episode 16 season 2-loneliness

The podcast hosts, Nate and Shelby, discuss the topic of loneliness. They talk about their own experiences and how loneliness can be painful and difficult to overcome. They mention different types of loneliness, such as emotional, social, situational, and chronic, and discuss the importance of seeking help and support. They also emphasize the need for genuine human connections and the dangers of isolation. 嗯嗯嗯嗯嗯嗯嗯嗯嗯嗯嗯嗯嗯嗯嗯嗯嗯嗯嗯嗯嗯嗯嗯嗯嗯嗯嗯嗯嗯嗯嗯嗯嗯嗯嗯嗯嗯嗯嗯嗯嗯嗯嗯嗯嗯嗯嗯嗯嗯嗯嗯嗯嗯嗯嗯嗯嗯嗯嗯嗯嗯嗯嗯嗯嗯嗯嗯嗯嗯嗯嗯嗯嗯嗯嗯嗯嗯 good morning what it do Shelby is in the building good morning people welcome to word-of-mouth podcast with Nate and Shelby we are back ready excited always and we're gonna have a good time today listen how's your week been wonderful good job good job yes it's a beautiful day outside it is actually a beautiful day it is a little warm yeah us us midwest people us northerners we um us californians don't care not at all because it gets way warm out there yeah um so it's a little warm today not something that i'm extremely used to but it's okay i'll take it i'll take it funny yeah very very sunny beautiful beautiful outside god made a beautiful day man green grass the trees are just gorgeous birds are singing it's such a beautiful day and so we're happy we're excited every day is a beautiful day and uh we're going to jump right into this thing today as a topic we want to touch on the word loneliness we're going to tackle that in its entirety so it may be one or two episodes that we do discuss it because we really want to make sure that we really dig into all aspects of that word personal emotional spiritual mental psychological all of the above loneliness is a loaded loaded word heavy word very and even if you take away the suffix ness lonely that's that's really what we want to discuss and talk about today so with that said let's jump into it shelby nay hit me with a question what you gonna hit me with you know i was but not a question i actually want you to read something for me and then i'm actually about 16 million questions do me a favor if you would uh start off with reading by uh reading psalms uh chapter 25 you start at verse 16 and stop whenever you want to stop turn to me and be gracious to me for i am lonely and afflicted relieve the troubles of my heart and free me from my anguish look on my affliction and my distress and take away all my sins see how numerous are my enemies and how fiercely they hate me wow wow now if you've ever saw this song before it is actually a song that david wrote and he was writing it to god because he was in a series of emotions and he was struggling with everything whether it was his family relationship just everything that was going on and even being in the leadership role that he was in he had so many enemies and so he was just battling with a lot of different emotions kind of sound familiar to what we deal with every day especially with a lot of mental illnesses that go on in this day and age so i want to tackle that word lonely or loneliness is there a definition for the word loneliness loneliness it says sadness because one has no friends or company the fact of being without companions and solitariness the quality of being unfrequented and remote isolation i guess i have to go into questions i'm gonna lob this thing over to shelby god good lord here we go that was whoa um lonely you ever been lonely news coming i did um absolutely absolutely sure share uh well i think we all go through phases of it like we were talking off mic um but definitely yeah when i pulled the plug on my marriage and then my dad passed away several weeks afterwards and i have no one out here except for my kids um when we moved everybody all my family's back in california so i couldn't really i couldn't go back there um for my dad's passing um and it was a really lonely time for me wow wow how did how did you react to that time like what was your i cried a lot i bet i bet in in my closet the isolation uh took place immediately i'm guessing well yeah i mean i the kids were there but i didn't want them to see you know that so when you're lonely you don't want people around you to see that you're lonely well i think there was just a lot of devastation going on it wasn't necessarily just pure loneliness i mean it was at the core of it it was like here i am dealing with all this and i'm alone like there's you know there's certain instances you can't pour your heart out to your kids or whatever and they were the only ones with me so it was just you bite the bullet you suck it up and you power through bite the bullet suck it up yep and power through it cry through it yeah um so added questions to it when did you begin to know that you were in that isolated place due to loneliness well i think as soon as i mean the ex was out of the house i was there which you know after that long of a relationship it's that alone will cue the loneliness yeah um but then to have lost my dad and to realize that there's no one like wow there's no one that's going to be there to hug me there's no one there that's going to be there to console me there's no one i'm i'm i'm it oh okay uh this morning i had a conversation i was with um quite a few people this morning at meetings and a therapist brought up something that you just mentioned that i do want to ask you especially with dealing with that all at the same time um have you truly got help for that time that you went through like practical help i know that god is going to always be our help um in every aspect have you seek any practical help whether counselor or psychiatrist or anything to that sort due to the fact of that kind of loneliness well yeah i mean i definitely after the divorce and everything i okay yeah i was with a counselor for a little bit was it successful did it help with loneliness and i'm asking these questions because i think sometimes people when we come out of that state of loneliness and we're with somebody we think that it goes away but if we never deal with the true trauma of it then don't it kind of sit there and wait for an opportune time to be triggered yes oh my god perfect yes yes yeah i think yeah anything you don't deal with is going to have that ability or capability um i mean i was seeking counseling for a whole lot of things it wasn't just about the loneliness but it definitely i think helped in all areas um just because there was a lot to process there was a lot of you know years of life and all that stuff um and different you know situations that needed to get worked through but um i definitely think it helped i am always going to tell people that they should seek counseling just because just to get things off your chest is a huge help yes i agree with that and you know it may only take a visit or two or or whatever it doesn't have to be a lifelong thing i know some people do have it as a lifelong thing and that's more power to them but um i definitely think just to be able to talk to someone who's an unbiased listener is a good a good thing oh my even when talking about uh i want to say last week a week before last talking about triggers if it's never dealt with then it would trigger trauma um and i think that it's very important for humans to have that unbiased in your voice unbiased person that would just sit and listen to you i was a person that bottled it up and i put it off to the side or compartmentalized it and it would kind of start seeping over into other things and i was in a whirlwind of chaos mentally and psychologically because i never dealt with it right so i'm i'm really glad that i'm talking to you about it because as you said counseling which counseling was for a lot of other things but it did help you get through that place yeah wow i really think that's important to speak about um and we read from psalms 25 i don't know if david had uh a counsel yeah god god's the best one and god is always the best he's always there 100 but you know driving here because i knew what we're going to talk about i think that even when you are a faith-filled believer and you do lean on god for a lot of things you still need a tangible human connection sometimes to pull you out of things or get you through things i agree i mean god can heal anything and everything absolutely but i think he understands that we we still need that interaction that tangible thing yeah i agree with that right i don't know why we isolate from people i'm talking i was gonna say we're both gonna have to raise our hands because uh we're um but that'd be the time where god said i'm sending you to help you the bible says look to the hills for which come with your help i'm sending you to help it's sitting right there in front of you whether it's you know a co-worker a family stranger on the street right i'm giving you the help why are you shunning away the help yeah anybody that can speak life into you amen yeah amen but i think we especially when it's spiritual i think we think that it got to come from uh him and him alone right and you know i think um i don't know if it's because of the technology thing but loneliness seems to be pervasive nowadays and maybe it's just because of the stage in life i mean maybe because i know when you're younger and you're building a family and you're doing all that and you're working your butt off and you're career driven and all that you're so busy that maybe the loneliness doesn't kick in i don't know so maybe it's a later in life thing but i also know there's a lot of young people out there that are very lonely yes and well they've labeled it now as mental illness i want to say i guess i'll go on record to say this but i'll put it in a question form um with all of us experiencing what happened in the year 2020 did that not produce loneliness there's no doubt in my mind i mean if i think loneliness was always there but yes it absolutely raised the the roof on it so from a young person to the old i feel like we all deal with a level of loneliness and have we become so comfortable to it to where now we just accept it and keep rolling with it are we trying to get help see i don't think i think loneliness is very painful it really i don't think i mean yeah you and i talked about the comfort of isolation earlier which i think is is a real thing because we do get so comfortable with things the way we want them and we don't have to worry about someone else invading our space the way we want the space but yeah to step out of that becomes uncomfortable to invite someone into your space knowing that they could full well screw that space up from the way you like it and you've gotten so used to it um becomes difficult you know you don't want to dip your toe in that in that pool but at the same time if you don't dip your toe in that pool you've completely isolated yourself and then the loneliness is going to continue yes yes but loneliness is really painful i mean you know the whole thing that sparked this for me was seeing that tiktok and there was an older gentleman and um someone was interviewing him and they said how do you deal with stress and i if i guessed i would say he was in his 70s and he said the stress doesn't bother me but the loneliness is the killer wow and i think that's so true because innately we crave connection with each other and i also think that loneliness can be created even though there's relationships like i've i've heard people say i'm surrounded by people but i'm completely alone because we're missing the connection there's people surrounding us we have people in our lives possibly but we don't have an intimate connection with any of them wow which i think is where the real deal is that's where the loneliness kick in that's why we can make a statement like and i have a bunch of people around me i feel so alone right yeah wow wow and you know the phones don't help any because our faces are buried in our phones and i'm i'm talking about myself i'm not pointing at anybody else i think we all struggle with that and and so that just furthers the divide and the lack of intimate connection i'm glad and greg's segue for me to mention this there are um there are four types four different ways that loneliness kick in uh one of the ways and we can talk about all four i think you've already touched it is emotional loneliness those are where you when you're emotional emotionally lonely you find it difficult to improve uh things without dealing with the root of the thing it's very difficult so what made you isolate in the first place exactly yeah that's why you go back and dig it up and that thing the second thing in which we just said is um social loneliness um when we don't feel like we have someone there we will bury in the phone so that's where our safe space in tennessee are that's where our safe place is that's where we receive comfort and now we're depending on the likes we're depending on the views we're depending on those things to have validation of complete strangers wow another one is situational loneliness and that starts from uh the difficulty and i think you read it in the definition of difficulty to even starting a friendship stepping out of the isolation yes can i put the word awkwardness somewhere for sure because we when you're isolated for so long yeah you're awkward because you don't know okay let me yeah you lost your touch it's like the dating sites like you're filling a person out you know you don't you don't really and especially if you're talking to them or you're newly dating someone you're going to be awkward regardless because you don't know who they are you don't know how they respond to certain things so everything in the beginning is going to be a little awkward you think yeah unless you take time to communicate and get to know i guess i'm just an odd bird it's like oh it is what it is you just take it or leave it but i mean everybody's not a shelby but you come off you're you're blunt you're you're straight up look i like it oh i don't that's it you know some of us all the other people fill it out yeah we're like okay well maybe oh that's what you know i can do that too i mean i can completely overthink i wish i could see my face right now i know he's just like no you can't don't be talking like that no you're straight forward and it's great that you like that because a lot of people we need well we need people in our lives to be straightforward like that i don't care if i've just met you don't don't sugarcoat it with me i don't like people who rub my head and sugarcoat it i need i need to hear the truth like be blunt with me well i try not to be like blunt blunt but i'm just who i am and if you don't like me that's fine i'm i'm fine with that so i'm i'm gonna be 100 real from the get-go pretty much because uh yeah that's not a lot of people like you and even when you're meeting someone or trying to date or anything to that sort just be real be honest be authentic and we've talked about the counterfeit and the pretend and yeah and eventually you got to get rid of those things if you wind up pursuing a relationship with someone right well i'll wait 10-15 years later for you to become well that's way too damn long that's just called being fake i love it that's the words of shelby y'all and so this last one in which i wrote of a level or a way the fourth way of loneliness is chronic loneliness and that's described uh to have been lonely for too long you've sat in that place for too long and you don't even know how to come out that out of that place because now it's it's your life it's your lifestyle yeah you have it's changed you yes oh that's good you didn't change when you're supposed to change it changed you now you have conformed to that and you're so used to it yeah and you know off mike you and i were talking about how not all loneliness is bad right there's seasons of loneliness where you're growing there's seasons of loneliness when you're being pruned you know god's moving on you changing you shaping you all that healing you so loneliness isn't always a bad thing and being in a state of loneliness sometimes can help you focus on him focus on you try to you know work through stuff but when it becomes chronic when it becomes you go beyond yeah you know that space that's when i think it's a negative most definitely how do you i don't even know if i have that answer i don't know if you have that answer of course god is the only way when it gets chronic i think god is the only way because you've sat in that place so long that now we have to recreate yeah a whole nother being of a person for you to see that you don't have to be that anymore and god doesn't want us in that place he doesn't want us in a chronic state of loneliness but the enemy on the other hand he loves it oh yeah you're much easier to manipulate if you are alone and lonely yep absolutely yeah and that's why we really have to take the time to understand that and there are levels of loneliness i think you were talking about it from a biblical standpoint there were times and me and shelby was just talking about it jesus had to pull away major people in the bible from abraham moses david paul elijah like a lot of these great people had to pull away for a minute to regroup to refocus to get revived restored renewed refreshed all of those things um however they didn't stay there right yeah and based on what shelby just said if you stay too long that's when the negative kick in that's when the problems can begin to happen i think um there's another scripture that's given about a man in the uh in the book of luke there had been a man that had been sitting by the poolside for 38 years waiting for the water i'm saying how long you gonna sit there and when jesus came by yeah he said dude thank you okay and move on right and i think um um if you know that it's been too long in that place then it's time to do something about it whether it's seek counsel talk to some talk to someone listen to this something where it gets you started to do something different because as shelby just said the enemy will literally keep you there for the rest of your life oh yeah especially if he know how powerful you are right he will keep reminding you to stay right there that's right if he can keep you squashed you're gonna be squashed can i say i'm a witness and i say that with all transparency i've been there yeah because he knew the power in which i possess but if i can isolate him if i can keep him in that place of loneliness man he'll never be a threat to my kingdom let's stop nope but to take the right people in the right season at the right time doing the right thing for my eyes to say wow thank you lord and that's another reason why we need to be the body yes we need the body we need each other yeah because we have to speak life into each other we have to edify each other all that stuff all the time everybody's walking through crap say that some people walking through it and it's just a tiptoe some people walking through it it's ankle deep some people are knee deep some people are down yep they're uh-huh they can barely breathe send me a straw because i got to make it through this i need something to breathe with but uh yeah so we're all traipsing through something absolutely and what what better way for god to literally say to us that i've sent that help for you there's a person that will get you they won't judge you they won't look at you different they won't they won't ridicule you talk about you they're just there to help no granted not everybody's like that but um in discernment i think that you'll know who those people are when they do come again i can say i'm a witness you all i'm a witness to it uh i'll one day tell my story just about being alone and isolated and i sat there for years years and it's not pretty it's not a place that you want to dwell in for the rest of your life no and i think there's you know like i said before i think loneliness can be very painful there's a lot of pain that comes along with it when you get to a certain point yes ma'am and sometimes you like to wallow in that pain sometimes you you know the pity parties are a lot of fun so let me ask a question right there um i have come across people that appreciate the loneliness and the pity because they love the attention oh yeah what's your word on that the people that love for you to rub their head they love for you to say oh baby it's gonna be okay well i think that there's a void within them that they're really trying to to fill um and everybody's different we all have different perspectives we all have different walks in history and all that stuff um the only one that can really fill that void is christ amen and trying to get it from external circumstances or external situations isn't going to fill that void it will be a temporary fix but you're never going to get out of that situation and i think that you know the pity party thing it has its place maybe but the continual pity party is probably going to do more damage than benefit you in the long run i had a guy tell me here recently and it's uh he's a part of where we both work and serve at um he said how can you determine my pity like you don't know what i've been through and when he shared that with me it allowed me to think i'm not comparing you to me because i don't know what you've been through right but i can say that you don't have to stay there right so i think sometimes people will try to debate that and and saying hey i've been through worse than you like you you were talking earlier um you were coming out of a marriage um a loss of a parent you know all these different things were happening at the same time someone else may say well hey i lost a limb off my body and right i lost a child or i like they can try to compare it and say mine is worse right yeah but don't you think that that's a spirit of defeat yeah absolutely thank you for saying it go ahead i think it's a spirit of defeat and so instead of i think that's the enemy that's the enemy working within them wanting them to be focused on the pain the negativity the defeat instead of realizing they're conquerors wow and they're victorious good word and they don't have to own that i mean yes it made them who they are there's no doubt and it's important and it's it's um very painful and all that i'm not discounting any of that right but i'm just saying that that to me is a spirit of defeat and if you stay there you will stay defeated then yeah yeah you're trying to compare your pity to someone else's pity okay bible that says um the battle is not ours anyway he's already won it right so neither one of us have to sit in this place of pity neither one of us have to sit in this place of defeat because he's already won the battle so why are we comparing our pain our pain our situations to each other knowing that we both are more than conquerors well but if you're in a if you're in a victim mentality which a lot of people are and i'm not speaking against it i'm just saying that's a place where a lot of people can get to because they've experienced so much pain because they've been defeated all of that you tend because you want to i think be validated so badly that you really are okay that this stuff didn't happen to you because you're a bad person so you seek that by dwelling in that negative place so that you do get the attention and you do get the validation because you're not getting it from anywhere else wow and you really want to feel like you're okay i didn't bring this on myself it's not my fault that all of this crap happened to me which is true but to a certain degree because we do make our own decisions and sometimes they bite us in the ass um but yeah i think a lot of it comes it's from that place of wanting validation so badly to make me climb out of this hole to get me to climb out of this hole because i feel like there's something wrong with me that all of this happened to me wow it's amazing um i was talking to my daughter about that after she graduated we had a heart to heart and i was telling her how proud i am of her and um she started high school experiencing her parents going through a divorce a major one and um because we had already kind of been away from each other for a while but she saw that and she said finally to me now as her being an adult she said daddy that affected me and i could have you know did what everybody else was doing especially when 2020 kicked in i could have literally just said hey forget it all i quit i don't want to do anything else yeah but she said i'm glad that i was able to not only have you know the teaching of what your mama taught or having friends around me to say hey faith don't give up hey keep going keep pushing you're gonna get there just don't quit right now and it to your point it means a lot when you do have people to say the real to you yeah to be honest with you and speak life into it and that's why i think you know like we were talking about those people who are in that place of constantly needing the pity party liking to be there that it it's because they are truly trying to get that validation and have someone speak some kind of life into them because they don't have it anywhere else so they're grasping at anybody that will give it to them um wow i know a lot of where again where we both serve at i see that a lot i do i see that a lot yes because those people have been through a lot yes and they're pulling on any any string that will feed into their spirit yeah and sometimes in my position i try not to be critical but there are times in my shelby voice that you have to be can i use the word bold or truthful truthful um the bible says god chastised who he loves yeah and i can't say that you know it's it's gonna help you to go and get high i'm not gonna do that right um because i have to give an account to that so i have to be truthful there are times when i may rub your head and say oh everything's i think that's okay too yeah it's okay to do that there yeah definite there's a definite need for that yes but there's also a definite need for a swift kick in the ass put your big boy draws on get out keep him away right but i also think that a lot of people when they've been through so much they don't believe that god is a good god they think they're being punished a lot of people have that spin on god that he is not a good god and he's punishing me what did i do how do i fix this it has nothing to do with what they do it has nothing to do with how they fix this because he's the fixer but if they don't if they think they're beneath him and beneath his love and not worthy they're never going to accept that he's a good god my god so many times i've heard that story where god is getting me back yes it's some stuff i did you know in my past and he's just repaying me for this right why have we made god a monster like he's big bad wolf back in the day that's how he i think we were raised that way whoa well then we need to pluck that thing up but our father cannot he will not be that way i'm just gonna get you back for what you did if the bible in which the bible is true the bible gives an account this is in proverbs god is not like man no once he forgive you it's thrown into the sea of forgiveness to never remember it again we are more critical absolutely each other than god is like god is not saying you remember what you did in in 1987 right and i told you not to do i'm gonna get you back for that that's not the god we serve right especially being bought back with a price in full in full so and being given the holy spirit as your helper because the law passed when jesus come on resurrected come on which means we're free completely free no chains no nothing but the whole thing about being free in christ is that you have the holy spirit and he keeps you convicted from doing the bad stuff that was in the law in the first place that's why we don't like so many people are about the law and you got to follow the rules and you know the religious spirit we do but we follow it because the holy spirit convicts us nowadays it's not because the law is the law jesus is the law and he resurrected and that law went away so that's why it's about the love of christ because the holy spirit is what works in you to keep you on the path that you're supposed to stay on do we stray absolutely doesn't all of us do of course and sometimes hugely and sometimes not it ebbs and flows but we're all guilty of straying yes but that doesn't matter in the big scheme of things it doesn't matter because like you said we've been bought and paid for in full it's over and done with yes we should just be leaping and jumping and rejoicing all the flipping time we should yes that's how we should live life nothing should faze us at all but because we live in this world and we're in this flesh suit and the enemy gets to control these things on this world on this earth that's that's why we get caught up in all this jazz we have to remember what you just said we have to remember that we were bought back we were redeemed yes when he deemed or redeemed us back that price that was paid now everything falls up under that yeah i can't be accused of that thing when i am redeemed because the blood i still can be cleansed and washed spotless oh my god and this is not a pass no that's why we have the holy spirit yes to be convicted right and man when he convicts you you feel like you i mean there's times you're just like you feel like the lowest thing on the yeah yeah yeah i just thought about your uh uh you did a tiktok i'm guessing here recently you said you were in your kitchen uh-huh what did you say you remember i hope you know something about i know i said let me tell you something let me tell you something i'm in my kitchen yeah let me tell you something oh it's about your everyone has a purpose don't allow the enemy to convince you that you don't have a purpose because of all the pain you've been through because you preach from your pain and that's your ministry and if you sit in your if you sit in your mess and you don't think you're worthy there's someone out there waiting for a good word from you and if you don't give it you've let the enemy steal that from you and they could be waiting to hear a word all of that tiktok to me was based upon upon the enemy isolating us and keeping us in that lonely place in that box yeah because we would never tap into our purpose if we say that when i heard that i was like lord this lady is preaching and it's in such a practical way but we have to realize it's important for us not only for ourselves but for others yes our purpose is not just for us no and our pain is for others it's not it's not about us i mean yes we get shaped by it and we grow but it's not just for us to suffer it's for us to help others going through the same thing or similar things and to pull them up out of the mess and say hey you're gonna be okay and i can relate to it yes i know what you're feeling yes i'm not saying i'm perfect and i know what you're feeling i do right and i can relate to it and that that's the whole purpose um even coming out of loneliness that's the whole purpose of wanting to talk about it of people that have struggled with it people that have struggled with chronic loneliness or maybe it's just the surface of the emotional loneliness and that happens when tragedy take place in relationships or that process and you speak about this a lot when you have to deal with grief and stuff like that the loss of a person that that can happen um and you will isolate and be lonely for a very long time if you allow yourself to um the social that's kind of hard uh because we are wired now or we are conformed and trained very good word programmed to deal with everything that's social they have to deal with everything right from a social standpoint like they're eliminating i was in a restaurant what was it wendy's i think it was wendy's wendy's a taco bell one of them no i definitely want taco bell and they had no human oh man everything was kiosked and i was like what can i just talk to a person and tell them what how i want the burger i can't punch it in because i actually want my onions a little grilled but not grilled enough and sprinkle a little salt and pepper but i can't tell that to a machine and do we not see that they're eradicating us like are we that stupid literally the movie wall-e is coming to fruition here where we're just going to sit in a chair and push a button and everything's going to come to us we're gonna be big fat blobs not not interacting with each other being afraid of each other all that stuff because we don't interact we're going to lose that whole ability but i also want to speak to something because i'm living it right now they don't i don't think we are prepared enough about the nest becoming empty and that's a real loneliness that's a loneliness right there because when you have lived your life for these children that god's blessed you with and you've done everything around them and then all of a sudden they're no longer there more can i just tell you that breaks my heart and i know there's a lot of parents out there that are dealing with that and i don't think we've ever really as a society talked about that you know i want to especially as a mother and i'll speak upon fathers because at least because i'm not a father i don't think that a lot of men speak up about truly being a parent unless they're you know a dad mom or something like that but i'm a dad mom dad you know what i mean but mothers um you all are built as nurturers regardless right so it affects you all openly that's why mother's day is more celebrated than okay i'll talk about that later it's coming up please don't but um mothers struggle with that and for reals yeah raise my hand jump up and down do it do it really like put you in a place of feeling like you're alone when your children leave yeah because my identity a whole lot of it is wrapped up in my kids and i was like pta mom i was classroom mom for all three of them i was you know soccer mom all that i was involved in every aspect of whatever they were doing and i'm so very blessed that i was i'm not complaining at all but when you are that wrapped up in their lives and then they start becoming what you've wanted all along which is their own independent person you kind of sit there and go oh now what do i do with myself so that why some parents continue to live their life through their children probably wow i think so i can't speak to that but i think that could be a possibility based upon everything that we just said i can i'm starting to understand uh whether it's mother or father why there were a lot of parents that i've seen in that aspect still trying to live their life through their children and their children is like grown grown and the parents are like yeah i want you to you know do this like me and that really how can they form what you gave to them for their children if you're still there um from a male perspective uh i don't know if i'm gonna get a lot of dads to agree with me i hope you do i hope you respond dads we we do carry a nurturing um however we we may kick out the nest a little quicker than a mom will because we actually do want you to fly like we we want you to get on out there and do it we're not trying to hold on as long well and i want to speak to that because okay i've had two that have gone off on their own pretty much now my third one i have one more year with her and um is it the baby and it's a baby um but no the first one killed me too but um as much as i want to be selfish and i want her to stay with me i've realized how selfish that is and i want her to fly because it would be all about me for her to stay and i don't want her to do that i don't want her to feel like that i don't want her to even consider it i want her to go out there and kick the world's butt because i know she will but at the same time and i'm fortunate because i think i realized when the second one flew the nest how i really need to pay attention and and i have you know when i get in my feelings about something and i'm irritated yeah i sit there now and i go this is short-lived wow oh my god this is not gonna last forever so you better soak it up and and this is a really good conversation because loneliness is real when it comes to parents now i again from a dad perspective yes it does affect us it does like my children are not even here with me um in the next month or so so it does affect us however we're okay we're okay um i think you mentioned earlier um and maybe a lot of mothers deal with this the identity of who you are has spilled over into your kids because of the nurturing aspect that mothers give that's just 100 true i mean you can't get around that so i think it's just going to hurt regard regardless oh yeah but we don't talk about it i don't think maybe i just missed that conversation i don't know and i'm glad this conversation's coming up because now maybe some mothers need to have that conversation because we've bottled it up and we've isolated and we've probably compartmentalized it and we just you know keep it over there that's something you don't talk about i wonder how my mom felt and i was the only boy i wonder how my mom felt when i left because every time i came back if i was just to visit or come over there for oh baby you want something to eat and she'll make me breakfast and yeah i was loving that like i'm 40 years old and she's like baby i'll make you something you lay in the bed i was like i'm gonna stay with my mama but i wonder did she did she feel that yeah i guarantee she did oh my wow wow and this is not about guilting the moms that don't feel this way at all i'm just speaking for me because that's all i can speak on wow but this is it's it's become it's been a real challenge for me and i'm divorced and i'm amen i'm uh hoping that there's a perspective of a relationship um in the works but you know thinking that you're going to be like alone alone is a big deal yeah yeah and i guess i can play over your emotions mental psychological like all the kids gone they're starting their lives you know now and you're still single yeah that that can be hard and that's when the pity party you know comes in and you start well it's i'm just gonna be me and i'm not gonna you know the holidays come around they're not gonna want to be here and blah blah blah blah and negative nancy takes up residency in your head yeah yeah you're right and that can that can play a major part in um not ever dealing with the loneliness not ever filling that void i think a lot of um acknowledging especially as parents that should be something that we should start doing more let's acknowledge it let's let's say as parents especially mothers hey it's gonna hurt when my kids leave yeah i mean you you had them you birthed them you watched them walk you changed diapers like you did all that and now they're 20 21 22 however old and they go off and they're starting their lives and you don't hear the pitter patter no more you don't hear the house if you have multiple kids yeah you don't hear the the arguing and the fussing and stuff like that it's just so quiet and you're like what yeah you're going crazy this is a new experience so yeah that can play on your psyche especially if there's no one there but you and the cat and the dog yeah well they know cat oh but anyways for reals man yeah for reals we do need to speak on that more and encourage each other more it's both parents i think it it plays a major part we try to be hard but us dads hurt too we do we're not nurturers god built woman to nurture however we have a level of he motions emotions emotions that we deal with hey uh i don't know if you all know but i have a friend by the name of mark he must be outside the window yes my dude is here you better not start tapping you better not start tapping on that window or he gonna catch something he must miss me like he's sitting there just looking at me anyway um so this this segment of of loneliness i mean there's so many aspects to it um i think we probably can do uh another one in regards to the uh emotional and social part because social can that affect you by way of family too i've isolated from my family because they didn't understand they pissed you off thanks in selfie language i tried to keep it i know you tried to make it over they didn't understand me and i isolated from them but i felt myself lonely i felt lonely when i needed a sibling just a sibling to talk to um to understand because they're my sibling they you would think that they understand well yeah and i think you know like when you get into that kind of situation and then there's like a family event and you don't go because you're avoiding that particular sibling or family member then you're missing out on the whole event and then the loneliness gets even stronger because you're in that pity party of well i just you know missed out on all that and all right just cover that thanks well no but yeah you're right i mean you can go further into it but that's just you're absolutely that that's it in a nutshell you don't want to deal with it or you want to isolate from it so you you don't feel it because it it still hurts still a sting um so isolation has helped me from it hurting yeah and i i'm lonely because i really do want to be around my siblings i really do want to see family but they piss me off in my shelby voice it pissed me off maybe we need to talk about that i was going to keep going but maybe we need to stop and do it a second yeah let's do that shelby got more she was ready she when she look up holy spirit is down right there so we'll come back here in just a minute man we appreciate you all word of mouth podcast love you