A Mask I Didn't Know I Was Wearing

The speaker realizes that they have been wearing a mask and acting as a caregiver, even though they are not genuinely a caregiver. They admit to having ulterior motives for being seen as a caregiver, as it gives them access and acceptance in certain situations. They acknowledge the temptation to repeat old patterns of behavior, but also recognize the need to act differently in order to grow and change. They discuss their struggle with certain impulses and the potential consequences of giving in to them. They express a desire to be a better person and to not hurt others, but admit to occasionally overstepping boundaries. They reflect on the importance of acting with integrity and the need to learn from past mistakes. They mention their interactions with someone they care for and how it has both positive and challenging aspects. They also mention the temptation to engage in inappropriate behavior but acknowledge the importance of making the right choices. They discuss the moral issues an I realised something earlier. I saw a mask I was wearing and had forgotten it was one. Again. It's so easy to get lost in what seems to be me but actually isn't. I've gone over this in my mind. I don't know if I actually need to talk about it. If there's anything more to find, perhaps this is the only way I'll do it now. I am not a carer. I only act the part of a carer. It's a big difference. Even though, you know, some people say, oh, fake it until you make it. I don't want to fake it. But I realised that I actually have an ulterior motive to be seen that way because it gives me access. I am accepted in areas where it is nicer to be. But I wouldn't actually be there without it. So even though I'm not a natural, genuine carer, that there is a possibility of me making it about me at any moment, that at the end of the day it is all about me, even though it does seem like there is caring, even because if I'm going to play the part of a carer I ought to play it well, and by actually experiencing being in that position, I am essentially tested that in order to be, in order to shift, to change from repeating old patterns of behaviour, I have to act differently in a situation where it would be very tempting to repeat old patterns of behaviour, especially if it's been a long time since I've enjoyed that experience. So it makes it even more tempting. And I can see exactly what it is. And life has ensured that so far I haven't acted on it, been able to act on it, because the circumstances haven't been right. Because I'm not making it my sole focus, I'm not desiring it, and I'm only saying that if that moment arises that I might actually go there, it's easy for me to accept that it didn't happen. I'm not disappointed, it's just the way it is. But in a way I've been protected from having to fail, in a sense. Perhaps I wasn't ready, that I would absolutely have repeated old patterns of behaviour and suffered the consequences, whatever they might be. And I would realise that I was suffering the consequences as a result of those old patterns of behaviour and have to go through whatever it is I have to go through to somehow come to realise or accept that I have to do it differently. I've already been here, probably more than once, and I haven't done it differently. The only reason why I haven't repeated those patterns of behaviour for a long time is that I haven't had the opportunity. I have been exiled, incommunicado, out of touch, protecting both myself and others from what is not real. So I had forgotten that as I am, you know, well into this period of being around this person that I care for a couple of hours a week but actually have felt feelings for, but can also see how much it means to Kay that I do that because it's as much for her as it is for her daughter. And I love Kay and I'll do anything for Kay, so I'm very happy to have been able to help her have periods of where she can let go and not worry. I'm trusted. But to be trusted, to be in a position of trust, one has to act with integrity. And I'm nothing, I'm a manipulator. Even if I'm not actually manipulating, I'm always able to be, I can slip into being that, see a way to make something happen which can be interesting and exciting for me because it sort of is a kind of creative experience. At any moment that can happen. I just make myself available to it. And if I act on certain impulses, like a drug, like an alcoholic who hasn't had a drink because they can't just have one, and if they have one they'll want two, and if they have two they'll go through the bottle. And so if I have the experience that excites and gives me that feeling, I might instantly recognise the danger signals that tell me that I'm going down a path that won't be good. I've been there before and it won't result in anything that makes me feel ultimately good, that raises my vibration, makes me better. And I want to be, I say, I say I want to be a better person. I can't do things knowing that there's going to be a powerful ramification, even if at the time, in those moments, I am lost in a kind of heady feeling of whatever it is that excites me, that I'm getting something out of it, getting off from it, where I shouldn't. Because I'd want it again and nothing else would really matter. Once I've tasted, once you've had a taste, I've never tried heroin, most people have never tried heroin, but it seems like those who do want it again and again and again, and before long many of them are in a terrible state physically. All that matters is that drug. I don't know if it's exactly like that because I've never had it, but I can imagine that the experiences that make me addicted are addicting. I am strong-minded. I can stop things. I just stop. And it can be a struggle for a bit, but I accept the struggle, and then in a short space of time it's not as much of a struggle, and I'm no longer susceptible to following that old way. But it seems like there are some things that I've not got rid of, or at least I've not shown that I am, I have, by acting differently. And the only way I can act differently is to be in exactly those situations, those circumstances where I could act like before and not do that. Make a conscious choice to go against the pull, to walk away, and believe doing so was right, and it's not just about me being gratified in some predatorial way. Something like that. I'm always kind and considerate and don't mean to hurt or make anyone feel bad, but I can overstep the mark, go over step boundaries, go beyond what I ought to be willing to do, not too far, not with abandon, not without awareness, but yet at the same time there is this part of me that does not have to comply with the rules, the laws, social norms, etc. They're just ideas and beliefs that I don't have to abide by. That doesn't mean I'm not susceptible to ramifications and punishment if I do certain things, but I have to be careful that I don't just ignore it, and go for it, and my conscience won't let me. I'm not free to act in any way I want and I don't give a fuck about you. The problem is I give a big fuck about you. I care about people tremendously and can't bear the thought that I unintentionally did something, or even intentionally, but hurt somebody, especially if I didn't realise that that's what would happen, which is a very unconscious state to be in. If you are able to act in a way that you didn't realise it was going to cause this problem, in a way that you're not... it's like a child, you're not guilty, it's OK, you made a mistake, but nevertheless it still causes an issue. And if I haven't learnt, if I should know... but you should know, because you've done things like this before, and you've realised, and you've had pleasure, but then you get this suffering, where the ego, the conscience, reminds you of how the effects of choosing this have on you. It's like I keep having to go through the same experience, because somehow I'm not willing to learn, let go, and I have realised, and I have let go, but I keep coming back, like an addict, who isn't able to give up. They've made numerous efforts, try, try, try, I thought you were giving up cigarettes, and then you're smoking again. Some people just can't make it happen. It's only this one thing, but life has said, right, we're going to take you away, and you're going to make choices that keep you away, and I'm not acting, I'm not trying to have in any way an experience that produces it, and yet there is this thing, which is either something to experience, or something to recognise as a test not to. That no good can come from it. Not if I'm recognising how important being at peace, solitude, having a little job, having contact with kind of like my surrogate family, that's what they're like, she's a sort of, essentially a surrogate daughter, and Kay is a surrogate partner friend, and yet there's aspects of my character that could see things differently, and that makes me fake, because they're hidden. It's a hidden thing, I can't reveal it. I'm only playing the part of a carer, that I'm not actually a carer, for the majority of the time I just take care of myself. I care about myself, I'm not interested in what other people are doing, they can just do it, as long as you don't interfere with me, then it's not affecting me, and everyone has the right to do whatever it is they feel they want to do, because they also have to deal with the ramifications of what happens if they've made a choice that isn't good for them. Obviously we have laws, and they're in place to stop people acting in ways where they should have known you can't do that, and if you do it, you'll be punished for it by society, perhaps even put in a cage. Well, I'm not saying I want to have that experience, although I came close to it once in my life, it isn't something I have to have, I've got my little cell, and I'm free to come and go, I don't want anyone telling me what to do, even though it may be there are times when actually it's very easy to just surrender and give others the responsibility for your life, three meals a day, somewhere you don't know bills, dentistry, doctors, everything is provided, glasses, in prison. But unlike before, I'm not interested in acquiring stuff, money, and I wouldn't do anything to hurt anybody and make somebody afraid, so I'm not doing anything that would allow me to end up there. Although, I suppose, were she younger, because in a sense she is sort of younger, and was she not an adult, then there could be ramifications legally, if I was to have some interactions with her. Fortunately, where things take place, there's no privacy, and so it's another safeguard, it's like life saying, yes, you can do this and it will benefit both of you, and her, and there's love and kindness and support, and you get a shower, it's a little job, it's lovely, but there's nothing else can happen, because no matter what you might think in a moment of temptation, there's too much to say, no, that's not appropriate, and you'll never act like that because you're aware that it's not appropriate, and I'm not trying to manipulate life, her, it, into an appropriate situation where I can do that, so it's good, so it's okay. That moment hasn't come yet, there's been a moment, but it wasn't fully taken advantage of, but there could be another moment where it is possible to experience that, and that, I suppose, would be my test, my true test, where do I choose, what's my choice, make your choice, and act on it, and accept it. It's not like those opportunities would happen very often, that's what used to tempt me with Vera, because it wasn't easy to be with her, we weren't getting on, and I still wanted a physical part of a relationship, and so I had to find ways to do it that worked for me when I knew that they didn't really work for her. But because it was, they were few and far between, it was very difficult to say, I won't do it, I did, there was a moment, but I regretted it terribly because I now still, it made me want it even more, and it made me feel bad that I'd actually given up something that would have relieved that feeling. Yeah, so maybe I'm saying, I don't want to admit it, I guess, but it's like there's a part of me that's compelled, that wants that, and there's a moral issue in that it may not be moral to really, not in a sort of regular society, and yet I have no idea how to be around people where I would be around people where it would be part of it, I would actually find that, I imagine, really difficult. That's why it's a very strange experience for me, and it works best if I'm not tempted, because I'm not thinking, I have thought about it, but I'm not regularly thinking about it, especially now I've recognised that I can't focus like that, I can't think like that, no good will come from it. I have to recognise that those are thoughts I have, and that it is my choice whether I act on them, it has always been my choice, even though there may be this feeling of compulsion in a sense, it's still a choice, it's still a choice whether I step towards or walk away, it's always a choice, and therefore I can't blame, there's no blame, it's no one else's fault if I make a choice that I come to regret. I have experienced making choices that I've come to regret. Yeah, I can make the best of where I am as a result, but I can still recognise that the choice I made came about because I didn't really understand, I wasn't as aware of myself as I should have been, I was in denial, I was not really seeing clearly. So if I see something, I can't then turn around and say, well I didn't see it. It's one thing to not see and realise I should have, but if I'm honest and I didn't, then there's forgiveness, I made a mistake, we all make mistakes. The thing is to repeat, to be forgiven for doing something that was wrong, that you realise is wrong, then do it again, and hope to be forgiven again, so that you can do it again and so on, which seems to be in many ways what people in the Catholic Church do, going to confession. The reality is, no, you can't do that. If you're genuinely forgiven, if you forgive yourself for your mistake, then you're going to be very conscious of not making it again. It's not just, oh well it's alright, I'll be forgiven so I can enjoy the experience and then be forgiven, have my cake and eat it. I don't think so. So, maybe I did need to talk this out. I've clarified it a bit and I've also created a permanent recording of the realisation and the recognition. And it would also explain why interacting with Eliza has been really uncomfortable recently, because that absolutely ensures that I don't feel connected to her in any way that would make me go closer physically, intentionally. I can't help it, I'm drawn to her when she's a certain way. So, yeah, there it is.