Hideki's final cut

The speaker introduces a segment where they have to come up with new stand-up comedy material every week. They mention that if they do this for a year, they will have written a significant amount of material. They then share some jokes related to teaching English to people in Asian countries online. They talk about a student who moved from Japan to Rwanda and made a comment about genocide. They also joke about how Asian people age better and how it can be difficult to tell someone's age in those countries. They end by saying that this is the golden age of comedy and invite others to contribute to their segment. Welcome to this week's installment of open mic. If you're still listening, you are a survivor and we commend you for it. A little background on the segment, my producer and co-host Lance is holding me accountable to three to four minutes of new stand-up comedy material every week. This is a weekly show. If we do it for a year, do the math, I will have written between 150 and 200 minutes of new stand-up comedy material. In other words, I will be the most prolific writer in the history of stand-up comedy having written the equivalent of three HBO or Netflix specials in one year. What I'm saying is folks, if they're not all bangers, please don't get upset. I am trying as hard as I can and with that let's go to the material. This week's material will all relate to me teaching English to people in Asian countries online. I had a student the other day tell me that he had recently moved from Japan to Rwanda. I'm like a good American. I vaguely remembered Rwanda so I said, Rwanda? I heard that they have some things going on there. To which he replied, yeah, genocide. So now there's a Japanese dude that thinks that I look at genocide the way someone might look at a flat tire or a long line at the checkout counter in your grocery store. Like, man, that genocide really threw me off my routine today, huh? Pesky little bugger that mass execution. Am I right, guy? Netflix, by the way, if you're listening, let's cut the shit. Nobody on your roster has cornered the market on genocide material the way I have. Let's get the pens out and let's start citing some contracts and get me on air, my friends. Premise number two, my teaching. If it's taught me anything, I think it's that Asian people age a lot better than us in the Western world. I had a student who I thought was maybe 15 years younger than me, minimum, tell me that she was about to retire to travel the world and I was like, wow, my age radar is so off. I probably missed that one by like 40 years and that got me thinking, it's got to be hard for men in these Asian countries because you could be talking to a girl that you think it's perfectly fine and she could actually be so young, Chris Wallace from To Catch a Predator is going to jump out of a bush and tackle you and make you the next star of a show. Or on the other hand, she could have a titanium hip and be Miyagi's first high school girlfriend. That's right, she was there for Miyagi's first wax on wax off session. Conversely, in some of the white countries, especially where people still smoke, you could be talking to some cute old catcher's mitts and you could ask her how many grandchildren she has and she'd be like, grandchildren? I'm 27 years old, you son of a bitch, and you're like, 27? How is that possible? Are you literally chain-smoking Marlboros inside a tanning bed? What have you done to yourself? That's right people, premise number two involves a reference to a movie from 1982 and a show that's 25 years old. To my defense, I did not feel like googling what's the new To Catch a Predator on my work computer. I thought the following feeds might be a little incriminating. Moving on to my next earth-shattering premise. Folks, I think it's safe to say this next block in the very near future will be referred to as the golden age of comedy. I had another student, we'll call him Hideki, we will change his name to protect the identity of someone that only exists in this premise. Hideki said to me, Matt, I like to dance. Do you like to dance? And I try to give my students some phrases that they might not read in the textbook, something they might hear on a trip to the old US of A. So I said, Hideki, I don't like to dance because I was born with two left feet. And folks, it's safe to say that one didn't land. Hideki turned white as a ghost and immediately started laying into me, you freak show. Matt, you're a freak. You're a carny. You should work for the circus. You should travel from town to town so rednecks can come to your little tent and pay to see the man with two left feet. Matt, you are disgusting. And I said, Hideki, slow down. Only a few minutes ago you could barely say the days of the week in English and now you start busting my balls and you have Shakespeare's command of the English language. Give me a break, Hideki. And with that I conclude this week's portion of Open Mic. Folks, if you're interested in helping me punch up some of my jokes or you would like to have your own segment of Open Mic, please contact us at seniors94.mattandlance at gmail.com. Thanks for hanging in there, everybody, and good night now.