Brandon Held - Life is Crazy - Episode 1

A man named Brandon Held shares his first memory of witnessing domestic abuse as a 2-year-old. He believes this memory shaped him into a protector who wants to help others. He introduces himself as a 51-year-old married man with three sons and a background in math communications and business administration. He served in the military and wants to leave a legacy for his children. He plans to share his life story in a podcast, hoping to inspire and motivate others. He emphasizes the importance of learning from mistakes and the impact of other people's narratives. He briefly mentions his childhood and his mother's struggle as a young, single mother. Imagine this, you're 2 years old, you're sitting in the living room of your trailer, and your dad walks into your house, and what you see your dad do is go into the bathroom, pull your mother out of the shower, and then bring her out of the room and throw her over the couch and start beating her and hitting on her, right in front of you, this 2 year old little kid. That's my first memory in life, for the longest time I thought that was a dream or something I made up, and one day I told my mom, when I was much older, that I had this memory, and when I explained that to her, and I told her it was a wall paneling of wood, the door was brown, the couch was green, she said, oh my god, I can't believe you remember that, you were 2 years old. So this is my first memory in life, why is this a big deal, well, for a couple of reasons, number one, a lot of people believe kids don't remember anything when they're that small, even you made me believe you don't remember anything when you were that young, but obviously it happens, and they do, because I did, and it was traumatic enough and significant enough that I did remember that, and the other reason is that this memory, this thing that is deep inside my brain for 50 years of my life now, has shaped who I am as a man, and has not stopped, has never gone away, I am a protector, and I want to help people that are suffering and can't defend themselves. So this is a little bit about me, I'm going to start with that opening line, and then I'm going to let you know all the details of my life, for 51 and a half years of my life, that I remember, that I can tell, the good times and the bad, just so you can get an idea of my life and what I've gone through, and see if you can relate to that, see if you can draw in from that, one way or another, good, bad, or indifferent. My name is Brandon Held, and like I said, I'm over 51, 51 and a half at this point, I am married, and I have three sons, I have an undergraduate degree in math communications, and a master's degree in MBA, Master's in Business Administration, I also served 8 years total military service, 4 years in the Air Force, and 4 years in the Army, and I will get into the details of all that stuff much later on. The idea behind this whole podcast is multiple, one, I want to leave a legacy behind, for my sons, and maybe future children, that's right, future children, if life should go that way, and just, you know, let them know, this is what their dad or grandfather went through, and they can hear it firsthand, first account, in my own voice, and then maybe someone can learn from these circumstances, or maybe someone is going through the circumstances that I have already gone through, and this can help give them motivation and understanding that you can come out the other side. And you know, potentially, maybe later on down the road, people will be able to ask me questions, and I can answer those questions, and I can give my thoughts and opinions on, you know, anything that anyone has to ask me. I'm not shy, I'm in no way professional at recording or doing anything in media, even though my undergrad degree was in mass communications, that was 25 years ago at this point, and I never did anything in that realm of life, so if this sounds amateur, and this doesn't sound well-rehearsed or well-prepared, it's because really, it's not supposed to be. Yeah, I have bullet points, and notes, and things that I want to say, but they're just literally, this is the idea, talk about this. And the whole point is to keep it real, to keep it raw, and just be honest, right? Just say what happened as it happened, in my own words, my own point of view, and you know, that's how we all see life, in our own words, our own point of view. You know, maybe someone went through the same thing with me, and you know, I give my point of view from what I saw and what I felt during that incident, it's exactly that, it's my point of view, they would have their own point of view, and I don't disregard someone's honest, authentic, and real point of view, if you're doing that, I have no problem with it. I don't mind when people embellish or rewrite history, because it doesn't fit the narrative of what they want to get across, and believe me, that does happen, that has happened in my life, with some significant people in my life, and they really do rewrite history to make themselves, you know, more of a, you know, I don't know, to be felt sorry for, more of a martyr, I guess, if you will, and you know, I have definitely learned in life, there are people that enjoy the attention they get from people feeling sorry for them, so you know, that can only happen if life's not as bad as it really is for you, but you can certainly change the narrative to make sure that the story you're telling, you know, people should feel sorry for you, so again, my intention is not to have anyone feel sorry for me, and hopefully, by the time you've listened to and heard all of this, you will, you know, think, hey, this guy went through some stuff, and he's doing alright, because that's how I feel. I feel I've gone through some stuff, I also feel like, in some regards, I've had a pretty good life, you know, not rich by any stretch of the imagination, so, you know, I don't get to live today's social media life where I'm yachting and private jetting and living in mansions and all that, but you know, honestly, it was never really a goal of mine, even as a young child. My goals have evolved over time, as I've learned more and more what's possible and what I am capable of, but again, those are things I'll delve into, and so, the idea is that over multiple episodes, I will get through the story of my life, and the idea is to release one or two episodes a week, really two episodes a week is the idea, and if somehow, some way, this reaches some kind of platform where people listen, and they enjoy what I have to say, and they feel like they want to hear more, or they want me to help them in some way, then I would love to continue, and I would love to do more. I have ideas for interviewing some significant people in my life and bringing them on the podcast and seeing if, you know, you can get a better feel and idea of some of these people I will talk about that have been significant figures in my life, one way or another, and then I also just want to keep each episode 20 to 30 minutes long. I know people, myself included, have a short attention span, you know, sometimes my wife will send me an episode of some kind of show, and she'll be like, oh, you really need to listen to this, it looks so good, and it'll be like 90 minutes or 105 minutes, and I'll be like, whoa, you know, I don't really want to listen to all that. So I ask her for a synopsis, and, you know, then I decide if I want to put the time and energy into something that long just based off of the information she has provided, but I don't want to make you have to make that decision, you know, 20 or 30 minutes, not too bad. I think we can spare that if we enjoy a podcast, and twice a week, so that's what I'm going for here. And so, yeah, that's the intro. Again, my name is Brandon Held, and I hope you enjoy this story of my life, and I hope you can learn from it, because that is one thing I have tried to do in life, is learn from not only my mistakes, but other people's mistakes. One of the biggest points of emphasis that I've had in life to try to be who I am is to learn from other people's mistakes, and I think you'll understand why. So I'm going to start with my childhood. Obviously, you heard my opening introduction to my first memory in life. By the way, shortly thereafter, my mother, who was 18 years old, with now a two-year-old son and a one-year-old daughter, my sister, who is obviously one year younger than me, divorced my biological father because he was abusive to her. She was 18, he was, I believe, around five years older than her, so at that point, 23, but when, you know, they started together, she was 16, he was 21, I don't know how they got away with that, but they did, you know, maybe earlier, younger, because she had, my mother gave birth to me when she was 16, so, you know, who knows if that happened quickly or if they were together when she was 15 and he was 20, who knows, I don't know. So my mother divorced him at that time, and now here she was, an uneducated 18-year-old woman in a small town, and now she has two children and no husband, and, you know, in the early 70s, mid-70s, that's tough, it's a tough way to live life, you know, women are already currently underpaid and aren't equal to men, so imagine what it was like back then, when you're uneducated, you have two children, and you have no experience for work and life. And so, you know, I really, I really don't know how my mom survived, other than the fact that, so I have my first real memories when I get up there around, you know, eight, nine years old, I don't know how she made it from the time I was two until then, I don't know who supported her or who helped her get food on the table, put a roof over her head, I really don't remember that part of my life that well, but I do remember around eight years old, when I was living in a trailer across the street from my grandmother and my great-grandmother, who both happened to live side-by-side in their trailers on a shared property, and, you know, we enjoyed living close to our grandmother, because I loved my grandmother very much, and I remember riding bikes out in front, you know, in the street, and playing outside, you know, those are really kind of the only things I remember. And then my mom was married to this guy named Mark, at this point, and my mother's name is Eva, by the way, I have not said her name yet, but it's Eva, and, you know, they had a new baby, and her name was Brooke, and, you know, something happened, you know, I don't really know the details of the story, but something happened where Brooke fell on the couch, and my mother and my stepdad got into a huge, like, explosive argument, and I really don't know the details of that, but all I know is, you know, one day, when I was in, I believe, the fourth grade, which would put me at, you know, kindergarten, I'm five, six, seven, eight, nine, so nine years old, my mother tells me and my sister to go over to my grandma's house, who I call Mamaw, and I will refer, from this point forward, as Mamaw, she told me to go over to my Mamaw's house, and that she would see us later, and I don't remember the details, I don't know if she gave us a note, I genuinely don't know what happened, but when she did that, that was the last time I saw my mother for over a year, so what she had done was she sent myself and my sister over to my Mamaw's house, and then she had given my little sister to her father, and then my mom left, she left, she moved to Oklahoma, didn't tell anybody, didn't give anybody heads up, just did what was best for her, and, you know, and that'll be a theme that will take me many years to catch on to, is my mother doing what's best for her, and so my sister and I were living with my grandmother, and, you know, my Mamaw, who I loved very much, but I also loved my mom, I was a nine-year-old little boy, you know, she was the world to me, she was all I knew, I didn't have a dad, I didn't have a father figure, I had a younger sister, and we got along okay, but I missed my mother, and so we were living with my Mamaw, and, you know, my mom would call on occasion, and it would be painful, I would always want to know, when are you coming home, when are you coming home, I would, you know, cry, miss her, I saw a side of my loving, caring Mamaw that I had never seen before, you know, in her defense, wasn't her job to raise us, but she did, for the year that she had us, she didn't give us away, she didn't throw us on anyone else, she took care of us, and it wasn't easy for her, it was a stressful time, and I saw that at times, when she would get mad and upset, you know, she wasn't my Mamaw that was kind and sweet and loving, she got upset, because me, my sister and I were, you know, I'm sure, a pain in the ass at times, and so, I did get to witness that, and it was a tough time, so, here I was in elementary school, you know, barely surviving in school, which will be a theme throughout my childhood, is, you know, stressed out, worried, missing my mommy, and, you know, going to school under these conditions, and I just didn't care, I didn't care about school, you know, I cared about my friends, and like, hanging out with them, and getting along with everybody, and playing on the playground, after school, you know, I wanted to ride bikes, or play, whatever, but I did not care about school, and, you know, so, eventually, after a year, my mom comes home, she returns home, and now she's married again, to this new guy, named Ricky, so you know, my mom leaves, she's married to a guy named Mark, she returns, and she's married to a guy named Ricky, and, you know, so, I was just happy my mom was home, you know, Ricky came with her, and that was part of the package, but I didn't really care at that time, I was just happy she was home, so, she comes home, she gets my sister and I, we move into this tiny little two bedroom apartment on McKinnick Street, I'll never forget it, and, it was a shitty place, it was crappy, for real, it just wasn't nice, we had blankets hanging up, to divide rooms, you know, we didn't have doors, I remember it being really cold in the winter, pretty warm in the summer, and, yeah, I mean, you know, we're kind of new there, and one night I'm laying in bed, sleeping, you know, a ten year old little boy at this point, and the next thing I know, my mom comes running into the room, crying, screaming, she literally picks me up, and puts me in front of her, and uses me as a shield, because Ricky has been beating her, he's been hitting her, and beating the shit out of her, and imagine this ten year old boy, being brought out of his sleep, to see that his mom is crying, and she's been beaten on, and this raged maniac is chasing her, coming after her, and then she uses me as a shield, which is just, you know, as an adult, unbelievable to me. Luckily for me, he didn't keep attacking, he didn't try to go through me, you know, that ended that argument, but this was the introduction of my mom getting beat in front of me again, when I already had that trauma inside of me that I previously told you about with my own biological father, and by the way, biological father, out of my life, I skipped over that part a little bit, but when my mother got divorced from my biological father, he ran, he ran, and he said, you'll never see me again, and I didn't, I never met him my entire life, my sister did at some point, but we can talk about that later. So, no biological father in my life, my mother returns, my stepdad is, what I now learn, is an alcoholic who rages when he's been drinking, and becomes abusive, and, you know, when you're ten years old, and you're going through this, you're in shock, you know, because you love your mother, I loved my mother, loved her, she was amazing at making me feel like she loved me, and also feeling sorry for her, you know, she told me every sob story she had to tell about her abuse as a child, about what she's gone through as an adult, about how hard it is for her to raise us as a single mom, I mean, she really drove home how I should feel sorry for her, and you know, she's really my first introduction to the kind of person that loves the attention from the sympathy that she gets from other people, you know, she loves, she loves that, and I was the one that really received that the most as a child, but didn't know that's what was happening, I didn't know that's what I was getting, I just knew I loved my mother, and, you know, she had a rough life, and I felt sorry for her, and now I'm defenseless, and I can't help her as a ten year old little boy, while this grown man beats the crap out of her, and all I can do is sit by and watch, you know, and this is just the first time I saw it happen, you know, I would see this happen for the next six, seven years of my life, maybe less, but, you know, somewhere around there, I would see that happen, a lot, and I was scared, I was afraid, even as a teenage boy, I was afraid of my stepfather, Ricky, because he had a reputation for being a badass, he had a reputation for, in a bar fight, taking on three people, and beating the shit out of three people in a bar fight, and who was I, this teenage scrawny kid, what was I going to do, you know, so I went the only way I could go, and that was, try to convince my mom, you know, she didn't have to put up with this, I remember, my sister and I both, mom, you don't have to put up with this, just leave this guy, leave this guy, and it fell on deaf ears, so, anyway, about a year, or less, upon my mom's return, my little brother, RJ, was born, he was born, obviously, Ricky was a father, so now I had this little brother, about ten years younger than I am, and, you know, he was everything to me, at that point, you know, this little baby boy, you know, I don't know, I don't know how to explain it, he wasn't like, wasn't like just having a brother, it was almost like having a brother slash son, and it changed me forever, you know, the turmoil that were my mother and his father, made me feel very protective of him, you know, and a sense of responsibility, of making sure that he was okay, and he was good, and, you know, this is where I really started to grow up a little bit in life, and learn responsibility, was when my brother was born, and that's where I'm going to stop for this episode, because we're getting close to 30 minutes, and like I said, the idea is to keep these 20 to 30 minutes, and I'm going to end this episode right here, and so the next episode, we'll pick up with, you know, after my brother, RJ, was born, and we'll take it from there, so I appreciate you listening, I hope that you're intrigued to learn more, and I'll talk to you next time.