The Reality Of How It Actually Ends With Us

In this transcription, Kate Rose discusses the prevalence of toxic and abusive relationships and the need for honesty and healing. She reviews the book "It Ends With Us" by Colleen Hoover, which explores themes of domestic violence. However, she criticizes the portrayal of unrealistic scenarios and the perpetuation of fairy tale narratives in abusive relationships. Kate reflects on the importance of creating one's own "happily ever after" and questions the need for the hero archetype. She emphasizes the need to break free from generational patterns of abuse and highlights the different forms of abuse: physical, mental, emotional, and financial. Kate also discusses the difficulties of leaving an abusive relationship and the role of personal wounds and subconscious patterns in attracting such relationships. She shares her own experience and the importance of self-healing and empowerment. This is Kate Rose and welcome to Soul Gold. It is time that it does end with us. But that means being truly honest about what that process actually entails and what it means. Unfortunately, being in toxic, unhealthy, or even abusive relationships is far more common than anyone would actually like to believe. There is a stigma not only around these relationships but the women and even men that are in them. And having it end with us also means being really honest about what went into the process as well as the real life situation of what it means to actually heal our generational wounding so that not only do we become better but future generations do as well. While I was far behind the popular curve, after hearing about this particular book from clients, I decided to read it. In this story, It Ends With Us, which is also set to be released into theaters tomorrow, author Colleen Hoover explores themes of domestic violence. From all I had heard about this novel, I had admittedly pretty high expectations. But unfortunately, as I was reading it, there was a similar theme that all too often gets played out in novels and movies and yet which rarely, if ever, actually happens in real life. When we consume information, whether through movies, music, or even books, our ideals and beliefs can then become conditioned. This is from the Disney movies we may watch as children that are all about happily ever afters and also to those books we read as adults in which it always seems there's a knight in shining armor. But what happens if we are meant to create our own happily ever after? What does it mean to realize there is no knight waiting to rescue you and that you have to become the protector you have always craved? While It Ends With Us does talk honestly about domestic abuse and the generational pattern it creates, it also does reinforce some fairy tale versions of this scenario. So much so that when I finished reading it, I was left wondering, what happens if someone reading this book is currently in an abusive relationship? And how will this potentially affect their own choices? Because the reality is that with abusive relationships, I have never spoken to someone who had a real life atlas, or for those who haven't read the book, a knight in shining armor who is a safe place to run to. Nor have I ever heard of people being able to be friends and healthy co-parents with their abuser or even family members post separation, especially immediately. But as someone recently told me, this is solely for entertainment. It's to garner sales. But even with that being true, I still felt myself reflecting on this scenario, wondering why a book about a woman having to rebuild herself financially, personally, emotionally, spiritually by herself after extricating herself from a dangerous situation isn't one that could be just as popular. Do we actually still need the story of the hero? And if so, why aren't we becoming that hero? And so I began thinking, have we really evolved so little that we're still playing into the same stereotypes that we have been working so hard to leave behind? I do applaud Colleen Hoover for writing about her own childhood wounds and what she went through. However, I do wish that we would overall stop selling any narrative that somehow we as the survivors of these situations will be rescued or able to make nice with the very individuals that have caused so much pain. While this is a theme that I speak with clients all too often about, it's also one that is incredibly close to my heart because I was in an abusive relationship, unfortunately, too, although they played out quite differently. And while I, like so many other women, dreamed of a big, confident man to keep us safe, also, like all of those other women, I had to figure it out on my own and learn how to heal myself. While most of these abusive relationships begin in the love-bombing phase, there are always those red flags we overlook, either because of our own wounding or simply because the lure of that particular individual has become so strong. And then, the first time we're hit or that hand is placed too roughly on us, we think it is a one-time thing. We look for what we did wrong and we believe the apologies. And once it does start happening with more regularity, we now are so far in that what we're living with has become the norm. While abuse is most often referred to and even thought of as the physical harm that is done to another, it also can involve mental, emotional, and even financial control. Mental abuse is minimizing, demeaning, and controlling another person's actions or sense of self through the words that are said. Emotional abuse is the toxic teaching and manipulation of an abusive partner to be seen as, quote-unquote, the good one, the one who cares, and whose emotions and feelings should take priority in the relationship. Oftentimes with emotional abuse, there are also threats of physical harm to self by the abuser as they appeal to the feelings of the codependency by their partner. Financial abuse is the control of resources by the abuser to secure dependency from their partner, whether it's controlling bank accounts, not placing investments in their name, or even requiring full access to any money for the abuser's sole needs. Abuse can take on many facets in our lives, but it is defined as control and an unhealthy dynamic in which most feel there is no escaping. To leave an abusive relationship is incredibly difficult and often takes a great deal of time, but for your own healing and growth, how you leave it actually makes all the difference. I have heard from women who left an abusive relationship because their family literally came, packed them up, and moved them out, only, unfortunately, to end up in a similar situation years later where they were then being tasked with figuring out how to leave on their own. I have spoken to women who had a new gentleman come into their lives at the end of their abusive marriage who, in their eyes, initially helped them separate from their abuser, only to realize a year later, if the abuse even was different or the treatment, it still ended in another abusive relationship. The reason for this is that it all comes back to our own inner wounds and how they play a part in the relationship that we choose. In It Ends With Us, the main character, Lily, witnesses her mother in an abusive relationship with her father, and although she promises she will never let herself be in that kind of relationship, unfortunately, that's exactly where she ends up. Having a history of abuse is one of the most significant factors for then attracting this situation, and even if you never actually witnessed it yourself in childhood, there is enough ingrained to the subconscious that it's more than likely you will seek out what feels familiar and often find yourself in an unhealthy or abusive relationship. But unfortunately, not having a history of abusive partners in your generational makeup doesn't preclude you from attracting this type of connection. Besides those who are repeating generational patterns, most often it's those who have felt unworthy, unchosen, or there's a lack of being seen, being made special, and who are seen or identified as sensitive, intuitive, and caring by nature. Children who are also over-parentified at an early age may also come to enter into an abusive relationship later in life, as they will have developed a caretaker energy in order to survive, which means they will be called to protect and care for even their abuser. These are the wounds that you may or even may not be aware of, and yet they will still play a part in the energy you are radiating, and because of that, the relationships you attract. Yet, let's be very clear. Having a wound of unworthiness doesn't make you not worthy. Being sensitive or even codependent doesn't make you weak, and oftentimes it is the strongest, most amazing individuals that find themselves in a relationship that they would never have expected, one that hurts more than it loves. But it is because of these wounds, and even your strengths, that no one can ever rescue us from a situation that we called into our lives to help us heal and have that generational trauma actually end with us, to realize how special, worthy, and confident we deserve to feel about ourselves and our lives. At the end of an abusive relationship, when I wasn't allowed to leave the house and even had the Wi-Fi cut to prevent outside contact, I was allowed to go to therapy as I was told that I was the problem. It was in therapy that I was referred to a domestic abuse agency, and until those words were said, I had no idea that this was now a label that applied to me. Never once in all of the situations, events, arguments, or fears was I ever able to connect the dots that it was abuse, simply because few, if any, marks were ever left on my skin. And yet, at the time, I had no idea just how long those internal wounds would take to finally heal. Like many women, I was genuinely afraid. Afraid of conflict, of being hurt, of losing any control over my life. And so I wanted my own personal atlas. I wanted my knight in shining armor. I wanted another man to step in and protect me. But essentially, and of course unconsciously, I also wanted a man to come in so I wouldn't have to actually do any of the work myself. And in my case, I attracted one. But like the real story that is more often not told, it wasn't an amazingly healthy, supportive, consistent man that I attracted, but one who would hurt me in even more unimaginable ways, simply because of where I was with myself when I attracted him. I wasn't feeling worthy. I was not confident. And so I was looking, again, for someone to direct me on knowing that that also put me at risk for being in a controlling relationship. But because he wasn't that knight in shining armor that I really wanted, and maybe even needed, I somehow ended up feeling even more alone as I navigated my life, healing myself, and even learning how to be a single parent. Because it wasn't just my partner that I separated from, but the entire family. Like in the story, it ends with us. I was best friends with my abuser sister. So much so that she was even my maid of honor. I taught her to drive stick shift, and I was her daughter's godmother. As an only child, this man hadn't just given me a romantic relationship, but the family that my inner child wounds had always craved. Yet, unlike the story and the movie that will be released tomorrow, the minute I separated from my partner was also the minute I lost all of that, like I hear from so many other women. Most partners' families are enablers, which is partly what goes into forming their personality. And so, to look at the story of It Ends With Us, it is most often unrealistic to them to think that there will be healthy relationships, not just with the abuser, but also their families post-separation or divorce. Now, this isn't just for your own sanity, but also because you now pose a threat to the story of enabling and avoidance that these families often operate from. And so, for most of us who finally have that aha moment, the moment of clarity, or even the realization that if we stay, we won't make it, life becomes incredibly lonely, because either we're single, single parents, isolated from past close relationships, or already beginning to get involved with another unhealthy partner. The reality of abusive relationships is that while this connection was attracted into your life because of your own wounds, you need to go through that process by yourself in order to heal them, and to learn exactly who you are apart from others. The majority of relationships attracted at the point of leaving an abusive relationship will either be mirrored through feelings of unworthiness, unavailability, and even a lack of confidence. Because now, it's not just about the wounds you went into the abusive relationship with, but those that you have accumulated in the process. Although the writer of It Ends With Us tries to make it seem as if the main character, Lily, really did make the decision to leave the relationship for herself, there is still the safe place and hope of that savior in place. Not only providing somewhere to run in a moment of pain, but also knowing that this individual loves her and wants a life with her. But as much as all of those in domestically abusive relationships wish that was the case for all of us, it's important to realize there is a difference between the movies you watch, the books you read, and the life you will live. Coming out of an abusive relationship, there is a mutability that tends to affect everyone. Meaning that because your sense of self was demeaned, put down, condemned, even suppressed, you haven't learned who you are or you forgot during the course of this relationship. You learn to keep the peace or even receive what felt like love by doing what another does, what they want, fulfilling their wishes. So entering into any new relationship immediately after an abusive one often ends up repeating not just the pattern of toxicity, but also how you showed up in the connection. We can only learn who we are by having time to ourselves. We can only heal when we aren't using another as a band-aid. And we can only be certain that it ends with us by choosing to show up differently for ourselves and any children that we might have. There is a difference between fairy tale and reality. One that it seems is hard to completely accept or wrap our head around. That everything you are looking for in another is first what you are being directed to give yourself. Until you do that, you will continue to seek partners to fulfill those needs and likely will continue to attract unhealthy relationships. It is not an easy path to walk post-separation, especially from an abusive partner. But it is one that ends up making you into who you've been meant to be all along. There will be moments of tears. Moments when you even start to question your decision of leaving the relationship. But there will also be those moments of freedom when you realize you can actually select anything you wish at the market instead of only those items that your partner preferred. The unfortunate truth for today's nugget is that there's no way to be rescued from any situation in your life, abusive or not, and still be able to grow and heal into the person you're meant to be. You deserve your own love and to be able to figure out who you are without any relationship clouding your focus. As terrifying as it might seem, you are the one that you have been searching for. And because of that, you are your own protector. And you can keep yourself safe. It's okay to create boundaries with exes, family members, or even friends. You do not have to feel like you need to be nice or even try to have a healthy relationship with someone that has hurt you. Because however you move forward is the right decision for you. And learning that is also part of the healing. This has been Soul Gold. May you never stop seeking what you know is meant for you.