Brandon Held - Life Is Crazy - Episode 17

The speaker discusses the difficulties and challenges of his third divorce, particularly due to his ex-wife's tendency to cut people off when angry. Initially, they discussed an amicable divorce, but she hired a lawyer and it became an ugly and lengthy battle. She took their children and refused to let him see them for months, causing him anger. During the divorce, he was also laid off from his job, adding to his difficulties. He turned down a job offer from Raytheon and remained loyal to his previous employer, DSI. He eventually received a severance package but had to sell his home as per the judge's requirement for custody. The divorce was finalized, granting him 50-50 custody, but he still had to pay child support and spousal maintenance, leaving him feeling betrayed by his attorney. Welcome back to Brandon Howe, Life is Crazy, Episode 17. And so last time I left off with the beginning of the end of my third marriage, my now third divorce, and it was a tough one. It was going to obviously be the most difficult one for multiple reasons. We had been together for 12 years, married for 10 years. We had two sons together. You know, she was the kind of person that I had learned that when she, you know, cuts you off, she cuts you off. Like she had cut off her sister, you know, who she's very close with for a year because she didn't get a room that she was supposed to get in college. You know, she cut off her mother because, you know, I don't know if her mother was against us getting married or something. I don't exactly know what happened, but she had cut her off. You know, she just, when she gets mad at people, she just cuts them off and doesn't have anything to do with them. And I knew that's the road I was headed with her, and so I knew it was going to be a difficult divorce, and it was going to be difficult to be a father with this woman because I knew she didn't have the maturity to deal with that situation. And it just turned out to be absolutely true. So you know, initially, after all the fighting and arguing, you know, died down, we discussed an amicable divorce and, you know, where, you know, I would get 50-50 custody and, you know, we would split our things, you know, in the house and we would go our separate ways. And, you know, we were, she was saying how she felt like I needed to help financially provide for her on top of this, you know, because she didn't work, she didn't have a life or she didn't have a career, you know, and I said, look, you know, the money I make is enough to pay for, you know, me and the boys and my life. I don't have an income to take care of someone else. And so I guess somewhere along the way, probably through talking people, to people behind the scenes, she decided this divorce wasn't going to be amicable anymore and she went and she hired an attorney, right? So then I had to hire an attorney and it just turned into this ugly, almost two-year-long divorce, right? She was living with me for a little while, while we were, you know, I don't know. We had a, I don't know, a few-month period there where, I don't remember exactly how long, maybe two months, where it wasn't like 100% absolutely we are getting a divorce. There was some indecision in there where we were together in the same house, were we going to get divorced, were we not going to get divorced? You know, who knew? We were still maintaining some kind of relationship, but it obviously wasn't a good one, you know? It was a, it's a very crappy place to be, you know, in limbo when you don't know what direction you're heading. But at some point, we reached the direction of ugly and that's the way it went. So, you know, she decided to move out and take my kids and she, when she took my kids, she took my kids, you know, back to her parents over an hour and a half away. At first, I didn't know where she was or where she went and she would not let me see them. She just took them from me. So she was punishing me and she wouldn't let me see or have the kids and I didn't see my boys for over three months and I was angry. I was super angry, like wanted to kill her angry, you know? Not that I would, right? It's not an action I would take because they were, she was the mother of my two sons and I would never do anything like that to them because, you know, A, they lose a mother, B, they lose a father because then I end up in prison for the rest of my life, right? This is the part about where you learn from other people's mistakes, right? You watch the datelines, you read the news, you see other people that couldn't control themselves in that situation and they lost it and they ruined lives. And while I thought, you know, my children's lives were already severely affected in a negative way based on what was happening, I certainly didn't want to ruin lives, but I was so angry, you know, that's how I felt at the time when she took them away from me. And we would spend almost two years in the court system battling, you know, dividing up the assets, dividing up the properties, all that stuff, you know, that part was easy. That wasn't hard to do. That was material stuff. It was the fighting for, you know, she wanted spousal maintenance and she wanted full custody of my sons. So that's where the fight took time and got ugly and, you know, she 100% said things about me that weren't true, tried to paint a picture of me and say things that I did that wasn't true and I was severely hurt by that. I was offended and severely hurt by that because I thought at least after 12 years of being together and father of her two children, she would have some respect for me and some grace, but no, she was ruthless. She cut to the bone and accused me of things that I absolutely did not do. And so that made it ugly and so we had to go through this ugly divorce and ugly custody battle and it was not a good time. It was a bad time. And while I was going through this ugly divorce and ugly custody battle, I was approached by DSI and I was notified that Raytheon had decided to discontinue their contract with them because they felt like the way they were building this supply chain tracking tool was not happening fast enough or well enough to Raytheon's satisfaction. So they had decided they were going to pull together their own internal team and do what we had spent, you know, the last three, four years doing together and so yeah, it was like pouring gas on a fire. So not only was I going through this ugly, terrible divorce, now I was also going to be laid off and be unemployed. And so while I thought other times in my life were the lowest point in my life, I had now officially reached the lowest point in my life, right? I was now in my early 40s, divorced for three times, laid off again for a second time and I just didn't really know what I was going to do. I didn't know how I was going to rebound and I applied for a job with Raytheon again during my last months with DSI and I was offered a job with Raytheon but it was a lower grade than I had before when I was a Raytheon employee and it was a 20K pay cut from what I was currently making and I felt like the job was beneath me and I also had, you know, the bosses at DSI asking me to stick it out with them and take the contract to the end and it would be worth my while because, you know, Mark had already left, Blair had already taken a job with Raytheon and I was the last man standing. So I felt a sense of loyalty because loyalty is big for me. It's an important attribute that I think people should have for people that do right by them when the going gets tough and the chips are down and so I felt that for DSI and so I turned that job with Raytheon down and I stuck it out for those last few months with DSI and, you know, they gave me a nice severance package, you know, it wasn't amazing, you know, they gave me, they paid me all the way up to the end and they gave me, you know, I don't know, I want to say $12,000 maybe-ish, I'm not sure, but anyway I thought, well, you know, if I live life on the cheap, I can make this money last until I can get another job, you know, I can swing it, I can get by, you know, I just got a job offer from Raytheon that I turned down so, you know, I'll find another one, I'll rebound, things will turn around. I was also forced to sell my home at that time and move. The judge told me that he wasn't going to give me 50-50 custody if I didn't live in the same area that my now ex was going to live and where they would go to school because how could he? How could he give me 50-50 custody if I didn't live in the same area without the ability to take them to school? So I had to sell my home, which, you know, this was a few years before COVID and I was really distraught by this. A, I loved this home, B, my kids loved this home, and C, it was just a bad time to sell. So, you know, when I, by the time I sold it and paid out commissions and I had owned this home for, you know, seven years at this point making payments on this home, I had to write a $500 check to sell this home. I had to lose money out of my pocket to sell this home after seven years. And you know, fast forward to the future, the people that bought it from me for $200,000 turned around and sold it during COVID for, you know, over $350,000. So they made like $150,000 off of my home that I was forced to sell because I was going through a divorce and my ex wanted to live in a different area. And if I wanted to have my kids, that's what I had to do. And so that's what I did. You know, again, trying to be a good man, doing the right thing, the same thing, you know, I was trying to do for Ethan when I moved to Dayton, Ohio to be with him. You know, I did the same thing for my boys this time as well. But I was now going to be unemployed. And so I lost my job and I was unemployed and we were still going through the divorce. And this was eight months after I had lost my job that the divorce was finalized and I was still unemployed. I had been laid off and the judge decided, you know, I would get 50-50 custody, but I would still have to pay child support and I would still have to pay spousal maintenance. And I was just blown away by this, right? And my attorney, who I had paid thousands and thousands of dollars to, acted like he did a good job for me, you know. And at the end of the day, what did he really do? You know, he didn't do a good job for me because it was my idea to have my kids interviewed by the court system because she was trying to say that I was a bad father, that I was abusive and all this other BS that wasn't true. And so I said, you know, hey, have the court system interview my kids. You know, my kids will tell you. They'll tell you that they love me just as much as they do their mother, that I'm better to them than their mother because their mother is the one that loses control and can't keep her cool with them when they push her too far. So I knew that that would make a huge swing in my favor and that was my ideal idea. That wasn't my attorney's idea. I made that happen. So the judge, you know, said straight up that he makes his decision based off what they recommend after the interview. The, you know, I forget what they're called, but that position recommends after the interview, that's what he does. He's like, it's not my decision at that point. I do what they say. And I said, absolutely, 100 percent. That's what I'm hoping for, you know. So, of course, they interviewed my kids. My kids, yeah, we love our dad. Our dad's great. He's good to us. We want to spend just as much time with him as we do our mom. And that's why that ended up that way. But he couldn't get me from not paying spousal maintenance. He couldn't get me from not paying child support. I had to split all the assets. I had to write the $500 check. I had to take all the debt that was acquired during our marriage from credit cards. I had to take on all that. It all belonged to me. And then my attorney acted like he wanted to do something, that he did something for me. It was crazy to me. I couldn't believe it. So, talk about a guy who was clueless and out of his mind. And so that's where I was. I was unemployed, divorced, and now insanely in debt between the credit card debt that was now all mine and all on me and now spousal maintenance and child support that I had to pay. And I'm unemployed, you know? So, I really just felt lost at the time. So, I did what I could do, what I could control, right? So, I was married. I had gotten a little overweight from working every day and, you know, fighting with a wife that didn't want to let me go to the gym. I'm not sure what she had against me working out or being in shape, but she just didn't want it to happen. So, I had let myself go a little bit, and then I decided I'm going to get back in shape and I'm at least going to feel good about myself physically while I go through this difficult time. And so, I do that, you know? I go to the gym. I drop weight. I start lifting. I, you know, I get in really good shape. And then, of course, you know, I am now someone who's divorced three times, and now I have three sons that I don't get to see every day. So, I'm not in a hurry to be in a serious relationship and be someone that wants to get married again. As a matter of fact, I thought I would never get married again. That was my position at that time. I'm never getting married again. So, I just turned into a total man-whore. You know, I moved to an apartment complex. It was a nice enough one, but not one that was so expensive that it was going to suck me dry. And, you know, it was a lot of single people, single men, single women. And, you know, I was on online dating apps, and, you know, I was meeting people organically at the gym, stuff like that. And I was just a straight-up man-whore. I was just hooking up with all kinds of women all the time. I even had my, you know, fourth threesome in this time of life. I didn't tell you about my third, but, you know, that's out of respect for the person that the threesome occurred with. But, you know, I had my fourth one during this time, and I was just out of control. And, you know, eventually that comes up where you start feeling like, you know, it's not what I like. It's not who I am, right? I love love. I believe in love. I think love is one of the greatest things that can happen to you in life, if not the greatest, if you are loved by the right person, and you love the right person. And what you can conquer together with love, right? Love for your children, love for your mom, your grandparents, your, you know, your siblings, and your significant other. I believe in love. I always have. And so, when there's someone like that, and you're not ready for that because you're not ready for the pain that comes with that when it doesn't work, because, let's face it, at this point in my life, it hasn't worked. So, you just go the opposite direction, and you try to turn your emotions off, and you become a robot, and you, you know, just go through the motions with people, right? I mean, I still was charming enough and was in good shape to meet people and have connections and hook up. But for me, it wasn't going to go any farther than that. That's where it stopped. That's where it ended. And I heard some people along the way. Hell, I met some people along the way that wanted to hook up with me that I wouldn't hook up with because I'm picky. And I also didn't want to ruin friendships because I knew that the feelings for me were deeper than a hook up. And, you know, I just didn't want to get involved with that because I didn't want to hurt people that I liked or cared about. And I knew, you know, it wouldn't be anything more than a hook up to me. So I was going through this time unemployed, struggling with my emotions and just being a good man in general. I was trying to find myself again, trying to dig myself out of a hole again in my early 40s. And it's a tough place to be. It was a tough place to find myself. So one of the things that I tried to do was I tried to become a teacher and I tried to teach at a high school. And that lasted about, I don't know, three or four months because it just wasn't for me. I liked the kids, but the pay was, you know, less than half of what I was used to getting paid in my previous jobs. The administration at the high school was terrible. The leadership was just terrible and it just wasn't something that I could put up with or wanted to deal with. So, you know, I was running out of money. My nest egg, if you will, was coming to an end and I didn't have any jobs on the horizon. And, you know, I had recently met a woman on the app who was single and we started talking and, you know, I proposed that we started dating and we did. And then I explained my situation to her and she offered to let me move in with her. And we had known each other like a month and I just felt like I had no other choice, you know, because I was literally going to be homeless. That's the position I was going to be in. So I took her up on that offer and I decided to move in with someone that I really didn't even know that well. She seemed to be nice. You know, she seemed to be cool. But, you know, who knows what you're really going to get, right? And she was a native Mexican who was living here in Tucson and she was a Latina. And if you know Mexicans and you know Latinas, you know what I was getting into. But guess who didn't know what he was getting into? Me. I had no idea what I was stepping into. So I thought I was stepping into a dating relationship with someone, and I guess it would be more significant than that since we were going to live together, but someone who is just a kind, caring person, because that's all I had seen to that point. But man, did it not turn out that way at all. I mean, she was incredibly jaded and broken from some of her past relationships and the things she had gone through in life. And I just found myself in a situation where I was with someone who was insecure and jealous and broken. And I was still trying to find my way. I was still trying to regain my sense of being a man with my employment and being on my own two feet. And now I was stuck with this person and I was stuck because I had no income, no way to take care of myself. And now I was trying to, you know, be a square peg and try to fit into a round hole. And I was trying to make that work. And it just ended up being a tough time. There were some real ups and downs in that relationship, but it didn't go that way for a little while, right? Obviously, I moved in and in the beginning, everything was smooth. Everything was good, you know, and my kids were coming and they were spending their week at a time with me, their 50-50 time with me. And I was taking them to school and picking them up because it was obviously easy. I didn't have a job. And, you know, everything was going okay in the beginning. And so, you know, my older son, Ethan, who is now an adult at this point, you know, he had already graduated high school. He had spent some time in college and then he dropped out of college because it just wasn't working for him for whatever reason. And he felt like, you know, he didn't want to be in college and he was struggling to find his way in life. So I had offered for Ethan to move out to Arizona with me and her after having a discussion with her because she had a room available. And, you know, I really was figuring, like, even though I'm unemployed and I'm not on my feet so much, I could, you know, help Ethan. He could come out here to Arizona and I could help him get his life going. I can invest my time in him and my energy in him and my knowledge in him and try to help him get his life on track. You know, but Ethan had other ideas and he's a little stubborn, like his mom. And it just didn't go that way. And it just went a completely different route. And I guess I will get into some of the details of that on the next episode. And I'm going to end this episode for now. And thanks for joining. And I'll talk to you next time.