Always getting what I can get p2

The speaker reflects on their desire to give something meaningful to others. They feel that sharing their insight and words is the best way to do so, but they struggle to find satisfaction in it, especially when it's done remotely. They prefer having conversations and making connections in the present moment. They acknowledge that they have created a separation and don't interact with people much, but they appreciate unexpected acts of kindness from others. They don't want to take these gestures for granted and remain respectful and grateful to the charity that helps them. So what is it I can give? I've always wanted to be giving myself in some way, like this, sharing myself. I can't do money, I can't give money, I can't give things. I even struggle to give time doing things or jobs, you know. I can do it, I've done it, but it's not the same as me giving my insight, my perspective, my words. That's what I want to give. Unfortunately, I haven't yet found a way of feeling satisfied from that giving. Yes, sometimes what I've said connects with people, makes a difference, and it's lovely. But their response doesn't give me what it is that I would, I suppose, need to feel. It's just not possible, especially if it's over text at a distance. Talking to somebody in the present, speaking to them in a way that makes a difference to them, that elicits a feeling of having made a difference in the moment, in the present, that I recognise. I'm not doing that. I'm doing it in the van, remotely, perhaps sending it as a kind of monologue, but it's not the same as a dialogue, it's not the same as a conversation. There's nowhere for you to step in, to respond in that moment, rather than me continuing. Sure, you could stop it and think about it, as if you were having that conversation, but that's not ideal. A conversation, I'm saying something, it triggers something in you, you respond in the moment, I listen. It might go in a completely different direction, it might not go where it would go, or could go, just monologuing. So it is different, it's not in place of, it's just a way to bridge the gap. Otherwise the gap would just be too big and there'd be nothing I could do with it. I am not having conversations with people. I am not being genuine and real and clear, generally with people. I'm just keeping to myself, getting my food and coming away. I'm not having conversations, I'm not making connections. I feel overwhelmed by what can come from it. It has to happen naturally, spontaneously, organically, but I think I'm interfering with it, I've created too much of a separation, because I can, I don't need other people, even though there are times when I absolutely do. But if I can get to a place where I don't need other people, then I don't have to interact with them, which is in many ways more honest. Because I'm not doing, I'm not with you because I can get something from you, or you might give something to me that I might like or benefit from. We all like that, but it's more magical when something happens that I have no idea could have. I didn't seek it, didn't even imagine it, and suddenly there it is. That feels different. And I like those, they just don't happen that often. But they do happen. I even had one the other day. Just as I was leaving after breakfast, the guys called me in and said, we haven't really spoken, you know, my name's... I said, oh, hello, Simon. Yeah, I'm all right. You know, if there's anything we can do for you. I said, well, you know, I got a bag of laundry done a few weeks ago, that really helped. I'll have another bag soon, but otherwise I'm just in my van, I'm all right. So just as I was leaving, he said, so do you come at the weekends, do you come by? I said, no. He goes, would you like to take a couple of rolls for the weekend? I said, yeah, sure. And they took out and bagged up two beautifully fresh large baps, with buttered baps with lettuce and bacon. And they were so lovely, instead of... I couldn't keep them for Saturday and Sunday, I actually ate them on Friday, both of them at once. I just love the texture of the rolls, I love the bacon, it's better than ham. It was just such a lovely thing and so unexpected. They don't do breakfasts, cooked breakfasts at the weekend, but they do these rolls, and I don't go and get them. But he offered it to me and gave me two, and they bagged it up, and I said, I really appreciate you, and I left. Because I don't want to take it for granted, I don't want to... What can I get? I'm entitled to this, I can get that. I only get help from them when I need it. Breakfast is good enough. Washing my things, fantastic. There's even a shower there, although I've only used it once. I have other options, but I know it's there, and I don't want to take it for granted, and I don't want to abuse it either. But I don't talk to them, but I am respectful and grateful and humble around them, because I appreciate that this is a charity that is helping people, many of whom are far worse off than I am, and I am also helped, and I recognise that.