PEER Ambassador 2

The speaker discusses their experience with postpartum depression and anxiety. They talk about the misconceptions surrounding childbirth and express that it is not always a beautiful experience. They also mention the pre-partum anxiety they felt while carrying their children. The speaker emphasizes the importance of discussing these topics and highlights the intense and lingering nature of postpartum mental health issues. Alrighty, episode number one, we're going to be talking about how to get rid of the Alrighty, episode two of the Peer Ambassador Podcast, and today I figured we would talk about acts of postpartum in all shapes and forms of postpartum, whether that's postpartum depression, postpartum anxiety, postpartum psychosis. All of it I think is important for us to have conversations about as parents, as mothers, as people with lived and living experience, and so I just felt like that would be a good place for us to start. So, do you want to introduce yourself? Hi, I'm Jenna. And yeah, we're just going to have a conversation about what it is to, you know, experience childbirth and the effects afterwards, and yeah. So, for me, a lot of my experience is working in what we do. I've had a lot of time to kind of talk with people, so what I have to say isn't just mine, but we can focus on mine in the beginning because it's good to feel like the connection. So, I had Jackson probably three weeks early, and I got really depressed afterwards because I didn't have him on his exact due date, which sounds kind of bogus, but it's really not because I think for a lot of parents, so many things just grow in there after having that trauma because let's just say childbirth is beautiful, but it's traumatic. I did not have a good childbirth either times, but it's just, it's really weird because you go into it, and I mean, as a woman that has depression anyway, it's kind of like, I don't know, it felt more. Every single day you have to wake up, every night you have to wake up and feed him and feed him and feed rely on you. This small baby relies on you, and it's like, what if you're not good enough? What if you don't feed them in time? So, we ended up putting this one ringtone on, and we had it set on alarm every two hours to feed him, and I swear to God, it made me feel I can't hear that sound now. You're going to hear my baby in the background, because she's our baby in bed. It's okay, we can always take her out too. I think for me, the biggest thing, I think the biggest thing that we, as parents, especially as mothers, is this misconception that childbirth is beautiful. I really think it's a disservice to people who haven't given birth to put on this facade that it's this beautiful experience, because there's nothing beautiful about giving birth. I really don't think that there is, at least in my opinion. I think you can have an easy birth, or you can have experience that makes you feel empowered and strong, but for me, and I've given birth naturally for all four of my children, and it's never been something where I'm like, oh, this is so beautiful. It's messy, it's painful, it's noisy. I feel like with my last birth, I think that was the closest that I could have gotten to having a beautiful birth, and that's just because everything went as planned, and I had done it three times previously, so I felt very much comfortable and confident in my abilities to give birth at that point. I got to labor in the tub, and in water, and all of that, and I didn't have to really push a lot, and I didn't really have to step outside of my body, which I feel like I did with both of my other births, was really like this out-of-body experience that I had, but with my last son, I just felt like it was very peaceful, but it wasn't beautiful, because there's blood, there's poop, there's, you know, all types of, you're sweating, and you're, you know. I think for people that aren't in the act of labor, it's so much easier for them to call it beautiful, because they're not doing it, and maybe, I don't know, maybe in other views, people see it as beautiful, but for me, I do not recall a second of either labor where I was like, oh, this is a beautiful thing. It was awful. It was so bad. Jasmine, I'm telling you right now, it was a very quick birth. I went in to be induced, but I was already in labor, so they induced me anyways, so it went really fast, but the second that the contractions hit, I got back labor, and I was practically living in the shower, because water is, it's amazing. I did sign up for a water birth with Jackson, but they had to put wires, like wires in places that should not have wires, and I'm telling you, like, I don't think people that, I just don't think people understand how traumatic it really can be, so when we sit and we focus on, like, post-traumatic stress, you go through all of those moments during labor. You really do, and even before, like, I was so anxious, not of labor, but of, like, anything going wrong, because even though it wasn't planned, my son was not planned, even though it wasn't planned, it was so wanted, but I know so many people that have lost children, and thankfully that's not something I ever have gone through, and likely knock on wood, will never have to, because I really don't know if I could do this ever again. Yeah, I think that's the part that a lot of women don't talk about, is the pre-partum anxiety that comes from carrying children. I know that, I mean, for the majority of my first pregnancy, I think that my anxiety, I didn't know that that's what it was, and so therefore I didn't have any outlets of, like, how to express it. I kept a lot of it to myself until, you know, until I probably, I just remember the first time that I felt my baby kick, I didn't know what it was, and I was so scared and so nervous about it, and I was living with my mom at the time, and I remember, like, I felt it a couple times, and didn't really say anything, and then I remember, like, you know, very vividly, I remember coming into the living room, and getting into this chair, but, like, sitting, like, on your feet, you know, like when you tuck your feet underneath you, and I felt it, and I was like, oh my god, and my mom was like, what, and I was like, I just keep getting this weird feeling, like, you know, like butterflies in my stomach or something, and my mom was like, oh my god, that's quickening, like, that's your baby kicking, and I just remember being like, what, like, that's what it is, like, that's so crazy, and so I, from that moment on, I mean, I had to probably be, like, you know, four months or something, you know, very early on in the pregnancy, but then I felt like I could talk to my mom about, you know, everything that was going on, and I really had somebody in my corner who had experienced this, you know, multiple times, and so she really became, like, my rock and my confidant when it came to, like, you know, when I went in to give birth, and she just kind of, like, walked me through and talked me through, like, everything, and I'll probably get emotional, but, you know, so when I, when I lost my mom, I didn't think that I would, you know, I never really thought that I'd have more kids after I had my first son. I just never really felt like it was something that I wanted to do, but then I met my ex-partner, and he, you know, was adamant about having other kids, and so when I got pregnant with my twins, the anxiety started, like, immediately. I didn't have any, like, no grief period, because immediately I knew that I was going to be doing this without my mom, and that felt wrong. It felt very, like, impossible, and it was really hard for me to, like, lean on my partner in order to get that type of, like, reassurance and just comfort and support that I would have gotten from my mom, and I remember having conversations with him, and him, like, asking me, like, what's going on, what am I feeling, what am I thinking, and me, like, just sitting there mute, like, I couldn't, I couldn't let it out, like, I couldn't say anything to him, because it was, it was meant to be for my mom, like, it was meant to be her, who I called, and, you know, if I was feeling sick, or if I, you know, she was supposed to be the one to tell me, you know, witchcrackers, and, you know, ginger ale, or whatever, even though I already knew all these things, it's just those are the things that moms are there for, and it was really hard for me to not have my mom when I got pregnant with my twins, so the anxiety really just, like, skyrocketed, and then, like, to be carrying twins is already extremely high risk, and then, you know, everything is doubled, so, you know, I'm going to the doctors twice a month, I'm going to my regular doctors, I'm going to high risk doctors, and taking all these tests, I'm getting all of these, you know, this blood work done to figure out, like, are my twins healthy, are both of them going to make it, like, it just becomes, like, this, this ball of anxiety that, you know, I think mostly an experience that nobody really talks about because, like, you're only thinking about, like, when your baby is born, but the type of anxiety that's held when you're actually, like, carrying children is astronomical at times. It really is. Like, I remember it was near, like, the end of my last pregnancy, and I didn't feel or move for quite some time, and, I mean, for the love of God, I was sleeping. I shouldn't feel or move at all because I should be sleeping, but she used to wake me up with her kicks, and then, at that night, she just wasn't doing it, and I can remember waking up, and I woke my husband up, and I'm like, she's not moving, and he woke up, and he was freaking out. He's like, you need to calm down, like, right now. You do, and I just don't, like, think he ever understood but the fear that I had, like, it was so deep. In the very beginning of the pregnancy with her, I was bleeding, and I ended up in the hospital, and they checked me, and I was fine, but it was just so scary, and there's so many factors that people just don't think about, especially people that aren't in that moment. The anxiety, the depression before and after, it's intense, and it's just, it lingers. To this day, I tell myself every day, at least 100 times a day, I'm like, keep yourself together because these kids need you, and you don't end up thinking about yourself very often, and it does take over sometimes. I have to take time at night if I don't relax and kind of zone out, you know? Yeah, for sure, and I just feel like that we end up being, you know, brought into these spaces where we can't really express ourselves because we do have so much responsibility to the outside. You know, not just to our children, but to our partners, to our jobs, to whatever. For me, I think after I had my twins, it was really difficult for me to stay home, to be that source of everything for the twins. It was really hard for me, and that is really where my postpartum anxiety showed the most. I don't know if I've, I think my postpartum depression came after my last baby was major. I don't remember having any type of postpartum, and I don't know if it's because it was 12 years ago, or if I just didn't know what it was that I was experiencing, to put words to it, but I just remember, like, with the twins, it was very much like anxious. It was a lot of intrusive thoughts. It was a lot of, you know, just like not being fully, it's weird because you know you're fully aware, you know you're fully there. It's not like this, the way that it's always kind of been described to me, especially with other types of, you know, mental illnesses, is like, you know, you're kind of like outside of your body, or you're not experiencing, you know, you're not experiencing, like, what's happening, but for me, it was very much like I was there, I was experiencing it, but there was nothing that I could do about it. There was no, you know, real, no tangible things that I could do to not experience intrusive thoughts, or to not experience this overwhelming anxiety when I would look at my children, or when I would walk away from them, you know, even if it was like to go out on the porch and, you know, smoke a cigarette, or to, you know, drive to the store, I got, I would get so anxious leaving them that I would feel like, you know, like they would literally just die if I wasn't extremely close to them at all times, and so I remember going to my partner and telling him like, I can't do this, like I can't be here with the twins, like I need to go back to work, I need to, you know, be doing something outside of being a mom because it wasn't healthy for me, and I didn't think it would be healthy for my kids, and so I went back to work with babies who were probably like three and a half months, and that was a choice because I just couldn't, I couldn't see myself staying sane with so much that was going on, so it really was like, I felt like something really dangerous could have happened if I didn't go back to work when I did, and most women, you know, they kind of like fight to stay home, and they, you know, do months and months of maternity leave, and for me it just really wasn't, it wasn't good for me, I needed to be able to think about things and work on things that weren't just related to the children because it was, you know, breastfeeding twins, and pumping for twins, and washing bottles for twins, and changing diapers, and doing laundry, and you know, my twins were in cloth diapers which just made everything just ten times harder, and all of it just became so, so much that I was like, I'd rather be, you know, out of the house working than having to take on this type of responsibility, and so, you know, there's times where I felt bad about that, and there's other times where I'm just like, no, I don't feel bad at all, like, I think society makes you feel like if you're not 100% like, on top of your kids all the time, then you're not a good mom, and for me, that's never been the case. I love it. I love bringing children to work. I feel exactly the same as you with that. I feel like I was pressured from the second I gave birth by my family to kind of, you know, I was crocheting in the back of the car after I gave birth to Jackson, he was a month old, and I can remember being looked at by my grandmother, and she was like, are you going to do that all day? You really should be focusing on your son. I'm like, well, I am focusing on him, he's sleeping right now, what am I supposed to be doing? Combing his hair? Redressing him? Should I change his socks? Should I fix his little sleeper? He looks comfy to me, it's 9 at night, you know, what should I be doing? Oh, well, he's sleeping, you should be sleeping. It's like, you know, I really think people need to stop telling parents what's right and what's wrong, because I mean, at the end of the day, if your kid is taken care of and they feel loved, I honestly think that you did well. I don't feel at any point guilting a parent to be better helps anyone, because if anything, you're making them feel like they're doing wrong. And you know, you don't know what the struggle is within someone else. For me personally, I've been dealing with depression my entire life, I have a lot of trauma. And I was told pretty much from the second I got pregnant with my son, that I should not have him at all. I shouldn't have him. I was stressed and pressured to pretty much unalive the pregnancy because I couldn't do it. And in their eyes, they really didn't believe that I could do it. And it. Lo and behold, I have two children now. And I think I'm doing great. And at the end of the night, both of my kids go to bed clean. They both feel loved. And the pain and the stress of it all at the end of the day, I lay down and I play my video game and I pretend like I have nothing else I have to do. Everyone else in the house is sleeping. And I'm relaxing. I don't have to get up and check everybody. I don't have to make sure everybody's fed all the time. And when I did take on the jobs and different obligations that I did after I had Jocelyn, I felt freer. I felt good about myself. And the truth is, I did not get postpartum baby blues or depression as much when I had Jocelyn as I did with Jackson. Because I didn't have, and I know that I'll probably have family that hear this, but I didn't have certain stresses trying to tell me how I have to do it. And I did with my son. And I feel it put a lot of strain on my son and I's relationships too. Even though in the very beginning of his life, I did nothing but take care of him 24-7. I had no friends. It was just me and my son and my husband, at the time, fiance. And we just took care of him and he went off and he went to work. And I was stuck at home all day long with a kid. And I'm telling you, the depression, the anxiety, the stigma around it is just heavy. Yeah, I think that for me, like I said, I didn't really experience depression, postpartum depression, until after I had my last child. And it was at a time where I probably should have been the happiest. Most of the people who knew me or knew portions of my life that I was willing to share really thought that I should have been at my happiest. I had people all the time being like, oh, I'm so jealous of you. You have the perfect family. You have the perfect life. And on the outside, it did. We were a beautiful, beautiful family. We had four boys and a cute little apartment and two cars, bank accounts, all that stuff. But at the same time, I was so unbelievably depressed. And I didn't even really know that I was depressed. I just felt unhappy. And it was just like really, really striving, like needing to be happy. Like everything around me was like, why are we not happy? Like, why? Why can't we be happy? I mean, like, we were taking trips and, you know, just doing all of the things that we're supposed to be checking all of these boxes of like, what it is to like, make a good life with somebody. But at the same time, like, I just couldn't get happy about anything, you know. So it was really, really difficult to like come to that realization of being like, you know, other people and other things can't make you happy if you really, if you're like, in the core of you isn't taken care of. So that was, you know, it was a big wake up call for me. And it wasn't, you know, like, the depression and the sadness like didn't end when my relationship ended. It really only ended when I realized that like, I had to be the one responsible for my own happiness. And I had to be the one responsible in bringing myself like out of the depression. And that looks differently for different people. Some people really do need to, you know, seek professional help and really need to, you know, talk to other people. And I did, I did definitely, you know, speak with a professional, you know, just surrounding a lot of the things that were happening at that time. But I definitely felt like talking to somebody outside of, even just like outside of my normal circle of people really helped, professional or not. Just somebody who doesn't know you and doesn't know everything about you really kind of helped to, I guess, just shift my perspective. Spending like a lot of time by the water, you know, the rivers and that kind of energy. Girl. I know. Usually you're full of butter and all the sweet stuff. What the heck is this? We're going to be having to edit you out of our little world. You are firm with this. She is firm with her feelings. She's been doing that with Jackson lately. He'll go to hold her and she'll be like, no. Good for her. Yeah, I'm glad. I am really glad. No. I think a lot of the stuff that I go through and have gone through have been trying to live up to what other people have expected of me. I really feel that that has kind of been the crux of my life. Like what, what drives me to want to make other people happy? And I think it's because I grew up the oldest, always having to hold that kind of pedestal, being up there, holding up the planet for my siblings and my cousins and my family and never, ever, ever being good enough, never being good enough, never having enough jobs, never having enough ambition, never learning how to drive, which I'm really focusing on, really am lately. And it's like, I always did everything, everything I ever did was to try to make my grandmother happy. And when I got pregnant and she found out and she lost it on me, it just felt hard to even focus on wanting to be a mother because I wasn't making her happy. And I don't know why I wanted to so bad. I really don't. And then when I got pregnant the second time, I didn't even tell her. I let my family tell her. It's like, you know what, I'm not, I kind of opened up as a person more. And I was like, you know, for them, they're going to have to learn from me that I don't, they don't need my approval with everything because someday I'm not going to be here and they're going to have to live on and raise the family and they're going to have to do all of these things. I always sought approval from my grandmother and now that she's gone, I have no one to get approval from. So for the first couple of months, I was like, well, who the hell am I going to get approval from? And a little birdie in my ear is like, you know, you, you, you need to approve yourself because you came into this world. You weren't someone's property. You weren't. You shouldn't have been. You should be own yourself and you need to own who you are and you need to learn to stand up and like hold your head up. And I mean, I, I'm getting there. I'm not going to say that I'm there. I'm really not going to say I'm there, but I'm getting there. And all of the growing I've done has been because I want to grow. I don't want to stay in the shadow anymore. After I had Jackson in school, I'd be home alone all the time. So I'd just sleep all the time. And I'm telling you, if you take a seed and you put it in the darkness, it's not going to grow.