S1EP2 final

The speaker recounts her experience of being diagnosed with breast cancer and undergoing a double mastectomy. She describes her life before the diagnosis, her initial ignorance about breast health, and the journey of discovering a lump and getting medical tests. The speaker also mentions her close friendship with the person she is talking to and the emotional toll of the experience. You're in the prep room and then your surgeon comes in and starts describing what she's going to do with the one breast and I had to say to her, you're taking both of my breasts and then she had to refer to her nates and she goes, oh yes, yes, yes, yes. When you grab the texter and you just put a cross on both of them and go, see, please. The breast case scenario delves beyond the surgical perspective of mastectomy and provides a raw and honest insight into what life is like after saying bye-bye to the boobies. Whether you've gone flat or foob or are supporting someone who has, we've got you covered. Welcome to the breast case scenario. I'm Cass. And I'm Chris. And we, once again, are coming to you from the beautiful Gundungurra country. It's dusk. The rain is falling on the tin roof. It's just beautiful. It is lovely. And with that, I pay my respects to the elders past and present. Today, episode today, Christy, we have your story, your origin story, if you will, why we are sitting here together from your perspective. So would you like to lead in straight away and let us know what brings you to the table quite literally? Well, I thought I'd do a breast bio. Breast bio is great. Yeah. I mean, it's a podcast. You can't see us. Yeah. So to get an idea, I guess, of what I was like pre-mastectomy, breast wise, I was 41 when I was diagnosed. That was just around a year ago that I was diagnosed with ductal carcinoma in situ, which is a non-invasive and early form of cancer in my left breast. I was probably, I used to lie and say I was a 12B, but let's be honest, I was more like a 12A on a good day. Yeah. Probably. Yeah. Yeah. And they weren't, you know, show-stopping type of breasts. Oh, I mean. They're just kind of, you know, molded into the background. They made some great appearances over the years. They did, actually. They did. So as a result of that diagnosis, I decided to undergo a double mastectomy. So where do you want to start? Wow. Well, it'd be great if you could start by telling us what life was like for you before you became aware that you had DCIS and that you found a lump in your breast. What was going on for you prior to that? What was your life like? Amazing. I was fit. I was presumably healthy. I was in a job leading a really driven and high-performing team. Still do, so that's not gone away. I was in the groove of my career. I think most of my life, my career has defined me probably too much. That's how I've really attached my identity is to my work. I've always been challenged with trying to navigate how to balance that better with family, friends, and everything else. And I knew I'd been working on that and was trying really hard to balance that a little bit better. I first found the lump in December of 2022, and I just remember looking back being incredibly tired. So Phil was doing an apprenticeship. I was working really long hours. My life was pretty much get up, do some work super early before everyone got up, go to work, come back, go to the gym, and try and organize bits of my life in between, go to bed, repeat. And that's what I was doing. Health-wise, I was probably not eating as well as I could have. I was doing a lot of unconscious eating and drinking. You know that time of year like you're just so exhausted, everyone's hanging out for the holidays. So yeah, I just remember feeling super, super tired. So I would fall asleep. I would literally fall into my bed and fall asleep within seconds. And I'd have a 1 a.m. Oh, the witching hour. Yeah, the witching hour. Yeah. My family would describe me as... I would describe myself as highly organized. I agree. My family would describe me as controlling. I agree. I think both of those observations are very accurate. Yeah. But I think that's... You are so highly skilled at organizing time and getting the most out of every minute, literally. Like, we used to joke that Christy doesn't have time for that, but she's got seven minutes. And like, what an arbitrary number to pluck out. But literally, you would be able to break things down into... It's quite superhuman for me because I know I cannot do it. Yeah, you can. And I think you'd been running on that for such a long time. For as long as I've known you, you've worked like that. Yeah, definitely. Definitely. So 1 a.m. witching hour. And because my breast is small, I was obviously just lying on my right side, and I just grazed the side of my left breast and felt a lump. And it was quite small, but it was definitely there. And then I just moved on with my life. Can I ask, were you laying there going, seven minutes? I've got time for a breast check. Probably not. Or was it just really accidental? Like, just sort of, you know, that when you sort of half asleep, half awake, and you sort of try to get comfortable again and zone out, and it was just completely accidental? Yeah, I didn't do breast checks. Wow. I think I was really... Well, I know I was really ignorant in regards to... Well, not ignorant. I thought I was invincible. I didn't go around going, I'm invincible. But when looking back, I felt so fit, healthy. I was probably the fittest I'd ever been. Cancer has not, like, cancer's not even in my family that we know of, so that wasn't even on the radar. Yeah, I was very, I would guess, yeah, I would describe it as ignorant, thinking I, you know, that wouldn't happen to me. You were the six that didn't get it. Number seven was someone else, not you. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, so that was a real eye-opener to me. And it was an eye-opener to everyone who knew me. Yes. And I don't even know how many family and friends went and immediately got their mammograms after hearing, because they were just so shocked. But anyway, well, no one knew them, because I just moved on with my life, and I came down here. It was a scenario quite similar to this, because tonight is sleep overnight. And, yeah, we'd come down, and we'd been talking for hours and hours, and we'd had a good bottle or so of wine. We're very good at both those things, talking and drinking. And just, like, you know, very casually, just as we're about to sort of call it quits for the night, Christy goes, oh, by the way, I found a lump in my breast. I remember how you looked at me, too. And I was like, I want to say something, but I don't think you said what you were thinking. No. There was a lot of internal dialogue. Yeah, I could see that. Well, I mean, and we will talk about this in later episodes, how to react when somebody tells you that. And, yeah, what do you say when, you know, your bestie turns around all of a sudden and says, I found a lump in my breast. And particularly, I think, when you've been exposed to others with breast cancer, and breast cancer has hit your family very hard. Straight away, your brain starts racing. So, yeah, there was a lot of internal dialogue. And I went, and have you made an appointment? And I went, no. And then probably had another one. Yes. Yes, we did. There was definitely another, not a bottle. I think we were too far gone. There was another glass of wine after that to discuss what needed to happen next. Well, I don't know. I just, I don't think I even told anyone. That's how low on the radar it was concerning-wise for me. Yes. And then, at the end of January, I felt it again, and it was bigger. Like, it was noticeably bigger. And then, then I went, oh. And it was 1am again. Yay. Magic. So, I got onto Hot Doc and immediately booked in to the doctors. So, I went to the GP that week, and he had a feel, and he said, yep, there's definitely a lump there. So, I'm just going to get you into a mammogram and an ultrasound. This is quite normal. You know, standard procedure. Almost every single time, it comes back benign. So, don't worry, basically. Yep. When I read the referral, he had put on there, like, emergency. Not emergency, but- Urgent. Urgent. Thank you. Urgent. And so, I thought, oh, he's just being really proactive. Like, he was a new doctor. What a proactive guy. Yeah. Go you, guy. Yeah. So, the next week, I had the mammogram and ultrasound, and that was my first, that was my first stage of panic. I went by myself. Yep. I went to, yeah, had the mammogram first, and they did both breaths, and the left breath, and then the nurse went out, and then she came back, and she said, oh, the radiographer just wants to magnify the images on the left-hand side, so I had to go back in. So, yeah, I was getting more and more nervous and more and more paranoid looking for signs of seriousness. Yes, like micro-expressions on people's faces. Yes, what you were saying, what you weren't saying, how long it took before you came back in, and then I went into the ultrasound, and I had a young lady walk me in, and she started on the left breast again, and she kept moving over the spot, over and over and over, and then she left, and then an older lady came back in. She goes, I'm going to take over from here, and then I was like, and then. The reinforcements. Yeah. The experience. And so I think I was in there for 45, 50 minutes in the ultrasound room, and that's when I just started silently crying. I just had my hand over my, but I was doing the whole, like, catastrophizing. I was like, oh, my God, I've got cancer, I'm going to die, and then I was mapping out everything I had to do. In seven minutes. How many do I have left? But that poor nurse, I don't even know if the nurse, I didn't dare look at the nurse. I don't know, she probably sees that all the time. So then I left and rang you immediately. Yeah. And, yeah, I was quite anxious and crying, because I'm not a crier. Look, you're not, but you need to be. I'm learning. You are. We've done a lot of crying in the last 12 months, haven't we? Yeah, I even had a cry last week. Yeah, if you look at it, like, percentage-wise, this year. I'm making up for lost time. You really are, and it's so necessary. Yeah, I don't like it, though. It's very tiring. It's cathartic. You've got to get that stuff out. Yeah. You've taught me to do that. Yeah. Or it will manifest as something else. Yes, and I felt like the whole first month since diagnosis, all I did was try to keep everything in, because I didn't want to alarm anyone. Yes. So I didn't cry. I prefaced everything with, everything's going to be okay, everything's going to be, do you know what I mean? Yes. So, yeah, it was like it was building up, and it was up to my neck. Yeah. By the time the next time I had a moment, which we'll talk about in a minute. Yeah. Yeah, so you just talked me through that. I had the biopsy, I think, a few days later, and that confirmed my diagnosis. It was quite, the mass was rather large. It was almost six centimeters in length. That is like, when you have small breaths. Yes, quite. That is considerable, isn't it? Yeah, for the comparison. Yeah. It was about three and a half centimeters width, and a couple of centimeters deep. So when I went back to the GP, even after the biopsy, I didn't really realize, but you know how you get all the notes, and then you just go onto Google and try to define yourself, everything else I was trying to put two and two together. But I went to the GP for the follow-up, and he said, oh, okay, I'm going to have to book him into a breast surgeon, because he didn't tell me I had cancer, but he apologized. He said, I'm sorry this has happened to you. So, yeah, he didn't say I had cancer, but I knew I had cancer. But I think it was not until I got into the car, I'm like, oh, I've got cancer. Oh, that's why, because I was Googling the carcinoma in situ. As soon as your butt hit that car seat. Yeah, and then I was taking pictures of it, sending it off to Phil. Yeah, so I rang Phil first. Darling Phil. Darling Phil, and I knew he's a soft soul. He really is. Like Maddie, he's a soft soul. And so I knew that this would really freak him out, and so I tried to stay very calm for him. I also had to go to my sister's house, because we were organizing a charity the next week, and we had like a big organization committee thing. So, you know, everything just kept moving. I just keep kind of, how did you describe it? When you're, everything's going insane inside, but you're performing. Crazy calm. Crazy calm. Yeah. Yeah, it's like a duck. I'm good at the crazy calm. You know, how they talk about a duck on the lake, and it looks like it's gliding across, but its little legs are just going underneath. Yeah. And you just get on with it, because it is so insane that there's no other option but to keep going. Yeah. It was, so that was a Thursday night when I finally found out. The breast surgeon rang me, and I just happened to be going on a 10-day trip to Queensland the very next day. So I was going, it was just a low-key holiday. We were driving up, just seeing Phil's family, and then I was going away with my school, high school best friends, and like wrapping that up in the last four days, Phil was throwing me out on the way back. Yeah. So it was, yeah, it was an absolute blessing in disguise, because I had to tell work. I, you know, I was just trying to put everything in place. Well, I didn't actually know anything. So the breast surgeon rang me that afternoon, or maybe the next morning, and the same thing again. She said, look, I have to see you. I can't talk to you about your diagnosis until I see you. And I said that I had to go away. Until I see you in about two weeks. And it's funny, because like we're in post-COVID times. Like Zoom. Yeah. Teams. What's that? Telehealth? Telehealth. Telehealth. Yeah. Skype me, babe. Yeah, no. Just Skype me. Tell me. Tell me the good news. So in person over technology. Yeah. Yeah. That's right. But no. So I don't know if it's a rule. I don't know if that's just, I don't know, patient care, consideration of well-being, whatever it is, which I totally get. But I could not see her for two weeks. And so I had this two-week kind of period where I just had to kind of embark on life, but actually think about what I was going to do. But it wasn't your normal life. If you were in your normal life, it would have been a very different experience. But it was just so timely that you had those ten days of literally going away with your family, not at work. Yeah. Because I would have worked for that whole two weeks. Oh, you would have numbed out. Yeah. You would have numbed yourself out with work, but you had to sit in that waiting time in that void. It was quite a difficult time. It was a very interesting time. Yeah. It was the best thing that ever happened. It was. And I recognize that lots of men and women, they don't get to be afforded with that time. Yeah. So I was very lucky. I have an early form of cancer as well. So if it was later stages of cancer, I probably would have had to cancel the trip. Yeah. So it wasn't as bad as other people's experiences. This is just my experience. Yeah. And on the way up, my sister said, you need to ring one of her best friends because her best friend is married to a breast surgeon who lived up north. And so I rang her and she said, send me all your reports and he will look at them when he finishes work. And so, yeah, what an amazing man. Yeah. The life of a breast surgeon, like I've seen it, you've seen it. Yeah. Imagine the hours. Oh. Like we complain about the little time we have. He looked at it late Friday night. I gave him all my passwords. And then Megan rang me the next day and we were halfway up to Queensland. So we must have left on Saturday. And the boys got out and did their thing and gave me some time. The whole way to Kempsey, the six hours driving, I had already decided what I was going to do. Yeah. Because I'd made up what was going to happen, even though no one had told me. Yeah. So Chrissy's story, Chrissy's pathway was go to surgery, get that thing cut out, sew it up, maybe have radiation, move on with my life. Just like. Simple. Barely inconvenient really. Yeah. When you. Yeah. Be back at work in a couple of days. Yeah. Yeah. So that's what I was rolling with. So I was pretty calm. Yeah. I remember having a conversation with you during that early period. And you were telling me, I remember you ended a few conversations with, and I'm not going to die. And I'm like, well, no, you're probably not. But you also have no idea what's going on. I love how you've created your own path here. I know. It's one of those toxic positivity. Yes. I suffer from it quite often. But I feel this experience. I mean, I know we're digressing from your story a little bit here, but I feel you do not have that anymore. It's almost completely gone from your personality type. That overly, it was almost a dismissive, it was dismissing anything that wasn't the positive outcome. Yeah, that's right. And it was really annoying for my family too. I think it's just when you care about someone too, and you want them to be able to cope the best they can with whatever they're delivered. Toxic positivity has no place in this. It's not helpful for anyone. It's not helpful. Yeah. Yeah. And it can be quite offensive. Yeah. But then you got the information. So your friend's husband, who's the breast surgeon, now had all your info. He knows, because that's what he does, what's actually going on. Yeah. So she was just so amazing. So she is the nurse for his business. So she is an absolute expertise, has absolute expertise in this field. So the first thing she said to me is, I just want you to be prepared that you are likely to lose your breast. Yeah. And this is why. And she talked about how, because the mass is so large compared to the actual size of my breast and the healthy tissue that you have to take around it, there'd be nothing left. Yeah. So they're likely to offer you a mastectomy. And I was like, oh. And so I was madly writing all this down. So you hadn't even considered that up to that point. No. That might be the reality of what you're facing. She talked about other procedures, like a lap dorsi procedure. She spoke about immediate reconstruction, delayed reconstruction. She talked about a double mastectomy and the conversation that I would need to have with my surgeon if that was the case, because I would be ultimately removing healthy tissue from my body. And depending on the surgeon is dependent on how hard and difficult that conversation would be. Yeah. So she pretty much walked me through every single scenario. I was madly writing it down. And then the back half of Queensland tree was very different. Wasn't it? Because sunshine, lollipops and rainbows had been removed. And so Phil and Jude came back in. So I couldn't tell Phil because Jude is in the back seat. And Jude is my sensitive soul. He is. So I had to be really careful with how I told him. Yeah. And Jude was very connected to you and your lifespan. Yes. Yes. And I still remember that 10 days being really hard for him because we were talking it out. Like once I told Phil, talking it out scenarios like benefits, positives, negatives, you know, all of that kind of stuff. And he had to say to me, Mum, you need to stop talking about it because he was getting so, yeah, uptight about it. And it's so hard. Like that's the thing. You were afforded time. You were afforded your husband next to you. And then you had to take into consideration that your child's in the back seat as well. So I just had to say nothing. Very intense. Yeah. So I just cried. So it was like, it was actually a cry I've never ever done before. It was just quiet. Yeah. And then it just was nonstop. I just couldn't stop it. Grief. Yeah. Early stages of just grief. Yeah. Then we got, we were staying at the mother-in-law's. Who's lovely. Knowing this gated community. I love Nana Kel. She's really sweet right now too. So we were there for that time and it was just slow, really slow week, but also really quick. Yeah. I remember my second moment where I couldn't sleep, but I was so tired. I needed to talk it out, but I couldn't talk it out. Yeah. It was, yeah, it was just really challenging. And the gated community had very little public areas. So I remember just walking, trying to find like some green space. Yeah. So I could scream. Yeah. With no one around. And that's when I rang you. Yeah. And then I remember us talking about, because I started thinking if I only have a single mastectomy, I was really, really anxious about having the single mastectomy. Scared about getting implants and wanting to consider a double mastectomy, but feeling guilty for wanting a double. So I was really conflicted with, you know, why would I get rid of the other one just so I feel better. So I was kind of struggling with that. And you spoke to me about that. Yeah. And I remember that conversation. I remember thinking about you and knowing you so well and how you feel about your body and, you know, which we'll get into in other episodes as well. I felt from the beginning that you would go double and that's where you would be happiest if you, if you went that way. And Phil was exactly the same. Yeah. Are you going to be okay with a single and what you'll look at every day in the mirror? Absolutely. Are you going to be happy? Yeah. And again, like as we go through this process of storytelling and telling our stories and other people listening, this is so individual, isn't it? Yeah. Because someone else might go, well, at least I've, I can keep one breath, you know, it's so individual. The relationship you have with your breath, your body, you know, your feelings towards that. Yeah. All contributes to the decision. If you're lucky enough to get a decision, mind you. Exactly. You know, I'm not lost on the people that actually don't get that decision. And so I'm very grateful that I had the option and the time to think it through. And I often think if I only had the 48 hours or the 24 hours or whatever, I think I would have just been focused on the surgery. Yes. But the 10 days afforded me to imagine, well, let's think about after the surgery, my life after and how I'll navigate and be in the world post life. So I was really doing a lot of thinking about that. So the 10 days came and went. And then I had my initial breast surgeon consultation. I do love my, I do love my breast surgeon. She's, I described her as like a nutty professor. Those people who are incredibly bright that might forget to wear underwear or something or like come to work with a shirt inside out. So yeah, she's, she's very kind. She's very empathetic and incredibly considerate in her delivery. So the very first time I met her, I just, I felt safe. Yes. And that's so important, isn't it? Like even though you had that delay and you hadn't got the information you quite wanted, you knew that she was a safe person. And I think that makes a huge difference in this situation. Yes. Yeah. And I think because I came informed and I had that second opinion, even though it was an unofficial second opinion, I was very lucky to get it. Yes. And I often wonder if I would have gone to get the second opinion. I probably wouldn't have. No, I don't think, I don't think so either. When you, like in that situation and then she's delivering the news and I booked your surgery for whenever, like a week or two weeks or whatever. Do you go, hang on, I'm just going to go and check with someone else first. I don't know that a lot of people do. Yeah, or would have the time. Yeah, that's right. Yeah. So she, she sat me down and she gave me the following options. She offered me a single mastectomy with an immediate reconstruction or a single mastectomy with a delayed reconstruction pending the biopsy of the tissue in case there was a later stage, it was more than DCIS because the mass was so big. And when you do a biopsy, they only take a portion of that. Yeah. So there was still the unknown of whether I'd had to have radiation chemo after. Yeah. And then immediately she brought the implants out. So there were big ones, small ones, smooth ones, textured ones. It's like, you imagine like on a drinks trolley. Yeah. They just bring it in. What can I make for you? Yeah. It's like that kind of thing. In order of like, you know, she described one as, oh, this is the Rolls Royce. Yeah. And at that point, I was so incredibly anxious because I knew what I wanted to do by then, but she hadn't offered it to me. Yeah. So I knew that I had to, I was so terrified of not telling her what I wanted, but if she would... Say no. Yeah. Or try to, you know, change my mind. Yes. So I asked her, would you support my decision if I wanted a double mastectomy? And her reply was, it is your body and I will completely respect your decision. And yes, I will do that for you. How amazing. That is so amazing. It is amazing. Because that is not the response that always happens. No, it's not. And I will talk a bit more about why that's not always offered. Yes. Even though she was happy to do it. Yes. Because I think, yeah, that's something that needs to be more deeply explored. Yes, absolutely. But I don't want to, I don't want that to take away from how much, how happy I was with her. Yeah. But also, it's so important to advocate for yourself. Absolutely. And what you're going to say and have it ready to say. Absolutely. So those are two kind of takeaways I got from that. Yes. So then when she said that, she said, you've got 48 hours to decide and I'm going to ring you and we'll confirm and then we'll put your surgery date in for two weeks' time. And so I asked her if we could move the surgery back because... Did you have a project on the burn? A little one. I was supposed to be doing a keynote for my work and I, yeah, and I didn't want to do the keynote because I was so stressed and so anxious. But the thought of having to call someone and say, I'm sorry, when it's been advertised and that I can't do that anymore. Yeah. And not being able to explain why, because I'm not going to tell them why to a stranger. Yeah. So yeah, that just made me feel sick. My surgeon just said, oh, you don't have any leave. I said, no, no, I have plenty of leave. And she said, well, no, I'm not changing. Yeah. Good on her. Good on her. Okay. Anyway, that was another lesson. I was going to say, and what else did you learn from that, Christy? The humbling realization that everyone's replaceable, including myself. Everyone is replaceable. And my dear Rosie did it for me and she did an exceptional job. Fantastic. Good on you, Rosie, for teaching this woman that it is okay for her to put herself first and she can be replaced if needed. Yes. And then I had another big cry. What's that? Big cry number three? Yeah. Phil and I, we both cried all the way home. That was a hard cry. Yeah. That was just cold, hard realization. Yeah. And yeah, that was hard. And Phil messaged all my sisters. Wow. And my best friend, Jamie. That was going to be one of my questions, too, was about because you had such a large family, did you just put it on your family chat? How did you get this across six siblings and your parents? Cass, if there's one thing about my family, there are no freaking secrets. So even if you wanted to keep a secret, you know who definitely not to tell first. Yeah. Because... By the time... They could go to the virus. To be honest, I think I'm the most trustworthy. I've been tasked with secrets that I've defied all odds and kept to myself. Look, even just the pressure of knowing you hold the secret is like water torture in your family. Oh. It's like drip, drip, drip, drip. It's just unbelievable. And I have so many hilarious stories that I could write a book on around failed attempts at secret pregnancies. So good. Whatever. Scandals. It's exactly what it's like. I've only been privy to watching you rapidly text. Like even an example last week where our brother, he's the only boy, finally got a girlfriend. And so, yeah, my father rang me last week and said, oh, I can't come round to do the jit rocking. We've got a visitor tonight and I've got to get the house clean. I went, oh, who is it? That's... And he went, Jack's girlfriend. Harry, you dirty dog. Dad's the one just letting the cat out of the bag. He would have loved that. And I was so excited. I got teary. So upsetting. Anyway, so we hung up and then I got on the blower. I know I just said I keep secrets, but I couldn't help it. And so got in the sissy's chat and went, Jack's girlfriend is coming over for dinner tonight and Dad's not doing the jit rocking. That's the reason why. Anyway, so everyone... Oh, no, no, sorry. I didn't do that. We'll scrap that bit. I got on the blower and I had to do it really suspensefully and say, Dad can't come. Dad can't come to do my jit rocking today because there's a special visitor coming tonight. And I can just imagine the kaboom. Who? Why? Where? How? And all these. Yeah, all these. Anyway, so then in that meantime, Dad rang me back. It was like 30 seconds. Dad goes, oh, shit. Don't tell anyone. He said, I'm not actually supposed to tell anyone. I went, oh, well, I may or may not have sent a cryptic message to my sisters. He said, but I literally just got off the phone to you. Oh, yeah, I know. Sorry, you don't know how this works, Dad. You're on the outer, mate. He knew. He knew and he loved it. He released it. Well, by that night, my sisters had strategically found reasons to drop in. Of course. Yeah. Why wouldn't you? And cancer diagnosis was no different. Sorry, I interrupted your story about Phil calling your sisters and Jamie to come over. Yeah, so by the time I got home, oh, my God, I looked like absolute shit because I'd just like done this ugly crying and had a shower and then I came out and they were all just there. They had wine, food. How beautiful. And it was the most funniest night. Like, we laughed and yeah, it was a really, I look back on that night, it was like the worst day, but the best day. Yeah. How beautiful. Anyway, that happened. And then, yeah, I can't actually remember because I had to go to that charity thing. My sister was there. So I told her and she's the worst one to tell. She's the virus. Do we name her? We totally name her Renee. And so, yeah, but she was like, so you have cancer? I went, I think so. She goes, oh, my God. I said, but we can't talk about it. Yeah. And I told mum and then, yeah, the telling is really hard because it's hard to say it out loud. I can control my internal thoughts, but saying it out loud is hard and I worry about the other person getting upset. I avoided a lot of it because I thought about who would I feel horrible about that found out about my cancer if I hadn't have told them. Yes. So I messaged those people and just said, just for you, I'm going to be fine. And then I didn't have to say it out loud, but then I didn't also feel terrible that, you know. Yeah. They found out someone else. Yep. Totally. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. 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