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The speaker admits to becoming like the people they despised, enjoying the act of almost killing someone who they believe deserved it. However, this has caused them to lose self-acceptance and they feel overwhelmed by guilt. They also mention that they don't have much time left. I became just like them, Caddy. I enjoyed almost killing that guy. He deserved it, but still, I can't live myself anymore. I don't really have much time left anyway.