? When you go on Google and you're looking for a job, you know, OK, I want to be a carpenter. You're on Google looking for carpenter, like a carpenter role. You're not going to show up to a job interview for a cashier knowing daggone well you applied for a carpenter role. So it's the same thing when it comes to dating. I feel like a lot of people will ask someone out on a date and get on a date and be like, oh, when they ask, oh, what are you looking for? It's like, oh, I'm not looking for no relationship. I'm just trying to kick it. And the other person is there like, well, I'm looking for something serious. How the heck did y'all end up on a date? Because to me, this should be determined way before y'all go and kick it over some nachos or whatever date that you're on. So that's the number one question. I think that's a question, one, you answer for yourself first so that you can properly articulate, not just verbally, but how you show up on this date. If you know that you're going on a date because you're looking for something serious, then I think how you will approach that date will be serious. Not even saying serious as far as personality, but like if I'm really trying to get to know somebody on a level because I want to be with them long term, you're not just going to be saying that kiki and over nachos. Because that's the thing. A lot of people go on dates to look for a good time. And, yeah, you want to make sure that the person you're with is going to be a good time. It's a person that you actually have fun with. But it's so much more to a relationship than fun. So I feel like if you know that I'm going on a date because right now I'm at a place where I'm looking for a serious relationship, you're going to go in there and have your little kiki. But make sure that you are paying attention, asking the right questions, observing this person to really see, hey, is this person a good fit for me? OK, not if they're a good person, not if they're funny, not if you're sexually attracted to them. Is this a good person for me? So, once again, that is the question. Why did you apply for the job? Why are you on the date? Why are you on the date? And then first answer that question for yourself, and then you can ask that question. And not literally, there's different ways. I don't want to say a date is like an actual interview where you're going to get all of your answers by asking the question. Sometimes it's in the interaction that you get an answer about somebody. But the unfortunate part is because people go on dates to look for a good time or some free feels, they don't even get to get to that point where we understand, OK, who is this person? Why are they here? And do I see them being a good fit for me? Sorry, my computer went to sleep. I'm going to pull it up because I have a whole list for y'all today. The second question, which I think is more important than any question, is in a job interview, they'll ask, why did you leave your last job? Right? Usually that's the question they always want to ask. And in a job interview, they don't care what your job did to you. They want to know what you did to the job. When they ask you that question, they don't want to hear the story about, oh, well, my boss was this, my that. And they tell you, if anybody who went through interview and prep or know how to interview, you know you don't never tell a job interview what your job did to you. When they ask you that question, why did you leave your last job? You don't say, oh, my boss was an asshole, and they had me working overtime. You don't say, oh, they weren't paying me enough. You give a polished answer to kind of, because once again, this is the job trying to get to know you. And like on a date, when they ask you about your past relationships, which one, I want to add that I think that is an important question. I know people have their things where they're like, oh, I never want to hear about your past. You me and me now. Like I don't like to talk about the past. I don't like to talk. I do. I do. That question alone would stop you from a lot of heartache, heartbreak, and just being broken altogether. Like you ask, why would you not want to know? And one, once again, for myself, when I ask that question, I really do not care what happened in your past. I'm not asking you to ask what they did to you. I'm asking that question to know you. And I think a big thing is this has happened to me on dates before where I don't know if people think this is cute. When someone asks you about your past relationships, you start talking about how all your partners dogged you. Yeah, my last girlfriend, I was there for her all the time. I did this and that for her, and she cheated on me with my brother. That's fucked up. But in my mind, I'm thinking, oh, this dude's a slouch. Like what? He's a pushover. Like this is all going to all the only thing your ex is not there to defend themselves. So when you are answering that question or talking about your past relationships, all the person has to go off of is you. So by telling someone all the things that people have done wrong to you in your past relationships, it's just an invitation for them to be the next person to do it to you too. Because I don't care how good of a person you are. If you see a doormat, you're going to walk over it. And I kind of feel like it ties into value as well. Nobody wants to know that someone didn't value you. And not to say, of course, people, past relationships, you have messed up shit that happened to you. You have people that cheated. You do have horrible things. But by answering a question on reflecting on what someone does to you, it doesn't put you in a good light. Okay, someone cheated on you in your past relationship. Instead of saying, oh, it was perfect, they cheated on me, you can speak to, oh, I don't think that person, because there's a reason why people cheat. And not saying it's your fault, but there's a reason. Everyone plays a part in the situation that gets done to them. And all you can do is speak to your part. You can say, oh, I wasn't ready in a relationship. You know, back then I was naive and I thought I was in love, but I really wasn't. Instead of, oh, you cheated on me, don't want me to last a relationship, had a baby on me, this person. Save yourself the next level of misery, because that's all this person is going to bring to you if they do decide to move forward with you. Because a person like me, after you tell me everybody in your past dogged you, I'm going to be like, check, please. I don't know what it is about you, but something's wrong with you, and I don't want to find out. So when it comes to that past relationship, one, once again, I always believe that you should ask. You people that sit here and fall in love with people you don't know, clearly people can lie. But it's not about what they say, it's how they say it. I always pay attention on dates when people always talk like they're the victim. Because I know there's someone out there for everyone. I don't do well with victims. If I ask you a question, you tell me, even if it's not going to happen in our relationship, just having a victim mentality, I know I won't work well with that. Because I don't have a victim mentality and I also do not do well with sympathy. Like, just, oh, babying people. Like, I'm not that type of personality. There are women out there that are like that, so I always pay attention to how people answer questions. There's people that dog there. Like, you ask about the ex now, 30 minutes into the dinner, they talk about all the ex business and who they was. They was broke, they was this, that, was that. Red flags. Some people eat that up. Like, yeah, he said he ain't even like his ex. No, I'm looking at you. Like, where's the loyalty? Because honestly, you can't guarantee that no relationship will last. If you're going to share yourself with someone, if you're going to commit to someone, respect doesn't stop when the relationship ends. Respect should never stop when the relationship ends. So that's another, that's what I pay attention to when I'm asking about your ex. I really could care less about the story. I mean, if it's a good story, I'll listen. But what I'm really paying attention to is you and your character. How people describe the things that happen to them really is the biggest display of their character. Regardless of how harsh or bad or traumatizing the situation is, you can always see where someone is with themselves on how they speak on things that didn't go well for them. Another thing is what are your weaknesses? A job always asks you that, right? That's a trick question. They want to know your weaknesses. And, of course, on a date, you never ask, hey, what are your weaknesses? But that's the goal of the date. You want to know, if you go on a date with someone, it's not that you're trying to find out if you like them. You're really trying to find out if you don't like them. Because if you agree to go on a date, I'm assuming you like how this person looked or you liked, you had a moment with them that's like, okay, I think he's funny or whatever. You think he got money, whatever the goal is, to actually take on that invitation of the interview. But a date means that there was something there that you liked. So now you're going there not to see if you like him more. You just want to see, am I sure? Do I like him or do I just like how he looks? You want to see if you don't like them as a person. So when it comes to weaknesses, one, I feel like you should know your weaknesses. Because a weakness is only, before we even get to weaknesses, I want to talk about what a weakness is. A weakness is only a weakness depending on the setting. If I am a bodybuilder, strong as hell, and I go on a job interview at a factory to lift stuff, that's a strength. That's a strength. But if I'm a bodybuilder and I'm freaking trying to work at a daycare where I have to delicately deal with children, but I'm breaking them, picking them up, that's a weakness on that job interview. And I think it's the same thing with relationships. It's not that someone is just a bad person or they have bad qualities. What they may view as a strength could be a weakness in your situation. Like someone who talks a lot. I'm a talkative person. That is a weakness in some cases. If I'm a person that talks too much, too, who's listening? Because, you know what I'm saying? That's how they say it, and this is where the opposites attract come in. You have someone who's laid back and the person in a relationship who's turned up. Because two turned up people could be a weakness in a relationship. When are we turning down? Who's leveling who out? So a weakness is only a weakness based on the setting. So, one, I feel like you need to know your weaknesses. Like someone who's emotional. If you know you're a very emotional or sensitive person and you go on a date with someone and you see, like, okay, this person has no regard for me. Or they do something on a date, like, even better example. You go on a date, and I've heard examples of this, where someone is cheap, okay? Someone could go and they're like, you know, they might monitor what you're buying or they come in real funny with the money. Now, for me, money is not a thing, but character is. If I'm a person that, like, okay, I don't want someone who shows me that they are, like, I don't want to say don't have money, but just in the way you act. Like, I could be dead broke. You would not know if I don't know you like that. Like, you got to be really that's when you become my man. Like, you know what I'm saying? I think that's a part of, like, for me, a man protecting his woman by not really exposing too much of his shortcomings in the beginning of the relationship. So those are things that's a character where it's like, for me, okay, that's a weakness. I know I don't do well with this type of personality. And maybe he needs someone who's more understanding in that kind of situation. So I feel like when it comes to weaknesses, you want to know yours. You want to know, okay, I could tell this person is really emotional and I'm not I don't do well with emotions. I could be a little strict. I don't think not just that he's a good fit for me. I'm not a good fit for him. And that is extremely important in dating because the weaknesses is usually why the relationship does not last. So those are quick tips when it comes to dating and really treating it like an interview because I feel like a lot of experiences, dating relationships and the horror stories and relationships come from people not really properly dating. Because it's like it'd be 10 years later and it's like, you didn't notice who I am? Like, and it's not because people are just we live in a I say our generation is a feel good generation. We just look for things to feel good until they don't feel good. So we latch onto the parts of people that we like, but not the parts that we don't like. And it's like, if that's the point of a date, you want to see if you don't like this person, just like on a job interview, they pulled your resume because they liked it. But at the same time, they invited you to the interview because they want to know, do we not like this person? Because honestly, if that was the case, people will pull a resume. Oh, this resume is perfect. Hired on the spot. Same thing with a date. If someone see you, oh, I think he cute. I think she cute. That's my man. That's my girl. Forget dating again and know each other. We're just going to go straight. The point of the date is to really vet that person to really see if it's someone that you actually don't like. And I think people skip over that part because you go on a date and you pull in all the things that you like. And 10 years later and three babies later, you're just like, oh, I don't even like you. Like, you do this. And this is something you've been doing for the last 10 years. But I really don't like it. So that's a quick tip. I guess a quick tip I'm going to leave it off on when it comes to dating. So this is the part where I love, love, love to read the comments from my listeners and viewers. I truly appreciate every comment that I read. So I like to pick one that really stood out for me and just give you guys a shoutout, let you guys know that I appreciate the feedback and really take it all in. So this is from sincere. He wrote, watching this made me like shiver and cry. God spoke through you on this one. I love you guys. I love comments like this. I just love reading the comments. It's the reason why I continue to do this. So continue to write your comments. You never know. You might be selected and shouted out on the next episode. Thanks for tuning in. This is the voice of reason, the friend that cares about your growth. I'll see you next time. That's my girl. The friend that cares more about your growth than your feelings.