238 to 242

Self-pity is a destructive defect that hinders spiritual progress and communication. We need to look at ourselves and the 12 steps to recovery for inspiration. Providing material support should only happen when the person prioritizes recovery. We must be hard on ourselves but considerate of others. We should take our time in making amends to our families. In AA, extremes of anonymity and self-promotion exist, but the middle ground is the ideal. Calamity and collapse often lead to transformative spiritual experiences. We should give the hard medical facts first and then introduce spiritual ideas. Letting go of old ideas is necessary for success. 238 Maudine Matron, self-pity is one of the most unhappy and consuming defects that we know. It is a bar to all spiritual progress and can cut off all effective communication with our fellows because of this coordinate demands for attention and sympathy. It is a modern form of matron which we can ill afford. The remedy, well, let's have a hard look at ourselves and still harder one at AA's 12 steps to recovery. When we see how many of our fellow AAs have used the steps to transcend great pain and adversity, we shall be inspired to try these life-giving principles for ourselves. Letter 1966, 229, when and how to give. Men who cry for money and shelter as a condition of their sobriety are on the wrong track. Yet we sometimes do provide a new prospect on these very things. When it becomes clear that he is willing to place his recovery first, it is not whether we shall give that is the question, but when and how we give. Whenever we put our work on a material plane, the alcoholic commences to rely upon aims rather than upon a higher power in the AA group. He continues to insist that he cannot master alcohol until his material needs are cared for. Nonsense. Some of us have taken very hard knocks to learn this truth, that job or no money, wife or no wife, we simply do not stop drinking as long as we place dependence upon other people ahead of dependence on God. Letters Anonymous, page 98, 240, hard on ourselves, considerate on others. We cannot disclose anything to our wives or our parents which will hurt them and make them unhappy. We have no right to save our own skin at their expense. Such damaging parts of our story we tell to someone else who will understand, yet be unaffected. The rule is we must be hard on ourselves, but always considerate of others. Good judgment will suggest that we ought to take our time in making amends to our families. It may be unwise at first to rehash certain harrowing episodes, while we may be quite willing to reveal the very worst. We must be sure to remember that we cannot buy our own piece of mind at the expense of others. One Alcohols Anonymous, page 74, 212 and 12, page 84, 241, middle of the road, in some sections of AA, anatomy is carried to the point of real absurdity. Members are on such a poor basis of communication that they don't even know each other's last names or which each lives, it's like the cell of an underground. In other sections we see exactly the reverse, it is difficult to restrain AAs from shouting too much before the whole public by going on spectacular lecture tours to play the big shot. However, I know that from these extremes we slowly pull ourselves onto a middle ground. These lecture giving members do not last too long, and the super anonymous people are apt to come out of hiding, respecting their AA friends, business associates, and the like. I think the long time trend is towards the middle of the road, which is probably where we should be, letter 1959, 242, let's go absolutely, after failure on my part to try up any drink, Dr. Silkworth reminded me of Professor William James' observation that truly transforming spiritual experiences are nearly always founded on calamity and collapse. Stop preaching at them, Dr. Silkworth said, and give them the hard medical facts first. This may soften them up at depth so that they can be willing to do anything to get well. Then they may accept those spiritual ideas of yours, and even a higher power. We beg of you to be fearless and thorough from the very start. Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas, and the results will nil until we let go absolutely. One AA comes of age, page 13, two Alcoholics Anonymous, page 58.