I Am A White Man Now

Hello, and welcome to the first episode of Salt My Ground, where we'll be talking about all the bullshit that bothers me. Um, yep, so, you know, thanks to the Hellscape dystopian landscape that has become the world and life, I have finally decided to debase myself to do podcasting. This is one of those things, it's like, eh, I still have some dignity that I haven't jumped into OnlyFans, but I've lost some of it and I've decided to go into podcasting. I am every 20 to 30 year old white guy on the face of this earth. And here I am. I actually do want to think of this summer as my frat boy summer. So, I started to get into craft beers, um, I might do some weird gray area sex stuff, who knows? Who knows where the summer is going to take us? But, as I'm doing this, I realize how much respect you need for, I just, I'm going to have so much more respect for the podcasting community. Because you see, you see guys, and they're just hanging out with their friends, and they're talking about, like, fucking a couch, or, you know, the ins and outs of porn, and you're like, that's fucking easy, like, anybody can do that. And then, you put a headphone on, and you're like, fuck, what am I going to talk about for an hour? And we're not even at two minutes. This is not easy. And my mouth is already getting dry. And I'm like, this is, this is going to be difficult. And you're just riffing by yourself, in a room, and you're like, really? The headphones and the equipment are the only thing that stops me from being a client, in a mental word. That's really it. If anybody else, if you saw me do this stuff without this equipment, you'd be like, oh, something is wrong with Steph, we need to call somebody, we need to get help, help is on the way. It's, wow, it took, it took less than three minutes for me to switch and think that white men are some of the smartest men of our generation. Because it's, it's all of this, it's, and you know, and I say that because podcasters are predominantly white, or at least, I don't know, maybe that's the one I listen to, so then maybe that's a bias on me, who knows? But I do feel like it's a very growy thing, and then you're like, my God, there's so much, you have to know which app to use to record your podcast, what equipment to use to edit it. Oh my God, these men are geniuses. Absolute geniuses. So, here we are. So, we cut that out of the way. So, what is this podcast going to be about? So Salt My Ground, um, Salt My Ground was something that they used to do back in the day, if they ever did it, but when they would conquer things, when they would conquer land, if there was some sort of revenge, you would put salt in the ground. Because you didn't want anything else to grow. And so, Salt My Ground is basically like a call to action, like, yeah, come at me, bro. It's just a different way of saying come at me, bro. It's also my initials, so I thought that was cutesy, cute. But, basically, this podcast is going to be, because, I know, it's revolutionary, I get it, so, I know, it's been done to death, but it's going to be all the things that irritate me, and bother me, and just grind my gears, and just burn my biscuits, and just, oof, just make me want to grab a gun. Like, a Molotov cocktail, and just burn shit to the absolute ground. So, that's where the inception of this came in. And, you know, I think, yeah, like I said, the world has become this really dystopian place of BS, and the goal is to be funny. I don't know how many times I'm actually going to be funny, because this is something that has happened to me before. I'm funny with friends and family. I can do my little witty observations, but then when you put me in front of an audience or something, I don't know why I just always veer into the dramatic. I don't know why that always happens with me. I'm actually a really good public speaker. I'm not a person that gets, it's funny, I have anxiety for a lot of things, but not for public speaking. As long as you give me even a minute or two just to prep, just to kind of figure out a theme or a topic, I'm good to go. I'm a strong writer. So, you know, that doesn't bother me, but when I had the public speaking class, I'd be like, oh yeah, yeah, I consider myself to be funny. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And all of my speeches were super dramatic, and none of them were funny. So, I'm hoping that this will be lighthearted. I'm sure there will be moments where it's not going to be, just because like I said, everything just, you know, I've become this grouchy, crotchety old man. You know how, like, some people will say they have an alter ego or something, I know it's kind of gay and lame, but I would say my alter ego is some guy named Frank. Some guy named Frank. And you know, Frank, Frank, he's a cool dude, he's like in his seventies, you know, he was like in the service, you know, whichever service you want to think of. He was in a war, again, whichever war, it doesn't matter. But he's like, he's like just a grouchy old dude, and like, just, deep down you can tell he's a sweetheart, but life and the world has kind of soured him a little bit, and he's just very much like, stay off my lawn. That's the energy I have already. I mean, I'm still in my early thirties, and sometimes I might as well be 65, because there are just some things where I'm like, I am completely and totally over this. And that is, that is how I feel. But the big thing that's prompting me to do this, and there's so many things, there's so many things, but a big thing is how awful the job sector has become. I am, I'll be very honest with you, I am unemployed right now. I'll be very honest, that's another thing why I'm going into this. I'm in school for mental health, so psychology and psychiatric rehabilitation. So, I can, I can get a job working in a group home right now. I could get a job doing groups, and actually I do have a job where I do, you know, every month I do, I host an art group for people with serious mental health issues. People with serious mental illnesses. But none of these jobs pay very well, and you need to have a little, a little bit of detachment, because they do get kind of dark, and they do get relatively fucked up places. So, that's a big part why I'm trying to get into, you know, a little side hustle. And I think it's something that everyone should do. If you have, have a talent in some sort of field, or anything, like, screw it. Take, take the leap, take the leap of faith and just try. When I listen to podcasts, I listen, I listen, the podcasts that I listen to have been, like, such a huge influence on me, and I can feel myself, like, warping. Like, I feel like I'm, I'm Dr. Jekyll, and I've taken the potion, and I'm just morphing into Mr. Hyde, because I listen to podcasts like the Lemon Party, and the Hatewatch podcast. I also like Tim Dylan. He was the first one I listened to. The very first podcast I ever listened to was How Does This Get Mean? I love, I love bad movies. They're so much fun. I love, love when a movie, I have, oh my gosh, it's just such a good time with them, especially, you know, you throw an edible in there, what, it's a grand old time. But it's, it's people who have very different opinions than I had, and it's been really interesting to see myself, like, kind of morph into this deranged, like, character. I, I'm known to be fairly sweet. I'm not, you know, I went quiet there. But, you know, I, I, I try to be, to be kind, and, and polite, just because I try to come to, to view things from the perspective of, like, you have no idea what someone's going through. And it's, it's a good practice to just, you know, go, go in with that, like, and I think too, right, because of having the background in, you know, the mental health field, and like, I've struggled with anxiety and depression. So I try to come, come at things from that approach. And this, I would say since COVID, something happened during COVID when I, when I broke, something inside me broke. And I, I think it was when, when that was happening, my grandma was on hospice, and so I was a primary caregiver for her. And so we're dealing with that, I'm doing online classes. And I think it was, you know, I go on, I have a Yahoo email account. And so going on the Yahoo webpage, and they had a new story about having to use, like, the big, the big, like, trucks, the big tractor trailer trucks to move human bodies, because there were so many. And then underneath that, there was like a story about Kim Kardashian's birthday. And seeing those two things, with especially everything that I was dealing at home in my personal life. You know, when you have to take care of a family member in hospice, a lot of times, that can either show how good the family is, or it can, or it can show like all the fractures. So like me and my immediate family, we got so much closer. So me, my mom, my dad, because we were kind of on the front lines, it was like, it really was like being like in the trenches, because you're just you're just there. And, you know, it's very, it's very interesting. You know, you take care of a kid. And it's, it's hopeful, because you're like, Oh, what's the kid gonna be like when they grow up, and they're gonna teach them this, and I'm gonna teach them that. And when you're, you know, you take care of someone on hospice, you're going the other way with it. Like, I'm preparing to see them through the end of their life. And that's very hard and very bleak. And I think the only way you can be successful, you got to put a lot of your shit to the side. And I'd be like, Okay, I'm just, I'm just here for them. My feelings, my stuff, I can't, you know, it's this weird thing. It's like, you got to take care of yourself. And you have to find support and you have to find outlets. But you also have to be able to, when you I guess when you're on the clock to like compartmentalize and stuff. And yeah, my immediate family, we got a lot closer. It's crazy. And my extended family, it kind of broke apart. And because it just felt like not everyone was putting the same effort. I was my Columbian side, because I'm mixed. And so, you know, my Columbian family is pretty big. And there's a lot of us. And the fact that not everybody was putting in the same effort or energy. And like, there was some family members, they're like, Oh, yeah, I just don't want to see her like that. And I'm like, Wow, I'm like, well, you have that choice, because other people are confronting it, you know, and so just it just, it made me lose some faith. And I like pushed a lot of friends away. Because I was like, I don't want to be disappointed by them, too. And then, you know, you see within the system, how gross it could be, it was just a lot. It was just all of that, combined with looking at this image of like, Oh, my God, there's so many human bodies that have to be put in this big truck. And then underneath, we still have stuff about Kim Kardashian's raggedy bitch ass. And, you know, you know, whatever, I'm not gonna talk about them. We all know what that is. But it was, it was, it was something about those two things, conflicting, that I think it finally broke through. And I was like, Oh, this is all this is all bullshit. Like, none of this is real. And I think that that's when I started to be and I, I started to be open to different ideologies and thoughts. You know, I had, I had always been kind of liberal, kind of liberal, just because of the social aspect. And, you know, I think I was never super annoying. But I think, definitely, I wanted to align myself with like, you know, the victims and stuff like that. And I think I've learned to be more moderate and to be more in the middle. Because it's like, you go too far, one way or the other, and you just start to become a caricature of yourself. And there's, you know, and it's weird that it took me so long, because like, at that time, like, in my early 20s, something that helped me through the depression, and it was like another, you know, I have like phases in my life. And then I have like these, like points of like, oh, wow, this, this impacted me greatly. This, this had a huge change on me. And like, when I was really young, and I had depression and anxiety, I think, you know, it was a little bit of an existential crisis. I was raised Catholic, and I learned pretty early on, at like seven, like, oh, this is probably bullshit. And I think that put in a lot of anxiety in me. It was like, oh, my God, so life has no meaning. So, you know, just like all the things that we've all had to deal with. And then I'm, I'm, I'm a little dumb. I'm a little dumb. And I've, I've just, I've never been in on things. Like, I live in my own world. And so I always, always come across things at a way later time. So whenever YouTube and stuff started coming out, whenever there was stuff on the internet, like, okay, well, before that, I would, I would want to laugh, right? So I would like look up jokes. I'd look up like, all different types of jokes. And so I'm just on this, these joke pages. And I'm just reading these jokes. And I'm like, oh, damn, that's, you know, some of them probably started innocent enough. And then, you know, those jokes would turn like, there was a lot of blonde bimbo jokes. I still remember the one that, how do you break a blonde's nose? Like, you put a dildo under a glass table. And, you know, and, and then, you know, the jokes, the jokes would get dirtier and more screwed up. And then eventually, when I found out about YouTube, I think I started looking for stand-ups. And I came across George Carlin and Bill Hicks and Richard Pryor. And that was like a huge, huge eye-opening thing for me. Because I was like, oh, here, here are people who are very smart and brilliant. And they're, and they're raising my anxiety. Because they're like, hey, yeah, it is rigged. And hey, things are, things are kind of screwed up. And it's weird. But we can point out how screwed up things are. And we can have a laugh at it. And, you know, Bill Hicks' It's Just a Ride has been like, I think about that frequently. Or like, Monty Python's Always Live on the Bright Side of Life. And so, like, all of those things, like, impacted me. Like, you know, it's such a bum deal. You know, life is such a bum deal. I don't know what entry-level attorney negotiated this deal on our behalf. But they, they messed it up. We got zero benefits. We got screwed in this. And I think that humor and comedy is just the way to be. Just, like, trying to get through it. And so, you know, that was a huge thing in my life. And then, I think in my early 20s, like, dealing with depression and stuff, I came across South Park. And, like, I grew up with South Park in the sense, like, we're pretty much the same age. And, like, people that I went to school with, I remember being nine years old, and people doing those, like, they killed Kenny! Bastards! Like, you know, but I just, I didn't really know. To watch South Park, like, I don't know. I just, I never really watched it. And, you know, my parents were not super strict with what we watched. Like, we used to watch, like, I don't know. My parents would let us watch, like, action movies and, like, you know, stuff that was, that was, like, vulgar and stuff. It was, like, they would just make us cover our eyes for the sex scenes. Or, like, you know, bad words and stuff like that. And, yeah, they were, they were pretty chill. So, I could have watched South Park. I just, I don't know. I just never got around to it. But, in my early 20s, when I was, like, at a really low point in my life, I just, I came across their website, and they had all of the seasons. And, I just, I just went through all of them. And, you know, I loved Matt and Trey because they just equally went after everybody. So, it was interesting. Like, I had these likes of these people and these, like, great, funny guys who were definitely more in the middle and more moderate. But, I think, I think I just identified with, you know, feeling like I had been treated badly in my life. So, I just, I just leaned more left. And it, or, because I guess I still had this, this belief. I still had this belief. I still had this belief that, um, like, this belief in institutions. This belief that, you know, like, good trans people are evil. Like, if I were a South Park character, I'm definitely butters. Easily. Hands down. I am Montekia. I'm just, there's always been this, like, little naivety and just, like, uh, just, like, stupidity in me. Where I'm like, no, things will work out. And, like, kind of living in my own little world and just kind of always getting the short end of the stick. My life is still, has been really great. I don't want to sound like I'm ungrateful. But that is, there have been moments like that. And, I don't know, it was just the culmination of all that stuff during COVID that just made me stop believing in things and a lot of things. It made me open to seeing how rigged and how screwed up everything is. And, I think, you know, back when I started listening to Tim Dillon's podcast and he goes, he really goes into it about, um, politics and how screwed up things are and things with corporations, just how messed up things are. I didn't even think that I had really thought, like, even with Jeffrey Epstein, okay, I'm going to be honest with you, I was not really paying attention when that was going on. And, then, it wasn't until recently that I was like, you know, I think there was some foul play there, guys. And, everybody else was like, yeah, this is kind of old news. And, that's just a recurring thing with me. I just get into things later. I just have my, like, epiphany later than other people. But, at least I have one. So, I guess that's good. And, yeah, you know, if you're paying attention to the trends, like, things are not good at all. And, I have no faith in politicians. I have no, it's, now, it's really weird being on the other side because I've never been a person that was, like, super aligned to myself. But, I did, like, wow, isn't that, you know, so cool, first black president. And, you have, like, those moments of, like, wow, hopefulness. And, you're like, then you start to realize, you're like, oh, all these people are friends. And, you know, they have more in common with each other than they do with us. And, you know, having money can break or make things. And, you know, I was also one of those people that was super, like, flabbergasted and offended by Trump. And, now, I'm like, yeah, he's kind of funny. He's fucked up, but he's kind of funny. And, you know, it's just now, now, I think, I was definitely one of those people that was, like, really hurt and offended by everything. And, now, I'm just, like, at the sidelines with popcorn. And, I'm like, this is ridiculous. And, I'm just, I guess I'm, I still have my moments where I'm angry. You know, you get angry when, you know, how many people get screwed over. But, there is a part of me now where it's like, okay, I'm going to enjoy the show, then, if this is what it is. And, yeah, that's why I'm a big proponent. Like, you can't trust any of the public sectors. You know, if you look at the stock market, things are not going so well. And, you know, a lot of the jobs that they have are for, like, data analysis. That's a huge thing. Even in the field of psychology, a big thing is the I.O. psychology, industrial organizational psychology. It's a new, upcoming field. And, it's the psychology of the industry is, like, you know, the actual worker. And, the organization is the employer. Like, the job could be non-profit. And, you know, when you look them up, it says they're there for the betterment of human beings and communities. But, you know, we know that there are corporations and people who are paying people money to analyze data. And, it's like, okay, well, how can we, you know, show the, how can we introduce these incremental changes so it doesn't rile up a lot of feathers. But, ultimately, with the end goal of, like, yeah, we're going to start calling the workforce. And, I just think it's really important, you know, to just kind of have faith in yourself and take a leap. Nothing really matters, you know. And, I think that the things that do matter, like, the people that we love, the relationships that we form. I know it's super gay, super lame. But, truly. But, then, when you're looking at everything else, I think that that's what COVID and how people handled it. It's just not the event of the global pandemic. It's like, I think all of the smoke and mirrors kind of went away of everything, you know. And, I think it showed us, yeah, a lot of these things are fake. A lot of these corporations are fake. A lot of these institutions, everything is just fake. It's all BS. And, it just further adds to the notion that nothing really matters. So, if the same, if that is true, then you don't need to feel bad about putting yourself out there. You don't need to feel bad about taking a risk. Because, at the end of the day, what did you lose if it didn't work out, right? Maybe there's a couple of podcast episodes that are a little bit embarrassing. So, what? At least you tried. Just to put yourself out there. It's cute, right? I'm talking to an imaginary audience. But, I'm also talking to myself. I'm trying to give myself a pep talk. Like, oh, yeah, keep going. Yeah, you got this. You'll do this. You'll figure it out. So, yeah. Hopefully, I figured it out. I guess. But, you know, even saying this, I'm still a jackass. I'm still in school. And, I think we all know what a crock that is. And, you know, it will be interesting to see how higher education keeps amassing more students. Because, it is. Like, the debt is crazy. I don't even know. I'm like one with my bones. And, you know, from my degree, to make even decent pay, you would need a master's. And, you would need a master's with a license. And, yeah, I had done my schedule for the fall. And, you know, whenever you do your schedule, you have, like, priority registration, right? Because these classes fill up so quickly. And, like, there's so many people, like, gunning for certain time slots and whatever. And, I'm doing a dual program. So, there's one lady at the school I go to that's in charge of the dual program. And, so, she was sick when it came to my priority registration. And, it was such a headache. I had to go to other teachers for help. And, it was just nonsense. Nonsense. And, so, that was in April. And, you know, that's when you want to sign up for things. Because that's when things are open. And, then, she sent me an email a couple days ago. And, I was in a serious car accident recently. So, like, you know, I'm like, these things haven't been great. So, I'm like, I gotta just try, right? And, so, she sent me this email. And, she's like, oh, hey. You know, because I split my schedule between the two schools. And, I've been taking, like, 16 credits. That's full-time. But, because I split them between two schools, I'm going to be considered part-time at each school. And, so, when you're a part-time student, you don't get as much financial aid. And, so, again, I first registered for classes in April. April 2nd, to be exact. It was right at the beginning of April. She was sick. She sent me an email. Glad you were able to register. This raggedy, cunty-ass bitch sends me an email. Practically the end of May. Hey, I don't think the financial aspect makes sense, because I'm not going to get the help I need. So, you should either be full-time at one of the other schools. The other school, fuck it, I guess I can say it. It's Kane and Rutgers. I'm from New Jersey. But, Rutgers, the program I'm in is such a niche program. Psychiatric rehabilitation. It's very niche. Most people don't even know what that is. And what it is, is the practice belief principles that people with serious mental illnesses can recover. And they can recover not just with therapy or medication, but with natural supports, with a good environment, with a good job. All of these things are needed to live a fulfilling life, right? So, we focus on that, on giving people the tools to heal and to recover, and to maintain recovery from serious mental illnesses. That's what we do. And it's such a niche program, because the big one is social work. Social workers are way more active politically, so there's a lot more things for them. I didn't know that. I didn't know that you had to be active politically to be recognized in certain fields, but there you go. And they don't have that many classes offered in the fall, and I'm like, so I would need like five classes from them, and I'm looking at the classes they have, and I'm like, I took most of these. So, that's not going to work. And then at Kean, I would have done yoga, because, you know, I'm a cliched white woman now, and I got into yoga last semester or something like that at Kean. In the fall, actually, I took a yoga class for the first time, and I loved it. And, you know, there's a lot of research that proves that yoga is really beneficial for anxiety, for depression. It's beneficial for people with schizophrenia. There was a study from there. But it's really great, and I really loved it. I was like, this is so much fun. And, you know, I'm a bit of a pillow princess in a lot of ways. I want to choose the easiest thing, and so I love restorative yoga, where it's basically like you just take a nap. It's awesome. It keeps out. So, I was thinking of getting my, of minoring in yoga, and I would get my license so I could teach it on the side, and I was like, oh, that's pretty cool. And, like, to go into the mental health field, I'm like, I don't know, but it goes with what I want to do with psych rehab, right? So, I would have just done that. I would have just done all my Kean classes. But Mrs. Wrighty, bitch, told me now, and I should have known. I should have known, but to be honest, I just wanted to register and be done, you know, because at the same time, you're dealing with, I was prepping up to deal with finals and all this stuff. They don't make it easy for you. They really don't. Like, there are some people who are, some professors who are super fucking cool, who, you know, they've been through the rigmarole of everything, and then there's other people that are higher up, and it's like, you're fucking useless. I don't even know why you make this extra money. Fucking raggedy, raggedy bitch. So, this will definitely be behind the paywall. I don't need this to get out, you know? I'm so close to graduating, so that'll be cool. That'll be cool. But, you know, even then, like, I would hope that if anybody in town didn't understand, I have a right to vent. You should be competent, and it's just, there's, the way she sent me the email, like, you're sending me this in May, you know? And it's just like, this is my advice to you, and she's a very, she's hard to get in touch with. We had a meeting once, and she completely blew past the meeting. It's just, she's not on it, right? And she, and we had, I had heard this from other people in the program, that she's not, she's not good. She's, nobody has said anything really positive. It's like, yeah, I just have to deal with her, and, you know, no one's included to talk to this woman. And so, you know, at a certain point, you gotta be honest with yourself, and be like, yeah, you suck at this. Pass the baton to somebody else who will be on it, and who has the foresight to figure things out. So, you know, fuck her. But, um, I don't, I don't even have the energy to, like, email her. I started an email that was very upset. It was like, oh, so you're telling me this now? You're telling me this now? Um, a month after registration? Um, because, you know, if I don't have the money, I would just have to drop out, because a semester, especially Rutgers is fucking expensive. Kean is fucking expensive. You know, I get, I rely on loans and grants, and they don't like to give those to part-time students. Even though I have 16 credits, they don't like to give that to part-time students. Um, and it's, I was trying to go into the semester simply not stress-free, no stress. So it's like, it kind of feels like I'm either going to get swindled, either I'm going to find a solution, or I'm going to be fucked. Um, yeah, see, now that I said it out loud and I'm talking about this, I'm making myself depressed again. So that sucks. So, we'll see. We'll see how long it takes for me to just be like, I guess I will do an OnlyFans to get this money. Um, probably be like, six grand? Six, I don't know, because if they go by credits too, one class is a four credit class. She didn't even tell me the right credits. I'm taking seven credits at Kean, and nine at Rutgers. Um, she didn't even do the math right, because she's so fucking stupid. It just looks so bad. Um, so we'll see. We'll see if I somehow get the money, if I have to form myself across the Eastern Seaboard, or, you know, maybe, maybe I'll swim. Maybe this will be, um, maybe I'll find success in, in something, right? Because I've wanted to do, I've had these ideas for a long time, but I, I think I understand now, too, why people that do find success in a different field, like, why there's, why they would have to deal with, like, jealousy, or why they would have to deal with weird stuff. Because I'm sure there are a lot of talented people, or a lot of people with good ideas, but they just, they just can't make that push. They just can't figure it out and, and do the work of like, okay, let's figure out, uh, you know, what program we're going to use to record. Let's meet at this time. Let's have a setup. Let's, let's talk about this topic. Let's do it so it's funny. And so I, I can see why other people who don't get started, why it's so easy for them to become bitter and resentful. Like, damn, I have an idea. Or they think, like, damn, I'm funnier than them. But it doesn't matter if you are or aren't. What matters is, did you put in the work? Did you actually put your stuff out there for it to be judged? For it to, to create an audience? For it to be consumed? Well, if you didn't, then you didn't do anything. And it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter if you have a good idea or not. If it went nowhere, it went nowhere. So, we'll see. I feel like I'm going to have to have, like, uh, um, sorry? I don't know. I'll see if I can edit that out. I cough. See? Even that. I'm like, damn. I have to do it again. Sorry. It's, it's dry. I should have known to have water or have something to drink. And I watch podcasts and they always have something, they always have some liquid and I'm like, why do they do it? Oh, yeah, yeah, because it's, it's hard to talk for an hour, two hours on end. I'm only, uh, I'm not even that far in. But, yeah. It'd be funny if, like, I can actually do something with this and this is just, this just becomes the lost episode. This becomes, like, me, like the equivalence of, like, me just walking through a desert. I was like, oh my god, look at how, how bad I sounded. How bad the audio sounded. It would be cool to see some progress. Or, you know, I give up. I give up pretty easily. That's another thing that sucks. So. I'm just gonna have to figure this out for me somehow. I guess. I guess a lot of people are like that, man. I have to have a conversation with one of my friends because, like, I know I'm gonna sound like a jerk, but all of our conversations revolve around his job. Or, you know, maybe that's hyperbole. Maybe that's not great. But it's, it's the majority of them. The majority of them. And then my other friend, too. And I'm like, you guys just won't let me enjoy my unemployment. I don't have a funding. I don't have a boss. I haven't, like, let me enjoy this. Shit. I'm like, you know, you wanna be good friends, blah, blah, blah. You wanna be there for them, blah, blah, blah. But sometimes I'm like, shut the fuck up. I don't care. I don't wanna hear it. I don't wanna hear it. I don't wanna hear it. Especially because it's so bad. Like, I'm very solutions-oriented, right? And it's like, okay, well, because I've become that. Okay, but what can you do to fix it? What can you do? And it's just the same tired bullshit, the same tired bullshit where one of my friends, the union, was trying to, like, battle and fight for them. And so, of course, like, corporate doesn't want that. So corporate has been sending in their goons. And their goons have been very sweet. And my friend texted me, and he was like, yeah, they have, like, mini Pop-Tart treats. And I'm like, you sound like an idiot. You know, like, in the loving it way. And so I sent a text. And so it's like, it could go either two ways. Either, like, he argues dark with me, and I'm like, yeah, I'm not into this. Or he just doesn't talk to me for a while, which, if all we're gonna talk about is your job, I'm okay. Like, it's, you know, we don't talk often. And when we do talk, we're just talking about your job. I don't care anymore. I don't care. I don't care to hear about way 565 of how a corporation is screwing up the ass. I don't care. And I don't care to hear that they said, oh, this time it's different because they used a little bit of lube. I don't care. I don't. I don't. This has been going on for months. And I'm like, dude, like, why don't you put in your application somewhere else? I have another friend who has a government job. There was an opening. And, you know, it's one of those, to be honest, I feel like these jobs are gonna become the unicorn jobs of, like, 8 to 4, and it's got government benefits, and the starting pay is, like, not super high. It's not great, but it's not bad. And you're at a desk from Monday to Friday. You don't take any of your work home. You got the weekends. You got nights. It's a unicorn job. And, you know, my other friend was like, hey, I've got an in. She's offered it to me, too, but, you know, my schedule is I have a lot of classes during the day. You know, because I'm still doing my undergrad because I'm a loser, you know, the Patrice O'Neill joke of, like, oh, if you're, like, in your 30s getting your degree, your life has not been kind to you. There's been some misgivings. Things have been screwed up. Let's be honest. I know what it is. And that's the thing is, like, when people are like, you know, it's so hard. It's so hard. It's so hard getting your degree. Like, yeah, I'm fairly smart. I know how to study. I'm like, eh, it should be fine with me. You know what they didn't tell me is all the time that you're gonna fantasize about taking a pistol and just putting it in your mouth and just pulling the trigger. The moments I've had to do group projects with people in their 20s. I have had fellow classmates that are just dead behind the eyes and just don't lack any charisma or anything. The future's bleak, and I've had to work in projects with these people, and I just wish I could tell them, like, you are so bland. You are so boring as a human being. You can't even handle simple things. And I just want you to know that I have truly considered ending my own life because of you, and I just want you to carry that. It's hard. It's really so hard. It's hard. But, you know, hopefully when I do, when my stupid ass does my graduate, you know, if not, I'll take that job, too. And he bitched and threw a whole little hippie fit. And I'm like, dude, dude, bro, brofist. And after that, I was like, all right, well, babe, you figure it out on your own. Because if I'm trying to help you, and you're not willing to do that, you figure it out on your own. But ever since then, it's like every conversation revolves around the job. So I finally told him, I'm like, every time you talk about your job, a little part of me dies. I don't care anymore. So, you know, hopefully he figures it out, or he realizes, and then, you know, he can't really talk to me about his job, and then, you know, whatever. And then it is what it is. I think, too, watching the Hatewatch podcast, like, you know, if you haven't watched it, watch it. I think that they're awesome. They're, for how talented and funny everyone is, they still have such a small following, and I don't know why that is. And it would be nice to see them one day blow up. Lemon Party has blown up, and that's really cool. I think they're really, they're just funny guys, funny sweet guys. But the Hatewatch podcast, like, they are just brutal with each other, and they just call each other out, and they're doing this in public, even though not everything is shown. Like, there's definitely aspects of their friendship that are private, and you get that vibe. But there are things that they put, like, okay, we're gonna just crack jokes about this, and like, you see how much, how loving they are as friends. And I'm like, I should be able to do that with my friends, right? And it's like, this is like, it's either gonna sink or swim. Like, we gotta get to a point. And I think I kind of shot myself in the foot, because I've been known to be sweet, and now I don't want to be sweet. I'm gonna take something my therapist said, but I would like, I'd like to be sugar-free. He said it way funnier. He was way, he was so fucking cool, but he said it about his wife. His wife had passed, and she was just lovely. She was my therapist first. She was such a sweetheart. And I was like, you know, I was like, oh my god, that's so sweet. And he'd be like, yeah, but there were times where she was sugar-free. You know, he's a black guy, and that's what I tried to do. That's why I had a little bit of accent. I'm sorry, you know, black guy for himself. I had to do my representation of it, but it was just so funny. But I've shot myself in the foot, because people, people think of me as very sweet, and I'm like, I want to be, I want to be my sugar-free era. I don't, I don't want to do this anymore. I want to be, I want to be, I still want to be loving, kind-hearted, but I want to be able to just crack a joke at how messed up things are, and I want to be able to just tell people that I'm done. And I was a little bit of a people pleaser. And it's hard, it's hard to walk that back. And I was talking to my friend Camille, and we were talking, we were talking about, oh, I think she was like looking at tattoos, because we want to get a matching tattoo, because we've been friends since the fourth grade, so we're due. And it's funny, because, so our, the Chinese New Year for us is horse, is a horse, so we wanted to get like a horse-themed tattoo. And like, and this is just why, like, she's one of my best friends, because she sends me the tattoos, and some of them are just like very pretty, very pretty line work, beautiful. And then she sends me other ones that are just hot messes. And I'm like, I would, I would get a joke tattoo. I would get a poorly drawn horse with you. And like, when we tell people we've got to be super serious, and be like, you know, like friends, we've been since the fourth grade, and we just like drew these horses. And it's just like, you know, it's how we commemorate our friendship, and then we show it to them, this really screwed up horse, like, it would just be funny to me. It was, I would laugh at seeing other people's reactions, or seeing other people try to be polite, or they don't really get it. It would just make me laugh. I would do that. I would, I would permanently deface my body for a joke, for a bit. And that's why I love Camille, because she knows me. But, um, so we, so she's going through her, like, Instagram, and she came across something, I think, about a trans person. And, and somehow we started talking about trans people, because we are 50-year-old white men, I guess, at the end of the day. And she was saying something about the outfit, and I repeated, because I'm easily influenced, I've repeated something that I've heard on Tim Jones' podcast, or the Lemon Party, or Hatewatch podcast, you know, it's that stuff that you can't really say out loud, which is, yeah, I'm 100% of course, like, people should be treated like people, duh. But, there's a truth where it's like, if you're a trans person, you gotta do it well. Let's be honest. Let's be honest. If you're in the Bible Belt, and you're gonna be trans, you gotta come correcting, you gotta look really good. You gotta be attractive. And I, and I said that, and Camille was like, what? And she was like, so, she was like, what? That came from you? And it was so, so softball, you know, compared to how I've heard guys talk on podcasts, like, it was, it was, it was really soft of like, you know, human beings, we care about appearances. You can lie and say that we don't, but there's a truth to it. It's why people who are better looking are treated differently. It's why people, if they have, you know, some sort of illness, you know, that they look different, they're gonna get made fun of. It's not okay, it's not right, it's messed up. And the way I think you combat that is for anyone that doesn't fit a mold, you just, you gotta, you just gotta be funny. Dude, you gotta, gotta be able to crack a joke, you have to, you have to be able to not internalize that stuff and be like, screw this, one day I'll be dead at the end. And yeah, this is my hand, and it sucks, and I got a bad hand, but I'ma play it, and it is what it is, right? But the, the reality is you can't, you gotta, you gotta accept it, you gotta accept it that human beings are, are saint and sinner, and good in the same body, it's the whole duality of man, and human beings have the ability to just be awful, and like, we know this because we have human nature in ourselves, I've had to check myself, I've had moments where I'm like, oof, don't like that, and then you gotta figure it out for yourself. And, and yeah, it was, it was just kind of crazy how, how Camille, um, it made me a little sad, because I, I do know that I'm changing, and I do know that there's some of my sweetness that I've, I've kind of let go, um, but in, in other ways, I, I kind of like it, you know, I kind of like being this way, and I think, I think, too, it's like, dishonesty or like pacifying yourself doesn't do anything for anyone. Um, and definitely have learned that being a person who's dealt with depression and anxiety, and who's worked in the mental health field, um, I, I don't really believe in brutal honesty, because when, I think when, when we say brutal honesty, we kind of turn ourselves to like, pick, pick the truth that hurts the most, the most, even, even if it's subjective, like, you know, objective honesty, where it's like, hey, based on the truth, you know, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I,