Hidden Gems_Boundaries 12.16.23

Brooke and Tessa discuss the importance of setting boundaries in relationships. They believe that boundaries protect us from negative situations and create peace and balance in our lives. They also mention that God wants boundaries for us and that overgiving of ourselves can lead to codependency. They provide examples of boundaries in dating, such as having a curfew and not becoming emotionally involved too quickly. They emphasize the importance of staying true to our own values and not crossing boundaries that may compromise our well-being. Good evening everyone. Welcome to Hidden Gems Podcast. This is our first episode and we're very excited about it and I'm here with Brooke. Good evening everyone. I'm excited to be on this podcast with my dear friend Tessa and I'm hoping that we can give you some gems of information today. Little things that you can take home with you, maybe you're driving. It's a beautiful winter night right now and we just want to be here with you and support you and tonight we're going to be talking about... Boundaries. So here's my, I wanted to give you a little background about boundaries. So I'm not sure what your background is or how you feel about boundaries, but growing up we were always very cautious about pop psychology. So boundaries sounded very strange and silly to me. When I first heard about it, I don't know, probably when I was in my 20s or 30s, but I would have conversations with people and they'd be like, it sounds like you have to put up some boundaries. I was like, in my big fat crazy family that's insane. And I was laughing like that is absolutely ridiculous. How can anyone put up boundaries? No, there's got to be another way. Do you have any thoughts about that? Yep. I think boundaries, like you said, kind of are a hidden gem that was discovered, you know, maybe, I mean, it's always been there, but I think more talked about in the last several years about how we need to create these boundaries and boundaries are good because, you know, they protect us from situations that might be, you know, not the best for our souls, is what I understand them to be. And while boundaries are hard at first because you have to ultimately change the dynamic of relationships when we set boundaries and maybe relationships that aren't going the way that you want them to go, or think they should go, or maybe you don't feel a sense of peace in these relationships and you're trying to establish peace ultimately for yourself. And I think that boundaries are really good because I think God wants boundaries for all of us. The Holy Spirit wants boundaries because God is, you know, God is of order in our lives. He wants nothing but peace for us and he does not want an element of chaos for us in our lives. So I think just knowing that God wants these boundaries for us to protect us and so that we can have the most peaceful, you know, relationships that we can. I've used boundaries quite a bit. Sometimes they don't work, sometimes they do. But I know that they're very effective and I think people can be startled at first if you're testing out these boundaries on, you know, whoever it is. Maybe it's a friendship, maybe it's in the workplace. A lot of us have to put up boundaries in our own workplaces. So I think it's important when you're starting out with a boundary, you have to test it on people that you already feel safe and secure with. And I want to know, Tessa, what do you think about this? Well, Brooke, thank you very much. Your insight and your experience is really helpful. Really great. So I am coming from a space where, like, traditionally, traditional Catholicism, there's these concepts of dying, dying to yourself and putting others first and loving, um, you know, loving your neighbor as you love yourself. You know, there's always these ideas, which are great. And of course, we want to follow Jesus's teaching. But I would like to, um, I would like to mention that eventually I found how the concept of boundaries is within traditional Catholic teaching. So, um, I think it actually falls under the opposite virtue of the vice of sloth. And what I mean by that is, I think sloth is kind of misunderstood because we think of sloth as laziness. But that's not necessarily so. You could be a very busy person but still fall into the vice of sloth. Why? Well, because sloth isn't just laziness. It's doing things that aren't your duty. So if you're more interested in doing your neighbor's work rather than your own work, then you're actually committing the sin of sloth, if that makes sense. So when you're, um, so in regards to boundaries, a lot of times we do maybe too much for other people, instead of taking care of our own household, for example. Or maybe we're taking care of overly concerned about others when we really need to be doing some self-care, for example. So those would be boundaries, going outside of your boundaries. I think of it as driving and staying in your own lane. You know, and, and, um, you don't want to go cutting off people when they're trying to get somewhere or whatever. Maybe that's a silly example, but yeah, there really is something to staying in your own lane and, um, and paying attention to your own driving rather than someone else's driving. Yes, exactly, as our lovely Tessa has described it. Um, I also was just curious to see what the internet said about boundaries. Um, and it says a boundary in relationships is a clear line. It can tell you where to stop. It can define where one thing ends and another begins. And in a relationship, boundaries define where, where things like our, um, personhood, our identity and our responsibility and our control begin and end relative to the other person. So I think it's interesting to, to note that it begins and ends because everybody has a discrete, uh, way that they operate their households, their workplace, um, all the things that we have to manage. And I think boundaries are really good because they create a life of balance. Um, cause God wants us to have this amazing life of balance and freedom and, you know, they create that freedom in a sense to know where to draw the line. And maybe we want to also discuss today, you know, if there's any kind of information or situation you want to share where you've had to draw the line. I know I've had to draw the line a lot in my life, um, because I can be, I would say very, uh, what's a good word for it? Sensitive in a way to things that might go on in the world and, you know, relationships. So I like to have clear boundaries and I, I establish clear boundaries. I think where it can get lost for people is overgiving of yourself. When you overgive of yourself, you can develop, you know, codependency with other people and other things. It doesn't just have to be people. It could be an overuse of whatever it is. Maybe it's exercise, maybe it's overspending, um, to just make ourselves, you know, feel a sense of regulation or regulation, regulating how we feel. And we might be using or overextending ourselves in ways that we shouldn't. So we have to really, you know, it's like a stop sign, you know, stop and go. I, I, I always equate it to you have to know when to stop and when to go. And sometimes even though you could be having fun at that party, you might have to leave because maybe it might lead to overdrinking, um, other things that could happen. Maybe use of conversations, um, also known as gossip might occur, you know, talk to a conversation. So boundaries in a whole are just amazing, um, creation to protect ourselves and other people. So Tulsa, would you like to share, I mean, an example of how you started using a boundary in somewhere in your life, whatever it is, whether it's something you, you know, had to exercise a personal discipline for, or just, I don't know, maybe give the audience or people listening to our podcast an idea of what you did. Okay. So I guess the most, uh, significant or relevant application of boundaries comes with dating, honestly. So, um, we're Catholics and we strive to live a life of virtue. And one of the virtues, of course, is the virtue of chastity. So this is, I think, a good example of how boundaries are very important for your spiritual health, your mental health, and your physical health. So I suppose I don't have a very specific example off the top of my mind of how I applied boundaries in dating, but, um, in general, you know, I would have a curfew. I try to leave when the night is going well, rather than, you know, I think when I was younger, I was, I would be having a good time and I would just stay out really late. And maybe that's, things kind of take a downturn, you know, if you're at a party or something, or you find someone you like and you're flirting with, and then maybe at the end of the night, they tell you something you don't want to hear. You know, so some good boundaries would be, you know, not staying out too late, not drinking too much, even deciding where you're going to meet this person. Unless you're living with your family, when you're young, it's one thing, perhaps he could pick you up, but if you live alone, I would suggest not having him meet you at your home, meet at what they call a third place for a few days until you get to know him better. So those are all examples of boundaries. And also, even on a psychological or emotional level, you want to be careful about how emotionally and psychological, psychologically you become close to a man, because there really is something that I think is called emotional promiscuity, where, you know, maybe the guy is having trouble with his girlfriend or wife, but he might come to you for comfort and consolation. Well, I think that's a boundary we should try to be careful of, because if, obviously, if you're married, you want your husband to only come to you, I would say, for emotional comfort. What do you think, Brooke? Yes, I agree that they should only be talking to the ones they took the vows with on the day they said, I do. I often question when they come to other people, it's like, maybe it should have been the day I said I don't, you know, because I think that then we kind of, you know, the boundaries open up another conversation to even like, people can, if they don't have boundaries, they can be doing things out of loneliness. I mean, it's a box that keeps on opening. If you don't have the boundaries and you're doing things out of loneliness, you're maybe dating people that you shouldn't be dating, and maybe also marrying. And, you know, it's, you don't want to bend and fold for others, you want to bend and fold for yourself to what's appropriate in God, in God's eyes and what God's will is for your life. So I think just boundaries are so super important in every aspect of your life, you know, boundaries for when you go to bed, because like lovely Tesla was saying, you know, staying out late at a party, that's a boundary, because then if you overstay, you end up maybe possibly having some extra wine and cheese, extra vino, and then you can't get up in the morning. So it's measures to protect us. And, you know, I didn't understand as much until I got older and developed wisdom and knowing that, well, there's a reason for everything. So boundaries are amazing. I think maybe we want to let our podcast listeners know of some ways that they could start with, you know, exercising boundaries. I think a good way is to, like I said earlier, to recircle back, test it out in someone you trust. So if you know you have that friend that you trust, and maybe you have plans with that friend, but you know, maybe I want to see the friend that I haven't been getting my rest this week, or is she going to be upset with me? I think we often go back and forth in our minds is, is this person going to be upset if I end up saying no or putting up a boundary because I need to get my rest, or because I've burned up all my time at work this week, I've burned up all my time, you know, giving to other people, and I just want to see my friend. But we want to test them out on people that love and care for us, and that ultimately support us, and know that if we say no, that we can't, just an invitation that they are still there for us. So my number tip number one is using these boundaries in a place that you feel safe and secure. Do you have any other tips to add to tip number one? Lovely Tessa. Well, that was great, Brooke. Thank you. Yeah, that's a great tip. Well, one thought that comes to mind is my spiritual director from many years ago told me that putting up a boundary is like closing a door on a cat, and the cat will keep scratching for a while, and the cat will be very and the cat will be very upset, but eventually they stop. So, you know, for people who really struggle with boundaries, I think there's legitimately this fear, you know, you love these people so much, and you don't want to say no to them. And they, you know, perhaps your relationship with these people are, is that you're the one who has been making all the sacrifices, and you love them, and you don't want to say no. But sometimes you have to put up the boundary to see if you are really that important to that person, and it can be really hard because in my own life, I've put up boundaries, and it was real. I would be like, okay, this person just isn't going to make the sacrifices for me that I've been making for that person. And these are all kinds of friendships, family relationships, and whatnot. But then, you know, the truth sets you free by recognizing that, you know, the people who you thought you could rely on, you're really not as important to them as you thought. Then you can use your energy for the people who really do love you and care about you, and it's better that way. Your cup should be overflowing. You shouldn't be running on empty all the time and getting sick because people have all these demands on you. I mean, I know that's an extreme example. I don't think that happens to a lot of people, but it happens to some people. Or sometimes you're ignoring somebody that really does care about you and really does that really does need your attention, and you're like paying attention to this other person who treats you horribly or takes advantage of you. Anyway, I think that's relevant. What do you think? I think you really hit the nail on the head with that, Tessa. I think, you know, energy should be matched. I mean, sometimes it's always not always equal, but I think a relationship that really is good, like Tessa was saying, your cup is overflowing. That's a great example to use. It should be overflowing. Both of you are sacrificing for each other, whether it's a friendship, whether it's a serious relationship that you've entered into, whether it's the workplace. I think the boundaries can be a great tool. Not everyone's going to be on board, and we have to accept that. Keep exercising them. I would definitely, in my opinion, say keep exercising them, even with the people that aren't understanding it. Eventually, like Tessa said about the cat, the cat will be okay. The people will be okay. The relationships or the dynamics, most importantly, might change, and know that it won't be the same relationship that you had, but it'll be a better one primarily for you and for God. That's really what we should notate on this aspect of boundaries. We shouldn't be afraid of boundaries. God does not want us to fear anything, and I know they can be very difficult and very challenging, but often when they're used, you'll have a successful outcome. Maybe you might have a relationship that doesn't like the boundaries. You might lose that relationship or that situation, but God has another one planned for you, and it might be a time where you're feeling lonely, but God has something else planned, so always note that. One thing I also want to say about boundaries, I think we can tend to also get into these relationships because we ourselves don't have boundaries in the beginning. Maybe we are seeking situations out of loneliness, whatever it is, whatever the situation is. It doesn't just have to be relationships, so we have to always come back to ourselves and ask, is this relationship a good one for me, and is this relationship going to get better if I have boundaries? And number three is, am I aware that this relationship is going to change when I do set boundaries? I think we have to keep that definitely in the forefront, and I think we have to get excited about boundaries because they're going to help everyone. Yeah, that's really good. I agree. I absolutely agree that we should look forward to setting our boundaries and see what God has in store for us. I mean, at the end of the day, it's what God wants for us, and I think in my younger years when I didn't understand boundaries, I thought it was I thought it was something selfish, but it's really not. It's the order that God wants for us, and at the end of the day, we're putting God's law at the center of our life and God in the center of our life. We love God, and we love all the people that He has placed in our lives, and this discipline of boundaries really helps our self-control, but it's like building a muscle. It's something to be practiced, so I am so grateful that we got to share our thoughts this evening about boundaries. This has been amazing, so thank you so much, Brooks. Do you have any closing thoughts? Thank you so much, Tessa. It's always a pleasure to be here co-hosting with you. I just think, you know, try the boundaries and just walk forward in faith with these boundaries that everything's going to be okay, and don't be afraid, and that's really all I have to say in God's hands, in God's speed, and it's been a pleasure to be here with you tonight. Thanks again, Brooks. Well, God bless all of you, and we'll be praying for you, and please pray for us.