S02E09 That's Grass

The podcast episode is a comedic conversation with satirical and entertainment purposes. The hosts discuss various topics, including one host's artwork at the Dallas State Fair and a bear named Hank the Tank breaking into houses in Lake Tahoe. They also talk about a statue erected in Istanbul to commemorate a cat and express mixed opinions about its artistic quality. The opinions expressed during this podcast are conversational in nature and expressed for comedic purposes. Not all the facts will be correct. This podcast and the incoherent rankings within are often satirical and for entertainment purposes only. Viewer discretion advised. Alright everybody, welcome in, welcome back. Another episode of Not Sure, Take My Keys, Lefty Bones here with you as always, Vernon Foxtail on the ones and the twos, getting the production vibes just right. Dr. Junk coming to us from what looks to be maybe an operating room, I'm not really sure, are you actively in surgery right now, is that what's going on? Due to patient, doctor confidentiality, I can't really discuss what is going on behind Just know they're fine. They don't look fine, but what do I know, not a medical professional. Alright, so I know Foxtail, you were telling us last week that you had some artwork that was going into the Dallas State Fair, what do we got, operations, what's happening there? What's going on? Any updates? Correct, no update yet. The 23rd. You dropped it off? Yeah. No, he dropped it off in person, went there in person, dropped it off. Yeah, basically just had to kind of explain what you're doing, what's the color, what's that junk. When's the voting done? I will know if I, how I place by the 23rd of this month. So on the 23rd, so I don't know, two weeks from now? So everyone mark your calendars, we'll let everyone know how he did, I'm sure he's going to win. Yeah, grand prize, first place, a million dollars. One key thing though, the lady that I dropped off my, you know, my helmet and mask to, you know, she was asking, oh no, they're all, this is Texas junk, this is Texas. So every one of the volunteers are, I'm going to let you guess, since you're so American, just general age and general sex or, yeah, sex. What do you think it was? It's really easy, man. It's really easy because America is America. America is America, brother. Think about it. America is America. Think about it. Don't worry about the guns, don't worry about this and that, it's got nothing to do with that. America is America. It's a state fair. I don't care if it's Texas, Missouri, Iowa, Kentucky, whatever. Who are the judges, do you think? I don't know. It's obviously old white women. Come on, man. It's obviously old white, like, daughters of the Confederacy. You know exactly who it is. You were overthinking that. Every last one of them. They've done a whole entire fucking thing. And it was funny because, like, if I was to do a quilt or something else, I could have been in and out. But I had to wait forever. You had to wait a little while. Not forever, but a while for the crafts and art design. Yeah, you should have made, like, a butter churn or something. You would have had a better chance of winning. I don't know. Could have come in with, like, a crochet doily or something. Yeah, ladies. All right, so we've got a very nature-focused show for you this evening. A lot of stories from the animal kingdom. So jumping in right now, out of Lake Tahoe, a bear, a big old black bear named Hank the Tank has been breaking into a bunch of houses and, like, stealing trash and garbage cans. Well, they found him. They found Hank the Tank. They brought Hank the Tank and three cubs into custody. It turns out Hank is actually a she. Hank is a Henrietta. But they have apprehended the beast, and they are dealing with things now. Finally! It's not Hank the Tank. It would be... What's a female name that sounds like Hank? Stank. Stank the Tank? Stank. Stank the Tank. Do you know a lot of women named Stank? All right, you don't have to. It depends on where you're hanging out and at what time of day. I can't think of a woman's name that sounds like Hank. I'll have to get back to you on that. But I'm just glad that they brought it to justice. I was tired of this atrocity happening. So, yeah, they are blaming it, actually. The community here is actually blaming it on the homeowners. They're saying that they're not doing a good job of locking their trash up. I mean, I can kind of get behind that. The bears were probably there first, right? Unless you count the Indians. Oh, I'm going to assume that they cohabitated, that they were there at the same time. What about dinosaurs? Nobody cares about the dinosaurs. They were actually here first. In front of everything. You want to fucking pay them reparations? I don't know where you're going with this. What do you want? I don't know. Go ahead. Thank you. Well, they have brought Henrietta and the three cubs to justice, and they're actually planning on relocating them all to Colorado. The governor of Colorado has said, yeah, more than welcome to come out here. The thing, there's a stipulation. All right. They say that in order to safely relocate the bears to Colorado, they have to regain their fear of humans. The fuck are they going to do to these bears? Oh, I thought we were talking about the cocaine bear. Like, I know it was a movie, but I figured this was real life now. Like, it really happened. It actually happened. Maybe that's what they're going to do is give the bears cocaine. They're going to have all four of them, the mother. I actually ended up watching that movie. Homeboy from the Wire didn't say his normal call line, but I watched Cocaine Bear. I watched it. It was bad. It was bad. So you don't recommend it? I mean, I would for a good laugh. And you're going to see a lot of, like, you're going to see everybody. Like, there's people that show up that you wouldn't even have thought. And do they all get eaten by the bear? No. I think the main thing is everybody needs to at least say, that bear's on cocaine. Like, that's how you get through it, you know? That's how you make your Grammy. Was Ray Lloyd in that? Yeah, he was. He was. That was the last movie. That was the last movie. The bear actually did that. Yeah, he was like the asshole drug dealer dude. Yeah, it was terrible. It was sad. But this story right here sounds exactly like Cocaine Bear. She, everybody thought Cocaine Bear was a boy. No, it's not. That's a mama. Oh, there's a spoiler alert right there. Sorry, listeners. Cocaine Bear was a big girl. Hey, listeners, if you haven't watched it yet, yeah. Oops. Oh, sorry. Sorry. You wasted your money. Ali G's going to come back. Sasha Baron's going to be bringing Ali G back, which I think is dime with the way everybody is nowadays. No, no, that's definitely going to happen. Ali G coming back, man. Nobody wants Ali G. Yeah, you guys don't want him. Nobody wants to know what he's going to do. No way, man. I'm down, though. So, full disclosure, before I read this article, I thought that Lake Tahoe was in Utah. No. I did not realize that Lake Tahoe was in California. Yes, that thought. That had me more confused than maybe anything. I was like, wait, is this a misprint? Lake Tahoe, California? I'm pretty sure Lake Tahoe is in Utah or Nevada. I thought it was, too, or Idaho. Nope. Nope. I thought it was in Cali. So then I was thinking maybe Salt Lake City is what I was thinking or some other kind of lake town. So I felt really dumb, actually. Probably dumber than the bear people. I don't know. He's just trying to get fed. He's just trying to eat. I don't know what the problem is. No, the problem is that it's a 250-pound black bear that's crawling up in people's houses and getting real comfortable. Well, secure your trash, people. A lot of trash in California needs to be secured, from what I understand. Depends on which news station you're listening to. I was listening to Charles Radio, Charlie Daily Radio. Charles Daily Radio. Yeah, just eat the glue, drink the beer, go to sleep as fast as you can. Then you won't have to hear the dead cats outside. You won't hear the cats outside if you do that. That's very true. That's a very good point. I should have taken a picture of it. This dude in front of me had a shirt on, and I had a picture of Trump, and he was going to take a drink of his bottle of water, but instead of being a bottle of water, it was a Clorox bleach bottle. Oh, damn. I thought it was hilarious. He'll actually be the president of the United States, which is going to be the fucking craziest, awesome thing ever. He actually already has been, foxtail. No, he will be again. He will be again. That's the ah-ha-ha-ha-ha part of it. But he had been? That makes sense. Duh. You're in rare form tonight, sir. Have you guys ever seen the, I don't know if it's really achieved meme status, but it's a picture of a very casually laid-back cat on a sidewalk. It was going around a couple years ago. His name was Tamboli or Tambili. Tamboli. Anyway, he's dead. He died. They've actually erected a statue in Istanbul commemorating his casual sidewalk pose, and actually in the place where the picture was taken, and I think in a lot of ways, it's kind of a beautiful story, where Lake Tahoe is like projecting these bears. Istanbul is embracing this cat in a very real way, and I find it sort of beautiful. Absolutely. Istanbul is the one country in the world that stray cats run rampant, and the people of the country and the community, they actually don't mind. They don't want to decimate or get rid of them. They actually take care of them. So this is, to me, this is awesome. This is like Istanbul holding up to what they do. I mean, I thought it sounded awesome until I looked at the fucking picture of the sculpture. Like, Jesus. Oh, so now it's the artist. The artist. Like, who did they fucking make this thing? Like, a kindergartener? What is this? How old's Dick? Is he in kindergarten? Is that guy in kindergarten? Is that guy in kindergarten? I'll start. Yeah, look at the cat's back leg. It looks like a turkey leg. Like, we could take a bite out of that. And his face, his face looks nothing like the cat's face. Yeah, it looks like that. There was no doubt in my mind going into this, the reactions that were going to come from you two. I had no doubt in my mind. I knew that Foxtail was going to be super happy about the beauty of the moment, and I knew that you, Dr. Junk, Mr. Scalpel-wielding O.R. man, Still in the middle of the turkey right now, by the way. Look at that fucking dumb face. God, that face is terrible. This face is terrible. It is terrible. Okay, you're right. It's bad. It's an awful picture, or sculpture. I couldn't do any better. I feel like they've actually dishonored this cat's memory. Tumbley. Tumbley. Tumbley? Tumbley, Tumbley, Tumbley. I apologize to you humbly, Tumbley, that this is terrible. Did you actually know that you paid for it with your taxes? Oh, my taxes? Yeah. Biden actually gave a little bit of a little help out over there for this. You like to give money to everybody. Oh, absolutely. We're about to throw a whole bunch of billions at Ukraine again. For my scammer wife. What? No, I've been watching the episodes on the internet here lately of motherfuckers sending like $250,000 to Ukrainian women because, you know, they're real. Like, they're real. Is that what Biden's trying to do? He's trying to secure himself a Ukrainian wife? Pretty much, yeah. I would think so. Time to trade up. This has gone off the rails tonight. All right, well, we've got more wildlife news coming to us out of Oklahoma. A young man decided to do a little fishing in a community pond and pulled out a fish that has very human-like teeth. Kind of freaky looking if you check out the picture. I saw this picture, and does that mean that a human sucked a fish? Is that what that means? It could mean that. It might mean that, yeah. Because, like, the fish is obviously evolving. You know what I mean? Like, first teeth, and then it's going to have legs. We're going to have fish walking out of the lakes and shit. Like, it's kind of scary. I don't know why dudes can't keep their penis in just women. Like, why? You know? Why has it always got to be put somewhere else? Why has it always got to be fish to get fucked? That's right. The fish is actually called a paku. Paku, P-A-C-U. It's native to South America. They think that the Oklahoma Department of Wildlife Conservation is under the opinion that somebody bought it as a pet and then dumped it in the lake. Yeah, those are the teeth right there we're talking about. They do look, I mean, it looks like you went to the dentist and they took pictures of your teeth like a scan. These boogers can get to be up to 3 1⁄2 feet long and up to 88 pounds. Hey, like, if you look at the way that catfish mouth looks, like, that's how they made molds for my, like, fucked up teeth that I had when I had root canals and shit. So, wow. They did the tooth mold from a paku instead of using your mouth? It's got to be, yeah. Why do you have to put that gelatin mold in my mouth? And instead you got a fucking fish out here. Looking at that particular shot right there, the way they're, like, full bicuspid, like, lower teeth, that's a real fine Photoshop job right there. I'm about to be tested on both Illustrator and Photoshop tomorrow. So you're calling Fugazi on this? Yeah, I'm calling Fugazi on that. And the best part is, like, look at the, what is that, the gold tinge of the lure left on there stuck in the middle of a full bicuspid? It's not even looped through between the gums, you know? Like, if you look at that. I think that's a grass or something. They said that he's already red. That's grass? Yeah, I think it's... Okay, all right. Cool. Yeah. I'm saying it's something out of the water. That's grass. I don't think it's a lure. But what I really want to look at is, that's grass? It's like wheat grass. It's like, you know, it's just fucking shit that's in a lake. That's grass. Like, look over his head. He's got shit all over his head. Hey, look, oats and fucking bullshit, right? Look at this. Not oats and bullshit. What is that? If you read the... What the fucking hell is that? He caught it with bread. Said he was using bread to fish. That's piercing to me. It looks like a fucking golden earring to me. I'm like David Duchovny in X-Files here. I want to believe. Call me Mulder. I'm gonna call you Skulder right now. Or Skully. Because I'm Mulder. So, they say that this taku is a relative of piranhas. It just has, you know, flat teeth instead of the sharp teeth. But it is known as the ball cutter. Due to apparently a propensity for this fish to like to nibble on nutsacks. Skinny dippers. They found taku in Scandinavia a couple years ago. And they were warning, like, seriously warning swimmers. Like, hey, do not go skinny dipping. It will bite your testicles. Which I believe is reason number 3,671 that Dr. Junk will not be getting in the lake ever again. Probably. Probably. Because if they've made it to Oklahoma, they're probably in Missouri. The old lake of the Ozarks as well. Quit it. I'm just saying. Like, can you imagine a three and a half foot, 88 pound one of these boys with a giant chopper is coming and just nibbling on your dickhead? With Photoshop flicking on his head? Arm is the real thing. I'm not going to get in the lake now. And you are. And this fucker's going to come swallow one of your testicles. I'm just going to laugh at you. Well, I'll be getting in the lake. I'm going to risk it. I'll risk it. I'm going to keep my dangly bits tucked away, as one does. But I will be in the lake. Paku or no paku. They do say that they'll nibble on you a little bit before they bite. They'll do like a little test nibble. That might not be the worst thing ever. If it's the I's weekend, you know, you've got to get your jolly somehow, which may be how the fish came to be in the first place. Might be getting a little nibble job. Ew, not teeth, though. We need more. All right, carrying on and revisiting a story that we covered, I want to say a month or so sometime in the past. They blur together. The boner spider. The boner spider has returned. Don't remember him at all. A penny market in Austria was closed down because a boner spider was found. And, yeah, not safe to be around, apparently. Four-inch long black and red spider that's venom is deadly was found. And they had to close the market down to keep some people safe. But it's open now. They say everything's fine because they searched everywhere and they didn't find the spider. So it's safe. Okay, good. It's okay. Good, good. Nice. I love it. I love it. I love it when humans figure out that insects aren't going to ever get in their area again. I'm glad. I'm glad. That's awesome. It's good. It's good. I have two questions. And I hope I didn't use these jokes previously. I feel like I did this. But I don't think that's it. But number one would be, what if Spider-Man was bitten by this spider? You know, what would his power be? Probably prolonged erections and then death would be my guess. You get a real big, strong, powerful spider boner. And then later you die. That's a hell of a power. Right. My second question would be, people that are bit and die, do they die fully salute? Full salute. Full close? Like they got all their clothes off? Is that what you mean? I would assume they have their clothes off. I would assume they have their clothes on. I'm talking like, are they pitching a tent? Could Cub Scouts go under there? Whoa, whoa, whoa. If they weren't fully clothed and they were pitching a tent, that would be a big-ass dick hanging up, wouldn't it? Let's keep Cub Scouts out of the discussion of erections, please, Joe. Let's try to stop with that shit. I know you're an Eagle Scout and everything. You should know better. I'm sorry. So the spider's known as the Brazilian Wandering Spider, which does, I mean, it somehow wandered its ass all the way to Austria, which I'm not great at geography, but I think it's pretty far away from Brazil. Yeah, my guess would be boats. That's my just throw of the gust of the wind. Like, I want a gust of wind down here, I'll tell you that. It's 106 every goddamn day. So you're assuming that the spider travel via boat as opposed to walking or possibly flying there? Yeah, they were delivered hand-packaged. I want to know more medical facts about this. Yeah, I was about to say. I was hoping you were going to bring more knowledge to the table on this. I mean, I'm a human doctor. I don't really study arachnids or, you know. So that's all I got. You're not an entomologist? I have seen that movie Arachnophobia. I saw that when I was younger. That movie is scary. No, it was terrifying. Great job. Great acting job by John Candy, though. He brought some, he brought some, or was that John Goodman? John Goodman, I'm sorry. Wrong John. John Goodman. He brought some stank to that movie. The way he went down was terrible, though. That was awful to see. I always thought, whenever I watched that movie afterwards, I always felt like I could feel him crawling on me. No, I got spiders on me right now. I can tell. They're everywhere. They're everywhere. I just don't know. Okay. Like, if you get bit by the boner spider, you get the boner. All right. Do you get the boner before you start feeling sick and crappy? Can you utilize it? Can you make use of this engorged penis? Or is this, like, I want to know the order of the, like, the symptoms. How do they set in? It's like, boner first and then nausea? Or nausea first and then boner? Because that's going to make a big difference on how I handle my treatment, I think. I mean, your treatment is that you're going to die. So you better just try and find a come to. Can I go down swinging is what I'm saying. Can I find. I feel like so. Without ever having the pandemic hit me on that spider, getting that juice in me, you know what I'm saying? I feel like it could roll down that way. Get bit by the spider. Go grab some blow. Find a chick named Stank. Go down swinging. And then be like. And then try to match something. You got to, like, try to figure out how, like, four plus four. You got to do some kind of number sequence in there, too. All right. Okay. So I'll get bit by the spider. I'll get some blow. I'll do some basic arithmetic. Yeah. Then I'll find a chick named Stank. And then I'll go down swinging. Okay. I don't know exactly what you're talking about. But I feel like that's how you become a CU, an MCU member. Oh, yeah. No doubt. Yeah, yeah. No. You're going to be, like, definitely the new Captain America. I like to get rid of Captain America. And Black Widow, they bring in Spider Boner. And finally, we've got news out of the music slash, I guess, geekdom world here. The One Ring. The One Ring has been found. Ladies and gentlemen, Magic the Gathering recently released a Hobbit, Lord of the Rings-inspired set. And the One Ring, and there's literally only one of them, has been found by a gentleman named Brooke Traxton. And he actually recently sold it to everyone's favorite facially-tattooed rapper, not Tekashi69. We're actually talking about Post Malone. Post Malone bought the One Ring card for $2 million. I mean, everyone's favorite rapper. Hold on. Tattoo-faced rapper. Yeah, everyone's favorite face-tattooed rapper is Jelly Roll, isn't it? I don't know who Jelly Roll is. What the fuck is a Jelly Roll? Sounds delicious. I mean, just imagine. It's what you think. He's a big, I think he's a country singer, actually. He's a big, huge guy with tattoos on his face. Well, he's not everybody's favorite because Post Malone is everybody's favorite tattoo-faced rapper. Okay, Post Malone. Here's my thoughts. Not a huge fan of his music. Some of those songs get really annoying. But the dude does seem like he'd be pretty chill to hang out with, and this makes me feel even more strongly about that. Like, I know during COVID he did all the Nirvana covers and all this different stuff, and I thought he did a pretty good job. And now it turns out that he's a huge Magic the Gathering geek, which I have been guilty of at one time or another in my life. I find him to be more and more relatable the more I find out about the guy. How much did he buy it for? $2 million-ish. It's the only one. It's one of one. One of one. It's one of one. It's a card. It's a card called the One Ring. Yeah, it is 001 slash 001, and it's metallic, and it's all elven. Everything's elven. There ain't no fucking other than your one of one ring and wizards of the coast bottom crest. So what about the other 12 rings? Are there cards for those, the rings of power? Did you not hear? Did you not hear? The three for the dwarves and the seven for the men. Yeah, no, they're all represented. It's just that those are less. There's more than one. That is exactly it. Like, that's all you get is it. One of one, John. I'm sure if you translate the elven script on there, it'll tell you the power of the card, you know? Basically what it says is if you hold this card, you're actually going to owe $4 million in taxes. I actually can't read it. Even though it's fantasy, you still owe IRS. Fucking Biden getting us again. Fuck that up. Shiva? Yeah. Back taxed right there. This is actually not the first time that post that Mr. Malone has made a purchase of a rare Magic the Gathering card. He actually bought a Black Lotus card that was signed by the artist that created it for $800,000 a number of years ago on the Howard Stern show, actually. It's kind of like a weird confluence of different cultural icons there. And he is also one of a small number of people who have had their own Magic the Gathering card created by Wizards of the Coast. His card was called Post the Enchanter and is actually available for purchase and trade and play out there in the Magic the Gathering world. So, like a huge Magic the Gathering nerd. I would say, yeah, I think it's cool. I know my friends Patrick Mahomes and Travis Kelsey hung out with him a couple times and they like beer pong and stuff. I think Post actually made some kind of bet that Patrick and Travis beat him or something. He would get their autograph tattooed on him. So, he actually has their autograph tattooed on him. Okay. And once again, I like the guy. I think I'm a Post Malone fan. Not his music, but I think I like him as a human being. I believe that I'm a fan. I mean... This happens every once in a while. It's almost like these weird little man crushes that I get. Because Post Malone, okay, and then Jason Momoa. The more that I find out about that dude, aside from the Aquaman thing. But the more I find out about that dude, the more I'm like, well, he's a fucking big old nerd too. And then, he is. And then Sofia Vergara, her husband. Is that... Ex-husband. Ex-husband is that Mark... The guy from Magic Mike, right? And he was like in True Blood and everything. Oh. Megaloma. Whatever. Fucking... Yeah, I know who you're talking about. I've seen the other one. I've watched YouTube videos of him playing Magic the Gathering as well. He's another huge Magic nerd. So, I guess those are my three man crushes. Yeah, I mean, supposedly they broke up because he wanted to have children and she didn't. I'd have children with her also. But, I mean, what are you going to do? Right? I mean, I don't know. Yeah, I mean, I'm not a big Jason Momoa guy. Who is that guy? Was that Khal Drogo? That is Khal Drogo. Oh, okay. I was about to say, I was like, wow, you guys are super Momoa fans. I was like, I don't even know, what was he in? Game of Thrones. That's right. Yes, sir. I know he's in Disney movies and shit like that now. But, I don't got kids. So, it doesn't really matter. My man crush would be Patrick Mahomes. Yes, yes. Oh, we're making a man crush? Bobby Wood Jr. is coming on that list. Pretty good. Probably not the only thing he's going to be coming up. I like that actor in... Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, like sports people. Jake Gyllenhaal. Jake Gyllenhaal? Jake Gyllenhaal, you're a Jake Gyllenhaal fan? Yeah, I like almost every movie he's in. I think he's a really good actor. I don't know. Finally. Non-sports guy. Dr. Junk's going to suck a dick. Jake Gyllenhaal. Hell yeah. Finally. I mean, Travis is going to be pretty fucking pissed off. Honestly. He's not going to be happy about it. He's right there at four. Okay. Mahomes is good to go. He's got Britney. So, you don't have to worry about that shit. But Travis, you know, he goes in and out. He might need your dick. He might need your mouth. He might need your fuckin'. Travis shot his shot with a... Get my new EP out tomorrow. He got... Trav got turned down by Taylor Swift, and I was like, damn. I think she missed a golden opportunity there. I just put that out there so she can go back around. Like, you know, she didn't get the word. Like, just her security was like, no, no, no. All right. Well, I think that's going to do it for us this week, folks. Before we go, any parting words of wisdom for the listeners out there? Dr. Junks? Hold on. We kept talking about bears tonight, you know. Do you know why koalas aren't bears? I don't know why koalas aren't bears. They don't meet the koala-fications. Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho. Ho, ho. Ho, ho, ho, ho. I just got outsmarted again by Dr. Junks. Which is crazy. He's in the middle of surgery right now. Mr. Foxtail. Oh, shit. Mr. Foxtail, what would you like to leave for the listeners this week? The earth is round. It's not flat. That's all I got for you. Incontrovertible science. It is a beautiful science. Do you have proof of this? Spite me. Spite me. All right, everybody. Thanks for stopping by. Thanks for coming in. And we will catch you next time. See you. Later. Adios. That's a wrap. Join me again next time on Not Sure If I Can.