Podcast: Interview with Rachel Stone

Tracy Chalmers, the host of the Courageous Entrepreneur Show, introduces her guest Rachel Stone, who shares her experience and expertise in supporting women going through divorce. Rachel discusses the challenges and impact divorce had on her life, including financial, emotional, and identity struggles. She emphasizes the importance of seeking support and not going through it alone. Tracy mentions Rachel's book, "Love Affair 101," and highlights the need for women to have a tribe and draw strength from each other. Rachel emphasizes the three C's: comfort, connection, and control. Welcome to the Courageous Entrepreneur Show. I'm your host, Tracy Chalmers, renowned business growth coach, course creator, wife, mom, wine lover, and self-indulgent office supplies junkie. This is where I'll take you behind the scenes into all things business, strategy, lifestyle, and mindset, challenge the status quo, elevate your thinking, share social media hacks, productivity tips, what's working now tactics, and inspirational stories. All this and more to support your growth and transformation week after week, taking you from where you are today to the wealth, purpose, impact, and lifestyle you are meant for. Let's get started. Hey, hey, everybody. Welcome back. I am so excited that today I have a very special guest with me joining us on the Courageous Entrepreneur, and I'm really excited about having Rachel join us. Rachel Stone and I met, oh, gosh, probably nine months ago now in a mastermind where we were experts inside a mastermind, and we came together, and just a few of us just sort of found each other. And Rachel is a dynamo, and I really wanted to bring her on because I know from my audience, the power of what she's going to share with you today is going to be compelling. It's going to be very informative, and I know there's going to be a lot of people out there that need to hear this. So Rachel, having lived through divorce herself, and with three decades of experience behind her as a therapist in the mental health field, Rachel was inspired to support other women going through their divorce journey, and knowing that there was a major gap in the industry for divorce support and resources and just knowledge and information out there for other women who were also going through it. So Rachel's going to share with us a bit about her real-life story and her experiences, and I know she's got lots of fabulous tips and strategies that will support you through, and there's a freebie, so you want to stick around for that because you're going to want to get your hands on that. So Rachel, I welcome you to the Courageous Entrepreneur, and I'm really happy to have you here with us today. Thank you. Thank you so much for having me, Tracy. It's an honor. I know you're going to be just a tremendous resource for so many of the women that are in my private community, as well as those who are watching our podcast. So I just want to dive right in, and tell us a little bit about your divorce journey. Well, I've been divorced now for probably almost, I lost track, but I think it's probably about 12 years. My kids were 7 and 4 at the time. I had one boy who was 7, one girl who was 4, and initially on the outside, our family, our marriage, looked like it was picture perfect. We had a boy and a girl, and two dogs, and the white picket fence, and the perfect little house. We looked on the outside like we really had it all together, and I tried desperately when we got divorced to still produce that image, and it just did not happen. I have to say that looking back, I had my own sad country song going on. Everything you could possibly think of right before we got divorced, my dog of 12 years had died, I owned a business, the economy tanked, right when we were going through our divorce. It was really a sad, sad thing, and truly, every area of my life had been affected. I know that this is, I didn't realize at the time, but I know now that this is true for just about everyone that's going through a breakup, separation, or divorce. It really turns your life upside down. I have to say, my finances were affected, obviously. My family life was affected. My kids were acting out. I had to pick them up from the after-school care one time because they were fighting each other. I was like, you two are killing me. It was a total disruption, and friendships changed. My best, best friend didn't want me around her husband because I was suddenly, you know, I went from being married with children and hanging out with all other, all of my friends were married with children, and I went from married with children to just like with children. I had no sense of identity, who I was, what I wanted, and how to get there. None of that was clear to me at all. The only thing that I knew for sure was that I was scared, felt like I was spinning out of control, needed to get a hold of my finances. I felt completely insecure. I completely lost my confidence. I had no Rachel mojo. I just really did not even know how to function day to day. At the time, I owned a wellness spa. Like I said, I looked on the outside like I had it all together. I won the Outstanding Business of the Year Award for Women-Owned Business that same year, but I had literally come to the event where they awarded me. I had been in divorce court for eight hours that same day and had to race to the event. It was insane. I didn't think that I was going to win any award. I was like, there's no way, you know, I had total lack of confidence anyway. I never wrote a speech. And then they called, I sat there, I raced in the Chamber of Commerce. President was like, Oh, thank God you're here. And I was like, that's a weird, you know, like, welcome. I sat down and they called my name and I really fumbled. But I did, you know, like I just really thanked all of the people that had helped me up. I have to say that the biggest support to me was my family. So I'm really grateful for that. I know there's a lot of women that don't have that. And that saddens me. And when I got like, I had never even heard of such a thing as a Women Empowerment Life Coach for people that were going through divorce, like I would have hired them in a hot minute, if I would have had access to something like that. And, and so years and years later, once I finally put my life back together, I decided to write a book. And, and it got really great reviews. And so I know your book is on Amazon. Yeah. And the title of your book is, it's called Love Affair 101. And the five keys to taking charge your life and feeling loved again after divorce. Yeah, definitely. If you're watching this or listening to this, definitely go to Amazon and check that out. Yeah, I have I have a five star rating still. Of course you do. In 2016, I didn't even decide to jump into life coaching, you know, you know, like, until years later. And, and then I just realized that I could impact a lot more people on my terms, you know, like, and, and then the pandemic hit, and, you know, everything was online. Anyway, you know, like, I was like, Oh, my gosh, like, this is crazy. Yeah. So it's really been a journey. It's really been an amazing journey. I will say that had I known now, or had I known then what I know now, it certainly would have shortened the length of time that it took me to put my life back together. In all different areas of my life, it would have made a better parent, it would have made me a much more confident woman. I really like stumbled and failed a lot. The good news about that, though, is that I learned, you know, like, I've learned a thing. Yeah, yeah. So, you know, I have not been divorced myself. So I can't speak from experience. However, I have had a lot of clients that have, I've worked with them, helping them get their businesses back on track and get their mindset and their confidence back on track after divorces or breakups or, or significant losses in their life. So I'm coming, I'm understanding and relating from that perspective. Yeah, not having gone through a divorce myself. So I can only imagine how, how lost and overwhelmed and confused you must have felt. Yeah. And just not having the tools or the resources or even the awareness of tools or resources that I would imagine a lot of women feel in these moments because they do feel isolated and alone. And I would say that was the, that's like the biggest takeaway of like the whole overall biggest takeaway is that you don't have to do it alone. Like you're not alone and you don't have to do it alone. And I think as women, and especially if we have children, we're so used to like, we're, we're like pack mules, you know, like we just load them up, you know, loading up our plates and like, you know, we carry so much with us that we think that we need to do that alone also. And, you know, grieving, whether any loss, whether it's empty nest, death of a loved one, job loss, divorce or breakup, like any loss across like, it's already lonely. Like you already feel like you're so misunderstood. And you're just kind of stumbling through life. Like you don't know how to put those pieces back together. And a lot of it is trial and error. Like you lose yourself, your own identity, all of that anyway. And we, and as, as empowered, as previously empowered women, we think that we're meant to do that alone too. But you're not. You're not. Right. Yeah. You know, and I think that's, you know, over, over the years, I think that's one shift that has happened amongst women and the community, community of women is that, you know, it used to be a village, a village would support a woman and help her raise children and, and care for elderly. And we've lost that over the decades, because, you know, like family units have no longer, for the most part, westernized anyway, family units no longer live with the generations. Very few do. And women have really become that superwoman mentality where they have to do everything on their own and do the best at everything. And it's, it's such a, it's very unfortunate, because we do need a tribe around us and, and draw on the strengths of each other. I, one of the things that I do, like in my program is I really emphasize getting the, I call it the three, I lovingly call it the three C's. And it stands for comfort, connection and control. And exactly what you're talking about with the connection. We are literally genetically predisposed to, we're supposed to be with other people. And women, women specifically, we actually have a chemical reaction, we produce a stress reducing hormone called oxytocin, when we're together with other women. And so to think that we're meant to do it alone, is counterintuitive. When you're trying to heal, like when you're trying to heal, you really need to surround yourself with supportive women who are not just cheering you on. But this other phenomenon happens when women are get together, because we we do this like natural resource and networking thing with each other. We're like, Oh, you don't, you know what you should do? You don't know so and so? Let me hook you up with so and so. And then before you know it, you're like building this network of people that you had never met before, that are helping you. I love it. Now with online stuff, you know, like, so it's so true. It's amazing how much we need each other. And yet we work against that for our own work against each other to sadly, that is part of that mentality that we've been socialized with lately, is well, and I say lately, but I mean, lately, a long time that, you know, that we're adversarial, and that, you know, we see each other's competition, as opposed to collaboration and support and community. And I think that, you know, if that mentality could change as well, I think women would have a, an easier time accepting help from one another. I agree. I agree. I have this like whole mentality that you, you get what you project. So if you're, if you're helping other people, you too shall be helped. When you feel really overwhelmed, go and help another person. Yeah, back to you like tenfold. And it gets you out of your own overwhelm, right? You know, if people through, if there was a group of people that threw all of their problems into a, into a basket, and then you can, and they said, you can pick whatever problem you want. Now, like of all of the problems that we that we have, you can pick which one you want. Everybody would be scrambling for the ones that they had originally. There are way worse problems out there than your own. And so it's true. Being together and helping one another is vital to your own healing. And so often, we don't recognize that, you know. You're, you're absolutely right. And I want to go back to something you said earlier, when we first started talking a couple of things, actually. You know, you mentioned how even your best friend abandoned you, in a sense, because she didn't want you around her husband. Yeah, it was really, it breaks my heart to me. Oh, you know, and, and we, you know, way later down the road, like I saw some mutual friends in Target, and they were like, you know, she really misses you, and she feels terrible. And this was literally, I'd say at least a year, probably two later, you know, that, and I called her. I just felt compelled to like, let her off the hook, because my life had changed so much by then. Like, I was like, I'm good. That's part of your healing. That's part of your healing, and your growth, that you were able to do that. And she cried, you know, like, she felt really terrible and said, like, I feel so bad, because I made like, my insecurity, your problem, and like, dumped this, like, yet another loss, you know, like, Right, right. And it really, it was very painful. But, but in the end, I mean, we never, we tried to like, meet up. It just was like, it did not work out. Because there had already been so much water under the bridge. But I felt really good about exercising forgiveness, because if you don't forgive, you can't move on, you know, and I really needed to. So, and I made tons and tons of other, I met so many other amazing human beings. You know, like, and I, I wonder, you know, like you said, everything happens for a reason. I actually wonder, like, had, had she not broken up with me? I met, I might have stayed in my little bubble much longer, and not made other new friends and ventured outside of my own comfort zone so that I could grow. I mean, I can look back at that now and say that in the When you're in it, it's very different. Well, yeah, you know, when you're in it, you're hurting. And like you said, it's a further loss, and probably one that you didn't fully understand, because you thought that she was on your team, in a sense. It's not initially. Yeah. Yeah. She was very supportive initially. But then in the end, she just was like, Yeah, she felt threatened. Yeah. She felt like I was way too vulnerable. And, and I was really tight with their family. And, you know, like, she just was like, I can't, I can't do it. I can't review. Yeah. What? Yeah. But I'm really glad that she recognized later that it was her insecurities that she, she had thrust upon you. And that they were hers to own and not yours. Yeah. I'm happy to hear that. Yeah. Yeah. So I'm going to throw just like off the cuff here question at you. And I want you to answer with your gut. Okay. What are the top three resources you felt in that moment, right in the moment of all of that going on? What were the top three resources you felt that you did have access to? Like I said before, I was very, very lucky that I had support from my family. Yeah. I had really, I had, my sisters totally sucked it. They like flanked me at all times. I know. They were like, we're with you. You know, like, my youngest sister, like, would always take, like, wanted to always like work, like, let's, let's go work out. Let's go do Zumba, you know, whatever. And, and she was rather excited. She didn't like my ex-husband. That's another show. That's another show. And this is good for people to know that the stuff will creep up, you know, like, but we were in a Zumba class and in between songs and she like danced over to me and she was all excited and said, you know what we should do? I was like, what? I was thinking like another Zumba class or I didn't, you know, like I was not there with her. And she's like, we should totally have a divorce party. And I was so not emotionally prepared. Right. I just burst into tears right there in the middle of a crowded Zumba class and everyone was like, oh, you know, I'm so sorry. And so I think that, you know, timing is really important. And and I have that in the in the free PDF. I have like how to avoid landmines. I call that one of my own personal landmines. You know, like you need to be really prepared for like people to say things that you're not ready for. I love that. With like a statement, like a blanket statement that you can always like spit out, you know, like a lot of one of the big questions people will ask when they learn of your divorce, you know, like mutual friends or acquaintances. Like, what happened? You know, like, oh, my God, you guys are perfect together. What happened? Like and you're in the middle of the grocery store starting to tear up and feel so awkwardly uncomfortable. You're not really prepared to have this like full blown discussion. And your kids are like on either side of you. You're like, what the heck? You know, like I think people are typically more than not very well intentioned. They're just curious creatures. Yeah. Yeah. So being prepared with like a statement. So whenever you're triggered, you'd best be like your go to, you know, like, oh, well, let's talk about that another time or whatever it is that you're comfortable saying so that you can write it off. But going back to the three things. So my connection with my family was really important. I called my mom at four o'clock in the morning crying. I mean, like it was I just I was really a hot mess. And I don't know how I would have gotten through without my mom and my sisters. You know, we're very supportive. I think safety is another really key component for women. And when I say safety for women, that means security. And so getting your finances in check is vital so that you are not consumed with worry that you're going to lose your house. You're going to lose your kids. You're going to lose your car. You know, like I mean, that happened for me. I was I was financially broken and scrambling and didn't know what the heck to do. And I wound up going and talking with my bank manager and and talk about the universe. But the universe, God, whatever it is that you believe in, is always working in your favor. You just have to take the next next best step to get there. And I knew that I needed help. I went to the bank. It just so happens the bank manager had also been divorced and it was a messy divorce. But it had been years prior. And I went I literally had like crumpled up bills in my hands. I didn't know which to pay first so that I didn't lose my house. You know, I was really dire straits. And she like took the papers out of my hands, closed the door, took the papers out of my hands and then reached over and grabbed my hand and said, OK, stop, stop. You know, and she was so gentle and forthright and beautiful to me. And I cried and she's like, let it out, honey. She is this beautiful African-American woman who just totally came at me with her heart, not about finances at all. But because she did that, I trusted her. And then we went back and she told me that she had been divorced, too. And it was a terrible divorce and that we were going to get through this together. This is what I'm talking about, that we need people. We need people. Women need women. We do. And then and then she like set me on the right path on how to get my bills in check, how to pay which things first. And before I knew it, everything was fine with my finances. I went back. This was around Christmas time. And I went back after the new year and she'd been transferred out of state. Oh, no. I never got to see her ever again. She was put in your path. And that woman is a gift. For sure. For sure. We just have to take the right steps to get to where we're supposed to be so that we can have the help that we need. So, you know, for everyone listening or watching this, I know that, you know, there's going to be many of you that will want to be able to reach out to Rachel. And she mentioned already that she's got a free download for you today. I'm going to pop that download link so that you can access it immediately. It's going to be in the show notes, so I'll be sure to put that in there. But it's the Divorced Moms Survival Guide Download. I love the name. So you can grab that freebie and access it. Utilize what Rachel's teaching you. And, of course, you know, if you want to pick up her book as well and reach out to Rachel, you certainly can do that. I encourage you because she's a wealth of knowledge. And, you know, Rachel, could you share with us what would be one or two things that you wish you would have known prior to your divorce, leading up to it? You know, you said it was a long time coming. What didn't you know looking back that would have been pivotal or impactful or just maybe a game changer for you that you wish you would have known then but you know now that could help my audience? You know, maybe those that are going through something similar. Well, the first and foremost is what I had mentioned earlier is just is knowing that you don't have to do it alone. And to really recognize that just all you have to do is take one step in the right direction and then you'll be guided to another and another and another. So, you know, you don't have to do it alone and surround yourself with people that are supportive. Oh, I'm sorry. It always happens. I banished Mike outside of the office right now. He growls at the window when people go by. Oh, my gosh. I know. Don't worry about it. This is a pet friendly show. Oh, good. Excellent. I'm glad to hear that. I think one of the I think one of the other most important things that I didn't realize at the time was so important but has now since like always is my go to whenever I'm faced with any kind of adversity or loss or, you know, like, 12 years. I'm like, I've had other things happen besides my divorce in my life. But I would say that there's three key like the three C's are, you know, comfort, community and control. You have to have those. They're fundamental. Yeah, I agree. And comfort meaning like you have to have a safe space, whether it be in your home, you know, outside your home, like wherever you can go to recharge. Like if you think of yourself as kind of like a, you know, like a cell phone and where you go to recharge is your charging dock. Like we all need like we have to take a time out so that you can recharge. And when you're when you're filled with anxiety and sadness and and grief and fear, you know, like all of that, all the more reason that you have to have those safe spaces to to recharge. Right. So assess your comfort and then doing something good, kind, nice, something you enjoy for yourself on the daily, no matter what. It actually increases your self-esteem and your confidence and helps you get back in touch with who you really are. Yeah. What you need in order to survive and thrive. Self-care is hugely forgotten and overlooked. It's huge. It's so overlooked. It's so, like I said, it's so fundamental. It's foundational. Like if you don't have that, you have nothing. It's kind of like your house. It's part of your house. It is. It's absolutely part of your health. Even just building a business and, you know, parenting and, you know, whether it's a loss or empty nesting or divorce or whatever, you know, it's those moments of where you take care of yourself. It's like putting on the mask on an airplane on yourself first. Absolutely. Before you put the mask on others. Because if you don't take care of yourself during any of these situations that I just listed off, how are you able to best care for other people through it? You can't. Yeah. You can't. Your tank is empty. Yeah. And then connection is the second one, and that's what we talked about before. And then control is a little bit trickier. Control is where you have to kind of, that's where your boundaries come into play. And when you're really getting to know, like, who you are and what you want in life, and you're trying to rebuild after a loss or a breakup, and knowing what you can control and what you can't. And ultimately, the only thing we have control of is ourselves. And so oftentimes when people get really stuck, whether it be, you know, like they're so focused on having been so wronged by their ex, you know, like they can't get past it. And, you know, they talk and talk and talk and talk and replay it over. I did that. I'm familiar. I'm very familiar. You replay it over and over and over and over. You're processing, but you have to also ask yourself the right questions. If you want better answers, if you want better solutions, stop staying in the why, because ultimately that doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. And you don't have control over the why. You're right. What you do have control over are the how and the what. So, yeah, yourself, you know, like, how is this, you know, like, how is this getting me what I want in life? Or how is this getting me closer to my goal? What are my next best steps? What am I, you can ask yourself, what am I most stressed out about? If I could take one thing off of my plate that is stressing me out the most, what would it be? For me in the beginning, it literally was my finances. It wasn't my kids. It wasn't my ex. I was like, what am I going to do? Like I was terrified. I was literally terrified. And the woman at the bank gave me the greatest gift that I will never, ever forget her. She was like one of the little angels on earth that God dropped down for me. And I was like, gosh, thank you so much. So, knowing what you can control and what you can't and recognizing the difference. And like to take that a step further, focusing on the things that you can control. Because what you focus on is what will grow. Right. I couldn't make my ex-husband pay child support or the amount that I wanted until that was all settled and done with. I had no control over that. But I had control over my finances and what I was going to do. And I needed to go talk to somebody so I could figure that crap out. And that's what I had control over. Once I focused on that instead of what I didn't have control over, my life got so much better. And that can happen for anyone. Yeah. You took action, right? You took action in the area that, you know, you chose one thing. One thing that you could take action on that would make a step forward. And then the momentum starts. And, you know, I want to touch on something you said about, you know, the why versus the how and who and where and, you know, and when. You know, why is an emotional state? So, every time you're going to, why is this happening? Why did he do that? Why did she do this? Why, why, why, why, why, why am I acting this way? Those are all, you're just caught up in the emotion of it. And it just spins you out of control. When you can shift into more of a logical, non-emotional state of, okay, how, where, who, and when can I start moving these things forward? That gets you into a resourceful state. And a curiosity state. It shifts you out of the emotional why. And you can actually start reasoning and thinking logically once you've shifted out of the emotion into the curious and the resourceful. So, that is a really powerful tool for anybody, regardless of what situation you find yourselves in. If you can get yourself out of the why and shift into start asking really good questions and what might be your next best step, that will get you moving forward. Right. And really to simplify that, why questions are only going to get you so far. You know, you don't necessarily feel better knowing the answers to why. And it boxes you in and keeps you in victim mode if you're only asking why. You know, like if you think about it this way. Let's say that you go to a psychiatrist and you say, like, you know, I'm really depressed. Why am I so depressed? Well, he's going to be able to give you the scientific reasoning behind that. You know, like, oh, it's the serotonin levels in your brain. And, you know, the chemical. You have a chemical imbalance. And blah, blah, blah. You know, like the better question really that you want an answer to is how do I feel better? How do I feel better? What do I need to do to feel better? And it opens up the doors and empowers you so much more. Yeah. The what and how questions. Yeah. Absolutely. Yeah. Why are you disempowered? How and what are action words that help you feel more empowered? And that's a big piece of what I work with. With my clients is to help them make those business steps, the strategy behind their business steps, comes into a lot of those kinds of words and questions and how to truly evaluate the situation you're in to move yourself forward. Yeah. So that was super powerful. I'm really glad we talked about that. Me too. Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. Absolutely. So any last closing remarks as we wrap up here, Rachel? Anything that you want to say to somebody who is maybe stuck or feeling that they're stuck in a marriage and they know that divorce is the way out but they don't know how to quite do it? Any advice there to leave them with? I guess my first instinct is to say get your finances in check only because that was my primary fear. Well, yeah. You do really need to – in order to set yourself up for a little bit more of a successful divorce, you don't want to add struggling financially to the list of things that you're going to have to overcome. Right. I would say that some key components to healing are the three Cs that I talked about, the comfort, connection, and control. But even to take that even further, I think that I had like my best personal growth and healing when I started to really hone in on knowing who I am, what I want in life, and what I don't want. Really, when you're practicing a level of self-acceptance that can go kind of unmatched and self-love, there's nothing that can ever knock you down like you were before because you know who you are, what you want, and what you don't want. And when those are solidified, that's your guide. That's where you go. You're always walking in the right direction. That was so powerful. Thank you. Words of wisdom right there. Yeah. So, if anything that Rachel and I have talked about today just struck you and you know that you need some help here or you want to seek a bit more help or some guidance or information, definitely hop over to the show notes and grab the download link to the Divorced Moms Survival Guide download as well as hop on over to Amazon and check out her... Sorry, what was I told again? Oh, it's okay. It's Love Affair 101. Love Affair 101. Sorry about that, Rachel. That's okay. Love Affair 101. On Amazon, Rachel Stone, and have a look for those. And Rachel, I want to thank you so much for coming on and sharing your brilliance, your experiences, and your lessons learned and sharing how you've gone out into the world now and empowered women and helping them through divorce and what they need to do to take care of themselves. And, you know, we touched on a few things today that I think we might need to revisit in another podcast, another show here on The Courageous Entrepreneur. Because, boy, I think there's maybe some empty nester moms and stuff that could use some of this conversation because we both have gone through that. So, we might have to revisit this conversation in a different way next time. I'd be happy. No problem. Thank you so much for having me, Tracy. It was great. You're very welcome and thank you. All right. Talk later. Bye-bye. Bye, everyone. Thank you for joining me inside this episode of The Courageous Entrepreneur Show. If you enjoyed the show, make sure you subscribe so you automatically get new shows every week. And I'd love it if you left us a five-star review. We're on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Stitcher, and other platforms. And I would love to hear from you. Come join the conversation online. You'll mostly find me on Facebook and Instagram. So, just head over to TracyChulman.com and you'll find all my socials there. And you can also learn about upcoming opportunities to meet me or work more closely with me. The Courageous Entrepreneur is the influential, elevated conversation for business leaders. And I'm honored when you tuned in. See you next time.