episode 4

In this episode of the Everything Bagels podcast, the hosts discuss their experiences with religion, specifically Christianity. They share how their families had strong religious beliefs, but their personal experiences differed. One of the hosts had limited church attendance and even got kicked out once. They also had a home Bible church where they had lessons every Sunday. The other host had a traumatic experience when their super religious mother disapproved of their bisexual girlfriend, causing a strain in their relationship and leading to a period of disownment. Both hosts talk about the pressure and expectations placed on them by their families due to their religious beliefs. They also mention feeling anxiety and confusion about their own beliefs and experiences with religion. Hello everyone and welcome to episode 4 of the Everything Bagels podcast. I have Eric here with me today. Say hello, Eric. Hello. How's it going? So today we're going to be talking about religion and this episode is actually a two-parter. I don't know if I'll label it like episode 4 and 5 or like episode 4 part 1, episode 4 part 2, but it is a two-parter. So this is not the entire episode, so you're going to have to stick around for the next part. Me and Eric both have like very, very, very strong opinions about religion, specifically Christianity. Whenever I say religion, I'm literally always referring to Christianity because we live in America. So today's episode, you know, instead of just jumping the boat and, you know, just going and saying all of our opinions, I want to give more of a background on like where we came from, like what happened to us in our lifetime that made us feel this way, I guess, if that makes sense. So Eric, if you want to go first, you can go ahead. Sure, sure. I'd love to talk about my religious experience growing up. It's my favorite thing to talk about. So basically, I was raised in a family that was predominantly Christian, but like it was really weird though because we really didn't go to church. But my family, or like specifically my mom, always had like very, very strong religious beliefs that she always wanted us to like kind of follow. So like my only churchgoing experience was like on holidays, oddly enough, so like Easter, which actually there's like a funny story about that. I'll like tell like a little bit later, but like it wasn't like Easter or like specific holidays, but like we were always raised with like a very strong like Christian like background, I guess. I guess I'll just tell a story now. But basically, I've been to church like maybe three times, like an actual physical church. And one of the times I got kicked out, it was actually like during Easter. There was a kid who was bullying my like younger brother, and I like punched him in the face and I got kicked out of church. Yeah, I just thought I'd add that. Hey, I approve. I approve of that. If I was God, I would have said amen, brother. Yeah, dude, it's fucking insane. So like that happened. But then like after that, my mom was just like, you know, I really want you guys to like get an education about like religion and stuff. So then we started like a home Bible church thing. It was like kind of cringe. So like every Sunday, we'd like meet in the living room and we'd like have little like church lessons and shit. And I remember this like one point specifically, because like I was always like kind of a doubter. I thought it was like bullshit from the start. So it was like one of the lessons and it was like talking about like salvation and like at the end of it, my mom was just like, are you ready to like give your soul up to like God pretty much and like accept Jesus into your life? Like she's like, this is the only way you can get into heaven. So like all my siblings did it and I was the only one that like didn't do it. My mom like was super fucking pissed. I remember she was so mad because I was like, I just have like questions like it seems like a huge life decision. I was like 11 years old at the time. So like I didn't do it. And I was just like, so it's that kind of like stuck in the back of my mom's mind for like a really, really long time. So then like, other than that, I really haven't had any like formal, like religious teaching or anything like that. But yeah, that's kind of like my religious like background, I guess. Yeah, yeah. You can go in further about because I know that like you, you, okay, you have via your mom, right? Because she is super religious, like you have like some, do you have like trauma from her? Yeah, because of pretty bad. Religious? Yeah. Pretty bad. Are you okay? Yeah, I can definitely do that. Okay. So basically, during like, my sophomore year of college, I started dating a girl and she was bi. And as everyone knows, you know, being gay, anything less than like straight and like Christianity is like an absolute sin, like meet you in hell, bitch, you know. And so my mom found out that she was like bi and it caused so much fucking, so much like turmoil in my, in my life. Because, you know, it was like my first like serious girlfriend too. So I was like super excited for her to like meet everyone, thought like my parents would be like super cool about it. And then like I go to like, you know, introduce her to her and just give her like the cold shoulder, like absolutely just like shit on her and stuff. And like, it just caused like so many issues to the point where like, we ended up like, we broke up for many reasons. But I was like, kind of like the primary cause because like, they could never get along. It was primarily because of the fact that she was like bisexual or whatever. Anytime there was like any fight with like my mom or anything, she would always bring up the fact that like my girlfriend was bisexual and like, was just like disowner and shit. And it was like really, really shitty. So it got to the point where like, I pretty much stopped talking to my family. And I was like personally disowned from my family. Like, no contact for like multiple years because of it. It is like all because of like Christianity and just like the fact that they had particular beliefs about like people's sexuality and stuff. So like, it had real life consequences on like shit that you can't prove, which like really, really sucked. Yeah, did your parents like have expectations of how you should act or like put pressure on you because of their religion? Um, kind of like, yeah, pretty much like you should always, I wouldn't say the expectations. But like, they always thought that I should, you know, believe that there's like a God and that without it, like, I'll never be like saved in their eyes or whatever. So they always tell me that like, I'm going to hell and shit. And like, my mom is like literally broken down and like cried in the living room. It's just like, just like out of random, like we'll be like watching TV or something. And it's like out of the blue, she'll start like crying. I was like, what the fuck is wrong? And she'll be like, I'm just thinking about like, whenever I die, like, I'm not gonna see you in heaven and you're gonna burn in hell. I'm just like, I'm like, what the fuck? I'm just like, okay, thanks, mom. Love you too, bro. Like, this fucking episode of Breaking Bad is really good. Like, don't you think? Thanks for, thanks for, uh. Thank you for, you know. A little commercial break. Right? But yeah, that's crazy. Oh my God. It's pretty fucked, dude. I mean, that's kind of like the tip of the iceberg, but that's like. Yeah. The little TLDR. Well, mine's not going to be a TLDR. Mine's going to be a. I'm going to give y'all my bargain. You're getting the fucking lore, dude. You're getting my lore today, guys. So. For me, I was, um. My family is Christian, like my grandparents, great grandparents. My one set of my grandparents are like far more, I guess, outward about it. Um. Then again, I am closer to one set of my grandparents than I was the other, but. So throughout my life, I was always taught, you know, you do, you do everything for God, basically. Like if you're nice to someone, it's because you want to please God, right? Like you don't want to do bad things because of the threat of this guy. You know what I'm saying? Um. So as you can, you know, kind of guess that kind of gave me anxiety as, you know, a child. Um. So. I basically, um. That was that was like the bare minimum of the anxiety. Okay. Um. And I can remember. This one time, uh, my parents were at Walmart and, um. I was at my grandma's house and we had, uh, my grandpa had a police scanner in his bedroom and something came on the scanner. And it was like, there's a shooting at Walmart. And I remember I was very, very little, like, I'm not even sure that Connor was born yet. Connor's my brother, by the way, guys, I don't know if I've told that on the podcast yet, but. Um. I remember I, like, exclaimed, like, oh, my God, like, because, you know, my grandma was sitting here telling me that there was a shooting at Walmart. I heard it on the scanner, you know what I'm saying? Like, any child is going to be, like, scared. So I said, oh, my God. It's like the child version of like, oh, shit. Yeah, basically. And I remember my grandma got so mad at me. She looked at me. She's like, you never say that. You never say the Lord's name in vain. Oh, shit. And I cried. I literally cried. Because, like, here I am, right? Like, the scanner's going off. Saying there's a shooting at Walmart. I don't even know if it's the Walmart that my parents are at, right? And then my grandma, I see my grandma's getting freaked out about it. And then I get reprimanded for having a reaction. How dare you be anxious about this? Because I used the Lord's name in vain. So that also, you know, obviously, anxiety. Whatever. And my family was Christian. But my parents are breaking the cycle of, like, forced religion. But that didn't really happen until later in my life. So for the first, I would say up until I was in elementary school whenever we stopped going to church. So I had been going to church since I was very little. And I can remember being in the pews. And, like, we would bow our heads in prayer. And I just didn't understand it. Like, I would always, I would keep my eyes open. I would keep my eyes open. And I would look around the room, and I would be, like, expecting to see something. Or, like, feel something. Because, you know, everyone's like, oh, you can feel God's presence, right? But I didn't. And I was just so curious, you know what I'm saying? So it wasn't like I was opening my eyes at a rebellion. I was just like, yo, where is this guy? You know what I'm saying? Yeah. It's like, what the fuck am I supposed to be feeling? Yeah, like, excuse me, God. Let me feel your what? I also remember one day I was sitting next to my grandma in church. And the pastor was giving, like, a lecture on, like, I think, like, death or, like, the afterlife or something like that. And he said something along the lines of, oh, like, we all die one day or something like that. And I just started crying. And I was little, but I can still remember this just because it's, like, core memories. Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah. And I just started crying. And to my grandma. And my grandma was like, what is wrong with you? Like, what are you doing? And the reason that I was crying is because at such a young age, like, they were talking about, like, death just all the time. Like, and talking about how, like, if you didn't do this, you will suffer after you die. And it's like, even as a child, that's like, as a child, that's just so hard. It's like such an abstract thing. It's so hard to process. It's so hard to grasp. Yeah. Like, I'm six. Like, I really don't know how to process any of this. I just finished, like, my fucking, like, Thomas the Train Engine episode. Like, now I'm processing, like, the afterlife. I'm having to think about death, like, now? Like, dude, I was just born. My own mortality? I was just born, like, six years ago, bro. Bro, can I just eat my Reese's cup? Right. Like. Right. So that's another core memory that I have. And then, so that obviously caused anxiety as well. See, I'm always going back to anxiety, and there's a reason for this, okay? So we had a camp every summer at this church, and it was like a huge thing. It was a free day camp. And I remember I was in sixth or seventh grade, and they had just gotten a new pastor. And this new pastor was so hip and cool, and he was epic or whatever. And I was – it was the last day of camp, okay? And I don't know if any of you all have been to church camp or any sort of, you know, religious camp, but the last day is very significant. And if you don't know why, I'll tell you in a second, okay? So it was the last day, and we were in our little – our allotted class time to talk about the Bible. So there were so many kids in this room, right? And there were so many adults as well, plus the preacher, the – a bunch of, like, official people. I really don't know what they're called in the room. And they were talking about, like, being saved and stuff. So what they did was they passed out glow sticks, and they turned off the lights. And he was like, so if you want to be saved, just crack your glow stick, right? Like, close your eyes. Everyone had their eyes closed. You crack your glow stick, and you hold it up. So I was feeling – I don't know if any of you all who are listening to this have ever had a panic attack before. But whenever I have panic attacks, it's like everything – it feels like everything is going towards my torso. Like, all of the tenseness goes towards my torso. Everything – it's like I'm imploding. Everything is tense, and I get the cold sweats. So that's what I was feeling like. And I felt like if I didn't do this now, like, I would just, you know, be tortured in hell, right? So I felt so much pressure to do this, but at the same time, I didn't know what I was believing in. So I did it. I did it anyways. I'm sitting here, cold, sweating, whatever. So they take the kids who cracked their glow sticks out into the hallway with, like, the preacher, other official people. And they're like, okay, we're going to, like, pray over you, blah, blah, blah. We're going to save you. And I just – and I just started shaking. And so my aunt was one of the – she was one of the instructors, and she was out there. And she, like, noticed that I was, like, not okay. So she, like, pulled me to the side, and the preacher came too. And they just started – I can't remember what they were saying – what they said to me because I was literally panicking. I started bawling my eyes out. I was shaking. And they were like, this is good. This is good that you're feeling this. Like, this means that, you know, you're really ready to be saved. It's just the love of God, dude. Yeah, that's – they were – that's literally what they were telling me. They were like, this is so great. That's fucking – that's insane. So they prayed over me or whatever. And then my aunt was like, hey, do you want to, like, go call your dad? You know, like, it might make you feel better. So I did. I walked outside, and I called my dad. And I just – I was still crying, and I, like, told him or whatever. And it's so funny because my dad was the guy that worked at the water slide on the camp days. So he's, like, out there trying to make sure kids don't drown. And I'm, like, sobbing on the other line, like, dude, I just got saved. I cracked my glow stick. Yeah, I cracked my glow stick. So that happened. And then I just remember I cried for so long after that. Like, I was on the bus crying. And the instructors – it wasn't the same people telling me that it was a good thing. It was different people each time because there were so many leaders there. And so a bunch of the younger people were, like, yeah, like, I cried for so long whenever I was saved. Like, I was just so happy. It's such a good feeling. And I'm sitting here, like, I don't know what it has to be. We're crying for different reasons. We're crying for different reasons, bro. Like, I'm developing an anxiety disorder right now. Like, my amygdala is eternally fucked. Like, I just – so that – and let me elaborate for those listening on the part that I mentioned earlier. So at church camps, they have this thing called cry night, right? So church camps are meant to exhaust the fuck out of you, right? So this particular camp that I went to is three days long. It started at 7 in the morning and it ended at, like, 3 to 4 p.m. We were doing, like, strenuous activities throughout the day, like physical activities. We had, like, laser tag. We had bouncy houses. We would go outside in the heat and stay there for hours. Like, it was – you know, it was fun, but at the same time, we're, like, children, you know? We're running on Kool-Aid and fucking Goldfish, okay? So – Are they training you to be, like, Navy SEALs or are they trying to, like, teach you about Jesus too? It felt like they were doing both at the same time, let me tell you. Like, that laser tag, dude, I wish I could explain the laser tag because it was epic, dude. If it was not affiliated with that church camp, I would so do it over again. Like, I love that laser tag. Okay, so anywho, they always do the huge, like, overstimulating emotional sermons on the last day, right? That's how they emotionally manipulate the kids into feeling the Holy Spirit. It's not the Holy Spirit, guys. You're just exhausted. You're just dead. You're overstimulated, okay? So, they have – now, this didn't happen at my church camp, but, like, I've heard other people tell stories, like, they have, like, flashing lights, they have, like, music going real loud, people are crying. Like, it's – it's – for a tiny child's brain who has just been through, like, 18 hours of, like, physical stuff over the past, like, three days, you're going to start crying, you know? So that's how they get you. That's how they get you. They're like, it's the Holy Spirit. He's moving through you. And then you get saved, and then you're, like, in the cult forever, so. In the cult forever. That's what happens, guys. Now, mine was obviously not that extreme. I was overstimulated. I was exhausted, and therefore – and I was anxious because, you know, Christianity makes me anxious. And that led to the panic attack and my inevitable saving, so. I can imagine you just, like, running off of, like, a communion wafer and, like, some juice for, like, three days. Bro, I'm running off of Jesus's body right now. Like, I keep, like – like – and this is where my experience is different from yours, Eric, because, like, you're a straight dude, right? So you didn't have, like, the extra gay anxiety that I had growing up, so. I knew that I was gay in fifth grade, right? I had my first crush on a girl in fifth grade, but I didn't know that gay people existed. So it's like, I didn't know I was gay because I didn't even know what the fucking concept was. But I really, like – now I can look back and say, yeah, I definitely had, like, a little – cutesy little elementary crush, you know? So I go to middle school and I start having crushes on, like, a lot of girls. And, you know, I live – I live right next to my grandparents. They practically helped – they helped raise me, you know? And so this was during, like, 2016, 20 – like, 2016 to 2020, okay? This is the era I'm talking about. So, you know, gay marriage was, you know, it was being more accepted. It was legalized, you know, close – not, like, during that time, but close to that time. And I remember a bunch of people talking about it. A lot of my peers were Christian and they did not like – they did not like gay people, okay? I had a boy in my science class who – he called me the effler, which I wasn't – first of all, I didn't even know I was gay. Second of all, I don't know why he called me that because, like, whatever, but apparently everyone thought I was gay, okay? And he called me the effler. And I was like, ouch, that hurts, and I also feel like I'm in danger now. So there was that. And then it's like I go home, or I go to my grandparents' house, and I hear them talk about, like, how it's wrong. I remember I was playing the game of life with my grandma. And you know how you put the little people, like, as you, like, have life events? So I had the life event – yeah. So I had the life event of getting married, and I put another pink one in my car because I just really wanted – like, I just had, like – like, that was my intuition. That was just natural for me. I just grabbed a pink one. And my grandma looked at me, and she was like, that's the wrong color. That's the wrong color. You need to get a blue one. And I was like, oh, I just, like – I was, like, stammering, right? Because I had these feelings, but I just never acknowledged them. And my grandma was like, oh, I thought because mine was pink I was supposed to get a pink one. She was like, no, no, no, that's wrong. That's wrong. You know, being gay is wrong. Like, something along those lines and how it's not right. Okay? Mm-hmm. So that – Those are, like, super religious grandparents, right? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The ones that I'm pretty close to. Mm-hmm. So that stuck with me for a long time. And it's like, I really, really hated myself for a long time. And I – it took me a while, but I realized that the hatred that I had for myself boiled down to the Christian view that certain things weren't right. I spent the entirety of my eighth grade year wishing that I was dead. And I wrote – I had a diary, and I wrote in my diary that I wanted to – that I thought that I was gay and that I should just kill myself. Jesus. Because I had a crush on my best friend at the time. And it's like, I didn't know why I hated myself. You know what I'm saying? At that time, I didn't realize that it was all of these comments, it was all of the, you know, religious teachings in my subconscious, right? Mm-hmm. Making me hate myself. Mm-hmm. And it really – it really, you know, it really messes you up to hate yourself for so long. Mm-hmm. And it's like, whenever you have – okay, so let's move on to freshman year. So I had another crush, right? On a girl, surprise! So, whenever you realize that, like, you have these feelings, and you can't suppress them – because that's what I've been trying to do, right? I've been trying to suppress the feelings because they're not right. I'm supposed to like dudes. So I tried to suppress them, and it's like, all that builds up, and then you just become, like, really, really depressed. And I would just cry. I would stay up at night. I would have panic attacks in the middle of the night just because I didn't understand myself. The girl – every time that I had a crush on a girl, like, they would go and get a girlfriend – I mean, go and get a boyfriend, sorry. Yeah. And it would tear me up. It would eat me alive. And moving on from freshman year to sophomore year, I did get a boyfriend that you know of. I've already talked to you about this. But he was a very feminine boy, okay? So I liked him. I really did. But not to go into, you know, like, too much detail or anything because, you know, this is a podcast, and this is – people are listening, but I was never satisfied, you know? He would – like, we would kiss. We would make out, whatever, right? But I was – like, I was never satisfied. Yeah. I loved him. That's what you're into. Yeah. I loved him, right? Because you can love someone – like, I love you because you're, like, my brother, right? Yeah. But I'm not into you. So that's kind of – that's how it was. But in the back of my mind – so in the back of my mind, I was like, I don't like this, you know? Yeah. And I remember, like, I would zone out. My therapist says it's disassociating, okay, but I'm calling it zoning out. I would do that. And I would – I would just let it happen, and that was that because, like, that's how it was supposed to be, right? Like, I'm supposed to – I'm supposed to enjoy this. I'm supposed to like guys, and I'm supposed to get married to a guy. So in the middle of our relationship, I had a crush on a girl. She gave me the, like, the craziest butterflies, and I would get really nervous around her, which is not like me because I tend to be a very outgoing person, but I wouldn't talk to her. Like, I couldn't. And I remember one night, I was sitting there, and I was, like – I was just staring at the ceiling, and I was like – I was like, I don't – I don't like this guy. Like, I like this girl. Like, I want – like, I want to touch this girl. I want to kiss this girl. I want to hug this girl. But I was so torn because I kept telling my – I literally had internalized homophobia because I kept telling myself, that's wrong. You can't do that. Like, I thought I was broken. And I just accepted it. You know what I'm saying? Like, I accepted that I am not going to be satisfied, but it's something that I have to do. It is required because I am a girl that I have to like boys. So we ended, and we ended around the time of COVID, right? So I just kept beating myself up, and I was like, why can't I just – why can't I be normal? That's what I kept telling myself. And I – the breaking point for me, because I don't know if you – well, you said that you had always been a doubter, but I never – I never considered myself a – I wouldn't consider myself a doubter. I would just say that I was way too much of a critical thinker, you know, to just mindlessly believe what everyone was telling me. So I had a very specific breaking point where I stopped believing in God. And that breaking point was I was sitting on my bathroom floor, and I – trigger warning – I had done some stuff to myself. And I just remember I was literally on my knees in my bathroom and bleeding. And my – I cried. I literally cried out. And I was like, God, like, please, can you just fix me? Please, I'm begging you. Like, I had never – I had rarely prayed in my life. I had hardly ever spoken directly to God just because I didn't understand how it worked. But I think that that day was just my last attempt. That was your breaking point. Yeah. I was – I just sat there. I begged him to fix me. I begged him to help me. And, you know, when it didn't happen, I just kind of realized I'm God. Like, if I want to be fixed, I got to do it. Like, there's no magical guy in the sky who's going to come down and fix me. You know why? Because I don't need to be fucking fixed. And so I realized – and, you know, I'm saying this as if it happened right then, right? But obviously this happened over a span of a few months after that. But that was, you know, the starting point of the breaking point. And I realized that throughout my life, all of those really, really – they seem like small comments, right, from my grandparents. They seem very small, not very harmful. You know, like, oh, this isn't right. You know, it's not like they're saying slurs. You know, it's not like they're beating me. But hearing all of that, right, and then also you got to think about all of the anxieties that I felt in the past at church, at church camps, right? So the thought of me feeling something, feeling this attraction, and it was wrong in the eyes of the Lord, right? And the anxiety of going to hell. You put all that in a pot, you mix it together, right? That's what caused my internalized homophobia. That's what caused me to hate myself. That's what caused me to self-harm, you know? So flash forward to today, I don't believe in God. You know, some gay people, they do believe in God, right? Or like people have religious trauma and they still believe in God, but there's no way that I can believe in a God because there was no God that picked me up off of my feet when I was on the bathroom floor. I picked myself up off of my feet, right? Like I fixed me. I stopped being sad. And I know that you have told me before that you don't hate, you know, like people who like are Christians, right? And they aren't like bigots, you know what I'm saying? Because religion does give people peace. So I think you said that. You can correct me if I'm wrong. No, I did say that. Basically, like my stance on religion is it's fine if you're religious. Like I think that religion is a very, very easy way to, you know, form like an ethical and a moral background. It's a very, very easy way of doing it. That's like how the majority of people do it, right? Yeah. I think it's very, very useful for people who are like lonely because I think it gives them like a good like kind of like meeting place. It gives them like a sense of purpose, which I think is like really important sometimes for people. But like overall, I don't think it's real. You know what I mean? Yeah. I feel like it has benefits if, you know, you want to believe that. But I feel like overall it's like a net negative. You know what I mean? Yes. So I, this is, I realize that on my part this is bad. I realize that this is very narrow of me. But I can't stand Christians. I can't stand Christianity as a whole. And I've said this to you before because we've had this conversation before. But I hate Christianity as much as they made me hate myself. It's like I spent at least, at least seven years battling and having an internal battle, right, because of everything that, like everything that this religion, you know, put into my life. I spent so much of my life being depressed. I spent so much of my life being anxious because of this religion. And, you know, you're obviously, you know, you are the better person here. And I'm acknowledging that this is bad. I mean, but it's true. It's how I feel. You know, I literally cannot stand them because of everything that their religion and their group of people has put me through, whether it was directly or indirectly. And, yeah, I should probably work on this in, like, therapy or something. But as of right now, this is where I stand. I mean, I feel like I'm a little bit older than Reagan. I used to feel very similar to, like, the way you felt. You know what I mean? I was totally, like, shut off to it. You know what I mean? Like, I'll never be, like, religious. Like, I can tell you that now. I will never be, like, religious. I can see that it has benefits, like I said before. Like, it does have its benefits, but, like, it's overall, like, a net negative whenever you start affecting other people to the degrees of what, like, you've been affected. You know what I mean? Whenever you, like, I want to get into this later, but, like, whenever you start making, like, laws and stuff, based off of, like, your religion, whenever, you know, we live in the United States. We're very privileged to live in the United States where we have, like, freedom of religion, right? Whenever you're making fucking laws that are predominantly, like, Christian ideals, example, like, abortion stuff, I mean, there's, like, religions that allow abortion, but because your religion, you know, that you believe in tells you that abortion is wrong, you just blanket ban it. There's so many people in this country who, you know, are, you know, Jewish, Catholic, you know, like, they're Muslim. They have, like, different, you know, religions. Not all of them think that it's bad, so it's, like, blanket banning this shit is just so stupid. Yeah. And you do have, like, you have, like, five to six years of age on me, so you're definitely a lot more wiser, and you've probably processed a lot more of your trauma than I have. I mean, you can imagine how pissed I was, like, whenever, you know, my relationship was so strained because of religion. I fucking hated it, dude. Like, probably not to the degree that you did. Like, I never, like, self-harmed because of it. I mean, like, not that, like, directly, but, like, I mean, I was fucking pissed, dude. Yeah. Like, I was engaged to this girl, you know what I mean? Like, and that relationship ended, and a lot of the stress and, like, a lot of the struggle from it was because, like, you know, my mom was, like, fucking religious and just hated her guts. It was trying to force, like, her Christian, you know, ideals on the relationship, and it was just like, what the fuck? It was so shitty. So I fucking hated it for, like, a period of time, but I feel like as you, like you said, as you, like, realize that not all people are bad, some people just, like, want the community, some people just want something to believe in because they've, you know, tried the not believing thing, and it hasn't gotten them anywhere. Sometimes you just have to, like, put your, like, blind faith into something is, like, what I've heard. You know what I mean? Mm-hmm. So, like, instead of, you know, like, hoping that the doctors are going to do something, if it's, like, you know, like a one in a million shot, you just, like, pray to God, like, yo, dude, help me out here. You know, like, my loved one's in the hospital. You know what I mean? Yeah. I know that it gives people a lot of peace. Yeah. But, yeah. That's just me as of right now. Yeah. But, like, one thing that I had noticed, like, throughout your story is, like, kind of, like, a theme of, you know, just kind of conforming because you, like, had to. I forgot to bring it up during, like, my kind of upbringing, but I don't know if you remember watching this movie or whenever this movie came out, but do you remember, like, whenever The Passion of the Christ came out with, like, Mel Gibson and shit? No. Dude, like. Do you remember that shit? This is so embarrassing. The only reason I know that title is because of self-imposed. Based. That's fucking awesome. That's the only reason. That's wild. That I reckon. Okay. Because I remember Eric Cartman making fun of me. Dude, it was insane. Like, Mel Gibson, like, was, I'm pretty sure he was either directed or he was fucking Jesus, dude. I don't, it was one of them. But, like, it was insane. It was insane. So, like, this movie came out, it was, like, in theaters, you know, everyone, all these Christian motherfuckers were just like, you have to see it, bro. Like, you know, if, I remember my grandfather, who's, like, pretty religious too, he was like, if you don't cry during this movie, like, you're going to hell. And that, like, stuck with me, dude. So, like, during, like, I didn't get to see it in theaters, but my mom got it on DVD and she made me sit down and, like, watch it. And I remember, like, sitting down, like, in the living room and it's, like, getting to the part, like, where Jesus is, like, getting crucified and shit. And she starts, like, crying, dude. And because, like, I remember, because, like, I remember my dad saying, like, I was, like, also, like, very nervous about going to hell, just like you were. But because I remembered, like, my grandfather saying, like, if you didn't cry during this movie, like, you're going to hell. Oh, my God. This is, this is literally so cringe. Did you make yourself cry, Eric? Shut the fuck up, dude. Okay, okay, okay, listen. So, I was literally in my living room. My mom's, like, sobbing, dude. She's, like, it's just so powerful. And, dude, I started, like, crying, too, bro. I literally started crying, okay? I just want to know how you had the power. Dude, I deserved a fucking Academy Award, okay? I put on a Leo DiCaprio-level performance, honestly. So, I started crying, right? And my mom was, like, what's wrong? I was, like, it's just so sad what they did to Jesus. Dude, it was so fucked, dude. It was literally so fucked. But I literally just did it because, like, I remember my grandfather saying, like, if you don't cry during this, like, you don't have a soul. Like, you're going to hell. Well, that's fucking crazy, Eric. Yeah, but, yeah. That's fucking crazy. I told you, bro. Like, it's that theme that you brought up of, like, needing to conform to, like, kind of fit, like, the Christian norm. Yeah. You feel like you need to uphold. Yes. Yeah, dude. It was insane. I feel like this is a good note to end on. So, this was just part one, guys. There's going to be a part two. And in the part two, we're not going to talk about, like, you know, our lore. We're not going to talk about, like, our drama. It's a fucking B&B character sheet. Yeah, bro. Anxiety plus nine. Anyway, so, this was the part one where we just tell, like, our backstories with Christianity so that you guys can sort of get an understanding as to where we personally are coming from in this next episode and, hell, even future episodes, even the past episodes. You know what I'm saying? It's going to be a fucking trilogy. Yeah. But it's, like, I feel like it's very, very helpful to know where someone comes from and their past experiences in order to understand what they're seeing. So, that's why I wanted to do this in, like, a two-parter. So, go ahead and check out the next episode and check out the previous episodes if you haven't. If you guys have anything that you want to say about the podcast, ask any questions, just DM on Instagram, Ritz Plays Things. It's my Twitch slash podcast Instagram. So, I'll see you guys in the next episode. All right. See you guys.