Dirty Chai with Chio - Ep 43 - Life lessons from a 90 year old Part 2 of 2

In this podcast episode, Yahushua discusses lessons from a column by Regina Brett. He emphasizes the importance of over-preparing and going with the flow. He encourages listeners to be eccentric and embrace their true selves. He also talks about the significance of having meaningful conversations and taking responsibility for one's own happiness. Yahushua suggests framing disasters and decisions by asking if they will matter in five years. He advises choosing life, forgiving but not forgetting, and not worrying about what others think. He concludes by saying that time heals almost everything. Hello. Hi. Welcome to this sixth installment of the Dirty Shack podcast with me, Yahushua. The podcast where we focus on holistic professional and personal success by growing and developing the common denominator to all your successes or your failures and everything in between, you. It's about the mindset, emotional regulation, and the intentional personal development that underpins holistic success. In this week's installment, we're continuing with the second part of a two-part series on the 45 life lessons from a 90-year-old You'll recall from last week that these life lessons are widely known from a very popular column by Regina Brett. The column was originally featured in the Plain Dealer newspaper in Cleveland, Ohio. Since then, it has become its own website and has become even more widely recognized and referenced. In fact, the writer of the life lessons went on to be a finalist for a Pulitzer Prize. So, we covered 22 of the lessons. So, let's see. I think we covered 22. So, I'm going to start with 22 just to be on the safe side, right? Now, lesson number 22 is over-prepare and then go with the flow. I cannot emphasize this enough. There is a circle of control, and then there is a wide space in which there is nothing we can do about certain things. What you can control is the manner in which you show up, the manner in which you present yourself, the manner in which you prepare for opportunities that meet you through no action on your part. Opportunity, when it meets preparedness, is often referred to as luck. But it's very often that opportunity passes through quietly and is missed entirely because there was no preparation whatsoever for it. If you want to be wealthy, are you learning how to handle money? If you want to be a director, are you empowering yourself to be a director? If your idea is that you will learn how to do these things when the thing arrives, then you will never meet the thing on the road. If you happen to be ready for the thing when it passes by, then you are more likely to recognize it and then go with the flow. So, to go with the flow is not to jump into the water with no ability to swim. To go with the flow is to learn to swim, and when a beautiful body of water presents itself, you go in knowing what to do. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple. I definitely remember talking about this last week because I wished I had the poem on hand. When I grow old, I shall wear purple. Be eccentric now. Be the fullest version of yourself now. Be quirky now. I cannot tell you the number of times I have been told in this life that I am so weird, that I am so peculiar. But I can also not quantify the number of times I have been complimented for it. So, there are many people who say it hoping that I will feel bad about it and that I will change. There are many people who say it wanting to modify my behavior in some way. But there are also far more people who appreciate that I just show up as who I am. And of all the things that I have done in this life, that skill that I learned so late in life has been the most rewarding. Be yourself. The most important sex organ is the brain. That's number 24. I could not agree more. I could not agree more. And now that I find myself single, I honestly don't understand how it is possible for me to be single. How people imagine that they might have a sexual relationship when they cannot hold an interesting conversation. Where is the door to the sexual interest? Where is it? If you cannot hold a conversation about anything, anything, any topic that is of interest to you, let us have a conversation about it. Let us hear your passion. Let us hear your thoughts on it. Let us hear you wrap words around something of interest. Let us talk about something other than sex itself. And let us find it interesting. And good God, we might open doors to other places. Right? Number 25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you. There are so many statements that speak to this. Happiness is an inside job. Well, I can't think. Happiness is an inside job is the one that I use the most. I suppose there are many more. And I have read them. I just can't remember any of them right now. But what I would like to emphasize here is we often externalize responsibility for our happiness. We want that thing to happen in order for us to be happy. We want those people to fix themselves in order for us to be happy. We want that person to say sorry in order for us to be happy. The truth is the choice to be happy, the choice to heal ourselves, the choice to grow ourselves forever rests with you. Nobody is in charge of that except you. You have agency. If you think your agency lies somewhere else, it's because you have given that power over there. And it is yours to take back. So frame every so-called disaster with these words. In five years, will this matter? Number 26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words. In five years, will this matter? This question has been life-changing for me, not only in terms of looking at disasters, but also in looking at things that I might want to enjoy, things that I might want to try. Sometimes I'll look at myself and think, oh, I'm so busy, I'm so busy. And I keep saying this to people. I was speaking to a new colleague, and they were debating whether to go on holiday with their mother. And I said to them that the amount of time you have left with your mother is probably finite, just from a biological standpoint. Is the stuff that you would do work-wise of the same value as knowing that there might not be another opportunity for you to travel in this manner with your mother? I'm paraphrasing how I said it. But the point is, it's not just disasters that we're framing with these questions. It's also value judgments. It's also considering whether you should go and visit your grandmother this Easter or this Christmas. It's also considering whether you should hug a person extra long. It's also considering whether you should send that message saying, hello, do you want that relationship to be intact five years from now? Are you acting like it? That's what this question is meant to ask you. Number 27, always choose life. Choose life in the things that you say. Choose life in the things that you do. Choose life in the people that you hang out with. Because we may or may not realize it, but sometimes we choose death. Sometimes we choose weight. Sometimes we choose to be suffocated. Sometimes we choose to hold our breath and deny ourselves oxygen. Sometimes we do not realize that we are participating in limiting ourselves. Choose life. Choose to breathe deeply. Choose to expand your lungs. Choose to laugh from your belly. Choose to inhale that gorgeous scent. Choose to see that beautiful flower. Choose to speak amazing words that uplift you and uplift others. Choose to heal yourself. Choose to stop saying them and to start saying I. Choose agency. That is what choosing life means to me. That is what I understand from number 27. Number 28, forgive but don't forget. I fully subscribe to this. I can forgive anything. I almost never forget. For some people, that might come across as petty. But what I understand this to mean is don't carry the grudge. Don't let it weigh you down. Don't think that by you being angry over there, you're punishing someone who's living their life somewhere else. But if a person violates your boundaries or violates your feelings or violates your heart in a particular way, you do not have to stay standing next to them. This might mean that you have a cordial relationship instead of an overly close relationship. This might mean that you put some distance between you and the other person instead of spending all your time with them. That's what it means. You can forgive them but understand what you're dealing with. And don't labor under delusions that somehow a repair will come from a person who is not suffering from the thing that you are suffering from. If a person hurts you and they ask for your forgiveness, there is nothing to be gained from withholding it. It is for you to decide where to place the boundary with the knowledge of what it is that you're forgiving and what it is that they're capable of. Number 29, what other people think of you is absolutely none of your business. And I agree. I watched an episode of Mark Manson's podcast this morning and I took a screenshot of some of the comments. Let me just see if I can find them quickly because I thoroughly appreciated the perspective on our idea of being watched or being judged by other people. Someone wrote, in my 20s, I was so worried about what people thought of me. In my 30s, I finally stopped worrying about what people thought of me. In my 40s, I realized no one was thinking about me in the first place. And that is the ultimate freedom. There is something called the spotlight effect, which is the idea that we think that because we are with ourselves all the time, we can see and hear ourselves all the time. We think everyone can see and hear us all the time. In truth, everyone is experiencing that same feeling and they're really not paying attention to you for the most part. You don't matter to other people as much as you matter to yourself. So you might think that everyone noticed that you stuttered a little when you gave your speech. But if anyone noticed, they probably didn't hang on to it for very long. That's what the spotlight effect is. And when you understand that what other people think of you is none of your business, when you understand that they are hardly thinking about you anyway, you are freed from such a massive burden. You're freed from so many insecurities. You're freed from a gaze that is created by you and weighted by you. You can free yourself and control the pressure that you put yourself under on the basis of what other people might think. Number 30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time. In 2009, my mother died and a part of me died too. And I thought that the part of me, the part of my heart that was ripped out would never ever heal. Never ever. And here I am in 2024. I still cry sometimes. I still miss my mother terribly sometimes. But I can tell you that the open gash that was in my heart that was bleeding with no sense or sensibility has since closed. Now it just hurts from time to time. Now I think of her and I smile sometimes. There was a time when I couldn't think beyond the pain that she was in at the time that she died. And if that pain in my mind could be healed, if the pain of burying her by myself, if the pain of going through all of these things could get better, there must be some truth in the idea that time heals almost everything. You can only give time time. Number 31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change. I'm not sure if you're familiar with the expression, this too shall pass. The expression, this too shall pass, and however good or bad a situation is, it will change. What this is meant to do is to remind you to be present. If you're in a bad situation, don't be consumed by it as though it will never end and it is the beginning and the end of your entire world. If you're in a good situation, don't be so consumed by it that it becomes the beginning and the end of your world. So if you're in a good moment, enjoy it. Bask in it. Embrace what is happening. But understand that you must enjoy it because it shall end. Something bad will happen. Life is like that. And when that something bad happens, that too shall end. And then another good thing will happen. And maybe four good things will happen in a row. The idea is while you're in the moment, while you're on that step, let that light shine on you. But don't lose sight of the fact that there are many other steps to follow. That, when viewed in the right light, will keep you grounded and present and able to enjoy the good moments and not be destroyed by the bad. Number 32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does. I think this is an echo of number 29. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does. No one takes you as seriously as you imagine. That is a good way to stay humble. Be the best that you can be. And if you are okay with what you're doing, perish the idea that someone else should come and put a tiara on your head. Number 33. Believe in miracles. I certainly do. I truly believe in miracles. Because I think there is no way I could be a girl from Chipinge who went to a very urban primary school and a convent high school somewhere, who would somehow end up here where I am. I do the work that I do. I live where I live. I have these gorgeous babies. I've survived so many things. I have experienced so many beautiful moments. Life has just been full of many brutal and beautiful moments. Brutal as Glennon Doyle would say. I couldn't have woven this tapestry. It could not be me. I have participated. But it certainly feels to me that at certain points along the journey, I have been met by miracles. What some people might call luck for me has always been the miracle of something greater than me meeting me at a point and carrying me over to the next stage. And maybe that is a construct. Mark Manson would argue that that is a construct. That it is something that I hold on to in order to stay sane. And I can honestly say this. I will happily do so. Because it adds value to my life. And it adds value to my spirit. And that is what spirituality, I think, is primarily for. To connect you with something deeper and more meaningful than a narcissistic focus on who we are. Number 34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do. We have spoken many times about the concept of self-worth. There is an episode of the podcast purely on that. But let me remind you that you are born worthy. You are born with self-worth. Self-esteem is how stable your sense of self-worth is. So stabilize your sense of self-worth because that is inherently yours. Work on making sure that that inherent worth is rooted. That you reinforce it in yourself. That you remember that when you came, you were a piece of divinity. It is your continued existence on this planet and your interactions with the humans on this planet that sometimes makes you doubt that you were born divine. But it does not change that fact. Number 35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now. I think the best example of this are people who become extremely focused. So there is a fire movement. And this is a form of saving that is aimed at early retirement. And what people do in the fire movement is they give up all pleasures of life. And they forfeit purchasing almost anything. They are severely frugal. And the idea is to retire as early as possible. And Ramit Sethi said something that was meaningful to me. He said, people want to strive painfully towards something only to get there and realize that they don't know how to enjoy it. You don't suddenly get to your retirement age and then work out. And start working out, okay, so what do I spend money on? When you've spent 10 to 15 years not spending money on a single thing. It's more likely you'll just die with your money. And what Ramit says is learn how to enjoy waiting. How to enjoy while you are building. How to build in the enjoyment of life because you only get one go around. So yes, you can audit life. Yes, you can ask yourself questions. But don't be so consumed by measuring your progress. Measuring what you've achieved and not achieved. Hungering for and striving for the next thing that you do not pause to see, celebrate or be in the moment. You see, every moment that you use for these things is used and gone. You don't get to do all of these things. Forfeit all your hours. Never invest in your children. Never spend time with them. And then turn around in 20 years and say, okay, I'm ready. There's a tech billionaire or tech millionaire who said something along the lines of, he invested 20 years in building his children the life of their dreams. And he had no time to hang out and be at home. He was doing something. And then when he was ready to finally build a relationship with his children, and they had enough money according to him, they had learned to live their lives without him. And they weren't particularly interested in a relationship with him. Be careful what you sacrifice on the way because you cannot come back. You cannot relive the moment once it's gone. Number 36. Growing old beats the alternative. Dying young. Just remember that you can die young metaphorically as well. Let's take the literal as fully understood. That we must appreciate getting older. Because we sometimes focus overly on getting old, on getting a few more wrinkles, on gaining a little bit of weight. Just remember that the alternative sometimes is just not being around. And so there is something to be appreciated about the opportunity to grow old. But also understand that dying young can also be dying metaphorically. I've met people, women especially, who maybe lost a marriage early in their lives. And they built a shrine to that marriage and never got around to living again because that person was lost to them and they would have wanted that to survive. That's a form of dying young. When something doesn't work out the way you would have wanted to and you leave a part of your soul there, that is dying young. So choose wisely where you can not to die young. Choose to understand that there is no other way to get through a difficult thing other than through. And when you get through it, instead of sitting on it for an eternity, there is a beautiful life to be built and made with the alternative. Sheryl Sandberg and Adam Grant wrote a book together on Option B. Understanding that sometimes Option A doesn't work out and there's nothing you can do about Option A not working out. But you can figure out Option B. And you can live the heck out of it. Number 37. Your children only get one childhood. I think I've inadvertently spoken about this. Remember the Silicon Valley CEO. Your children only get one childhood. I would say participate in it to the extent that you can. Let it be as childhood-like for them for as long as you possibly can make it so, while keeping them safe. That is the magic. That is what you're meant to do as their guardian and as a person who loves them. Number 38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved. I'm not the best person to explain this one because I'm not here yet. I'm not sure that I agree. But this is what someone much older is telling me. So maybe there's something I need to learn in the end. So maybe I'll circle back one day and tell you guys that, I think all that truly matters in the end is that you loved. Number 39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere. I could not agree more. Number 40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and so everybody else's, we would grab ours back. Perspective. The idea that you have the worst lot in life is simply not true. One of the things you can do for yourself in this regard is talk to people. Actually hear them. Listen without judgment to what they're going through. And you'll understand that we each have a lot in life. We each have something that we carry. And other people's things, even though they may look better, are not necessarily better. Number 41. Envy is a waste of time. Accept what you already have, not what you think you need. There's nothing wrong with building what you have. There's nothing wrong with aspiring for more. But envy, the thing that you have should be with me, that is an ugly emotion. And that consumes the person who feels it. Number 42. The best is yet to come. My God, has this been true? And I cannot wait to see what the next 10 years bring. I hope that you have an understanding of the fact that the best is yet to come. It's simply for you to switch on that part of your brain that embraces your agency. And you get to creating it. Number 43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up, and show up. This is a thing I'm working on. I'm not great at it. I'll tell you something, though, that I can tell you about getting up, dressing up, and showing up. I used to dress according to the occasion. So if I was going to have a big board meeting, then I'll dress extra nice. But otherwise, I'll just dress sloppily. Or whatever it is I felt like wearing. Until one day I realized that I am the brand. I am the thing that I should be dressing up for. Not the meeting that I'm going to. Because it happened, I realized that sometimes you get pulled into meetings that you didn't anticipate. You meet people all the time. And I remember one time it clicked when I thought, Oh, if I'd known I was meeting this person, I would have dressed a little bit nicer. And I thought, so you would do this thing for another person, but you would not do it for yourself. What does it say about the value that you place on the way that person sees you versus the way that you see yourself? And so every day I've started to select my outfits according to, is this the best I can do today? And it has done amazing things for the stability of my self-worth. In other words, for my self-esteem. I would urge you to try it if it's not something that you do already. Show up as the prettiest version, the most put together version of you that you can manage on that day. And you will surprise yourself with how you feel about it. Number 44. Yield. We spend so much time wanting to be right. Sometimes it's just not worth it. Yield where it matters. Move out of the way. Is it worth that fight on the internet with a random stranger about a random topic? Is it worth it? Do they eat puppets at your house? In the things that don't matter, understand when not to waste your energy. And this is what Mark Manson's book, The Subtle Art of Not Giving an F is about. Know what truly does not matter and yield. Number 45. Life is not tied with a bow. But boy, it's still a gift. And that's it. That's it from Regina Brett. And what a beautiful list. Everyone will look at something and get a different lesson. A different takeaway. A different story. Different inspiration from the same words. That's why they say you must go back to your favorite books from time to time and re-read them. Not because they have changed but you have changed. And so reading these life lessons at this stage that I am in life, I am aware that I receive them in a different way than I would have 3 years ago, 4 years ago, 5 years ago. I'm aware that I will receive them in a different way in 5 years from now. I'm aware that I'll receive them differently according to the situation I'm in and the feelings that I'm feeling. And for that reason, I will keep them. And maybe I'll share them again in a year and we'll see where we are at that point. But I would hope that for the season that you are in now, you might have heard what I said about them. But that you would hear them according to where you are. And that you would grow with them as you progress through life. And that as you receive things and information and you read books, you understand that you are the work in progress. That you are the journey. That what you are feeling is the progress. That's what it's about. You are the common denominator in your life. Embrace that part. Be in that part. Allow yourself to evolve and to yield and to become. I hope that this episode has been beneficial. That it's given you something to think about. I would like to thank everybody who's left me a review, sent me a message. Today, I'm in week two of a new job. And we had a meeting that ended at 11 p.m. And I didn't think I would... I was seriously contemplating not putting an episode out this week for the first time. And then I received a message from one of my friends. We don't talk very often, but we do love each other. And it was a screenshot of one of the episodes I did. I think it was the Columbus story in Drafting an Unforgettable Presence. And she said, you are my favorite podcaster of all time. And I knew that no matter how late this meeting ended, I was going to get this episode out. I'm so grateful to each one of you who takes the time to listen and to support me and to send me a message and to send me a review and to rate the podcast. Please continue to do so. I truly appreciate it. I think the podcast is now rated on Apple Podcasts in about 10 or 12 countries. I am so grateful. So grateful. Thank you so much. Let's grow together. Have a great week. Transcribed by https://otter.ai