CWPWHM EP 14 10:06

The person didn't feel like they had resources to reach out to people. They had a small group of friends but felt they couldn't share everything with them, including their struggles. They had arguments with their mom and didn't have anyone to turn to for support. The guidance counselor at school wasn't helpful either. As a result, they started writing hateful things to themselves as a cry for help. Towards the end, they did have some family and friends who indirectly acknowledged their struggle and offered support. They also confided in some friends about the self-hate messages. That's so interesting. Did you not feel like you had resources to reach out to people with? Not really. I mean, I had a really small group of friends. And in middle school, your friend can be your enemy from the same breath. Oh, yeah. Yeah. And my mom, she was such a sweet woman, but she was like, very close to me. And so sometimes when you're so close to someone, you share everything and suddenly you feel like you can't, you don't want to talk to them. Um, sorry to interrupt, but I just, especially in those times when you're going through so many changes, you, you almost end up pushing away the people who are most loving to you in that weird way. You know? Yeah, absolutely. I was in so many arguments with my mom around that time and it was just turbulent. Yeah. Yeah. So at the time we only had a male guidance counselor and he really meant well, but he had no idea what he was doing. Um, kind of guidance counselor meant well, no idea what they're doing. Wonderful. Great. Okay. So this is, this was your, this was your safety net at school. Yeah. And that was about it. I mean, if you had an altercation argument at all, you were told, you know, don't fight back, turn the other cheek, you know, ignore it. And then if that didn't happen, you're sent to the guidance counselor. He would basically tell you the same exact thing. So now I didn't really have anyone to reach out to. And so in, in a sense, the reason you're writing these hateful things to yourself is, is a cry for help. Absolutely. Yeah. Did you get anyone who responded to that call? Yes, actually. Um, so towards the end, um, when I was starting to realize it was becoming a problem, um, I did have some family and friends who didn't directly call me out on it. Um, but would comment, you know, like, you don't deserve to have to be told those things, you know, you deserve better than that. I made some friends, um, that I did confide in that I was sending those messages to myself.