Women EP. 2

Khadijah discusses her experiences in relationships, particularly with women. She realizes that she has been attracted to women who only give her parts of themselves, such as sex, rather than someone who is willing to give her emotional, mental, and physical support. She reflects on the pain she has experienced from putting expectations on others and getting hurt as a result. Khadijah expresses her desire for a loyal and loving partner and acknowledges that she has also made mistakes in relationships. She finds it difficult to continue being loving after being hurt and contemplates whether she should take a step back from dating. Hello this is Khadijah and this is my second episode of my podcast. I'm just gonna be fencing on this one hear me out. I've noticed majority of my lesbian life I've been into women who only give me pieces of them. For example I would be more interested in a woman who can only give me sex from time to time instead of a woman who's willing to give me their all emotionally mentally and physically. But it's something I don't like about situationships. You got a plan meet up with the person to get what you want on their time I can't do that no more. I don't know if it has to do with me protecting my heart but I realize every time I get my arm my heart gets crushed and it seems to happen every single time. Recently I was hurt by somebody because I put too many expectations on them and I believe it was all my fault. I should have never let my heart go to someone who's known for betrayal in their past. I am patiently waiting for the beautiful woman of my life to pop into my life and give me so much loyalty and honesty and love that I've asked for from these other women. I feel like I've given a lot of genuine love to my exes in the past and if I didn't it's because I was being selfish with the things that I wanted and I wasn't getting them. I've had my days where I've done wrong and that's where I believe karma takes place and I always try to avoid getting hurt by pushing people away because literally every single person who said they wouldn't hurt me has hurt me and that's tough especially because it sneaks on you when you least expect it. Don't get me wrong I give everyone a fair chance when I get into a relationship it just sucks getting hurt when you give your all. It's so hard for me to continue being that loving person after getting hurt or feeling hurt by something someone has done to me. I can give off my love after a minute of me giving my love then I'm immediately feeling crushed. It's like I must get away. I don't instantly think of revenge but I think of like damn why did you have to hurt me like that. I would have never done that to you and I think that's what hurts me the most or that's what hurts anyone the most when someone hurts you and you don't expect it. It literally feels like your heart is being stabbed and then your gut takes a huge hit. I've noticed that I put expectations on the wrong women even the ones I call friends. It makes me want to go back into my bubble and just disappear from everyone. I've already lost my relationship with my grandma and I barely talk to my parents like that and that's already enough to let the world go. But lately that's not what I've been wanting. I believe I'm getting to an age where I should be settling down and not just wanting sex from women like it's an obligation. For the past year or so and I got the chance to focus on myself and better myself. I took the time to focus on what I've been doing wrong all these years and I've just been dating the same type of woman over and over again without taking the time to focus on myself to get that self-love back. Should I fall back?