pdc #4 masterchef 1

The transcription is a conversation between two people discussing the TV show MasterChef. They make fun of the judges, critique the contestants' food, and speculate on how they would do on the show. The conversation includes explicit language and insults towards the contestants. The conversation also touches on the difficulty of cooking and the different tastes and experiences of the judges. because I'm closer to it. I get it, yeah, it's true. Okay. We'll give it back. MasterChef time. MasterChef time. We're making fun of them making fun of people making fun of their food. Well, no, we're making fun of people making fun of people's food. I don't know, but. Don't say that, you see, I think Gordon hates compliments. Yeah, I think one thing that happens is Gordon will get a compliment and he'll be like, okay, this dude, I'm going to crush his entire soul. He'll never want to cook again after this. Oh, nevermind. Oh, he's saying good things. He said, well done. Okay, he actually fucking likes something. I guess they do need contestants. Why did you say that? It's like sexual mouth. I think it's yes. Watch this bald head ass motherfucker hate it. Beautiful balance. All right, Joe, yes or no? Says the man, 100% yes. 100% yes, for sure, best thing we've had today. Absolutely brilliant, well done. Oh, thank you, thank you so much. Don't orgasm, homie. I like, I mean, he's got three yeses from when we were on set and got an apron. Of course he's coming, dude. I like how the other Asian dudes in our chair, they're yelling. Like, represent, it's like the Olympics, dude. Represent. His greatest goal, his greatest goal in life was to become MasterChef. I'm still, my money's still on Tom Holland. Hi. What is that? Oh, what the fuck? Okay, guys, this is what I mean. When you see shit like that, that's when they deserve to be yelled and scrutinized. Wait, what? She won with that? That was like a baked potato, but instead of a potato, it was an avocado. It's, well, yeah. It's vegan coleslaw, coleslaw's already vegan. I really want this. That shrimp did look good, though. I gotta admit, that shrimp looked good. They gave her a run of success. Is it gonna be even now? Oh, no. She's gonna cook her mom's recipe and Gordon's gonna shit all over her mom. Her mom's, like, dead. I'm gonna wick your mom from the fucking grave just so you can taste how shit your cooking is. She should have taught you better. Yeah, she should have taught you to appreciate your meals fucking good. Did she not teach you to fucking chew? Well, it shows your mom had no formal fucking training. And you cook like a fucking dog. I wouldn't feed this to a fucking raccoon. Oh, that's her dad, her father's there. Oh, you're a physician? Well, you better get ready to check me up because your food's gave me fucking sickness. Oh, your mom died four days, your mom died a couple of years ago, four days. Well, that sucks, but your food, shit. She's crying, dude. They're giving her an emotional moment. They're going to shit all over her food. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Those are burnt ass. That was a heartwarming story, and that was great, and I think your mom would definitely be proud of you, but I'm not proud of you. You fucking suck. Get out of my kitchen. Well, I'm sorry, but you'll only be her daughter the doctor because you're not a master chef. I mean, it doesn't actually look bad. This food doesn't look bad. Does it not? No, it doesn't look that bad, but they show it again. It's just like chicken. Yeah, see, it definitely is very edible. They're not saying anything. They're like... That's how you know if this is scripted. I guess the question to me is, can you take this to the next level? Oh, can she, though? Can you cook outside of the cookbook? I'm a learner by nature, so I'm just here to... I'm a learner by nature. I'm a physician, you know? I learn about new diseases all the time. Patients are earned more than just a home-cooked dish, so we have to feel that passion and that hunger and that determination and that will to succeed. And I just don't think you have any willpower. Yes or no? Oh, don't go to the ad, man. No way! I like how Tubi's timed the ads with the fucking commercial breaks. That's actually pissing me off, I'm not even lying. It's like, why would you do that? Because they have scripted breaks. There you go. How far do you think you'd get on MasterChef? I don't even think I would get through the front door. You're Mom's Lillia Cook. You have to know something. ...have toys and play. How far do you think your mom would get? Probably top four. Really, you think your mom would get top four? I'd give her that. I think, I mean, honestly, I could see top four. I could see top four. Oh, dude, imagine what Gordon Ramsey would say to your fucking mom. Your kid's probably got a fucking lazy eye because you don't shit cooking. It's like, oh, how'd you know? Oh, that's even worse. He's a fucking muppet. What would you, if you had to cook Gordon Ramsey a meal, what would you cook him? I know what I would cook him. I would cook him Hot Pockets. No, I'd cook him the Hot Pocket mac and cheese that I like, and he'd shit all over it, but I just, like, I know myself. Gordon Ramsey could shit on something I made, but I wouldn't give a shit. I'd still just be like, okay, you didn't like it, you didn't like it, you didn't like it. I'd just be like, okay, you didn't like it, I don't give a fuck, cool, whatever. I'd be like, I like it, and then I'd start eating it in front of him. I'm like, him and that fucking bald douchebag could shit all over my thing, and like, so hard that my ancestors feel it in their graves, right? But I'm still just gonna be sitting there smiling, like, okay, and then start eating it. Fuck if you like it, I don't give a fuck. Fine, my mom told me not to waste food. Obviously, white-naked kids can only do so much. That's because there's two-faced whites and there's pressed 3D whites. It has to suck being as kids, man, because, like, imagine you're just trying to cook, like, SpaghettiOs, and Gordon comes in, and he's like, what the fuck are you doing? Where's the seasoning? You don't put, you've got that as a bloody can, a bloody fucking can. Are you trying to get cancer? You're putting it in a fucking microwave. Why do we have a fucking microwave? We don't need a fucking microwave. I got a bit too heated there, didn't I? I really felt it. I think we successfully entertained ourselves for that commercial break. She's crying. So many people cry on this fucking show, thinking it's going to get them any sympathy, but they've probably seen so many people cry so much that their daughter could come home and be like, Dad, I got beat up at school, and Gordon's like, yeah, well, did you fucking fight back? Like, he probably doesn't give a shit anymore. I know the first season of Hell's Kitchen I'm pretty sure the winner, it was between an actual chef guy and some mom of three, and they got to the finale. I think she loses in the finale, but Gordon, like, offers to put her through school and everything, so like, I mean, this woman could pedigree win MasterChef. And I don't, see, I sit here and make fun of these people, we sit here and make fun of these people, but cooking is actually, like, super hard. Like, to get to this level of what they're trying to do, it actually does take a lot of work and everything, so like, and their taste buds are built for this shit, so they probably are tasting different things than we're not. Like, I could probably eat anything these people make on this show and love it, 100%. But they're probably tasting for different things, they know what they're, it's like wine tasting. Tom Holland made it! Let's go! Spider-Man! Spider-Man. But, um, what was I saying? You are such an asshole. You, you're, this is why I needed Robert, because Rob would remember. But yeah, I could eat anything on this show and most likely fucking enjoy it. Like, they could just serve it to me, and I'd fucking eat it. They could probably cook, like, an ox tongue, and I'd probably still eat that fucking thing. But they're probably tasting for different shit that we're not. Like, they're looking for different stuff, different textures, they probably can get it. Like, like wine tasting, I don't remember, I don't know, wine tasting. People, when they taste for wine, they, like, sip it, they sniff it, they twirl it around and stuff. Like, what are you looking at? Can they spit it out? Do they have a spit bucket? I'm like, what the, just drink the fucking wine, dude. I drink wine, I'm like, okay, this tastes like red, and it's kind of sweet and tangy. I hope he loses. You wanna try it? It's right there, come on. Hey, Ramsay, you wanna suck my nuts? It's right there. Can the judge, even the announcer's done with his shit, dude. Can they stomach David? Oh, he's from fucking Boston. Everything this guy says makes no fucking sense. How does he go from being this goofy guy, to then saying he's a fucking software engineer, to saying some fancy fucking French word, like boulanege, so fucking elegantly. Who is this man? He went through three different fucking phases of being right there. Did he put the egg in his hand? What, who is this guy, dude? Bro, bro, what the fuck is wrong with this man? Jack of all trades, master of none. Who is this guy? Are we just being punked? That's what I'm wondering. Here's the good news. It smells good, yeah. Dude, he better make, he better have just made the best dish ever. I hope he goes home, please. He's my new favorite guy. I thought he was a gimp at first. He's not a cad, he's a chad. He's a fucking chad. Fundamental mistake, fish. That is definitely not a pussy face. Don't get that right. But he didn't say he didn't hate it. Why am I so into this? Look at his face. Oh, he took another bite. If Joe takes two bites, you're in, man. Let me ask you one critical question. Why did you become a master chef? I put my heart and soul in the food. I slept behind a desk all day. I'm good at it, but I don't love it. I love it. So my problem is, when you're good at something, it creates a confidence. When you're insecure about something, it creates an arrogance. A great bouillabaisse takes two days to make, minimum. That is not a bouillabaisse. Arrogant chefs are like blondes in Hollywood. Aren't you a blonde in Hollywood? I don't like the slow stream. What is a real you? Get the bravado, yeah, in the oven. What's you on a plate? What is it? This isn't it. Finally, give me an answer. Finally. Go ahead. I don't know, maybe I'm crazy, but I'll say yes. No, you're not crazy. I thought you were going to say no. I was going to punch your fat fucking chin. Peter Griffin looking at it. What is it then? The Joker? He's the Joker? He's the Joker, dude? Do you want to know how I got these scars? Wait, he said no? What do you think, Joe? Gordon said fucking no. Joe took two bites. Joe, come on, Joe. Don't be a douche, Joe. Joe, I know you're bald and you look like Andrew Tate. Joe, don't do this, Joe. Joe, don't do this. Dude, he's the most coolest. I need to know more about this guy. He's the coolest person I've ever met. I've never met him. I'll say yes. Well, you're a fat guy. You like all the food. Me? I'm a no. Fuck you, Randy. Fuck you, Randy. Hey, Joe. Come on, Joe. Pull through, Joe. Joe? I'm going to bring it. I promise you. Really? I- Really? Because if not, I have him to deal with. Really? You're going to bring it? I'm going to bring it. He's serious, dude. Let him do it. He's from Boston. You can't- Yes! Let's go! I'm sorry. I'm hyped. I like it. They can't hear me. We're in the shed. Dude, he's so cool. He's so- Look at him. Look at his stance. He's like- Did you see him put his arms down for that, dude? He's so hyped. This- He is the weirdest, coolest, most odd person I've ever fucking seen. Holy shit. When? When? Yeah, why do you only get to see them? Yeah, come on. Why do you only show some of them? You have 43 minutes. Come on, dude. Oh, pasta. Oh, you know she makes some good-ass food, bro. She's a big, fat grandma. Black grandma, might I add. Dude, you know she makes some bomb-ass food. That's the kind of food you take home from grandma. Literally. That's the type of food you are bringing a cooler to take home for, bro. Yes. I'm bringing my own Tupperware, grandma. That's the type of shit that they- Like, you've seen those cartoons. They open the door and the pasta- The stew smell will waft out and everyone just goes to the house for like a potluck, dude. This is the bitch that does that shit, bro. If they hate her food, I'm gonna kick her ass into fucking nuts. And then, you know what I'm gonna do to Joe? I'm gonna polish his fucking head so he shines everywhere. Dude, that looks so good. No way. She sounds like Madea. She does. Dude, oh my god, I wanna eat that so bad, bro. Oh my god, that's like the greatest I did ever. Copying recipes from MasterChef. You're mad. That's my fucking phone number. That's my fucking phone number. I really wanna see someone like take a bite and just- They spit it out all the time. No, I like to watch them puke. I'm very excited with what I've seen here. I hate Joe. He never fucking says anything. No, just wait until he fucking starts. He's an idiot. What did she make? Sorry, I'm gonna go back real quick. Arcaida? Terry? They're back? Shut the fuck up. That was close. What did I say? Arcaida? That was close. Oh, my wallet's in here. I meant to leave that in the car. Don't ever rob me, people. I will kill myself. Being the slightest infusion. That you get. I'm not even listening to you. I'm literally not even listening to you. What are you doing? Are you going to bed? I'm getting warm. But I am also going to bed in an hour. Okay. What? You were going to bed earlier. Fuck you. You know, it's 5 AM, homie. Oh, actually, it's true. Yeah. I hope it tastes better than it looks. Yeah, Gordon's just talking shit. How did we get you putting things on the plate with a little bit more finesse? Pasta? Way overcooked. Catfish? But there's a crispiness on the catfish, you know? The catfish is so good. It's really good. It's a penguin thing. My vote's yes. This guy's always vote yes. Who? The fat guy. Yeah, I told you. He's fat. He likes food. I can say that. I'm fat. First of all. Do me a favor. Put that on. Yay! Dude, they keep hooking you in. I know I was joking about it at the very beginning. About how they make it dramatic. And then it's just a show. But this actually is kind of dramatic. I'm actually really into this, unironically. Mac and cheese. It has to be perfect. No, it doesn't. It's fucking mac and cheese. Oh, this is where we start getting into the angry part. I know a lot of times what I want to see is the people that freak out. The people that get bad back at him. And Gordon's like, look, you fucking idiot. You yelling at me? About food? Bitch, I'm a five star chef. I can cook shit better than you can cook grilled cheese. That's a good intro. I can cook shit better than you can cook grilled cheese. That is a good intro. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Murph, do you want this? Nah, I'm hungry. I don't feel like eating that. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Digga, I want to watch this. This looks cool as shit. Next Level Chef. I saw that and I've wanted to watch it ever fucking since, dude. It's like... Is that why we're watching this? No, we watch it because you mentioned it a while back. But Next Level Chef is just It goes from one level down to the other levels and has food on it and it just keeps going down and you have to grab the shit before it goes away from your level so by the time you get to that level three, Evernote took all the good shit. So you have to make something out of nothing. It's really cool. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. That's a loaded baked potato? Well, I'm gonna be dead after I eat this, mate. Fuck you. Watching iFunny. Watching iFunny. He brought her pig plate? It's a plate that looks like a pig. You're right about these being fucking real potatoes, bro. Dead silence. Wow. I don't remember Joe having a mustache. Yeah, we don't cook potatoes anymore. We're not fucking Ireland. Dude, even the fucking fat guy said no. Gordon! You're making a fucking mess, Gordon. He's pouring it all over the counter. I thought you were a master world class chef, you fucking idiot. Oh, look at him, dude. He's dancing. He's got a white... Dude, he... I'm telling you, he's living the best life ever. He's got a fucking white chick as his girlfriend. Yeah, dude. He's living his best life. Word up to him. He was dancing, dude. And he's making mac and cheese. He's just cooking mac and cheese. He's definitely not gonna make it because he just made mac and cheese. And I don't think they're gonna like that. But big ups to him. I call it chic because I jazzed it up a little bit and made it a little more classy, a little more sexy. What I'm doing right now... I'm actually making some parmesan crisps. I'm gonna be making them in the shape of butterflies. What? But this is MasterChef. Yeah. It probably needs about one more minute. That's the last thing I think I ever would have expected to hear from you. You come in with this voice that's like shaking the room and it's like, I'm gonna make you some parmesan butterflies. Yeah, dude. The fat guy made a joke. Yes, yes. It's actually holding together very, very well. He made a parmesan butterfly, too. This is actually so dope. Maybe he will make it with his mac and cheese. Yes, sir. Who knows? Mac and cheese. Joe's like, I don't want to say anything, but this... Ooh, that looks good! Joe walked back. He's like, bro, this is some good ass mac and cheese. The breadcrumbs on it, homie. That shit, you know that shit busts. He thanked him, bro. Okay. Mac and cheese. One of the most commonly known dishes anywhere in the state. If you're gonna do it, make sure it's the best. Make sure this better be the best damn mac and cheese I've tasted in my goddamn life. This better shake me back to my fucking five-year-old boots. Oh, commercial again. Mac and cheese. One of the most commonly known dishes anywhere in the state. If you're gonna do it, make sure it's the best. Take a second. What does it need? Um, seasoning? Seasoning? An amazing potential. Great crust. It's got the most important thing. So are you joking around, or are you taking it serious? If you're taking it serious, you would have seasoned the food. No, I'm taking it very seriously. I'm taking it seriously. I'm taking it seriously. I'm taking it seriously. I'm taking it seriously. No, I'm taking it very seriously. You would have seasoned the fucking thing, you idiot. Get them in here. What? Oh no, Murph. He's making him call it his wife and child. Gordon, it's mac and cheese. Why? Why? You're being a dick. You've been being a dick to be a dick, homie. He just forgot the seasoning, dude. Silas, Jennifer. Jennifer, nice to see you. Is he the chef at home? Yeah. What does it mean to him to be here today? Everything. Dude, she's crying. She's got like a mustache. To be a husband, to be a father. To be there. She's got like a mustache. She's got a deep voice, too. I mean. No, that's definitely their kid. I think she's just, you know. Not the same woman. No, okay. The seasoning is not the most important thing in mac and fucking cheese. The fucking cheese is. It's called mac and cheese. Please don't say no in front of his wife and kid. I think that you, maybe for your own detriment. Have put this in. At least for me in the category of a fake pasta. Dude, they're like whimpering. This is crazy. Then I have to say no. Dude. The dish was missing the seasoning. The salt and pepper. There was one. Bro, I'm so upset right now. This is so whack. They're going to vote him out in front of his family, dude. Look at his son just staring at him like that. Papa. Papa. Papa, please. Gordon, his kid's right there. Don't do it. He's talking to his wife. Gordon, what is. Dude, this is over mac and cheese. You pick that salt and pepper up. And dude. Give that to your dad. That's so cute. Gordon's such a nice guy. I knew he wouldn't do it. You're not heartless, Gordon. You're not heartless. This goes a long way. Well done. This is so insane. See, the thing is. The thing is though. I understand why they're. What they're doing and everything. I understand why they get upset like this. Because this is their dream. This is everything that they want in their life. But they probably have waited for this. This is like some dude. Who at 4 years old. Looked up into space. Saw the stars. And became obsessed with it. And then got a degree at NASA. That type of shit. It makes sense why they're so upset and everything. But Ramsey went a bit too hard there. He brought in his fucking family. Yeah. Come on. Come on, man. But I understand why they're upset. I get it. It's still funny though. Because it's over food. And all of that was over fucking mac and cheese. It's still hilarious. But I get it. If I made a movie. Because I'm a big movie guy. I released it. And everyone just shat all over it. I would be upset too. I would be upset too. Wait, what? They take on the apprentices? Or something? I have no idea. We got one more episode. Before you go to bed. Yep. Which is good. Because it's the last part of the edition. Then we can come back. And watch it again. We can make a podcast. Of us literally watching. The entirety of Masterchef. Phenomenal. I'm getting really into it. My vote is still on. Whoever the guy was that I started freaking out about. Tom Holland? No, the other dude. The dude that was like 3 different people in one. The really hype guy? Him, then Tom Holland. And then the black guy we just saw. Those are my top 3 as well. Those are our top 3. That's who we're looking for. I guess there's still a whole thing of auditions to go through. But as of right now. Never answer my question, Murph. What? What would you cook Gordon Ramsey? What would I cook Gordon Ramsey? Yeah. I think this is pretty centered. Pretty nice. I'd do a nice bacon carbonara. With breaded chicken. Is that it? The way you said that. It sounded like there was more. Gordon Ramsey. Something simple, but something good. Do you know what bacon carbonara is? Yeah. Gordon Ramsey. Where the fuck did you get this breaded chicken? See, he said it at 27. That doesn't seem that young. Someone's got to have beaten him by now. Shut the fuck up, Joe. We don't like Joe here. We don't like Joe. He doesn't even give himself an intro. He's just like, I'm Gordon Ramsey. Everyone's like, oh. He's such a popular figure. He's world renowned. Didn't he cook food for Putin or something? Didn't Gordon Ramsey cook food for Putin? He's a world renowned figure. And the hopes of many went up in smoke. Absolutely not. Yeah, look. The first contestants failed to wow the judges. But the cream of America's culinary crop began to rise. The food is phenomenal. And aprons were handed out. I'm going to say yes. The best amateur cook gets one step closer to becoming American. British Prime Minister Tony Blair invited him to prepare a meal for Vladimir Putin. April of 2000. Putin was visiting the Prime Minister in London after being elected President and they called on Ramsey to cook lunch for them. Ramsey shared this was one lunch he didn't want to mess up. So yeah. Gordon Ramsey cooked food for the Prime Minister of the Russian government. He's a world renowned fucking... He can never not be known as the master chef. No one else has ever done that. Except Vladimir's own cooks. That's insane. She did? She? You're right. She's an employee now. She quit. How are you? How are you? How are you? How are you? Oh, you came when you were nine. I'd like you to go back to Jamaica with your shitty meal. My curry sauté which just started with fresh Jamaican curry that I brought back home for me the last time I was there. I got a little pimento seeds but I took them out because I didn't want you guys to bite in them. So where's the lobster meat? You've got the claw on there, right? Doesn't look that fine, does it? You know the claw is not the most delicious part of the lobster, right? I probably should have put more of the tail on there. I have a huge problem with this dish. Because the sad news is the dish was more appetizing in there. And what you started to do is overwork it. That looks ridiculous. And that looks delicious. What a shame. What a shame you came in from Jamaica. Go back, bitch. Thank you. Thank you. What? I've seen that. I actually watched that one time because I went on YouTube and I saw it and I was like this looks goofy and the guy that voices him is Chris Rock. No, it's Eddie Murphy. Eddie Murphy voices fucking Osmosis Jones. Are there toothpicks in this? I'm a no. I'm a no. Why? Why? It was though. But it was. They were right next to the computer. Well, not ever. Well, they were right there. I feel like you have godly powers. Like where the fuck did you put a Coca-Cola can? It was right there. I didn't put it there. It was right there. There was not a Coca-Cola can on that table. It was right there when I walked in. I promise you it was. Oh, she's gone. No balls. What? What? Yeah, bro. I was cooking fucking grilled cheese at four. No, I mean I wasn't but I could have been if I wanted to. Maybe. What are you doing? I wish we got like a recording of me doing that so when I put this together I can just put that over top this part and then no one knows anything. What? Well, why didn't she find herself? Because she's stupid. How did you lost yourself? Are you like in a maze? Open your eyes. Fuck you. I'll give you what you want. I'll give you what you want. I'll give you what you want. I'll give you what you want. I'll give you what you want. I'll give you what you want. I'll give you what you want. I'll give you what you want. I'll give you what you want. I'll give you what you want. I'll give you what you want. I'll give you what you want. I'll give you what you want. I'll give you what you want. I'll give you what you want. I'll give you what you want. I'll give you what you want. I'll give you what you want. I'll give you what you want. I'll give you what you want. I'll give you what you want. I'll give you what you want. I'll give you what you want. I'll give you what you want. I'll give you what you want. I'll give you what you want. I'll give you what you want. I'll give you what you want. I'll give you what you want. I'll give you what you want. I'll give you what you want. I'll give you what you want. I'll give you what you want. I'll give you what you want. I'll give you what you want. I have a heart attack. I'm actually like drop dead on the floor right now. I like how they're probably doing this dramatic shit for all these people and like the next episode like the next challenge, half of them are gone. We did all this all this camera work for this one bitch and like in the next episode she loses in the first round. Whitney Miller's skills in the kitchen are beyond her 22 years. It's not found out it's beyond the first 13 years. But know her age and inexperience against her. Food definitely consumes my appetite and emotions all out there. Whether I'm at work and I'm sneaking on some kind of website to look up recipes or I'm in a grocery store shopping, I'm thinking about food constantly. And I know that this is a passion of mine that I want to pursue for the rest of my life. It has to suck being like the quote unquote chef of your family cause everyone expects you to make good fussing ass food and then you like make one shitty dish one time and everyone's like what the fuck, you lost your talent. It's like shut the fuck, I hate when people do that shit, when people fuck up one time when they do, you can do something right 99 times, you can mess up once, yeah and it's like oh ok, don't fucking stop me for the other 99 fucking times I, you know, caught the bullet with my fucking teeth, but yeah give me the one time it passed through and hit my fucking uvula, you know what I'm saying? That's the point. I always hate, it's so stupid man. And then you have only opposite, you have the people who will do the thing 99 times and then they'll fuck up once but that one time will always weigh on their fucking head, like forever it's like oh, dude I can't believe that I've jumped through a small hoop of fire by putting a bunch of oil on my body and making it through there 99 times, but that one time I accidentally singed my big toe, I'll never I'll never forget it Bro, shut the fuck up dude Like, come on I guess I can use a more like, relatable example, like, oh I got all A's on all my tests but now I got a fucking 99 on one of them, and then they get a compliment, like dude, fuck you, honestly suck my dick and balls on a Tuesday after I've done sweat and doing yoga for real, like it still pisses me off, man like you did it you did it perfectly so many other times you fuck up once OKAY I'm like a butterfly, sting like a bee and I can't come up with a complete sentence Can I say something though? That was for her? She's sweet, innocent but she's my sister, I've grown up around her, and I know she has a fierce side, and she will get in that kitchen and she will, she will bust her behind and show y'all that she will do a good job. We've seen people twice her age who can cook half as good as she can I'm gonna say yes Yeah, I'm I'm sorry I'm sorry But I think you're gonna have to put the school on hold Aw, nice Dude, nice Nice, chub man For like, yeah dude, nice false sense of hope He got her, that was And I look like an elf I'm serious She loses MasterChef? They never eat a thing she makes again? They're like, no, what if I'm gonna eat what you Dude, Gordon Ramsay said your shit tastes like donkey's buttholes Yeah, what if I'm not eating your shit again? She never makes another meal I gotta say One thing I think I'd love to see Gordon Ramsay as a stand-up comedian, with the way he talks back to these people after they've just cooked a meal Imagine him riffing on an entire crowd of people on a comedy night I would fucking love to see Gordon Ramsay be a stand-up comedy Fuck She said men and women No, she said men and women She's with you now, sexist motherfucker Cause you only heard women You hate men, what? You hate men? Are you trying to get me to say I love men? I'm not gay like you I love men Men are pretty nice Yeah, when they're naked No It's a good opportunity for me to expand I ultimately want to become the best chef that I can be I'm probably one of the most passionate people about my craft that you'll ever meet Gordon, it's great to meet you It's a real pleasure I was gonna say, I thought it was me coming through that door How are you brother, nice to meet you What do you do? I'm pretty much all my life And a big guy like you, putting poncy food on the plate I'm gobsmacked I love that word They say goatee, and tattoos and a big size, and then you pull out perfectly cooked scallops and pull it out of the pan with your fingers It's so much fun to be gay and so much dating This is your signature dish, right? Yeah, I think it is It starts with that spaghetti with my Italian heritage Nice sea scallops Alright, this guy cheered me out when he first got here I like him now I like all the contestants I think I just like people I think I just like people who are passionate about something they enjoy doing So when I see them coming here and they're so hyped up about their own food I was like, yeah Me too If I was them, I'd act the same way I know I would You took a scallion? Are you dying? No, dude, I'll have to burp This shows a lot of promise But there are some big things that you can't overlook with seasoning and things like that Any questions or anything you'd like to answer? No No, I don't want you to answer shit Shut the fuck up and sit there, you redneck piece of trash You are that piece of trash This is probably the only thing that Joe would be good in It's because he owns Italian restaurants So the only thing Joe might actually be somewhat competent in with his answers is anything Italian Because he also looks like an Italian Thank you Thank you very much That's what I was thinking Yeah, they don't like the big guy They don't like the big redneck man What's wrong with you, Murph? Why do you have your fucking flashlight on? Oh my god We can finally have a corner bedroom Oh my god Oh my god Oh my god Oh my god Oh my god Oh my god Oh my god Oh my god Oh my god Oh my god Oh my god Oh my god Oh my god Oh my god Oh my god Oh my god Oh my god Oh my god Oh my god Oh my god Alright Murph Oh, do you have a game? No, but you are Do you want to play games? Do you want to play games? Did you like that one? Why would you say that? Why would you put that in your conversion? Why would you put that in your conversion? A fucking big puree I suppose, yes Because I have the potential to grow And really expand And become a great chef in my heart of hearts Are you dreaming or are you really? I get where you're coming from, I hear you And for me, it's learning from your mistakes The pressure hasn't even begun yet Look at this guy I will transform I mean, Joe, I will make this guy better I'll take this guy under my wing My big fat wing And we'll be big bros together And we'll be big bros together And he'll be amazing I gotta stop making the fat jokes I'm not like you, I can't do it I just don't Yeah, I just don't No, they're just calling him fat I'm refrigerating, I'm starving I think three ingredients I got my salt, my pepper, my garlic My onion, my olive oil I'm golden I'm gonna be America's first master chef Because I'm always driven to the kitchen I guess it's instinctual, I don't know I'm ahead of the game This guy just seems like he All he does is cook He's just so serious all the time No pizzazz No pizzazz No pizzazz No like real show, he's just like yeah I just cook shit I like to cook I cook shit, it's cooking This guy's so weird Murph, look at this fucking guy He carved apples' heads Well apparently I don't think it worked See, another big thing that I Always think about with these cooking shows They never really take into account is There's certain foods that you like And there's certain foods that you just dislike You know, like if you don't like tomatoes And someone puts tomatoes on something And you eat it, you're not gonna like it Because there's tomatoes on it So they have to guess They have to sometimes hate the food That they're eating just because there's something on it That they don't like Like they're biased or whatever, they have to There's no way There's no way that just because you're a chef You enjoy everything, you can't do that There's definitely foods you just won't eat And I can't cook Absolutely dreadful dish Oh She got a hug from Gordon Ramsay I don't know I guess she made some really good fucking food I'm in India That's so cool He did it dude That was so good looking What is this like Star Wars music in the background I don't know I think I know her Oh no She has kids and she doesn't have a husband And she was dying Oh no she has a husband And they were wrong Okay good I'm happy Dude she must be so happy right now She has two kids with special needs And now she gets to deal with these retards Okay that was a much better joke Than you laughed at it As it was And I don't think you're taking into account How funny that actually was what I just said Did you hear what I just said Murph She's dealing with these retards It was hilarious I'm actually upset that you missed that Fuck you You're an asshole Thank you Oh here's Joe Fucking love this guy He's so dead faced all the time I fucking hate him dude What the fuck Are you dying You're a bitch Yes Oh it's so nice I think when The big guy says no But Gordon and Joe say yes That speaks volumes to your skill Cause the big guy Is only gonna say no Because he's being a contrarian It's when you do the opposite Just cause everyone else is doing one thing I guess I 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