Episode 1 - part 2

The speaker talks about her experiences during her pregnancies and postpartum period. She mentions that her third pregnancy was her rainbow baby and she had a lot of anxiety throughout the pregnancy. She had multiple scans for reassurance. She also talks about being diagnosed with gestational diabetes and having to change her diet. She didn't enjoy her postnatal ward experience and felt unsupported. She struggled with postpartum depression and felt alone. She eventually started feeling better when she started going for daily walks and taking her baby to baby classes. She now wants to help other first-time moms through her blog and podcast and wants them to know they are not alone. She wants to empower them and provide support during the perinatal period. So continuing on from that, subsequently after maybe like another few months, similar, it's about the same time as how long after I fell pregnant for my, doing it for my second pregnancy, and then the third pregnancy was actually my rainbow baby. I think we did, we tried, but I wasn't really like all excited and like, oh I really want this baby, I really want this to work, because at this point I was like just telling myself, look, just take it easy, you know, take one day at a time, if it happens, if it happens, then if it's not, then you know, we can try again next month, next few months, so you know, taking things easy, and miraculously, thank God, it happened on the third try. And so, for this, you know, the anxiety was through the roof, my anxiety, throughout the whole pregnancy, throughout the whole nine months, it's not easy, I actually did not enjoy any minute of it, it was hard, but we managed to go on two holidays, two holidays, which was amazing, it was at the very beginning of the pregnancy, however, because of the anxiety, I'm like, I'm so worried about the baby, I had like, I can't even remember how many scans, it must have been like every few weeks, every three, every four weeks, every four weeks, so you know, I went to the early pregnancy unit to get a scan, because I said I have inverted comas, right, abdominal pain, and because of my previous history, they would see me, but yeah, they could see that there was a sac, but they couldn't see the heartbeat, so I had to come back, so that's another scan, and then, whilst waiting for the 12-week appointment and the 12-week scan, I had another private scan, I think, at 8 weeks, mainly these are all for reassurance purposes, but I can remember that my husband was like, stop going for all these scans, come on, but yeah, so that's the pregnancy, but it's not, it's not the easiest, looking back, the first few weeks, especially, before the baby started kicking, it was hard, because I didn't know whether the baby was okay, and then, following on from that, the second, you know, thank God, I did not suffer from, I mean, you know, vomiting, hyperemesis, or vomiting in pregnancy, thank God for that, because it would have been harder, so yeah, so the first trimester is the most plain sailing, apart from the anxiety, second trimester, it was okay, but I was diagnosed with, I think it was like 28 weeks, where we had to do sugar level, because of my age, and I think it was my BMI as well, and so I had to do diabetes, the sugar test, and I found out it was positive, so gestational diabetes, I had to change my diet, you know, cut down on carbs, and make sure that my sugars are all post, you know, morning, and post meal, the sugar is okay, that was hard, and then, you know, having to go more appointments, more scans, because we need to see if the baby is okay growing wise, and if the baby's too big, and then we have to induce the baby early, I'm so sorry, I'm having to, like that, I'm sorry, but yeah, the emotions, having to remember all these things again, it's not easy, so that's the second and the third trimester, I went for like a pregnancy, antenatal class, but it was online, so I wasn't really listening, breastfeeding class as well, um, yeah, so, I don't know, it wasn't helpful really, to be honest, but um, I went through it, um, yeah, I didn't think it was useful, so I didn't really learn much, um, yeah, I wish I prepared a bit more postpartum, knowing more about postpartum, uh, during, during pregnancy, I feel like there's a lot of support, you go to see your midwives, I have to see the, you know, the, because I'm high risk, because of my gluten disorder, and the gestational diabetes, I have to go see the doctors instead of the midwife, so that's something else as well, uh, I mean, I can't really remember much about pregnancy, because I was like just focusing on work, trying to get, because I'm not working regularly, I'm working as a locum, so, um, if I don't work, I don't get money, and so I was trying to make as much as I can, so I can take a longer maternity leave, um, and then, so that's that, and then I was induced early at 38 weeks, induction process was okay, I suppose, but maybe the pain was more intense, I believe, or I've not had any, uh, contraction prior to that, so I can't really tell the difference, um, but yeah, I was induced the Saturday, two days before she was born, and she was born on the Monday, during antenatal ward, it's okay, labor is okay too, excuse me, labor is okay too, uh, but I had, like, they were worrying, they worried about sepsis, because I was having high temperature, slightly, and raised heart rate, but, you know, so I had to be on antibiotics, and the baby had to go on antibiotics, so I had to stay for, I, the baby was, so I was in from Saturday until Thursday, the week after, because of the antibiotics, but they couldn't find anything, and the baby had to have, like, um, the cannula swallow, which was heartbreaking, but I guess it was for the best, uh, but the postnatal ward experience was one that I wish I don't have to remember, that's the worst ever, um, I hated it, every second of it, it was hard, nobody listened to you, nobody helped you, it was just super difficult, and I couldn't feed my baby, she wasn't feeding, and nobody was helping, they were like, oh, get on the bottle, I'm like, no, I'm not getting her bottle, I'm going to feed her, but you're not helping me, so she wasn't having anything, she wasn't passing urine, it was hard, because I wasn't sure what I was doing, and the nurses were like, their midwives are all busy, so they just want them, the baby to be on bottle, which I didn't want to, so the support wasn't there, and, um, I begged my husband to let me, take me home, I don't want to be here, because it was horrible experience, all the babies crying at night, and couldn't sleep, and the baby was, my baby couldn't sleep either, because she was, she was crying all the time, because she was hungry, which is so bad, but, um, yeah, it's something I wish I don't have to remember, uh, nobody was helping, it was a horrible, horrible, horrible experience, and I never want to go through that again, I wish, you know, if I were to have another one, I don't know about that, but if I were to have another one, I will not go to that hospital, I'm not telling, I'm not saying which hospital, or if I have to go back there, I will not stay in the postnatal ward, I will just want to leave immediately after giving birth, um, yeah, so I remember telling my husband, on the day that we were going home, me and my baby, what do we do with her, what do we do with her, I don't know, so I remember that was, um, remembering it back again, I don't know, I just, the other thing is, I didn't feel the love for the baby, because, you know, I always feel like, oh, they love everybody so much, but I don't feel that, I don't know why, I don't know why, but, um, yeah, so frequently, after a few weeks, it's just getting more difficult, um, I didn't go out of the house, I didn't see nobody, it was hard, um, luckily, I've got some help from family, but even then, like, when you're at home at night, or the night time, not sleeping, I even remember asking my friend, why nobody tell me that it's going to be super difficult, and how long am I going to be in this, and how, when can I get out of this, you know, it's so hard, with the lack of sleep, and just the two of us, and she cries all the time, oh, she cried all the time, it's just difficult, and I felt alone, even though, you know, I can speak to my husband, but it's difficult, she doesn't understand, I feel like she doesn't understand, and when I call my mom, or my family back home, it's as though everyone just get on with it, and everyone just move on, no more issues with the baby, and they just feed the baby, and baby put, put the baby to sleep, that's it, that's all, I don't know, but, um, yeah, it's just very hard for me at that time, we, I even took her back for three weeks to Malaysia, just the two of us, thinking that I was going to get better, um, no, no, I didn't get better, it was hard, I didn't feel myself, I don't know what was going on, I feel lost, I felt I was in a dark hole, like, it's just so hard at that time, and I feel like I can't get out of the hole, it's impossible, like, I put her on to nurse, I dropped her at the nursery, but I had to remove her from the nursery, because, stop her from going to nursery, because they are not very good with my baby, that's why I don't think they have good nursery, so it was, you know, I tried to see it, to get help from any other way, but it's just impossible at that time, I just put my face, it's brave face, and I can still smile, but deep down, nobody knows what's going on, or how I felt, it was hard, so I think I started to feel better when I started doing my daily walks, because I think at the beginning of the year, so about seven months ago, I started to feel better, because I started taking her out for walk, daily in the morning, at least half an hour, go for a walk, just to get the different air, and I take her to baby classes, that's something else that helped as well, not that I talked to any other mums, I don't know, I just, because they already have friends, and I was just a bit late, and I just moved to the area as well, so it doesn't have a thing, it's quite difficult, and so yeah, I took her to baby classes, and I start to feel better, because I start to go out, and I start want to be myself, I start want, I started to feel I want to get ready, get up, get ready, because before this, I just want to stay at home, I don't want to go out, don't want to see anybody, don't want to talk to anybody, I just go to work, and I was working from home, as a doctor, so now I think I found my purpose, in the past I really wanted to do obstetrics and gynecology, or in obstetrics, OBGYN, or whatever you call it, but I guess there's a reason why I didn't get it, because now I can do this, I'm very passionate to helping mothers to feel better in their postpartum period, especially first time mothers, I was very anxious, it's the not knowing, it's the feeling lonely, that I think is the most difficult, most depressing I suppose for me, it was hard, and so I really want to help, my mission is to help first time moms, anxious first time moms, to feel supported, to feel heard, and to feel better, so they can enjoy motherhood, so hence why I'm coming up with this, I'm doing this blog podcast, so I can tell everyone, and share my experience, my own personal experience, and also medical expertise, being a GP, and I've been working for over 10 years, 12 years now, and so I have the knowledge, and I have the experience, I went through it the difficult way, the difficult way, and it's just one thing I really want to do, and I'm passionate to really help other moms, and their motherhood journey, so I share my journey today with you, not only to tell about my experience, to discuss, to you know, tell you about my experience, but also to let you know that you are not alone, because at that point, I felt I was the only one, and just for you to know that motherhood is a journey, filled with you know, triumphs, and trials, and tribulations, but guess what, I'm here, and I will navigate, I will navigate it with you, so throughout my podcast, we'll explore the perinatal health, coping strategies, the pregnancy challenges, and the postpartum empowerment, I want you to create a safe space for you to find support, to share, and to know your feelings, and experiences are valid, because if they don't, if nobody, if someone, or like your doctor, you talk to your doctor, they didn't experience it, so they don't feel like it's that, you know, it's difficult for them to validate your feelings, so together, we will strive to embrace motherhood with confidence, and joy, I've made it my mission, as I mentioned earlier, to empower first-time moms, and anyone facing the complexities of perinatal period, I want to ensure that you never feel alone, and unheard during this transformative time, so my dear listeners, thank you for joining me on this journey, and I can't wait to connect with each and every one of you, stay tuned for our upcoming episodes, where we'll delve deeper into various, various aspects of perinatal mental health, and beyond, much more, so mommies, and all my listeners, remember you are strong, resilient, and deserving of the support you need, together, we'll navigate this remarkable chapter of motherhood, and emerge stronger, united, and empowered, until next time, take care, and I'll see you in the next episode.