2024-02-03 Giving up the idea of happiness

A long time ago I gave up the idea of happiness, at least I realised it seemed to have a very ephemeral quality and it was subject to tremendous misunderstandings and confusion. I thought this was what I wanted and then when I acquired it I realised I didn't. What had made me happy suddenly didn't make me happy. What I thought would make me happy didn't. And even when I was happy, even when there were the moments where happiness arised and in the present nothing else was needed, it didn't last. There was too much underlying, too many things, too many issues that needed to be dealt with, resolved, understood, I don't know. So I sort of, I realised I have to give up on this. I can't seek happiness. You know the American ideology of the pursuit of happiness, I couldn't pursue happiness. I could experience happiness that could come out of something that wasn't pursued, unexpected even, from the most unlikely place perhaps yet, but I couldn't seek it. And so when I stopped trying to seek it or wanting, it's not that I don't experience things that make me happy, even little things. If I find, well I'm currently watching the second season of something that I really enjoyed the first season of, I put it off actually, I've had it for a while, a few weeks and I've watched other things. It's almost like I choose to get rid of the things that I know, they're not bad to say, you know it's nice to have choice and things, but I know I'm not really into it and I have a tendency to defer gratification, to defer, if I've got two things, the one thing I really like and another thing that's okay, I might go for the thing I don't like so much first rather than the other way around. And that makes me happy. I enjoy good drama, I enjoy a good story, I enjoy that type of thing. I used to enjoy sharing the things that I liked, but actually once I had, had an experience where I got to enjoy something I liked with someone else who also enjoyed it. It could even have been something I'd seen before, so I knew what was going to happen, I knew how good it was and then to see it reflected in the other, they've enjoyed it and I've enjoyed it again because I can often watch things again and then also through the eyes of the person who hasn't seen it before and if I'm watching something fresh with someone who's enjoying it, I used to really like that feeling, so much so that then watching things alone was a little disappointing, it wasn't as good. I could watch the things alone, but I wouldn't want to watch something that I could have shared with my partner, my friend, I wouldn't have wanted to have done that, I would only be watching something that they wouldn't watch, that wasn't something that they would be interested in because obviously we wouldn't both be interested in the same things, but the things that we were both interested in, I loved to watch those things with them. It didn't have to be a partner, it could just be a friend, but just sharing the experience, I think perhaps that's why people go to the cinema, to have a shared experience amongst many, many people and I haven't done cinema for a long time, it doesn't really work for me like that, I prefer one other person really, or two, but one other is enough, it doesn't have to be a crowd, certainly not strangers, who I can put something on, share something knowing that I'm going to, mostly knowing that they're going to love it and then when they love it, it's very rewarding, it's like I've given a gift and then I've received a gift in return. But it's been a long time since I've shared what I like with anyone, I don't think about that really, I have moments where I imagine, oh so-and-so would really like this, I think even going back to previous 20 years, oh Sarah would have liked this, oh I would have liked to have watched this with so-and-so, but it's not a very profound experience, it's just almost like an echo, a memory of something from before, I'm not longing for it again, I've sort of learned just to appreciate the experience myself, because obviously even with the other timings got involved, I was really keen to watch something and then they're not available and or they're not in the mood or they actually, they're not interested, those things can be disappointing, the rough with the smooth, I'm trying to please them, I'm thinking about them, what would they like, I don't just want to watch something I like, it has to be, it has to work, but I like to find that thing, so I am, I have them in mind, well now I just watch what I like, what I like, some of the things I think I'll like, I don't like and some of the things I'm not sure I'll like, I love and that makes me happy, I put quite a lot of time into finding what I might like out there, what's available, I mean often it's not difficult to find it, but I do put quite a bit of time into making sure I get those things and I still find sometimes I've missed something I know I will like but then as long as I find it eventually that's all that matters. My time alone, if I'm not doing food or acquiring food or perhaps having a wander and then listening to music maybe, I've been taking to doing that recently, or acquiring things in the library and so on, if I'm not doing sort of the stuff that I do, in between that when I'm absolutely free, when my inbox is empty, all has been done, nothing else is needed, nothing is pulling at me, I usually engross myself in something, a good film, an episode of a show, I can binge, I have time, weather permitting, I'm comfortable in the van, in the van is where I watch, I do watch things in the library, I watch YouTube stuff, but I don't get into things, I don't watch the things I would watch in the van there, it's not ideal for me, but I can watch some things there, I save the good stuff for here, where I can have it just as I want it, in the dark, good picture, comfortable, stuff available, I can pause and just walk to the shop and get something I might suddenly want, and that makes me happy, I am able to find happiness, peace, contentment, in this moment, just as I am, no one else is needed, nothing else is missing, it's good enough, yeah, it's not perfect, I'm sure I could imagine scenarios where I was more comfortable and a nice lazy boy recliner, great, when I've had the opportunity to sit in a reclining chair that I found comfortable, it's so lovely because I find that actually it's not easy to be comfortable, it's not easy for me to get comfortable, to find comfort, to be able to let go of my physical, to not be distracted, so when I do, it's a wonderful experience and I have done, so I know what it's like, but I've accepted a lot of, I suppose you could say, compromises in a sense, just because it isn't practical or possible for me to experience things as I once did, and that allows me to still find moments of peace and contentedness and presence where this moment is good enough, and I suppose I have forgotten, like it is said that the pain of childbirth, making many, and I'm not doing that again, and then after a while it sort of gets forgotten and they end up doing it again, it's sort of like that, I have forgotten what it's like, I don't know that I ever know, could know how to be, I can't imagine, because in order to even imagine, never mind having the experience of that process of getting together, becoming familiar, spending time with, I know, as I remember, as I recall, in that process I lose myself, it simply can't help it, because I am no longer just focusing on me, I am hardly focusing on me, I don't want to focus on me, I want to make it, I want to learn, I want to discover, which means I'm open to, aware of the other, so I lose myself, and it feels perfectly acceptable to do that, I want to do it, I don't stop it from happening, because it's intoxicating for me to be around another person who I can be around, who wants me to be around, and who wants to be around me, it's intoxicating, so I do my best to know them, I do my best to show them, to be the best version of me, he comes out, it's not an act, it is me, but I don't get to be him unless I'm in that situation, he's dormant, and I just, I'm alone, so I do alone things, in order to avoid suffering, or at least the result of which would be suffering, is not to be sitting thinking, this moment isn't good enough, there needs to be a different moment, I need to be over there, doing that with them, and if I'm not over there doing that with them, I suffer, that makes no sense to me whatsoever, it's not that I wouldn't enjoy being over there and doing that with them, I just don't think about it, and even if it seems like the idea is not out of the question, I can't even go there anymore, I can't dwell on it, I can't project, I can't imagine, I can't dream, all of those things are connected to seeking happiness, pursuing it, needing to acquire something I currently do not have, so if I can find it without those things, if I don't need those things to be happy, even if it's not permanent, even if it's still lonely, even if there is loneliness in there too, that seems to be better, more real than the other stuff, or it indicates that change has taken place within me, and it's irrespective of, it's irrelevant to, the circumstances I experience myself in, I don't judge the circumstances as being indicative of who I am, but I recognise that even if I'm not around people, I'm not experiencing family on a continuous basis, or friendship or connection on a continuous basis, something has changed, and that is good enough, it's good enough, I don't desire, I can recognise a want, food still is a bit of an issue, but it's a good example of it, I can recognise a want, I can have, but I don't just do so, I have to not be constantly running towards something I think will give me pleasure, satisfaction etc. I don't do that, food is a sort of exception in a sense, but I'm constantly working on it in that sense, but everything else, anything else, mostly everything else, I just let it be there if it's there, I don't decide anything about it, if this moment is good, it's great, I'm not trying to hold on to it, or prolong it, or repeat it, even though I might be very happy to prolong it and repeat it, I don't attempt to create it, I can't do it, I've never been that good at doing things like that anyway, and much prefer to respond to somebody else's idea of what could happen next, I like that, I like that they've thought about it, that they've felt to do it, they've wanted me involved in it, and they've wanted to do it with me, I like all of that, and I am almost 100% likely to accept, just because it makes me feel different to do so, and I like that difference. In the past I would have wanted more of it, long before I was even finished, trying to get re-elected, like a politician who's been elected to represent the people, and spends a great deal of their time on the process of re-election, rather than representing the people. They forgot, they lost sight of why they're there in the first place. So if this is happening, if I'm having an experience with someone, and I'm enjoying their company, enjoying the conversation, it's stimulating me in ways that aren't normally what goes on in my world, I just am happy to be in that, it's good enough. Because if my aloneness can be good enough, then a quality encounter and interaction and time spent with another human can be way, way better than that. And then there's no disappointment that it's over, there is only a glow of the experience, an echo, a feeling that lingers, and it's warm, and I feel good. It feels like I've lived, I've really lived a moment of connection with another human, because the vast majority of my time there is no connection with another human. I'm used to it, I've chosen it, but I've also become used to it, and it seems like it makes a lot of sense, it just works, where intentional connections and desires and wanting others doesn't, not long term. And I'm not looking for something that just lasts a short time. Sure, something can only last minutes, an hour, a day. And I used to want things to be continuous, so that the idea of being in a relationship, friendship, connection, see each other every day, love each other, know each other, with the right person, there should never be any shift of that, any loss of that. You might do other things, you might not see each other for a while, life does this, but it doesn't change the underlying solid structure that exists and can never be affected. I used to think that maybe it was a naive imagining of something that just cannot happen. We're flawed human beings and perhaps that can't happen. I don't think like that anymore. It was a sense, in a sense, a belief, an idea I carried, that unconsciously or otherwise, I moved towards when I thought, when it looked like it might go that way, and then attempted to consciously or otherwise, hold it in place, support it, create it, to give it the best possible chance of realising, of realisation, of seeing it really here. So having let go of that idea, having learned that that concept, that pattern of behaviour, that idea, just wasn't something I needed to have anymore. That by letting go of it, by not actually being fuelled by it, I am more peaceful, more content. This moment is good enough. I have what I need. Basic, simple, not longing for more, not trying to reach for the stars, not trying to reach for the moon, not trying to reach for basic, simple, not longing for more, not trying to replace something that's perfectly good with something that's just a little bit better, just because that's what is there to do. Oh, I can, yes, I'll have it. Get me two. I repurpose and repair and reuse. I don't recycle because I don't want things that I can't repurpose and repair and reuse. I'm not interested in obtaining something, a single-use piece of plastic for two seconds and then recycling it and thinking, oh, I'm saving the planet. And I also recognise, because it could be, an element of this has definitely been present previously, in that when there have been long periods of time, and this is, well, this is the my longest period, for sure, of solitude and celibacy, that the alternatives, the opposites of that, become even more enticing, in a sense, just because of their absence. Now, this having been the longest period since 2019, the beginning, so five years, basically, I'm not experiencing a kind of longing for what's missing. I'm not susceptible, subject to, although that's, having said that, no one is making it seem, at least I'm not aware of it, that were I to want something from them, I might get something from them. I don't have those thoughts. If they're not absolutely, completely overt and obvious about something that they might feel, I don't notice it. It's just, I don't see it. And that's fine by me. It stops me from misunderstanding, making the mistake, misreading, all of those things take place. All of those things took place when I thought that they weren't taking place. I wasn't misunderstanding, I wasn't misreading, but I was. I just didn't know it. So now I know that that's something that happens, I can't then act as if I don't know it. So it makes more sense that if something is presented to me, then I have something to work with, because it's right, it's being presented. If it's not, then it isn't something that wants to be presented, and I don't have to imagine it, or create it myself. I don't have to want it, or desire it, or make a move, or do a thing. It doesn't work for me. I can't do it. If I try to, I lose myself, and that's a price I can't pay anymore. I used to think it was a price I was willing to pay. It was a price I had to pay, otherwise nothing would happen. I have had experiences where the other has come to me and made it completely obvious that all I had to do was say yes. I didn't have to do anything other than accept them. It's very flattering, and accepting them seems to be the right thing at the time that it is accepted, until very quickly after that. It's not that I've just simply been flattered, and my ego has inflated, and it needs to deflate because that doesn't work for me. So, I don't know that I have any conclusion to any of this. There's no rule. Do this, and it'll all work out well. I don't have that. I can't have that. I have to remain as open as I can, as open-hearted as I can while recognising that I also struggle with issues that can shut me down and turn me away, and I have to, that's part of my process, my prep, my work, to balance all that. So, I have no conclusion. This is just an opportunity to observe an opportunity to observe reality of what's going on without deciding anything. If I conclude, oh, it must be like this, then immediately I have to jump into the life that makes that a reality. If I conclude something else, that's what I have to do. That's where the shift takes place. It's almost like I'm in potential. I'm in the bus station, and there are some buses. I could get on any bus, and it will take me in the direction that it's going to go. Each bus goes in a different direction. I might not know which direction I want to go on. I might get on a bus, but once I get on a bus, once I buy a ticket and get on a bus, it's very difficult to get off, and I'm so far away from the station. If I decide down the line, this isn't the bus I wanted to be on, this isn't the direction I wanted to go, it's too late. So, in some senses, it's easier just to remain in the bus station where all the buses are available, whatever buses might be there. There might not be many buses, but let's say the buses are available. If you're in the bus station, that's where they all come and are there for a bit, where you can choose to get on them or not. Now, I've got on a few buses before, and maybe I'm back in the bus station, because that's the safest place to be. I don't have to make a decision. Sometimes buses then leave, without me, of course, and then they're no longer on the table. I can't decide those, they're gone. But it seems like if you wait in the bus station long enough, another bus comes by eventually. But if I've been there long enough, and I've got used to being in the bus station, and it just becomes easier to stay there, I can observe the different buses that come in, I see what takes place, what it is, what it looks like, and then I just lay down and go to sleep, because that's where I live. I simply cannot choose a bus, I simply cannot know which bus will work for me, and I simply cannot get on a bus at random, because immediately I realise this isn't a bus. It has to be something that I absolutely am drawn towards, that I'm certain about. I don't know what will take place, I don't know exactly what will happen, but that doesn't matter if I have that feeling. If I don't have that feeling, I have to stay where I am. So in a sense, I feel like I'm in potential. It's not like I've got offers, as there's people around me all waiting for me to make a decision, but it feels like I'm in a position to make decisions, I just don't make decisions that change things very much. I can't make a decision that changes my life in the way that I've made decisions to do just that in the past. I don't feel like I can do that now. I don't seem to have the tools, the ability to do that anymore. It's been removed from me. So as I started this thing about happiness, I have chosen to find happiness in small things, insignificant things, little things, that the idea of big things is just too much, overwhelming, can't go there, and can't imagine happiness in those things other than something that creates complications that at some point remove all possibility of happiness, that again I have forgotten how rare and special the situation I am in is in many ways. And I did that in a sense with the first van, life experience. Yes, that van was more challenging in some ways, but also it was really good in others, and I was willing to get rid of it, give it up, to actually explore the idea that I've talked about of love, of connection, of being together, of being in relationship, of making it work, of learning and having that experience again, but this time with somebody who's exciting and so on, going around again. I gave it all up to do that and it was a long journey. It ended up in places I never expected to go to and experience and never expected it to happen, all to come all the way back essentially to the van. Not the same van, very difficult to acquire this again, had to give up several times along the way. I do recognise the value of it. It's different this time because last time I was always trying to get out of it. I'm not trying to get out of it, even though it sometimes isn't easy to be in it, weather-wise. And yet, in it I am. And I just thought I would look at this. I'm glad I have. I don't know exactly if I've realised anything. I'm never really sure about it. I will probably listen to this another time when it's... I have no idea what has been said. And maybe share it.