pilot Mrr on da Wll

Two individuals, Victor Ochoa and Gary Folks, discuss the importance of self-reflection and taking action in their podcast called "Mirror on the Wall." They emphasize that knowledge is only useful when applied and encourage listeners to confront their fears and insecurities. They also discuss their personal journeys of self-discovery and accountability, highlighting how they overcame challenges and made positive changes in their lives. Gary shares his experience of waking up as a three-time felon and drug addict, realizing the need for change and taking responsibility for his actions. Victor discusses his upbringing and the pressure he felt to meet societal expectations. Both emphasize the importance of self-awareness and the desire to live a purposeful life. Welcome the mirror on the wall, where we take the time to reflect deepest inside ourselves to make a positive impact not only within our lives, but in the lives of those who surround us. You know a lot of times you may have heard this misconception, right? That knowledge is power, right? But it's applied knowledge that's power. What good is all that in your brain if you don't apply it? And willing to look into that fear and turn around and say, yeah, I am afraid, I am nervous, I am scared. I do at times feel all these things that are in me. But in spite of that, I'm going to do it anyway. All right, so this is our test pilot for the Mirror on the Wall podcast. My name is Victor Ochoa, and I have Gary Folks. All right, guys, so here it is. We've been talking about doing this for a while. We've just kind of been back and forth, not really knowing how to go about this, you know. And it was one of those testimonies to where too much analysis causes paralysis, right? Right. So we were paralyzed a little bit on getting started, but here we are giving it the first go around to see how this is going to sound, what it looks like, what it feels like. And trying to make this, I don't know, something that could be of service to others that our experiences in this road of recovery, as well as, you know, reflecting on our accountability as individuals. What it looks like now versus what it looked like before, right? Right. So what we'll do today, to start off, Gary, why don't you go ahead and start us off. Tell us a little bit about you, who you are, where you come from, what brings you to this point of your life, and what it looked like before. All right. Well, good afternoon, everybody. So my name is Gary Folks, as we had talked about earlier. And really, what brought me to this point was waking up one day and realizing that because I hadn't taken the time to stop and look at how my actions affected myself and those around me, I woke up a three-time felon, drug addict, living in a sober living. And at some point, I had to stop and look in the mirror and see, who am I? What is it that I want to do with myself? And more importantly, what did that action look like, right? Right. Because at this point, like we said, even at the beginning of this, we can do a lot of reflection and we can do a lot of thinking, right? And we can think ourselves into something. And if any of you are like me, at times, you can also think yourself right out of it. Right. Yeah. You know? So taking that action. And that's where a lot of that fear is, that action, that what if. Like, am I good enough for this action? What if I fail? But you're already failing if you're not taking that action either. So that's a lot of kind of like where this came through, is just deciding that what do I want better in life? Willing to take that look in the mirror, right? And not look at it like how – because, you know, normally, like I would look in the mirror when I could see, right? It was that – and we'll get to that as well. But when I would look in the mirror, I kept looking in the mirror as how do others see me, right? Is this how others see me? Rather than taking the time to look in the mirror to see how do I see myself and not being afraid of how I see myself, right? Not to beat myself up or condemn myself, right? But as what I've said before, that compelling myself, like where is it that I want to make those changes, right? It's like you look in the mirror and you're doing your check in the morning. You brush your teeth. You're like, okay, it looks like I need to brush my teeth. Okay, you know what? I'm trying to make that appointment with the – go get a haircut, right? Right, right. So that's that analogy. You look, okay, trying to get a haircut. You need to look at life. You say, okay, you know what? I ain't even keeping my stuff clean, right? I can't even keep my room clean. So definitely. And it's one of those things where, like, you know, how far is too far and how much is enough, you know? Right. So tell us a little bit about how – what it looked like before you started making these reflections and started taking this road of accountability, right, for your actions and started to, you know – Because for me, it took a while before I even realized that I wasn't doing certain things in my life for myself. Like, I wasn't being accountable. Right. And I was just kind of, like, existing, right? Right. But I couldn't see it. I was blind. Right. Right. And not understanding why this blindness was happening, you know, emotional, mental, spiritual blindness was happening. Right. Was a big factor. So what was it like before? So before, what it was was, like, I was constantly jumping from one thing to the next thing, one thing to the next thing, like a jack of all trades and a master of none, right? Right. Because I was literally just nothing. Like, I got it. I got it. It looks good on the outside surface, right? How do I look to those around me, right? But I'm constantly drowning under my expectations, not only for myself, but the expectations that I have put upon myself from others. And so I constantly just wanted to run. I was just overwhelmed, right? So I chose to run, like, do drugs and escape women and just anything that could get me away from adulting or having to take that time to really look. And I just saw myself constantly just overwhelmed. And then one day it just hit that, like, so I'm blind as well, right? And so one day I looked at that. I had to look at that and say, there were some things that maybe I couldn't have done to save my vision. So you're physically blind. Physically blind, right. Right. And so I just had to stop and just look at life and say, look, what am I going to do at this point, right? Am I going to sit and wait to die or am I ready to start living, right? Because it just became so – basically what happened, I ran myself into a corner. Right. And I just couldn't get out. I punched as many holes as I could in the wall, but the wall was still there, right? And I just had to make that decision that I wanted to live for something, right? Live for myself. So in your life – don't want to interrupt right there. So now what I'm trying to do is I'm trying to get a picture of how did you get to this point where you found yourself in this corner, right? What and how did it progress to that funnel point, right, which is that corner where it's just no more wiggle room. There's no more excuses. There's no more, you know, justifications and rationalizations on why we do this. But how was it that you got to that point? Like, you know, what caused this unveiling, I guess, of our lives when we're out there gunning and running? It just – after all, it kind of just all came together, if I'm understanding you correctly. It all just came to that I have created that life that I have, and I have no excuses but myself. I've used up all the excuses, right? I've blamed everybody I could blame except for myself, right? Right. Because those were perfect excuses because who wants to look in the mirror and say, you did this. Right. Right? Right. And I got to that point where I was like, no more. No more. Right. And I stopped at one point and was like, look, I was brought up better than this. More importantly, I know better than this. So tell us a little bit about that. How were your upbringings? So my upbringing, you know, and I love my parents to death, right? They did the best they could with what they had. So I want to go ahead and get that disclaimer out, right? Because, you know, we love our parents, right? Right, of course. And God knows my kids may have their own views on my parenting. But the biggest thing was, like, I was a product of my environment, right? Like in my neighborhood, my dad brought me up with education, right? So being as a black man, right, like I grew up in a predominantly white neighborhood, lower middle class. And it was too black to fit in with the white, but too white acting to be with the black. So it just put me in this middle of constantly wanting to improve myself. And so what society said is a good man, right? What society is a good man. And what is a good black man? And what is a cool black man? And all these things that I felt that I had to live up to in these expectations, right? Too much influenced by music and the people around me, right? The cool guy. What I thought was the cool guy was the guy that had the nice car and the women and the money and the cool clothes, right? And so while I chased those dreams, ironically enough, the more empty I felt. Like I could have a closet full of the latest Jordans and polo. I'm from the 90s, so polo and Jordans, you know, and the women. And then phone full of women and still feeling lonely. Yeah. Right? What do you think, right? Yeah, no. What are your thoughts with that? Like how is your upbringing? You know, so I'm a foreign national. I was born in Mexico. And, you know, my upbringing, as I recall, growing up as a kid, there was always family around, right? But there wasn't a lot of money. Right. You know, there were struggles and there was, you know, family issues. But there always was family nucleus around me. Right. I had cousins and aunts and uncles and grandparents and parents around me. So when my mom decided to pack up and leave and come to the States, you know, she dragged us right along with her. Right. Separating us from that comfort zone, that nucleus, right? Right. So we didn't have that growing up. But nevertheless, we still had principles. We still had morals bestowed upon us. Right. We never had expectations, though. People talk about, like, expectations are not good, right? But when I talk about expectations, I talk about, you know, I was never told, you're supposed to go to college. Right. You know, I was always bullied by my stepdad in regards to, you know, you're a cholo, you know, this and that. Right. You know, I remember breaking down one day and really upset because him and this friend was just clowning on me, bro. Right. I was maybe like 10, 11 years old. And I got really upset and I told him, like, why can't you call me, you know, a motherfucking attorney or something? Like, why do I got to be a cholo? Right. Why do I have to be this? You know, so I can recognize that the, you know, a lot of people say that reverse psychology, those shit don't work on me. Reverse psychology really didn't work on me. Right. Why? Because I lacked an identity of my own. Right. Being separated from my family at such a young age, I was like 10 years old, we had a lot of instability. You know, parents got divorced very young. Right. Mom, you know, mom struggled, you know, at a very young age. Right. With having two kids and dad was a Rolling Stone, you know, he was a rock star and, you know, out in Mexico and whatnot. And he started his own family. So all of that encompassing, I mean, I can break it down to, you know, where it all, even where their situation is. I can take their inventory too, but ultimately what it is, is for me being separated created this anxiety, right? Right. Which I have now, as I began to embark in this recovery journey for myself emotionally, mentally, physically, I recognize that everything that happened in my life was fear driven. Right. And it all stemmed from the fact that I was afraid of separation. Right. Because I was always alone, I grew up alone. So automatically there were many, you know, counseling sessions that came through the understanding that I was in survival mode. Therapy is good, y'all. Yeah. Yeah. Therapy helps. It's not, you know, it's not all, it's part of it, but it really helps unveil some things. And for me it was the fact that I was on survival mode all the time. Yeah. And a lot of my behaviors, a lot of my decisions, a lot of my actions were fear driven. Right. Stemming from that survival mode. See, and as you bring that up, right, I can think about that too, right? Because my dad grew up in a big family, right? But we're out here in Arizona, we're in Germany, and then we're out here in Arizona, and all of my other relatives are back east, right? So it was just us, and he always just brought me and my brother. So we still felt like I didn't get that experience with cousins and grandma. You know, grandma came into town once in a while, right? But it wasn't that I didn't have that same bond of it. And, like, I could feel that my entire life was always about seeking outside connection and seeking to fit into other people's mold as opposed to fitting into myself, right? You know, and again, like, this is not to, they did the best they could, right? But I didn't feel like I was giving it to show what, who, what is the identity that I want to create for myself, right? My identity was I am a child who does what he's told. Right. Goes to school, gets good grades. Yeah. And then, like you said, those long lectures of why don't you stop doing what you're doing so you could, you know, be a lawyer or a doctor. Mine were, oh, you're going to, you're going to be somebody's bitch in prison, right? You know, only girls are going to like you are the big girls, right? Shout out to big girls, right? But, like, these are the things that, these are the things that were conditioned into me, right? You know, they, you know, it's funny at one point they tell you sticks and stones may break my bones but words don't hurt. Well, whoever said that, you know, it's bullshit. So, you know, I'm saying there's been words out there that have really stuck to me to my core. And the older I get and something new comes that's a struggle or brings on that fear that you were talking about earlier, how many, how can you, maybe you can relate to how many times you sit back to all those things you were told back then that just sprout back up to your mind automatically. Whether you, no matter how much work you've done, how much therapy, that thought just hits you again, right? Oh, yeah. It's like. Oh, yeah. You know, like I just finished the school, I just finished the school program right now. And I proved to myself I can do a lot, right? I went to this blind, this blind program, right, comprehensive program to live independently blind. And as I start the new school program, which I know I have the skills to do, it's in me like I'm at the bottom of that hill again. Like, you know, I'm good enough for this. You know, I'm going to be able to get a job or you're going to get this certificate and you're just going to fail. You're abroad, you know. And everything that I've learned about my growth and my therapy and my self-confidence has immediately started right at ground zero again because of all those thoughts that I figured out about growing, right? Like, you know, I haven't been told that in like almost 30 years, but yet they're still come up to the forefront. Yeah. Yeah. There was a video that I, a recovery video that I really like. And it's by Dr. Bobo. It's called Best Explanation About Recovery, right, or Addiction. Okay. Because there's addiction in my story, right? Right. To various things, not only substances, but codependency, sex, even arcades for instance. Right. My addict behaviors develop and manifest themselves at a very young age. So, I came to understand through that video that, you know, a lot of that is trauma-based. Right. So, and we also, you sent me a video too about our bodies reacting to that trauma. Right. Right? And how physically we actually begin to feel it. So, we stop holding ourselves. We, you know, we lay in bed a little too long. Right. We overeat or we avoid certain things like working out. And I can see that in my life a lot. As much as I am working a program of recovery at this point, it still manifests itself. And it's an ever-ending, you know, never-ending actually process. So, how, you know, do I just give up on it? Do I just say, fuck it, that's just never going to get better? But that's the key. That's the key word right there. Right. It's progress. It's just, it gets a little bit better every time. And even though it still happens, and it's going to continue to happen, and those emotions are going to continue to pop up, and those thoughts are going to continue to appear in our minds, but it gets better. The management of it gets better, right? Right. You know, the immediate reflection or being able to take immediate action and recognize it. Whereas before, I just didn't have that. Right. So, everything was trauma and fear-based. Right. I didn't take a second to not be impulsive. Right. Because I was afraid. Because I was scared. Because this seemed a little bit too much like everything else that has happened in my life that just sucks. And it's just the way it is for me. Right? Yeah. The weight of all of it, right? Yeah. And I remember that was one of the things, like, I hated when people would tell me, well, you should already know. Not to put it in my, well, I'm not even going to say it. But there was a very significant person in my life that used to tell me, you should already know. Right. You should already, you know, that's just who I am. That's just the way it is. And I hated that. But then I took on that. Right? Yeah. And then in that very same relationship, there was a lot of verbal attacks, right? Right. And everything that that person verbally attacked me about wasn't happening in that moment. Right. Right? And in that moment, I would think about it and say, that's not me. Right. But because I had prior trauma. Right. Of separation. Right. From being a foreign national, not speaking the language, being picked on. Right. Being marginalized. Right. Being separated. And when I say separated, they would pull me out of class and put me on special education classes away from the other kids. Right. Almost as if I was retarded. Right. Excuse the word. I'm not saying that, but we're going to edit that out. Yeah, yeah, for sure. Almost as if I wasn't capable of understanding and being apt to learn along with the other kids. Right. You just didn't speak the language. I just didn't speak the language. They treated you like you were a learning challenge. Right. Right. Yeah. And so all of those things create insecurity. Right. All of those things create not being able to talk to the girls. Right. And then being made fun of when you did try it. Right. Right. So it creates this animosity towards wanting to excel at a certain point. It doesn't happen to everybody, but it happens to certain people. And then certain people just have this chemical reaction to certain things. Right. Right. And I was one of those persons. I was one of those people that it happened to. So going back into everything is trauma-based. Right. To this day, I can still feel my body, my mind, my emotions reacting to certain things. Right. Not so long ago, it just happened that I had someone come back into my life, and I immediately started building castles in the sky in that code of fantasy. Right. But this time I caught it at a period of time where I was like, you know what? No. This is not what I want. This is not where my energy is. Yeah. Right. I think you bring up a good point right there. So when you're doing recovery and you're working through trauma, right, we want to make it clear that not everybody that's trauma has done drugs to get over their trauma. Right. Like there's so many effects. It's just sometimes drugs makes it pretty quick to know, hey, I have a problem I have to work on. Right. But when you get to this point, especially like where we're at in recovery, this is where it gets deep, where you really have to do that deep to see how is it affecting you now. Because obviously if you see you've got to stay away from drugs and alcohol, you see how that's messed up your life, where you're like, okay, am I overeating or am I overworking now, or am I seeking validation through women or clothes. Right. Like I got two feet in like 30 shoes. Right. Like you know what I mean? Because I have to watch and say, hey, is this something I'm doing because this is something that I truly enjoy or am I using these to give myself validation, right, to get over my trauma, to compensate for trauma. Yeah. You know? Yeah. It's this need to fulfill this void, right. Right. To soothe this ache from the rejection. Right. Or in my case, it would be to soothe from the disappointment of setting an expectation. Right. On something that I had no control over. Right. You know? And then before in the past, I would be very resentful at that. Right. And I would use that as fuel. You'd still be up on it, right? Right, right. Trying to like got to make it work, squeeze the life out of it. You'd be like, I don't want to talk to you no more. And then five minutes later, what are you up to? Right. You know what I mean? Right, right. You know, you just want to let it out and you want to let them know that you're upset. Right. But you're not going to let go. Right, right, right. Because you're not ready to deal with that void. Right, right. The trauma of like because you're like just going to bring back all those because really that's what it is. And you're bringing back all those feelings from childhood all back to I'm alone. Right. I'm not worthy. Right. Right. And, you know, but because of the deep work that you're willing to do daily, right, like you're able to see this sooner and be like, okay, you know what? This isn't serving. And because I do, I am able to value myself with myself. Right? You're able to say, hey, this isn't serving me. This isn't better for my higher, you know, this isn't for my higher purpose, my higher good. Right? Right. And you're able to say, okay. And, yeah, and it comes down to that. So I, it's a self-acceptance part of it. Right. But mostly it's the ability to be able to cope with the things that come in just daily life, just dealing with people in general, you know. Right. And not allowing those circumstances to dictate how I feel about myself. Right. You know, how my struggle is less than. Right. Or how my struggle is more than and then try to use that as an excuse because nobody understands me. Because nobody understands what I'm going through because, you know, I give everything and nobody gives anything in return. Right. And I'm such a nice person. Right. Yeah. And that was the biggest thing that I had. I had the biggest issue with. I thought I was a really nice guy. Yeah. I thought I was a really nice guy. And people would say you're a really nice guy. Yeah. But when I self-reflect and analyze, like, why did I get into so much shit, bro? Like, and so many, why so many broken relationships? Not just girlfriends. Right. Friends. Right. Friendships, coworkers, you know, bosses or ex-employers. Right. Why so many broken relationships? Right. I thought I was a nice guy. I thought they said I was a nice guy. Right. But then I think about it and I was like, no, I wasn't. I was a self-centered, selfish, egotistical, you know. Right. Narcissistic, you know, tendencies. Right. To want to be accepted. Right. Right. As long as you accepted me, then I did everything. But the moment you made me feel bad about myself. Woo! I'm going to show you. I'm going to show you who I am. Yeah. Yeah. And I'm going to get you. Right. Because you hurt me. Right. Because you said I was ugly, I couldn't read. I don't know. Right. Right. Right. But now, you know, and it all stems back into that survival mode, that drama. Right. You know, for me it was, you know, based on thinking that I wasn't good enough. Because I was not told, but I was put in a position where they made me feel. Right. Not they, but the system made me feel I wasn't good enough because I'm foreign national, because I didn't speak the language. Right. Because, you know, socioeconomical fucking background or whatever the case may have been. But that was that. And that's where it had to stop. But I carried it. And I carried it for over fucking 35 years, bro. Right. So one day I wake up and I'm fucking 45 years old and I'm like, what the fuck? Right. Because you said we would talk ourselves out of it. Right. You know, I had the opportunities of businesses. Right. I have opportunities. I'm that typical case. I was that typical case of the individual that only if, I was that, I'm the only if. Yeah. Only if he would have got over himself. Only if he would have done it by himself. Right. I had so much potential. Right. I had all the potential in the world. Right. People believed in me. Right. People trusted in me. People were willing to invest in me. Right. And I just took it for granted. Right. You thought it would come at any time or you would panic and not feel, like you said, like that, I think that video we were watching that one time with the Tyrese, right? Like. Oh, yeah. We were talking about. Yeah, Trina, that it was rented, right? Everything was rented. Your success is rented. Yeah. So, you know, like you ever drive, and you all had that rental car you drove, like it's stolen, right? Because you got to give it back, right? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Or you're like, I'm not worthy. Or as soon as I start to truly enjoy this, someone's going to take it from me. You don't see any longevity in it. Yeah. People are going to take it from you. They're going to only be nice to you to take from you your success. Right. Right. And, man, I feel like I can really relate with that. Right. On like so many levels. Right. And I think like one of the things that like they talk about here, too, is that like there's all this knowledge because I think you and I can both look at it, right? Like we know that deep down, right? We're smart enough, right? But. That's the other thing. I was told I was too smart for my own good. Right. Right. But when it comes to applying that action, right? Right. Because I think we took on whether, I'm not going to say necessarily what we were taught, but what we learned from everything, what I feel at least I learned from everybody was that what I don't know how to do, run. Run from it, right? I chose to run from it because I didn't want to deal with all that emotional pain. Right. I just kept running and just kept running and just kept running, right? And now as I look at things, that's my biggest fight is not run from work because like you said, like we have these great, even this, right? This podcast, right? Hey, this has been, I'm not going to tell you how long we've been working on this, right? Right. Until the day finally came where we just stopped and said, you know what? Good, bad. Let's just get it done. We're going to just turn around and face it. Right. And the beauty of that is that now we're applying it, right? The action. The action comes in. Because, you know, a lot of times you may have heard this misconception, right? That knowledge is power, right? But it's applied knowledge that's power. What good is all that in your brain if you don't apply it? And willing to look into that fear and turn around and say, yeah, I am afraid. I am nervous. I am scared. I do at times feel all these things that are in me. But in spite of that, I'm going to do it anyways because I love me more than that fear. Right. And I'm willing to stand up and fight for myself, right? Right. You know, fight is still the face of fear, right? Yep. Yeah, I think we're going to end it with this because that's a good stopping point right there. Okay. You know, one of the things that, you know, I think I mentioned it before and I just want to, you know, reiterate it right now. It's like fear without hope, it's just pain, bro. Yeah. It's just pain. But fear with hope. Yeah. It's just growth. Yeah. It's a lesson. You know, you embrace it. You know, fear is still there. Yeah. But you have to have some faith. You have to have some hope. Yeah. You know, you have to believe in something other than yourself that, you know, there's a purpose to this madness that the world brings, right? Yeah. So today the fact that I don't collapse on the fear, it does paralyze me because of how long it kept us from putting on these mics, right? Right. But this is it. Like, we're on it. But we just did it. And we did it. Yeah. We pulled some triggers. So, yeah. And we faced some fears. Right. And some insecurities. Right. Because even up to hit and record on this thing, I was like, oh, well, you know what, let's just, you know, have a meeting about having a meeting. Right. Right, right. I'm going to go pee. I'm going to go, yeah, exactly. I'm going to be productive than any other. Yeah. Anything but this, right? Are there any dishes that need to be washed? Right. Anybody want their own cheese right now? Right. Got to keep myself busy. But, so we're going to stop it right there. I think, so this is our first go around. And we're going to keep figuring it out, man. But, you know, we're doing it now. Yeah. We're in it. We're doing it. All right. Stay tuned. So, once again, I'm Victor. And I'm Gary. And this is Mirror on the Wall. Yes. Yep.