EM_ep1

The speaker reflects on the difficulty of asking for help and the conditioning to handle everything on their own. They discuss the concept of support and how it can be hard to define what they actually need. The idea of creating a list of needs for times when they are unable to articulate them is suggested. The importance of communicating needs and accepting support is emphasized. The speaker also shares personal experiences and examples of ways support can be offered in various situations. Let's record it. I have no idea. That was loud. Shush out. Do I have to say OK to be recorded? Yeah, I think so. OK. OK. I said OK, and I clicked OK. OK. Consent is given. That's fine. All hail stair one clarity. It's fine. We don't know what we're doing. So this could be terrible, or it could be great. It's going to be great. It's going to be great. It's going to be magic. It's going to be great. Magical. It's the experience we're looking for. Exactly. We have no idea what we're doing. Watch the magic happen. Best experience ever. You know what? It's more for the ride, I swear. Never replicated, never duplicated. Exactly. Always a new experience. Could not be planned. Oh my gosh. That's fantastic. I love it. So I'm having a thought this morning. Been trying out this write three pages in the morning, just like whatever is on your mind. Trying to, I don't know, unearth thoughts I have, I guess. And you know, sleeping phoenix. So I go through these very low lows and high highs. And I would say I'm in a low right now. Doc's got my tour in quarantine, the whole thing, right? We're doing OK, though. But as I thought about my low and how I'm getting out of it, I have a friend who always says something very beautiful to me when I share a difficult situation. And she says, how can I support you? And I always think that's the kindest thing that someone can say in that situation. It's so beautiful when she says that to me. But I realize that I always say, I don't need any support. And I don't think that's always true. And as I thought about it more, I think it's really just the conditioning of being unable to ask for help. Like, I have to do everything myself. I couldn't possibly lean on someone else for support, right? And it got me thinking about support and what support means to people in different times in their life. And I'm curious if you've experienced this or what you think about even just asking for help. It's an interesting question. And I know when you posed it earlier today and I thought about it, I'm like, why is it so hard to ask for help? Like, it's like, nope, I'll just handle it on my own. I'll do it myself. I don't need any support. I don't need any help. I don't need anything. But in reality, I also think of actions on supporting what I've done to support other people. But it always seems like I can give examples of what I've done to support other people. And like, catastrophic type things. Oh, you lost your house. Your house burned down. Here, let me pack up a bag of clothes and some stuff and a gift card. Or you're going through cancer treatments and cooking food and all that stuff is really hard for you. Let me make you a home-cooked meal. Or somebody put the meal train out there. But like, I don't know. It always seems like what I have going on isn't catastrophic enough to ask for help or even put that out there. So it's kind of an interesting twist on it, right? Like, because, well, my life isn't that bad. It could always be worse. But at the same time, what's worst for you, or what is low for you, could really be the worst it's going to get. And you don't know that. And I don't know that. But it is curious, because it's like asking for help is a hard thing. So then I was trying to think of like, if I were to think of it from a perspective, because like, when it's catastrophic, it becomes like an act of kindness to help somebody through a difficult time. And if somebody were to ask me, like, what's your favorite kind of act of kindness to happen? Like, if they just happen to notice you not in a good place, would I like that or be more receptive to that type of gesture versus like? It doesn't seem like support or help, kind of. Right, but like, I think about all of the stuff that you've been going through, right? Like, Evie having mites and having to give her bath, not having anybody else physically in your home to help you with that, but also cooking all your own meals and cooking all of Evie's meals, because you feed her raw food and like, there's a prep process that goes into it. Like, so it's like, I see you, I hear you, and I'm like, paralyzed. I'm like, well, what is like? So then I started thinking, I'm like, is there like a Amazon wishlist of like, when I'm not having a great time, these are the things that would help pick me up or like, here's my favorite tea, here's my favorite chocolate, here's my favorite place to get a book or an audio or like, you know what I mean? Like, something like a genuine, thoughtful thing that could just help provide comfort in a moment where things are just not real comfortable or great, or does that kind of like, just burn harder because like, ah, like, I can't help you, so I'm just gonna Venmo you some money. You know what I mean? It could be, it could come across like, really like, fucks to be you, here you go. Right, good luck. Which is not the intent either. I mean, it's not the intent, but like, sometimes when you're in that really low, low, and you like, even sometimes you can witness an act of kindness and feel like, ugh, I really could have used X instead, you know? Like, you just don't feel it at a high-frequency place. Right, right, because like, we felt like, thanks for this, I really wish it would have been for that instead, but like, I mean, because you have something, but like, is support actually being able to articulate what your needs are? Do you know what I mean? Because like, in a sense, you need something that would be helpful to you, or I would need something that would be helpful to me, but like, that's also a hard one to define. Yeah, and honestly, thinking back on when she asked me, she is wonderful, and she even like, gave some particular gestures, right? One of them was like, do you need me to like, pick you up groceries and drop them off or something? And like, even in that moment, like, yeah, I needed groceries, right, like, but like, my brain capacity even couldn't handle like, how do I even, what would I communicate in that, you know, instance of like, yeah, I need groceries, like, and I probably would have only picked, you know, a very staple, like, if I was specifically out of something, like laundry detergent at that point, because I had to do laundry 100 times a day. Um, but I, looking back on that situation, yes, I needed support. I had no idea how to articulate it. I had no idea, and I think I'm just generally at a loss when it comes to what I need. Do you think that if you were to like, even formulate some type of list of like, I mean, cause you just said like, groceries would be good, and you would have only gotten the bare minimum, but you also could have said, you know what? Oh my God, that would be amazing. I could submit an order if you could pick it up and just bring it to my house, cause then, like, you're not asking her to pay for it. I realized that she would have, she probably would have happily done all of that. And like, she would have went in there and power shops and got you all of the things on your list and maybe a few extra things that she thought would have paired well with whatever it is. But like, even just like, not to have to leave the house to go to pick up, do a grocery pickup. Like, hey, I can't. If you could do a grocery pickup for me, that would really like, tremendously help me out. And like, yep, yep, like bolt and leave. And I will, like, I'll pay you back for it at some point in time. I feel like I, at least, have been so conditioned to not even pay attention to my needs and what I, not be able to articulate that to other people. Like, why is it so hard for me? I don't think it's just you. I think it's like kind of a pre-programming thing on things. But I think if you, when you're in a better space, you can talk about it, right? Like, I don't articulate my needs well, but I can actually come up with maybe what some of my needs are. So that, like, and have them on a list somewhere that in the event that something does happen, you end up at another low, you can refer back to your list and maybe make sure that he knows you have the list. Like, next time you ask me, remind me I have a list. Or you send it to her and you could say, like, these would be the great things that are needed, but I probably won't say that I need. But if you were to, like, drop hints and say, do you need this? Do you need that? Like, just to, like a checklist almost for her to just. Breaking case of emergency. Well, in a sense, like, or it might actually inspire or trigger something else to come out of your mouth that you'd be like, oh my gosh, you said that. I don't need that, but I could really use this. Like, this would really help me tremendously right now. I don't know. I think it's important to, like, have a running list. And I realize that you can't plan for every event, right? But even just a reminder that, like, what are some of your basic needs? Like, in a moment where you are unable to do something on your own, what are things that you could ask someone who volunteers? And I'm not saying to, like, push it on people necessarily, but just, like, yeah, I don't have to always be the. Now, I had a situation, right? Where I was trying to, like, contain our problem. Contact, yep. But very COVID times, right, too, right? When you think about how things played out during the pandemic, it was also, right? I can drop groceries off on your doorstep, meals, whatever. Right, like, or deliver you a meal, yeah, deliver you a meal, or even, like, I know there's a pizza place you really like, I'm gonna send you some money so you can order your favorite pizza, because, like, it sounds like that might be helpful in this moment in time, or, you know, like, there are things people can do. I mean, and even, I mean, an Amazon order. I mean, I know you don't always get Amazon orders, I know you don't always get Amazon orders as quickly as what the rest of us do, but, I mean, let's see what happens when you have. I don't have easy access to Amazon. Late life. So I'm actually really curious about the idea of creating a list. This is, you know, sparking some things in me. So we talked about doing a little Post-it Note exercise. Would you like to see how it goes? Well, why not? Let's see, I'm gonna try to share here. Hopefully people can, oh, look, there's my hello friend. Okay. And, let's see if I can kind of move things around. Okay, so the question here is, what does support look like to you? And, is it easier if I type? You can type, I can type, whatever. Whatever's easier for you. Okay. I think. I'm like, I'm technology challenged slightly because, you know, I am on my Chromebook and things don't always work the way that I think that they should. So, what is a thing for you that would be supportive in a time of need? And that's a really broad category, too, right? Because it could be anything. It could be anything. The first things that came to mind, because I did do like a little automatic writing. So like, the first few things I had, like space, time, like right, because sometimes when you're going through something not great, like you also just need some time and some space to not be like hounded. Like, are you okay? What can I do? Like, not have somebody badgering you, but like also to really just embrace and feel what you're feeling. Like, it's okay to not be okay and just sometimes you need some space and time. It's a whole nother lesson, right? It's okay to not be okay. Yeah, that is a whole nother lesson. I also. I'm trying to make the time on the same post-it now. What? I put space and time on the same post-it note. I think that's fine. Because I think they're kind of. They're kind of one in the same, right? They're kind of one in the same, yep. Judgment free. Right, because like, you're in a low spot. You're already probably judging yourself harder and being extra critical on things than what it is. So like, you almost need something like, I don't know. I don't even know if there's like a phrase. Like, there might even be a phrase that would be helpful. Like, hey, I see you're not in a great place. Just know that I can be a safe space for you and it'll be judgment free. So just let me know what you need or when you need it. And I think like, you know, when you said like almost like a word that you could say, what I thought of is like, my head is reeling. I think I say that a bit to you where I'm like, my head is just reeling. Like, there's so much on my mind. And when I think about it and like, I always have a judgment free zone with you. So like, it's not as big of a worry to me, but that would be my like phrase to be like, listen, I am about to unload something that is gonna shock and horrify like the regular person, but I need you just to hear me out and let me just unleash that, right? Well, listen to listen. I mean, that keeps coming up. That's another lesson in itself, right? Like, listen, but also, I mean, that's also another way of providing support, right? Like, I can listen to you and say, do you want me to just listen or do you want me to offer suggestions? Because like, there are times and places where some suggestions is helpful and there are times in place where you're just not in the head space to receive those, so. What else does support look like? I mean, love. Always. I think, right, you're so good about like just giving the love. I don't know if you're always like feeling it the same way you give it, you being the little vessel of love here. I mean, to remember, we had like a conversation, like it feels like it was forever ago, but in reality, it was probably only a few months ago, like on just like, what does love mean to you? Yeah. That's a whole nother conversation, right? Like, you also can give love in different ways that aren't ways that you receive it either. Yeah, that's right. Like you can amplify it for somebody else in a different way than like the way that they need it, whereas like the way I need it might be just something different, so. Both are okay. What I really liked is I feel like there's also a place for like being able to like say, hey, time out. You're acting out of a place of fear versus a place of love. Like sometimes you need somebody to be able to put you in check in a supportive way, not necessarily being like, listen, bitch, you're all fucked up and you're wrong, but like also like, I think there's a different way we can do it. Also like, I think there's a different way we can look at this. Like, is that the love-based place or is that a fear-based place? Because I think whether or not you have a response or a reaction to it immediately, it just plants a different seed and like sets your thoughts going in a different direction. Yeah. Although sometimes when I'm coming from a fear-based place, I'm not ready to hear that. It's true. That's what I said. It's like a, sometimes it's a, it's understanding when you should ask that versus not or letting it, let it go and maybe come back to it in a different place and ask the question, but you eventually get there. Yeah. Sometimes it just takes me a little while. You get there, you're like, I'm not acting out of a love-based place. This is out of a fear-based place. What the hell's wrong with me? I mean, is it really wrong to act from that? Like, we've all been conditioned to do that for like our entire lives. So, I mean. Like, I think for me, right, I can tell if something's off, which should be my first clue, but I can't always get the words out, right? Why does this feel like, right? My fear is screaming in my head, like, act this way, do this thing, say this thing. And I'm like, I just don't think that's like, right. It just takes me longer though to like, oh, hey, that's a fear. Because the opposite of that fear is a terrifying love, right? Because we're not programmed to. Terrifying. A terrifying love. Like a love you should be afraid of. No, not the love. Please don't love me too much. A whole nother topic, right? We're not taught to love. It's true, we're not. But it also, right, like it changes your perspective on stuff. So like, yep, it might take you a little bit longer right now, but in, I don't know, six months, I bet you that answer is very different. Exactly. We'll see. We'll test it. I am not testing it with mites, just as an FYI. Oh, that doesn't sound like a good time to you all of a sudden. Oh, man. What else you got? What else looks like support to you? Like, it also made me think about like, why do we say no when things would be easier? Oh, good gravy. If we could answer that question. This is me at the grocery store, unwilling to ask the associate for help, who has literally just come up to me and said, do you need help finding anything? And I said, no, I'm fine. And then we'll proceed to spend the next hour scouring the shelves for the thing I'm looking for, because I will not ask for help. Like, why? Yeah, I said, if somebody walks up to me and says that, and I'm in the grocery store looking for something, I'd be like, I'm looking for this. And then they'll be like, trying to ask, like, quickly escape me. And I'll be like, and now that I have this, here's the other thing on my list. Can you just take me on a tour? It's been extremely helpful. Now that I know you can prove your worth on being helpful, I'm gonna just like, use that to my advantage. Be like my own personal shopper. Hello, thank you. A lot of people do grocery pickups, Pam. Sometimes, sometimes, I don't know. I mean, I also did a Target pickup today. I time traveled, so that was fun. So do you often say no, grocery store example aside, because clearly you're willing to ask for help there. But do you often find yourself saying no when a yes could be easier? I do. Like, I think about, like, in situations at work, or if I think about, like, I don't know, there are situations in life where it's like, no, I got it, I'm good. Okay. I'm mainly asking, I have the channel of struggle, and you do not, so I was curious if, like, I'm more prone to that. I think it's a conditioned thing for me. Like, I think I'm programmed to do that because, like, my, I mean, my mother was strong-willed and independent. Like, and so, to get her to do something, all you had to do was tell her that she couldn't do it, and then she'd figure out how to do it. She made my sister's prom dress in, like, three days because my grandmother told her she could not do it. Hi, guys! And then she singed it with an iron, melted it, had to run to the store, get new fabric, and she made the whole thing over again in less than $12. If she doesn't have the channel of struggle, I'd be shocked. So it was just like, I mean, there's, I mean, I would've wore it with the singed iron in it because that's who I am. My sister would've, like, no way in hell, yep. Spent all kinds of money at the prom store getting a new dress, but that's a whole different conversation. My other thing was, like, that, I also, we already kind of touched base on this, like, gift card, Venmo, surprise, like, just order something to, like, make it easier so you don't have to cook, something like that. Like, some type of care package, which then made me thinking, like, like, in your situation, like, an Amazon wishlist would've been helpful, right? Right. Like, I mean, you need a bunch of cleaning supplies, a bunch of laundry supplies. I mean, you also took EVN, you're not feeding her enough, so you needed more money for dog food and treats. And, I mean, you just, like, when it rains, it pours sometimes, and it's just kind of like, and here's another 100 bucks and another 100 bucks here and another 100 bucks here, and this one's 200. Like, it just kind of, like, adds up and hits you all at once. So, like, but sometimes, like, a little care package of, like, hey, I see you. I feel you, I see you, I hear you, like. Even something, right, just to be like, hey, I know you're going through a hard time. And I think, you know, we talked earlier about, like, oh, sucks to be you kind of, you know, pushing something off and, like, the person receiving it poorly, I guess. But, like, the reality is, I think it would take a special kind of person to really, like, get salty if you send them a pizza instead of a cleaning supply that they could have used, right? Like, it would take a special kind of person to get a little salty about that. It's true, but, like, you could still have the thoughts that go through your head. You might not articulate those as thoughts, but, like. In the thick of something, just, like, five loads of laundry a day, and you're, like. And here's some flowers. Let me just, like, make that smell a little better for you or something. I don't know. I mean, we've all been in a place where we've received a gift. That was super, super thoughtful and great where we thought, shit, I don't fucking want this. What the hell is this? Like, I will never forget. I got one year for Christmas. I needed new tires for my car. Tires are not a Christmas gift to get from a significant other. Like, no deal breaker for me. Like, crush my heart, break my soul. Do not buy me new tires for Christmas or my birthday. Like, those are not Christmas or birthday presents. That's a because you love me kind of present, great. But please don't make that my birthday or Christmas present. If you really want a kid. For you, being right there, born around Christmas. Oh, gosh. It's a combined birthday Christmas present. Oh, yeah, and if you make it a combined birthday Christmas present, I mean, it's like, you're just, like, making your own grave, but yeah. Tires, got me tires. Like, I was so angry, so angry, right? I needed the fucking tires. My tires were bald. It was, like, a hazard for me to be driving on the tires I had. And I was so pissed. This is what you got me? You got me fucking tires? Like, I remember saying it and, like, the look I had on my face and everything and, like, crushed them, right? Because how would you not be crushed on? Like, you thought you were doing a really great thing and tires are fucking expensive. And here I am. Here I am, just the bitchiest bitch. Like, you did what? You took my car and you put new tires on it and that's my gift? This is bullshit. Give me a real gift, like a plant. God, right? Oh, how about a rock? Can you give me a rock? I'd like a new crystal. Don't give me tires. Do you know how many crystals I could have bought on tires? Like, but, like, looking back at it now, it's like, man, that was like, as you get older, it's like, I would really like somebody to buy me tires for my vehicle. Well, that's the whole vehicle of it, too, right? Yeah. Take it in. You got to schedule that stuff apparently. Oh, my God. Yes. Right? It's fucking weird. Oh, fuck. All of the things that were like super thoughtful and went in it, like, I just totally negated every single one of them. But like, in reality, it was a beautiful gift. Right. It was something I really needed, I would never ask for, because who wants to ask for tires? Like, that's boring. I don't want to ask for that, but that also gets me into the thinking of like, we don't ever ask for what we really need. Well, we don't. So it's like, that's where I'm like, well, I don't know, maybe a list of things of like grocery items or gift cards to your favorite places where you do order your groceries from or your favorite place that you shop, where you pick up stuff or your places that do deliver near you, because you are in the middle of nowhere and your options are a little bit more limited. But like, not everybody knows those places. Yeah. That's true, too. That's true, too. I live in a very different place than most of the people I know, right? I'm in the middle of nowhere, like I have like three different towns around me, but I don't properly live in any of them. And there is one place that delivers food to my house, right, one pizza place. Thank God they have delicious pizza. It's delicious. But I don't know the pizza place name. I've had pizza from there, but I don't know the name of it. Exactly. So, right, but even somebody would have to know, right, that little piece to be able to send me something, right, to send somebody. And I think that I have been doing this for a while is just like saving people's addresses. So that way, if like some reason, right, like I sent you a birthday gift, right, I snagged your address from somewhere. And I was like, okay, something's coming for you, right? But to be able to just do that, too, in a meeting, right, you live several hours from me, so I knew I wasn't gonna see you for your birthday, but I still had this idea of something I wanted to send you. And, you know, yeah, it takes away from like some of it, the interaction in person and seeing, you know, but with technology today, I think at least you and I, we've made it. Yeah, we made it, we made it work. Like we made it work, right? Cause I'm like, well, I have to open this with you on the camera or like in a Marco or some form so like you can see my reaction on it. But like, it was a fun surprise, right? Like, cause we don't get surprises from other people very often, like in the mail. It's a good lesson, too, of just like, the people that you care deeply about, right? To find opportunities to, right, take notes, keep track of like their address, like things that they get regularly, favorite restaurants that they have food delivered from, things like that, to just be able to say, you know, so-and-so's having a hard time. And I think that it would be really great if her favorite incense showed up on her door, right? And just to be able to like have a little bit of joy that that brings them. Right? Like, it totally is. It makes me wanna like create a list of like secret stanza, but like a magic sprinkle, I call it. But like, well, right? Like kind of like a way to sprinkle in some happiness for some of your friends that you know, like- Not sprinkle, sparkle, magic sparkle. Okay, okay, okay. Sparkle, sprinkle, whatever we wanna, like it is sparkle, you're right, sparkle. But right, like what's your favorite tea place? Like what's your favorite beverage that you like to drink that provides you comfort? What's your favorite kind of meal that provides you comfort? Because that might not be the pizza place that delivers or it absolutely might be the pizza place that delivers. Right. Are you a coffee delivery? Is there a place that could just drop off a delicious coffee for you in the morning? Maybe a little egg Sammy? You and your egg Sammies. But also like, do you need soup? What's your favorite kind of soup? Like if you're, I'm gonna do a porch drop because you're like not feeling great and I don't wanna get contaminated. Like what's your favorite kind of soup? Well, and I think the other piece of this, and I know I'm guilty of this, maybe others are too, is I get like a little idea of like, oh, I could do that. But then I always feel like I either need to ask them, do you prefer this or that? Or, you know, do you even like that flavor kind of thing? And then I feel like it ruins it. And I think that's my own mental block of like, they still don't know when it's gonna show up. They, you know, they might not even be thinking like, why are you asking that? They might just answer, right? And just be like, oh, random question, okay. So I think that's my own mental block that I need to get over is just being more willing to say, hey, do you like X, Y, and Z? And then sending it to them. Or not even asking that, like just sending it. That's fair. Because like, even if you were to just send it, how many times would they be like, not really what I liked? Like, I think the gesture in itself would be so caught up in like what you're doing that it isn't, like, I don't know. My own mental block again, right? Like, this is my like, they have to like it. But I think that the liking it is- More about the act. There's more about the receiving of it versus not. I mean, you know me, like, I like to have surprises for everybody at all things. And like, a lot of the surprises I give aren't really something all people like. Mostly, because here's a spoiler alert, I give a lot of rocks out. A lot of rocks and crystals. Which not everybody likes them, right? Like, not everybody loves them in the same sense that I do. You just don't speak to everyone like they speak to you. That's fair. But like, I mean, I remember I had a friend that was at her house and I'd given her a lot of rocks. She gave me a whole little bag of them back. Like, I think you need to like, you know, I have some, I'm good. Why don't you spread the happiness with other people? The house is full of rocks. Like, I'm not gonna throw them away because I know you've spent good money on them. But like, I don't keep this kind of stuff in my house. So like, why don't you pay it forward in a different direction? And it's possible that, right? It did its job, was just there. And like, without even knowing it, maybe it was just time to pass it on. She didn't need it. Yep, wholeheartedly. Like, I wasn't, I just like, happily, I'm like, oh good, I have like a whole supply of stuff I can hand out to people now. It also slowed me up on playing my role in handing rocks out because I realized how excessive, how many I actually provided. So I mean, there's life lessons in all things, right? I mean. I don't know. Is there any? Other things that look like support to you? Anything else come to mind, right? I think about like, basic needs. But I really like this like, active kindness category where it's just like, a little something. It doesn't even have to be a lot, too. I mean. Not even gonna lie, like, a Venmo or a PayPal, like, a little donation. Okay, I know you're like, needing money right now. Well like, hey, it sounds like you could get a cup of coffee or something, so here's five bucks. Or, here's 10 bucks, can you get a coffee and an egg, Sammy, from your favorite little place? Like, you can put the cute little notes in your Venmo or your PayPal that just, or even just Apple Pay it if you have that. Like, whatever your send money form is, like, do that. Like, but why not? I think that's beautiful. Like, just like, a little reminder that like, you can do these things for people. And like, you can ask for these things, too, right? Yeah, like, and basic needs. Like, just basic needs. Like, I need, shit, I need tampons and cleaning supplies. Can you help me out? I think it's. I mean, your needs are still needs, so. Right, but we're just so, I don't know. Like I said, it could just be me. I suspect it's not. It's not, I'm telling you it's not. Like, because, I mean, I thought about this, and it's like, well, sometimes it's just like, what is it that I need? And then I'm like, why is answering that so hard? Like, I know what I need, but I'm not gonna articulate it to you, because like, it's my need, and I don't need you to worry about what I'm worrying about. Like, but sometimes just sharing the burden or allowing somebody else to help share that burden is helpful, right? Yeah, and I think for me, this particular situation I'm talking about, right? I had two very distinct phases. I had the, my head is reeling, and I don't think I could have articulated what I actually needed in that moment. But even if I say that to someone, then that puts you in the, you need space and time, you need the judgment for your phone, you need the love, you need like, the check on is it fear or love that's driving you, right? And then I went into, this is my list of all the things that I have to do and I have to need. And while maybe I wasn't ready to be like, I just would love if someone dropped off some laundry detergent on my front door, right? And even a reminder for the listener to like hone in on some of those clues and be like, okay, she's really stressed about laundry. So like, what could I possibly do to help that, right? But also like, right? Like having a list of something like an Amazon wishlist or Amazon, like frequent buy stuff. Like most people don't know, I have no idea what your favorite laundry detergent is. Like I do know because of EV sensitivities and how sensitive her skin is and that, that you have something that's like chemical free or dye free or fragrant free. I don't even know what free it is. It's just water in the jug, I'm pretty sure. But like, Jeremy, sometimes like, it's a very specific kind of laundry soap. So somebody can't just drop off like loads of laundry soap because like in that instance, right? Like in that instance, that's where it's like, I think you just have to be like, hey, I wanna do this for you. What kind of whatever should I get? Right, in those instances, it's okay to ask. But in other instances, I know they like this kind of food. Should I get beef or chicken? Just, yeah, go with your gut. Roll with it. True too, right? Because for the most part, even if it's not their preference, they probably would like whatever you chose because you thought of them when you picked it out. So, I mean, and some of even, even some of the vegetarian friends might surprise you and eat meat when they don't normally. In dire times. Like, well, I guess I'm gonna try it now. Don't want it to go to waste, so. Love this. Yeah. I do, like, I think we need a sparkle list. Sparkle list, I like calling it that. Because like, just kind of like, I mean, and I'm thinking kind of like, you know how we've all done like secret Santa type things where like you write your name and like it asks, I don't know, five or 10 questions that like, what's your favorite kind of candy? What's your favorite kind of snack? Your favorite kind of drink? Yeah. I've never done a secret Santa. You've never done a secret Santa? Oh my gosh. Well, there's usually some questions. There's usually some questions because a lot of times it's like a group of people you don't know. Okay. Like. Like a muggle job. Like a muggle job. And so like, depending on if it's your team, the department, the whole office kind of thing. So like, you end up with maybe a few people or not. So it just depends on how you set it up. I personally like the secret Santa ones where like, you can only spend like $5.27 and you have to spend it to a specific penny and it needs to be like red and green and see what people come up with. Like, those are the type of secret Santa ones that I like to participate in. But if I, but I have participated in other ones where it's like, you have this like, essentially you're helping people come up with little prizes that they can drop off randomly a few weeks before Christmas. And then when Christmas comes, you get a little bit of a nicer gift from something on there. Like a gift card for a bigger gift card for something else. But like, it just gives some different opportunities and gives people to think a little bit differently about the person and kind of get to know the person that they're getting something for in a different way. So, I mean, I'm more like the random, the randomness of things because, you know, sometimes you need a random Santa that fights, a random Santa that throws his punches at the pen. It's like one of the best, it's like one of the best, it was one of the best secret Santa. I do like the idea of a sparkle list, right? Just a little list to keep with like, the people who mean the most in your life. So when you have, when you notice someone like going through it, or even just randomly, you haven't talked to them in a while or something, right? Right, like you could- Do this little thing that gives them a little sparkle in their day. Like something to boost an inspired action. Like it just would be, I also bet it would be contagious to do that. Yeah. Because if you did that, I bet you would get paid for it like 10 fold. Yeah. Not even necessarily back to you, but I bet you that they would feel inspired to do it for somebody else in a different way because they remembered how great it felt in that instance for them. I love that. You're gonna have to add that into your content on your website. I know, it's a- A sparkle list. Sparkle list. A sparkle list that, you know, with some heated questions and everybody can kind of customize the questions to whatever they would like. But I mean, like you come up with like 10 or 15 of them probably without thinking much and- That's true too. You could do it as a questionnaire and just send it out to people. Like people you know, right? Hey, tell me these five things about yourself. Doing some research. Always researching. Researching for figuring out the best snacks to bring for the next girls weekend or the best, you know, like researching for like what the soda choices or, you know, mixed drink choices are for. You get to, you guys bring the mixers. What the hell are we gonna get? You get- You can. Simplify it. You don't have to get one of everything. Like let's just make it basic, but give you some options. And you'd see that 90% of the people drink seltzer and you don't have to like really go all the way out into like 85 different juices and 45 different sodas and- Oh man, so much to style. I like it. Sparkle list. We need a sparkle list. Boost that. Exactly. Well, we like literally talked for almost a whole hour on that topic. I know, right? It was like beautiful. It was a good topic to just get out there. And it like, I had no idea we were gonna end with sparkle list. It wasn't even on my inspired list that I did my automatic writing, but like I did have Amazon wishlist. Like, so there was a little bit of a seed there and then I'm like, maybe we need like a magic list. What I call it a sprinkle. Because you could then sprinkle in or sparkle it. Like sprinkling in seems like easier to do than sparkling, but like it would be a sparkle. It's definitely a sparkle. Sparkle on someone's day. Stony sparkles. Stony sparkles. Oh man. I like that. I like that a lot. Sparkle list. Because I mean like, even like as you do like different kinds of retreats or girls weekends or gatherings, I mean like, I think there was one girls weekend where we found out that everybody really loved take five bars. For those take five candies. Wasn't that, or was that a different time? Because wasn't that what you guys bought when you went on adventures? Yes, that was what JP and I bought when we went on an adventure for Jackfest. Like when the power went out? Yes, yes, when the power went out. But it was like, we were very particular. We're like, we don't need any candy. And then we like walked past them, like we need take five. And so I only bought one bag because they weren't on sale. We bought, I think we bought two bags or something, but we only got one take five bag because they weren't on sale and the other ones were on sale. And like, we need chocolate. And JP is like, we're sticking to the list, McKee, we need to stick to the list. And then like, she's like, oh, but I like take five bars. And I'm like, okay, so we like, I got approved because both her and I are like, okay. I'm like, well, I have the list in my hand. I can just simply, I did say that to her because you know, it's me and like, here's your list and here's the list. Look, it's been updated, surprise. So yeah, we had that. But like the amount of people that would came and stole those like take fives. And that was like, no, you already had six of them. You're done, you're cut off on how many more you can have. There was only one bag. People are filling their pockets up with them. Although I think those were the peanut M&M's. Like, I don't know, like it just, sometimes you just need extra little chocolates or little sweet treats to just kind of, but like when it's your, like one of your favorite candies, like that's like amazing. Yeah. It's like, ooh, it's been years since I had a take five bar. So the fact that I had them in little snack size ones that we could like then have, and quite honestly, a bag doesn't last very long when there's like a dozen of us. Like see, we should have got three of those bags. Okay, like favorite candy or treat should definitely be on the list. Oh, for sure. Your favorite beverage? I mean, you could do favorite beverage, but I mean like you could even get specific, like you have a favorite coffee or a favorite tea or like what is your favorite beverage? I mean, cause mine might change on the day. What's your favorite kind of wine? What's your, if you were to splurge and get a good bottle of wine, what would it be? And does it matter if it's summer or winter? It does matter. Like, but I mean, like these are kind of like ways to like get a little bit more information. Same question, but it's just, there's a need to be to it because like, I'm not really willing to give up two questions for that one. I mean, that could be up to the user to specify too. Fine, fine. But like I said, how I'm wasting my questions. Like I can only be limited as to the number of questions. Like, cause I'm realistically, you're not going to ask your friends a hundred questions. They're going to be exhausted by us. But you could come up with probably, I don't know. I bet you 15 is probably a decent 10 to 15. It seems a reasonable amount that you could gather some good information. That you could gather some good information to like then like, and maybe like, maybe the last question is an open-ended question. What other, what types of things or what things, what's like, what's your favorite act of kindness that you've ever had done for you? Like, tell me a story about like something special that happened or something special that you received and like something like that. Like, I mean, I don't know, roll with it. That's a good idea. We're going to, we're going to make a magic sparkle list. I mean, we can utilize it probably February. I'm coming into town in February. So, you know, like maybe there's an opportunity to like plant it with a small subset of people to, to just see. I like it. Try it out. Try it out. Like an experiment, research, research and development. Trying to refine the process. It's fine. It's fine. Don't worry about it. Next question. Oh, I love it. I mean, probably could even just set up like a survey link. Like just get all the survey results. Yeah. Although our friends wouldn't necessarily click on the links for that. We actually have to like quiz them and just write down their answers. Wait, do we have an option to do polls the next time we do a happy hour, virtual happy hour? Also add a poll. I don't know. I think you know how we can do that. I know we can do that in Teams, but can we do that with Zoom? Like where you could do a poll? Like, so you could kind of like. Stop recording, Ethan. I think that's fine.