11232022_LbT_Isolation

Loneliness is on the rise despite the ability to connect with others instantly. Before the pandemic, 61% of adults reported feeling lonely, and 73% of young workers felt alone. Post-pandemic, the loneliness epidemic persists, with 79% of young adults feeling lonely. Loneliness is not always someone's fault, as friendships can naturally fade or be disrupted by life events. Factors like social media misuse, disruptions caused by the pandemic, and the lack of deep, in-person conversations contribute to loneliness. Building genuine connections through in-person or virtual interactions can help mitigate loneliness. On today's episode of Living by Thriving, we live in a very interesting time. You can talk to, connect with, reach out to anyone in the world in a matter of seconds. Yet at the same time, loneliness is on the rise. According to a Cigna U.S. Loneliness Index report before the pandemic, 3 out of every 5 adults, or 61%, reported that they sometimes or always feel lonely. And among workers aged 18-22, 73% reported sometimes or always feeling alone. This was a pre-pandemic study. Now going to Cigna's study post-pandemic, we see that the statistics have not gotten better, understandably so. The latest Cigna study shows that 79% of adults aged 18-24 report feeling lonely, as the Cigna article states, the loneliness epidemic persists. And so, it's quite a conundrum if we think about it. We are connected so many different ways, yet feel lonely. We are isolated, and yet we can be contacted or contact someone in seconds. Well how can this be? And before I address the contents of this podcast, I do want to say that yes, these are studies. Studies may not be 100% accurate in the data they report. And so even if the Cigna study that I referenced is not 100% accurate, that does not mean that someone else you know is not going through this epidemic of isolation, loneliness. But why is that the case? Why is this impacting so many people, especially those in the young adults category? And why and how can this be mitigated? How can this be changed? There's a variety of factors and arguments that anyone can make why loneliness persists, but let's zoom out for a bit and acknowledge the fact, first of all. It does persist. It does exist. As it ties in with mental health issues that are experienced by lots of people today. It ties in with other issues, conflicts that occur within the family, outside of the family, in social structures, in positions of life people are in. Of course we know the world is broken, but yet at the same time, the logic behind that may not add up at first. As Christians, we want to live by thriving, hence the name of this podcast, Living by Thriving. We want to thrive in all that we say, do, and think. Of course, feeling lonely and isolated is not something you would consider or call thriving. And that's okay. There are highs and lows in life. So I think the first thing I want to address tonight or today is that sometimes loneliness and isolation is not directly someone's fault. Sometimes friends or so-called friends will leave you. Or in lighter terms, you may lose contact with them. That's not something that necessarily was either person's fault, that's just something that happens as a result of life. In those cases, it's not anyone's fault, that's just how it goes. Sometimes isolation can have implications of responsibility on one party or another. Say someone was bad at communicating or someone was not honest in what they said or what they did or they betrayed someone or backstabbed them or whatever. Then you have an implication of responsibility for why relationships, friendships break down, why family connections crumble. And of course, the pandemic also did not help things. In fact, they made things worse in the sense of loneliness and isolation. I think a lot of people these past few years have felt more isolated because of the disruptions of their lives and they could never or they could barely get that old routine back. For example, I was in college during the beginnings of coronavirus. And that, of course, disrupted my graduation ceremony, it disrupted the class of 2020. But it didn't just stop with my class, it also disrupted the class of 2021. It may have also disrupted future generations in such a degree or level that is not completely clear at this time, other than that it will be a negative disruption. And of course, even now, the class of 2022 was impacted by the pandemic. They had semesters, years, perhaps, where they were Zooming or in other words, in the virtual space for their classes, for interactions with classmates, per se. They can't look to the people next to them to give a conversation or talk with them because who are they talking to? They're not talking to anyone, it's just a text chat. It's just interesting how things changed. We can't totally blame isolation on the pandemic, though, because as we said earlier, it made things worse. It's not the root cause of isolation and loneliness, besides the typical Sunday School answer that oh, if you have Jesus, then you are complete, which is true. But it may not help us feel, the fact may not help us feel less lonely, in this life at least. But besides that straightforward Sunday School answer, I'm not really going to dive into the root cause of isolation and loneliness, because these are complicated studies, people have spent much longer time talking about these papers and all that, so I'm not going to dive into the root causes of it, but I am going to talk about some of the factors that influence it and how we as Christians, if you are a Christian, how we can mitigate this in our own local communities and things we need to avoid, per se. So what are some of the factors that tie into loneliness and isolation? Again, I talked anecdotally about school, but it's not limited to college, it can be limited to, unlimited to, wherever. Well, one of the things that has been prevalent over the last 5 or 10 years, if not longer, is social media. Social media is a very easy thing to bash due to a variety of concerns, but let's not take that straightforward of an approach to this. Social media is a tool, a tool that can be used if one chooses to use it, and if someone does choose to use the tool, they can use it for good, productive means, ways to connect with people around them, to organize events, to know what's in the loop with other people's lives, but far too often what happens is social media becomes easily misused and abused. For example, just the stereotypes of social media, Facebook, is your parents' social media, Instagram is your perfect social media where everyone tries to look perfect on there, Twitter is your too-realistic social media where everyone complains about everything all the time, unceasingly, and then gets into arguments about people complaining about their complaints, and so on and so forth, Snapchat, you snap for your life in bits and pieces, people use TikTok and BeReal, I don't use either of those at the moment, but I'm sure you can come up with your examples for those as well. But yeah, social media, it has its pros and lots of cons, and regardless of whether you're using your social media accounts for good or not-so-good means, the fact remains that many people use them to try to substitute it for true, genuine friendships and relationships instead of as a compliment for that. What I mean by that is social media on its own will not give you the genuine satisfaction of a deep conversation with someone if all you do is like people's posts and react to them, maybe give them a one or two line response through text-based response. That gives you some parasocial activity and some interaction, and while those things are good in their own purpose and time, maybe a good way to connect with acquaintances, that's not the way you build deep friendships, I'm just going to say that straight up, it's not. You can't substitute genuine, in-depth conversations over a meal or just over wherever. The long form, that's what causes you to know someone else better, is long form conversations. You can't have that with everybody, don't get me wrong, and it's not like that's a goal you have to achieve with each person, but as you get to know people better, they get to know you better, and that's how strangers become friends, acquaintances, those who know each other. You have a conversation over a meal. I think just personally that lunch or dinner conversations with friends or even people who aren't your friends is one of the best ways you can get to know somebody, because everybody's got to eat a meal, everyone's got to consume food, so if you have to consume food and you maybe have a few extra dollars to spend to go out, you can go out with a friend to eat a meal, or you can invite a friend over to your place and cook them a meal, but regardless of how you eat the meal, as long as you eat it and have a conversation with someone occasionally, at the bare minimum, that's the way you can get to know someone better. You don't have to do that for every single meal, of course, but it's something that, when done appropriately, can lead to interesting conversations and better friendships. There's also a point I wanted to bring up about those conversations. Of course, while I would prefer a meal, that's just my opinion, and of course, any of these so-called advice-slash-ideas, they may not work for everybody, these are more of just suggestions instead of absolute hard line, you must do this or must do that, if another way works for you, stick with that, but if any of these suggestions or tips or advice works, then that's great, because I know it works for me in a sense of getting to know people better, having a meal over a conversation. In lines with that, you don't have to have a meal with someone to get to know them, in fact, you don't even need to be sitting next to them face-to-face, you can get to know people virtually as well, it's a part of the 21st century, you meet people, all kinds of people, virtually, whether you just scroll as I sit on social media and see people's names and posts, or whether you're on, say, a Discord server, or whether you're on a different type of social media where you can talk to someone, a group chat, or any kinds of means that's virtual, whether it's for gaming, leisure, recreation, work, or other purposes, you can also get to know people through there if that's the only means you have. Again, my opinion is that it's always best to have the in-person interactions and connections to build up those friendships, but sometimes that may not be an option, maybe they live far away, maybe their schedule's too busy for a long amount of time, maybe you're just not that close and just want to talk to someone to get to know them virtually. That's all fine and dandy. The problem, though, is that a lot of times virtual connections can be shallow because your connection with someone isn't because you want to know that person better, it's because both people, you and the other person, do the same activity, and so what that means is you both are interested in a certain hobby or a certain interest that is common between both of you, and you are friends or acquaintances because of that interest, not because you want to know each other better as a top priority. While that does not mean don't ever get to know people who just have common interests with you, I think it's a matter of perspective in this regard. Common interest is a great way to get started to know someone better. If you both like something that's the same thing or similar, that's a great conversation starter. It's just not the conversation ender if you want to build a genuine friendship. That can't be the only thing you talk about. You can't know someone and ask them to be a friend or hope that they'll become a close friend if it's just the common interest that you talk about, just the same interest that you're interested in. That's a lot of interest, but you know what I mean. It just cannot be the only thing. It needs to be the foundation where you build off of to know them better. Again, I'll say this one more time because I think this is an important distinction to make. I am not saying do not try to find friends who have common interests with you or that friends and acquaintances with common interests are bad, or even that having people who are just acquaintances with common interests is bad either. I'm not saying any of those three things, but what I am saying is that if you expect to have genuine friendships with people, interest can be a good place to start, but it can't be the only thing. That's what I'm trying to say. There's one thing to remember from the past three minutes is that. And I feel like people can tend to mix it up or forget about the latter portion just because they're all interested in the same thing. And people can argue, oh, maybe certain habits or certain things that people do, talents, hobbies, et cetera, certain hobbies are better at conducing friendships than others. Maybe so, maybe not. I'm not totally sure if that's the case. If it works for you, that's great. Otherwise, it doesn't. And whether you learn it sooner or later, soon you'll learn the lesson. So it's important to make sure that you have proper expectations and proper communication with people so that you know which people you do grow closer to as friends and those who are just acquaintances. Again, nothing's wrong with having acquaintances, but it is important to know the difference. Not knowing the difference can cost you down the line because you have misplaced priorities, misplaced expectations, misplaced communication. You reveal too much to someone who doesn't know you that well, you reveal too little to someone who knows you better and can give you better advice if you mix it up. So it's important to be careful about that and know the roles people have in your lives. And those roles are dynamic. They can change. Maybe you grow further away from a friend. You grow closer to an acquaintance so that the roles switch. Totally fine. Don't put it in a box. Don't engrave it on a stone, the roles. Just know that those roles are dynamic, but they are what they are currently for a reason. So it's important to keep that in mind. So again, I'm not saying in-person is good, virtual bad. I'm not saying hobbies that are the similar things are only good for acquaintances. I'm just saying be aware of how much you really know somebody. And so we've touched upon the pandemic and even before the pandemic, things that have been causing loneliness, isolation. It could be pressures and stress from family. In this day and age, it can be economic reasons that make you feel isolated. Even before COVID, just social media, all that type of stuff. Perhaps the technology just becomes overwhelming. People need to take a break from all of that and then their break is not limited to a prudent amount of time. They take excessive breaks. Or maybe it's the opposite. They work themselves too hard. They are ambitious, which is good, but too ambitious. And thus they don't make time to make friendships or keep connections. Again, as Christians, we know we're not created to live lives alone. We're created to live lives in community, especially godly community, but absolutely in communion with fellow brothers and sisters in Christ. As I've talked about in earlier episodes, not living in that church-based community will lead to trouble down the road as your doctrine, theology, beliefs go unchecked. Where no Christian can tell you, hey, maybe you should reconsider this or that. It'll just go unchecked because you have no one to keep you in check. No one to keep you accountable. No one you can disciple or vice versa. None of that. So it's important to continue to stay in godly community wherever you can. It doesn't matter which church necessarily you're in as long as you're in the one that God wants you to be in. And we can touch upon which one, we can talk about which one God wants you to be in, God's will, maybe in a future episode because that's another interesting topic, how to discern the will of God. But that's for another day. But I want to talk more about the church today, not with the conceptual fact that yes, it's important to be in church, but what happens when people who go to church feel isolated and alone? Of course that shouldn't be the case, but to ignore the fact that people don't feel isolated, excuse me, ignoring the fact that people feel isolated in church, have been hurt by church, and leave church, ignoring that fact helps no one. So we have to talk about it. What happens when those who go to church feel isolated? Of course there is a variety of possibilities for why this takes place, but we're going to cut the extreme situations where either the person themselves doesn't seek genuine relationships in church, they're there for nefarious purposes. We're also going to exclude the other extreme where the church institution itself does not want outsiders to join. Both extremes are terrible, but both extremes as well are small proportions. I guess I would say in churches, or just in Christian communities in general, there is a danger that exists. As you get to know so-and-so people better, and rightfully so, as you grow closer with people, and you are making your friendships with people, as we talked about earlier, making friends, rightfully so, again, nothing wrong with that, but there is a danger to that where we eventually come upon an artificial, self-imposed barrier where we say, okay, enough is enough. I don't really need to be friendly to other people as much as the ones I'm friendly to already. Now, you may be thinking, whoa, whoa, whoa, I don't think that. Of course I want to be friendly to everyone. Well, of course we can tell ourselves that, but if we look back at the people we spend time with, we'll notice that there's a disproportionate amount of time we spend with some compared to others in church and Christian community, which, again, is not necessarily bad, but it becomes bad if we ignore outsiders or those around us who are trying to integrate into the Christian community, and we ignore their signs, their trying to communicate that. It doesn't have to be verbal. They may express interest in other ways, such as interest for events, interest to try to get to know people better, et cetera. It doesn't have to be the best communication style is what I'm trying to say, but if Christians are stuck in cliques and small circles, then we will miss that. We will miss the signs of the outside world trying to get to know us better and to join us in church because we have excluded them, because we have, in our own personal biases and favoritism, decided in our hearts that we want to be friends to these people, be friendly to these other people, and that's enough on my plate, because I'm busy, I have XYZ reasons, I don't need to talk as much to other people than the ones who like me the best. It's human nature to do that, so don't feel disappointed or ashamed if you've done that. Okay, maybe not ashamed, maybe disappointed, but regardless, it's important to acknowledge the fact people cater to those who like them better, who serve their interests better. It's human nature. The sooner we recognize that fact, the sooner we can take measures to work against that, and it's not just our measures, but also God's measures through the Holy Spirit working in us. You see, the church should be more like a hospital, not a fancy institution. What I mean by that is the church is full of sick people, full of those who need spiritual food, spiritual drink, those who are spiritually dying, even if they go to church every single week, even if they put on the Christian act well. There may be, if not certainly are, people in the church who are spiritually dead and need to be revived. That's why the church as the hospital works to revive the sick, because if you are healthy, you don't need to see the doctor. You don't need to go to the hospital if you're completely healthy and you knew it. The hospital would have no point. But of course, Jesus, he came for those in need, not the healthy, but the sick. Of course, all of us have flaws, and thus in some way or form are sick. But regardless of the technicality, if you view church as more like a higher-up institution where only those who pass a certain grade can get in, or a certain economic status can get into the church and have the statuses that other Christians do, then we're doing it wrong. We're doing it incorrectly. We're putting up artificial walls and barriers to the church that aren't there. Sure, there's church discipline, and disciplinary measures need to be invoked for extreme cases, as I mentioned earlier, but that's cherry-picking the extremes that are the small minority instead of focusing on the majority case basis where it clicks, exclude those who want to enter the church. Thus, we make the church into an institution that accepts higher-ups only instead of a hospital where all are welcome in, all of their ailments, they come as they are and are treated as they are. And again, maybe it does sound harsh that we exclude people. I know sometimes I'm feeling tired. I feel like I don't want to talk to some people because I'm just fatigued. I want time on my own to recover, even just at home, per se. Or at church, I want to talk with a couple people at least. I only have a certain amount of times I'm going to talk with X or Y, and then that's about it. Sometimes I feel like that, I'll be honest. But at the same time, that's not how it should be. If someone comes up to talk to you and they want to get to know you better, you should try to get to know them. You shouldn't just treat them as small talk and then move on in a few seconds. Maybe it's not exactly like that. Maybe you talk to them longer. But again, it's a mindset. It's not necessarily, you did this, you should have done that. It's a mindset. People who feel like outsiders in church will leave the church. People who feel accepted by the church may still leave later, if they don't like the church's teachings. But maybe they don't leave. Maybe that's how they get started in the church. We can't kick out people from the church or tell them they're not welcome verbally, explicitly, or non-explicitly before they even have a chance to know what it's all about. They have their conceptions about church. Maybe misconceptions, sure, but conceptions nevertheless. The last thing we want to do is to validate misconceptions through our habits, through the way we treat people who we don't know as well, or maybe we don't like as much. There are people we like and people we don't like. That's just human nature. But again, as Christians, what we do is we cast aside the right to do things that go against Christ. We cast aside that right. We could do it, but we choose to let it go, even if it feels difficult, such as loving our enemies. We choose to do it, not because it's easy to do, but because we're disciples and followers of Christ, because that's what we're supposed to do. So we give up our right to not do that, even though we may be deserved in a court of law, per se, for enemies. But again, looping back just a bit, we need to be careful as Christians not to live in such a way that the only people who ever want to stay in church are the people we like. We just can't do that. The world is hungry. The world is longing for someone or something that can fill this isolation, this loneliness in their hearts, in their minds, and in their souls. And they will find something. Don't get me wrong. They will find something. But what will they find? Will they find something that just leads to more emptiness and brokenness and decay? Or will they find someone who can satisfy their eternal desires in ways that no mortal being can? In order for them to find someone who can, they first must be introduced to him. And how are people introduced to God? Through Christians, through the church, through believers. People may still reject the gospel, even though we offer the gospel as an invite, as the good news. But we still preach it anyways, because it's the right thing to do, because it's what Christ has commanded us to do. We open the church doors to everyone to come as they are, but not stay as they are. And some may not like the second half and they may leave, but we still do what we must do. Come as you are. We don't stop doing the right thing just because the circumstance and the end outcome may not be what we want. The point is obedience to the commandments, not an expectation of a result of reward for obedience to the commandments. Man, it is sad to see, it is very sad to see people who feel isolated, longing for someone or something, feel like the church rejects them. It is really sad to see that, at least in my opinion. It is sad to see Christians choose to view people as outsiders just because they're different to them in some way. Christians must remember that before we were saved as Christians, we are just like the unbelieving world. It's not like we did more to deserve what we have now. And the unbelieving world is sinful and we commit sins we don't like and despise because they are lost. And maybe if they are found, and perhaps once they are found, then they repent and then they change. But because they aren't doing that, because they're by default not in the church, not in Jesus, why should we expect them to live according to the gospel? It makes no sense. Of course these things may be easy to understand theoretically in the head, it's hard to put it in practice, is the dilemma for many things in life. So how do we put this into practice? What can we do to avoid church cliques, to avoid making outsiders to the church actually feel isolated and not welcome? How can we get the outsider to the church to be the insider, to be integrated into the church, to realize that, hey, my friend, just as you feel like an outsider now, I was also an outsider. I was also committing these sins. I was also lost. I was also doing XYZ. No difference. The only difference is the grace of Jesus Christ. That's the only thing that makes it different is Jesus. He is the only one. Not anything I did is what he did. When we let go of our inward feeling of superiority and have humility, I expect great things to happen through God. But again, backing up a bit, what do we do practically? Well, I'm going to split this into two parts here. Some people who are listening to this are feeling lonely. Some people may not be feeling lonely. You may be thinking, okay, yes, I know what you said. I know that in my head. Okay, but how do I do it? Well, patience. Patience. If those who are lonely question what to do, then I would say the following things. It doesn't have to be in this order. If you're a Christian and you feel lonely, you may be being punished by the world for doing what's right, but you have to persist through it knowing that in the end you have a great reward in store. And so I hope that brings you comfort. You know it already, but it's good to hear a reminder about it. Of course, try to get involved with your church and pray more if you are a Christian who feels lonely. Try to get involved in small groups or go more in depth if you can. I understand that work situations may not allow people to go as in depth as they want to, but as you can. God understands, so do what you can. If you feel lonely, regardless of whether you're a Christian or not, for the people, if you are blessed and are privileged to have people in your life you consider friends, be intentional with them. Talk to them. Talk with them often. Talk with them deeply. Understand them more. Be vulnerable with those you trust. Get to know them better. That way, they can be vulnerable with you, and you get to know them better, too. Thus, even if you have maybe just one friend or two friends, or maybe you have no friends, but you have acquaintances, but you trust them enough to at least start a conversation, then you can get to know them better. It may not work all the time, but it's worth a shot. But let's say you're in the worst case scenario, quote unquote. You don't have a church you go to, you have no community you're involved in, and you think you have no friends. And thus, you just don't have anyone you can talk to. Maybe except on the internet, or maybe not even that. Let's just assume not, for argument's sake. In that case, while it is difficult, it is important to have perspective about where you're at. Again, this may be a difficult thing to do. But to acknowledge that, yes, you are blessed if you're a Christian, and if you're not a Christian, you may think to yourself, at least you're fortunate enough, even though, of course, God has given you these things, but you won't believe that, so you'll feel fortunate that you have certain things, such as your physical provided, you have a roof above your head to sleep in, you have things that others don't have. And it's not that you should feel super good, oh, I have things other people don't. But it's just a perspective check. You do have these things, and you should be grateful for them, because life is unpredictable. You don't know when you're going to lose what you already have now. You don't know what you've got until it's gone. Try to enjoy what you have. It may not cure your loneliness, but at least it can make you feel more content, help you sleep better at night. And again, also jumping back to the previous point, try to be intentional, try to get to know people in work, try to get to know people as you meet them. You may not have friendships right away, you may not have it for a while, but habits start now. Good habits take a long time to develop, weeks at least. You can't just wait until the next day, because if you wait too long, you'll just forget and you won't do it anymore. So you need to build good habits now and intentionality. Reaching out to people. Of course, if you're a non-Christian, I advise you try out the church. Maybe you like it, maybe you don't, but what's the worst thing that can happen? Just try to go to a church, a local church, a body of believers. People you can talk to on Sunday, you can talk to them once a week, maybe you can start there. If you are adamant that you do not want to go to church or a religious body or institution, there's social clubs, climbing gyms, or just gyms in general, there's places you can go to where you can meet strangers, meet people, to try to talk to them. Of course, some people may say, oh, I feel like I don't want to talk to people, I feel like a complete introvert, I don't want to, I don't have enough energy to talk to people even though I want to talk to them, I just can't right now. Of course, try to get the rest that you can, but also there comes a point in time where you have to decide what you really want. Because you can't have everything. You can't have total privacy 24-7, 365, and also have no loneliness. That just doesn't go together. You have to choose to give up something for something else. It's a give or take. It's a trait. The more time you spend doing one thing, the less time you have doing another. That's life. Choices have consequences. So the choices you make determine what outcomes you receive. Now some things you can't control, many things you can't control, but some things you can. Keep that perspective in mind. Know that it's okay if you don't want to reach out to people and you want to stay in solitude. That's okay, but it is just okay. Don't force yourself if you don't feel like you can take it, obviously. But you will reap what you sow in the sense that if you try to make connections, you will find them, for better or for worse. And if you try to not make connections, you won't find them, for better or for worse. It's just a fact of life. What you work for, you either get or you learn. That you didn't get it, but you learned lessons from it. Don't be slothful if you can't help it. But yeah, loneliness is definitely something that can weigh on your mind. Don't lose heart if you feel like you've run out of options, that you think that I've tried everything, it just doesn't work. Keep hoping. Keep persisting. Life is beautiful. You get from God throughout all the ups and downs. Keep pushing through. Keep moving forward. Even if you feel like you've failed so many times in the past, know that God never gives up on you. He never will fail you. Even if you don't believe in God, keep pushing forward. Have hope. Life has a funny way of working. Some days are bad, some days are good. Keep persisting through all that. Besides, if you're a non-believer, you should know this just as well as believers do. You only have one life to live. Once it's over, from a non-believer's perspective, it's done. So live that life to the fullest. Live it fully, completely. Of course, as believers we have to be vigilant and on guard. We have to be vigilant and on guard and make sure that those who enter the church don't leave because they feel excluded. We have to be vigilant and on guard. We have to be vigilant and on guard. We have to be vigilant and on guard. We have to be vigilant and on guard. 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