Episode 2

The host of the podcast, Gina, talks about her struggles with mental health and how it relates to her birthday. She shares that her biological mother abandoned her and how it affected her sense of worth and relationships. She spent a long time striving for perfection, hoping her mother would come back. At 30, she stopped caring about what others thought of her and focused on what she wanted in life. Her birthday triggers her mental health because it reminds her of her mother's rejection. She also talks about other triggers and shares her experiences of losing important people in her life. She discusses her struggles with anxiety attacks and a toxic work environment. Despite her challenges, she remains grateful for the people in her life and strives to be the best version of herself. What is up and welcome back to the Unfiltered Trainer, this is episode 2. I am your host Gina, aka Gina Marie Fitt, and this is the birthday episode. I've tag-lined it the birthday, I wasn't quite sure if I would see. So today we are going to get real and raw. We're going to talk about mental health, the triggers of mental health, what exactly that means, and how that relates to my birthday. So something that I don't necessarily talk a lot about, especially when I meet new people. It's something that people slowly start to figure out is I don't talk much about my parents, and particularly my biological mother. And that is because when I was younger, she decided that she no longer wanted to do her job as being a mom. And she had dropped us off at our grandparents' house, and that was it. And I have never seen her since. For me, it was one of those things that when the person that's supposed to unconditionally love you, when they don't want you, it gives you this sense of just like there's no way you can find your worth. There's no way you can find value in yourself. I spent such a long time in my life striving for perfection, working exponentially hard, thinking that if I accomplished this goal, or if I got this, or if I did that, that maybe it would be enough and she would come back. And I spent most of my youth thinking like that until almost the age of 30, which is really crazy to say out loud, and it's really crazy to admit. But that actually gave me a really significant complex that I had to work through multiple times in my life because I would hold onto friendships and relationships well after they needed to be done because I had this constant sense of internal abandonment. And when I would fail at relationships and things would go south or I would have a friendship dissolve, I would stay so much longer than I knew I inherently should have because I didn't know my sense of worth and I didn't know my value and I didn't know how to establish boundaries. Instead, I would just strive to be super likable and hope that if enough people liked me, I would like myself. And then I turned 30 and it was like somebody flipped a switch in me and I just suddenly stopped caring about what everybody thought about me and I made the definition, the foundation of this next chapter of my life as to what does Gina want in her life? How do I want to be? Who do I want to become? And what do I want to be known for? And I say my birthday is one of my biggest triggers for my mental health because I didn't used to celebrate it. There's something about celebrating the day that you came into this world, which is supposed to be such a joyous day, and resonating that with the fact that the person that gave you life did not want you. And for a really long time, I didn't understand the purpose of celebrating my birthday because it seemed so meaningless. And we had even talked about choosing another day during the year to celebrate where I didn't have this heaviness and this weight associated with my existence. And it's still something, as I'm speaking on this podcast, that I struggle with when my birthday comes around is just this weird void that I will always have because I will never get to understand why things had to be the way they were. I have made great peace with the circumstances around my childhood and things that have happened to me and the transition from her making the decision she made to us being super blessed to have our biological dad was in our life. He took over, his siblings, my grandparents. I didn't realize until a lot later in life how different my upbringing was because I didn't know any different. And you don't notice those things until you start to meet new people and they ask questions. To me, I just had this really awesome situation where we spent a lot of time with our grandparents and they made us dinner while our dad worked and they would run us to all of our sports. And we had this really large family that kind of just enveloped us. And we didn't get to realize what we really had been through until we were older. And I feel like I am so grateful because of that because even though the circumstances were not normal, they made it as normal as possible. And I feel like that is why we honestly should have been probably so much worse off. But my siblings and I have really done great in being successful, hardworking people and just generally trying to be good-hearted people. And I feel like a lot of that has to do with how blessed we were for the people in our life. And I can say that as I am closing in on another birthday, there is one thing that I have never been able to understand yet I have so much gratitude for. And that is the fact that I am always blessed with incredible people that I am surrounded by. And I always say, God, universe, whatever is above us, I don't know what I did to deserve this, but I always strive to be the best version of myself I can be to do the most I can because I always want to remain in that sense of gratitude and continue to have these circumstances, these friendships, these relationships, these opportunities by just inherently focusing on being in a state of gratitude and always striving to be the best version of myself so that I can continually earn these relationships. And as I say that out loud, I get like a knot or like a hiccup almost in my throat because I'm still trying to prove my worth to everyone because in my head, when people give up on me or when I fail at something, it somehow is an inherent thing that it is resonating back to, because you're not good enough or, oh, you're not worthy enough. And then you go through that weird cycle. And that's why today I wanted to talk about triggers. And the word trigger is something that I didn't quite understand until I went through therapy. And triggers are things that cause traumatic responses in our psyche and in our body and in our life. They're easy to identify, but they're honestly difficult to explain because they're individual experiences. So my two biggest triggers in my life are my birthday, my existence, and my second biggest trigger is the certain time of the year when my entire world fell apart. And that is actually a big reason why I titled this episode The Birthday I Didn't Think I Would Make because in July, I went through one of my lowest times. I don't remember being that sad and depressed since the passing of my grandfather, my father, and my best friend. They all passed away in a very short period of time and it occurred in August, September, and December. And so when my grandfather passed away, he passed away from a brainstem stroke and it was super unexpected. And then my father died a month later out of the blue. And when I got that phone call about my father's passing, it wasn't from a family member like you would hope it would be from. It was from the police because my neighbor had noticed that my dad's truck hadn't moved all day. And so she went over to check on him and she found him. And he had literally dropped dead in his home and there was no reviving him. They could not save him. And so when I got that phone call, it had been a month after my grandfather had just passed. I, at the time, was living in Maryland and my father was still in Pennsylvania. And so I pretty much lost it on the phone. I knew the cop that had called me. He was an ex-boyfriend's best friend and so he knew whose house he was standing in. He knew it was me. And so by the chain of command of working together, they got my information and called me. And then I had to call my family because I was six hours away to identify him. And shortly after that, not too long, my best friend who had been battling cancer had found out that she was terminal. And so through this rollercoaster of losing three of the most important people in my life, the people that had given me, you know, had helped me define who I was, who had been unconditionally loving and supportive, who were able to pull me out of really dark times were all gone. And so this particular time of the year shakes me up to a point that I honestly almost can't function. And it's just this overwhelming sadness that comes in over me. And in July, it was looming that it was coming. And I had already been really struggling. I had developed panic attacks this year, which is just something we will talk about in another episode, as a result of extreme stress being in a situation I did not belong in. And so in the month of July, I had really taken a turn. My anxiety attacks had gotten really bad. I never had experienced that until this year. And the inability to breathe that comes with that is so absolutely terrifying. I'll never forget the first one I had. It actually happened at work. And I had to walk out of the class I was teaching and walk down the street. I couldn't catch my breath. And I'm so grateful for my friend, Ashley, who happened to be walking down that street as it was happening. And I literally just lost it in broad daylight on this sidewalk and couldn't compose myself. And I had been dealing with that for a while and they had gotten really bad in July. And I remember in July just being lower than low, truly trying to figure out why I was still here. Here I am. I've survived so much loss, so much grief. I have been through just a lot of crazy scenarios that will be in many episodes. And sometimes you look at yourself in the mirror and you just think to yourself, how? How am I still here? Why am I still here? And at the time I was really going through a lot in my life. Loss of friendships. Dealt with some not nice people here. Between that my deteriorating mental health and then I had a really extreme toxic work environment. Which is going to be a whole series honestly because the toxic work experiences I have had in Tampa take the cake. There are things that I never could have imagined dealing with, being treated. This has been an extreme year of growth and it's been the biggest roller coaster I've had in a really long time and so all year it had just been this up, down, up, down, but drastic lows. And then at the height of my anxiety in July I couldn't see the point of being here anymore. And I just look back on that time and it was such a dark time and I didn't, I'm not the type to let people know when I'm struggling and so I put on the best face I could. You know, I wasn't the best to be quite honest. I did the best I could but it was this like really minimalized version of who I am. And that was July and every single day I truly was just fighting. Fighting for my existence and then came the months of August and September and those anniversaries felt like the weight of the world was just truly coming down on me. I could not breathe anymore. And I realized that even though you go through therapy and you learn so much in therapy, there's still work to be done. And so the premise of today's episode is to talk about triggers and symptoms and how you recognize them and what you do. And so for me thanks to a therapist my two main triggers we identified were the abandonment issues and the deathversaries as I called them. Something that a lot of people don't know is that our brain encodes traumatic memories differently. They live right outside of your conscious memory and they're things that you carry with you always. And if you don't take the necessary steps to overcome those circumstances and situations and work through them they can be detrimental to your existence. And so something that's really important is learning to identify the symptoms of a trigger response. And so things that I have noticed that are super important especially if you are going through a series of grief or loss or confusion in your own life right now. For me it was the feeling of reliving that traumatic experience. And every time when that period comes around I have these flashbacks of these moments of picking up the phone call and yelling at the cop and when I realized that this was really happening I remember just dropping everything I was doing I grabbed my keys and even pack a bag and I just drove home and I have these little memories of my little brother being in college and my cousins having to go get him and seeing him when I turned that corner when I entered my parents house and seeing what that was like to see knowing that it was just us now. There's just the three of our siblings and we didn't have parents anymore and we still had a whole life ahead of us and it was just going to be us. And so feeling like you're reliving that traumatic experience is one of the biggest things one of the biggest symptoms of having a trigger response. The second thing I've noticed if you're having issues or struggling with grief is that strong uncomfortable emotional reactions that is how I deem those feelings. It's not like oh I feel sad today oh I'm anxious. No it's like deep seated extreme emotional reactions it can lead to panic it can lead to overwhelm it can lead to withdrawal and you can become incredibly defensive and for me those last two can define my months of July and August and September. I withdrew from everybody. I stopped talking to people. I was only going to work. I was avoiding people and then I was very short with people because I was so defensive because I didn't want anybody to know that I was struggling as bad as I was. Part of that is because I don't ever want anyone to feel responsible if I had made the decision I was considering making. I never wanted somebody to feel like they could have helped or saved me. I didn't want anybody to be responsible for my depression and so during that time frame I was not my best self and I definitely have moments where I wish I could take them back you can only apologize so much. I feel like sometimes if people don't know what it's like to endure as much loss and grief as I have it can be really hard for people to process my life and be understanding. Also things I've noticed that are super important like symptoms of a trigger response are the changes in your body. It's really common to have your heart rate increase, to sweat, to have difficulty breathing and this sense that you lack control and for somebody like myself who is extremely OCD, organized, planned to a T that sense of losing all control can truly just send you over the deep end and it can be extremely hard to come back from. What develops for me and I know are super common symptoms my therapist said I have always had this need to disappear like to run away. That is how I have solved all of my issues and when I say solved there's air quotes because I didn't solve anything. I have always just left. My entire life I have just picked up and moved any time I just didn't want to deal with things. Until I moved to Tampa, the longest I had lived anywhere other than my hometown was nine months in Philadelphia during a contract for work. When I say I just picked it up and ran, that is literally my entire adult life. I just would pack my bags and on to the next and it was always an exciting adventure. It was something new and that was my avoidance strategy to not deal with what I needed to deal with and I just kept it moving. Withdrawal is the big one and then avoidant behaviors and so for me I wouldn't deal with the things I needed to deal with. I wouldn't talk about them. I would just avoid them. I would negate conversations. I would leave. I would disappear. I would turn my phone off on anniversaries. I would just avoid the issue at all costs. The last symptom that's really important when identifying what are your triggers is the ones that cause extreme negative thoughts. They're called automatic thoughts. Automatic thoughts are the things that pop into your head when faced with a trigger that cause extreme anxiety, guilt, and depression. For me, I have this inherent thought process that when I get extremely sad, my automatic thought is that the world would be better off without me. I've been dealing with this for the majority of my life actually. I went through therapy after my biological mother gave us up and we identified that very early on as for some reason that is where my brain goes. My brain just thinks, the world would be better off without you. You're not doing enough. You don't matter enough. You're not good enough. The world would be better off without you. That is just this natural process that my brain goes through. Then I have to work my way through that and work my way out of that because I know that's not right. Once I've been triggered and I face these time periods, that is where my brain just naturally goes. Once you notice symptoms of your triggers, what's really important is learning to recognize those triggers. If you're starting to have these moments right now in this podcast and you're thinking about scenarios you've been through, pay attention to how you feel. I always notice the extreme anxiety, overwhelm, the inability to calm myself down, or the inability to reason with myself or other people to reason with me. Those are scenarios that can be identified as your triggers. Something that's really important is to listen to yourself when you can't let go of something. When you can't shake your thoughts about something, you are being triggered. Those are super important things that you should be writing down, seeking to identify, work through, and get help because those thoughts can completely deter and be detrimental to your existence because you will believe them. Once you start believing things like that, things can go awry very fast. How do you understand and deal with this? This has been heavy. We've identified what a trigger is, we've talked about the symptoms, we've talked about how to recognize them, but how do you understand and deal with them? Something that was really important for me was that there's no cure. There is no solution, there's no way to just stop them. It's something that you truly have to identify what they are. Understand the inherent reasoning behind why they're triggering you. Why are those moments so important to you? How do you deal with them? How do you deal with them? How do you deal with them? How do you deal with them? How do you deal with them? How do you deal with them? How do you deal with them? How do you deal with them? How do you deal with them? How do you deal with them? How do you deal with them? How do you deal with them? How do you deal with them? Mindfulness plus mindfulness will be how to understand these. When you're aware of what your triggers are, your feelings, your emotions, and then you include mindfulness, you will be able to understand yourself, your scenarios, the people around you better, and you'll be able to work through these triggers. When you're faced with these moments of adversity, you can manage it, work through it, and be better off because of it. Super important things, things that this is kind of like your takeaway, your call to action today is a five-step process that I work through myself that I feel used to this day. The first thing is to notice patterns, routines, things that once felt familiar. Pay attention to your reaction to them, and pay attention in those moments when you need to focus on you and you need to focus on self-care, focus on your needs, your actions, your desires, and your wants. The second thing when you're enduring one of your trigger responses is to rest. Remove yourself from the scenario, take time for you, and process everything you're going through. For me, it's extremely emotional and exhausting, and I sleep a lot. I sleep a lot around the anniversaries, I sleep a lot leading up to my birthday. In some way, that can be an avoidant behavior, but also it's something that needs to happen because it's the exhaustion that can lead to those thought patterns and those automatic thoughts that can lead to processes that you don't necessarily want to endure again. The third thing is to understand why. Acknowledge the importance of what is occurring. For me, those are some of the most important people in my life, and for my birthday, that was a huge path in my life that defined a lot of who I am, and a lot of the reasons why I am who I am. Because when you know what it feels like to feel that low and worthless, you strive to make everyone in your life feel loved and supported and celebrated and honored because you know how low you felt, and I would never want anyone to ever feel as sad as I felt when my mother left. Fourth thing is seek therapy and develop a support system. I was really embarrassed when I found out that people were talking about me and my mental health, and they were judging me for the things that I was posting on social media. It was really hurtful because when I was posting on social media in the beginning of my health and fitness business, I never thought I'd develop anything. Not a following, nothing. I had no idea what was going to be ahead of me, and it is because I was so vulnerable, open, and honest that I did develop a small following, and the fact that people had a lot to say about what I was posting on social media was so hurtful because my friends on social media are part of my support system, and when you don't have parents to go to and work through things, sometimes just putting it out there, sharing what you're going through, and the immense amount of feedback I would get from people when I would share what I was going through is how I'm still here today. It's how I survived the month of July and August and September and how I worked through everything I had gone through because I was putting myself out there, and I was getting tons of messages back, people appreciating the vulnerability, being open, being honest, being real, being genuine, and then it helped me to overcome the fact that I was so fixated on these people talking about me because I thought they were my friends that I realized that true friendships are understanding and they are willing to work with you as you work through things, and so the fifth thing that I encourage you to do that I am learning right now in my own life is the importance of simply taking care of you. I know that sounds cheesy. I know that sounds cliche, but believe me when I say the best thing you could ever do is take care of you, and sometimes that might mean removing yourself from toxic circumstances. It might mean you unfollow certain people. There is nothing better you can do for yourself and your mental health than you define your needs and you take care of you. Your brain is trying to protect you from further trauma. It's trying to aid in your recovery always, so take these steps as learning tools and resources that when faced with scenarios like these when you have these extreme emotional responses, you'll be able to identify them and then develop that appropriate support system, and don't be ashamed if that includes therapy. There's nothing better than having an intact support system who understands what you've gone through and isn't going to judge you because of it, and I promise you there are good people out there who when you put yourself out there and share your truth, they're going to be nothing but supportive. They're not going to judge you. They're not going to talk about you. My favorite quote in the words I live by are that no one who is doing more than you will ever talk about you. It's always the people doing less because they have the time, so don't be afraid to share your truth, to put yourself out there. Know you are in great company, and if you ever share your truth on social media, tag me. Tag the unfiltered trainer. I will gladly shout it from the rooftop and be there to support you because I can promise you looking back on all of these years and everything I have been through, I am so grateful I am still here. There are moments this year that I did not express those words, and I thought otherwise, but I'm on the other side of a lot that's happened this year, and there are so many incredible things coming in 2024 that I know for a fact when you lead, and you are a genuine, kind-hearted person, and you have the best intentions, the outcomes can be questionable sometimes, I will be honest, but you have the best intentions, and you really just try to lead from the front, being a good person who is open and honest, you keep working hard, you remain resilient, and you'll get there. It's never on our timeline, I can tell you that, but the good things will continue to come if you stay the course, and you don't give up on yourself. So today, I want you to share your truth, and if you do, tag me in it, so I can be there to support you, and if you haven't yet, make sure you subscribe, because we've got episode 3 coming, but first, I'm going to go celebrate my birthday, because I survived a year that almost broke me, and if you've been there too, I know that we are so close to being on the other side of all of this, don't lose sight of what's to come. Stay tuned, and I'll talk to you soon.