Balzac and Jimmy's Vagina

All right, let's just do it. Liv and John, one minute. Welcome to Two Vets Walk Into a Bar. I'm Alex and this is? Shana. Shana, you're awesome. Let it be said. We need the intro. We need the Norwegian-Bruselain intro, except for not that one. Closer. That's the one. It's not recording. Okay, is it recording now? Yeah. Hi, welcome to Two Vets Walk Into a Bar. I'm Alex and this is? Shana. I want you to do it for her. I think say, hi, this is Two Vets Walk Into a Bar, and I go, or, and you go, I'm Alex and this is, and I'm like, Shana, whatever. Right? Like, so kind of in the middle. Between the two of us? No, like, no, between Two Vets Walk Into a Bar. Hey, uh, you know, welcome to Two Vets Into a Bar. Or, I was, I thought it would be cool. Welcome to Two Vets Walk Into a Bar. I'm Alex, and this is the very special, Shana. That's it. One, three, one. Welcome to Two Vets Walk Into a Bar. I am Alex, and introducing the very special, Shana. We've already been drinking. We beat you to the punch. And also we got a new little chime that I haven't messed around with. So, it's going to take some time, guys. That's all right. We're already in the punch. Shana, why don't you go ahead and get us started? Okay. Well, let's, you want to have some current events, current events today. I am the midwife to a ball sack. It's funny, because I feel like I'm the midwife to a ball sack sometimes, especially on sweaty days. I don't know if you girls know that, but this is what baseball players are really dealing with. They're not trying to show off. They're just trying to get their ball sacks off the side of their left leg. Sorry, where were we? Bat, is that why it's called bat wings? Explain more about ball sacks. So, I have this friend, a veterinarian. The veterinarian walked into a bar. Just kidding. She walked into the pet store to grab some food for one of her members of her menagerie at her house. Why are we talking about members again? Yeah, well, that's how it goes. We never go far from the members. We just call it the membership. So, yeah, so she felt bad of this little thing. They call it a skinny pig. Have you heard about these things? No, but it really sounds like euphemism. We're not leaving the membership. You know, I know how you love the hairless cat. So, this is a guinea pig. Wait a minute. And just to be clear, she means legitimately the hairless cat. That is not a euphemism this time. It's almost always. The default is euphemism. But this time, I actually find hairless cats disgusting. Yeah, so they have this thing that's bald and she feels bad for it. And they tell her it's a male. She brings it back to the office. We flip it over and everybody's petting this little thing that looks like a scrotum. And she says, this is not a male, this is a female. So, fast forward two weeks of this thing living in her house. Hang on, it's a ball sack. Can you get any more specific on, I mean, does it have legs even? It does have legs. It's a guinea pig. Okay, all right. It's a guinea pig. I did say that you were too focused on the bald putty. Okay. Well, who can blame me? So, fast forward two weeks. It's a big fat bald sack. And we x-rayed it and there are four little baby ball sacks in there. Hang on, how can this ball sack? This is no joke. This is an actual story. And an actual guinea pig named ball sack. True story. And actually I'm screwing it up. And this ball sack is. Ball sack. Ball sack. Ball sack. Oh, B-A-L-Z-A-C. Yes. Ball sack. For our Canadian and British friends. Right. Yeah, because we don't have any of those. But we do have Dan. We do have Danny. He's soft like a Canadian. She says that. Oh, sorry, I thought you meant. Dan also is soft. He is. Yeah, yeah. But lovely. I love Dan, yeah. Yeah, yeah, I was talking to him today. Oh. Yeah, long story. How's he doing? Awesome. Good. I mean, and if he weren't, he wouldn't tell us. But at least I think he says. No, he would, he would. So, good for him. Good fella, yeah. So, back to the. He probably has a hairy ball sack where he lives. I haven't asked him. Nice and warm, nice and warm from him up there. Oh, sure, yeah, okay. So, this particular ball sack. So, ball sack, what they call a skinny pig, is supposed to be birthing these little babies. And from what I understand, guinea pigs just walk right out of there, eyes open and ready to eat. You're kidding, out of the womb? Yep. Wow. Yep. Very interesting, has that happened yet? Not yet. I am actually the ball sack midwife this weekend. No kidding. Well, you do have some experience, that's what I heard. Well, I'm good at milking. The tunnel, have you seen the dune? Have you seen dune two? No, I haven't yet. Oh, you know the worm, the worm that they. Does it travel through the dune, the sand? That kind of looks like the worm from dune. Oh, boy. And it looks like a bullfrog with a little tiny toothpick sticking out. The poor little thing is so fat. It looks like hungry hippo. Did you ever play that when you were a kid? No. Hungry, hungry hippo? No, I played a lot of that game where you reach in and you get electrocuted if you get the wrong part. Oh, that's funny. Yeah, I didn't do so well on anatomy. I was really freaked out after that childhood experience. I mean, I passed, but. Half-Asher Simerson. Half-Asher Simerson. Did I ever, I have to tell you about the story in vet school, I don't know if I ever told you this, but there was a, in our freshman year in anatomy, we had to, for tests, we would, you dissect part of a dog leg, part of a dog abdomen, part of a chicken, even, briefly, horse, all these different species. And when you would do the dissection, you learn all the specific names of all the little veins and vessels and muscles and tendons, and you had to name them all, know them. And so for the test, what we would do is get these little Q-tips, not Q-tips, I'm sorry. What do you, the thing you stick into a piece of meat to hold it together? Toothpick. Toothpick, thank you very much. Different from a Q-tip, but no less painful. It can both be used as a weapon. These little. Yeah, that Q-tip in the ear. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I have one need to come out of there. And what did you say it was again? Toothpick. Toothpick. The toothpicks was a flag, and on the flag was put the name of the body part. Okay. And so we would be quizzed together as these small dissection groups, there were about five or six of us in a group, and the whole class was divided up by a bunch of five or six person things. And so for tests, we would be tested on our ability to both, we'd each be given a stick, and we'd be graded on our accuracy of putting it in the right place. Okay. And then our classmates, and then I think to make the name of it, our classmates would then walk around and. Put their flags. And then decide what that flag was for. Okay. So it's hidden, it's number one, two, three, five, but if you're the. So anyway, my friend Jimmy in the class, he got vagina, and the problem with. So he had to stick his toothpick in the vagina? Yeah, but the problem is that like, it's more specific than that, right? Like vaginal vault is one open area. So that's a lot of. But then there's sort of specific other parts of vagina in general. And so, I mean, do you put it on the labia? Do you put it on the clitoris? Or where do you put it? I don't know. So Jimmy had a bit of a conundrum, because he knows his anatomy well enough that he wanted to be proper about it. And so he comes to one of our, by coincidence, funniest professors and said, well, I know what it is, but I don't know where to put it. And he just looked at him and said, Jimmy, the story of our lives. Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Probably not worth the 15 minute build up for that. No, it was good though. But I. No, it's a good story. Pretty. No, that's a good one. Speaking of which, I want to hear about this story about your client that came. Oh, you know what? Let's stay with that area. I wish I could remember this exactly, but a few weeks ago, I had someone in a room. I can't, I don't know if I can say this right, but she was, she came in for one thing for her dog, but in the middle of it, she said, oh, also, there's this little tiny, like, BB-sized thing on its chest that I want you to, I want you to tell me if it needs to be removed or not. And I couldn't find it, and I looked around, and it was just, like, kind of buried in some hair and subcutaneous fat and digging around, and she said, you know, my husband couldn't find it either. And then she looked at me and she grinned, and she said, he has that problem a lot. Oh my God. The thing's, it's. She looked me right in the eye when she said that. Well, you know, it's a multiple purpose that you serve. Oh, I'll tell you something. I, I did make a joke, I can't remember what I said, but I thought, golly, this is my kind of lady. Was she hot? No, no, but, um. No, but, um. It was funny. But she has the right attitude. I wish I remember what my comeback was, because it's actually pretty funny, and I had Stephanie Holden, and Stephanie, who is there for a lot of the inappropriate jokes that I sort of walked the line with, and she, like, doesn't say anything very often about it, but that time, the client started with, my husband isn't very good at fighting it either. Did she laugh? She did laugh. Because I feel like she tries to not. She stays professional. Yeah. She doesn't, so. Yeah, too funny, though. Anyway. My husband can't find the, he has that problem a lot. What are you trying to say, lady? What am I trying to say? But did you find it? I think I said. But did you find it? I think I said, well, you should leave it to the professionals, then. All right, that's a great comeback. A little work, right? And then, did you find it? No. Oh, shit. Too hairy. This is what they call a callback to an earlier joke. Yes, yes. In comedy. Yes. No, I prefer mine hairless. In this instance. In this. In this instance. Oh, I got a feeling. It's the hairless. Yeah. Oh, man. Thank God no one's ever gonna hear this. Oh, this is just not gonna be good. No. It's gonna be really inappropriate. There's no way. There's no way. It's R-rated. I think I need a new coat. R-rated. It's an R-rated, this is an R-rated show. Yeah, okay, well, I wanna hear about. Parental discretion advice. I wanna hear about your client team. The one that choked her pussy? No, but I do wanna hear that. Oh, well. This is the feline episode. Yes, apparently. Clearly, we're just staying with the cats. Well, and the skinny pigs. She called the office and is talking to one of the nicest people on the planet that just gives too much information over the phone anyways and is saying that she has this cat that has, and we're also talking about birth still, the cat has six kittens. All the kittens are stillborn. Oh, I did hear about that. And the cat's really having a hard time and it has placenta and what I'm imagining is placenta, what she's describing, coming out of it and the cat's not doing very well and so they asked her to come in and she said she didn't have the funds to come in so they referred her to a couple of different places that would probably do it for nothing. Actually, they would probably have done it for nothing had she brought the cat in, but the owner felt that it was best for the cat to be euthanized, just didn't seem so humane that she called, so segue because I am a terrible storyteller. She calls and leaves a message on the machine Friday night. Thank you guys so much for your help. This is after she called. I really appreciate, but Fluffy Fluff passed away on the way to the place that you referred me to. Thank you so much. Thank you guys so much. And then proceeds to call us on Tuesday and tell us how she choked the cat to death and it took two minutes for it to die. So it wasn't actually dead on Friday. And it wasn't, it did die on Friday, but not on the way to the place that she claimed. Oh, I see, I see. But it's okay, because she's absolved. She went to church on Sunday. She said this? The pastor's wife said, sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do. You did what you thought was right. And she absolved her of it, but her husband's judging her and she's hoping that we won't judge her. What else is the preacher's wife feeling? That she feels like she can get away with it without any trouble, that she's not telling the preacher. She's, you know, absolving everybody of their everything. Three Hail Marys, two Our Fathers and get on your knees. Yes, get on your knees. Okay, nice. Have you seen this? Shit, I'm Catholic. How about a Catholic, mentioning Catholic is making me think of the new Netflix series, Baby Reindeer. Have you seen this? Have you heard about this? I have not, but I do want to see it. You've seen it? Holy crap. Really? Yeah. You're talking about the whole thing through or just the very ending? Because apparently the ending, there's a special surprise. Yes, there is a special surprise. That's what you're talking about? Yeah. But it's worth watching. Regarding the Catholicism, I'm talking about the ending, but yeah, the whole show is just- Worth watching? It's like Docker, yeah. So it makes you uncomfortable, it's a goodie because of that. How many episodes? Seven. I just finished it, so. Okay, and you would recommend it to me? Yeah, I would recommend it to you. I would recommend it to an adult audience only. Okay, I got you, okay. But yeah, it's kind of crazy stuff. So tell me the story about the, is that enough for now? Sure. See what it sounds like? Yeah, we could play it and see what it's like. See what's in our pockets? Yeah, we're not going to.