The Chill Spot Episode 11(Have you ever Thought about....Grieving)

The speaker discusses the recent extreme weather changes and urges listeners to donate and help rebuild homes affected by the hurricane and floods. They then shift to the topic of grieving and explain the stages and emotions that come with it. They provide advice on how to cope with grief and emphasize the importance of seeking support and help. The speaker shares a personal story of providing comfort to a friend who had recently lost her fiancé and how it ultimately helped her heal and move forward. They conclude by highlighting the power of faking it until you make it and the positive changes that can come from it. Asalaamu Alaikum Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuh, Greetings, Sanabonani. We have met again. For those of you who are listening or tuning in for the first time, allow me to introduce myself. My name is Ziyanda Akilam Nube, all the way from Pietermaritzburg, people. Speaking of Pietermaritzburg, we say praise be to the Almighty, we are not affected, you know, by these extreme weather changes lately, especially for this week and the past week. A lot of places have been affected by the hurricane and the floods, leaving a lot of homes destroyed, leaving people homeless, staying with friends, you know, or even having to crash with neighbors that were not affected, you know. And I say, please, let's stand together as a country, as a community, and work together in donating and help rebuilding and putting a hand here and there in assisting the needy that were affected by this. And a lot of stuff has been destroyed, like these people's homes, a lot of assets, and all of these things cost fortune. I mean, I'm talking about billions of rands. So please, people, if you are close by, or even know organizations that are, I don't know, infiltrating in these areas, work with them, and let's try to make a better situation of whatever calamities that befall us. Which brings me to the topic of discussion for today, grieving. I'll say it again, grieving people. And a lot of people tend to shy away from this topic, not even as a topic, but as an emotion to feel, which means they tend to suppress, you know, such emotions, and it's rather not healthy for us. So allow me, you know, to tap into that emotion, or to tap into that, you know, uninfiltrated feeling that you've been neglecting for so long. Let's start with, what is grieving, actually? So it is a natural phenomenon of an emotional response to the loss of someone, right? So it can occur after a serious illness, or a divorce, or even, you know, significant losses. And it tends to feel like numbness, or even denial, or it taps in as a feeling of shock, and even anger. So what not to do in a situation of grief, or when you are, sorry, grieving? I would advise you, like, to not live in the past, you know, be present, and try by all means to be in the moment. Don't think about the future, don't think about the past, just be present. And try not to think about, you know, your previous situation. That's very, should I say, it makes you stagnant in terms of moving forward, and you must always not allow yourself to stay stagnant, and do not dwell in self-pity, or even lose yourself. Or even in feelings of trying to run away from what you are going through, you know? And I highly, highly, highly do not suggest that you face these emotions using substance, drugs, or even alcohol. So it is said that there are seven stages of grieving people. Seven, I know. So the first one is shock. By the time you receive the news, you know, you are not sure on how to react or what to do. And the following one is denial. And in this denial, it feels, the situation feels untrue. So the safe, or the safest way that your emotions take this whole thing is by treating it like it did not happen. And due to that, it moves on to your next stage, which is anger. You feel angry, you feel confused, you know? You feel like you could do something, even though you can't. And that's where the third, or should I say the fourth, sorry, the fourth stage comes in, where you want to bargain, you know? And in this bargaining, this other stage comes in, where you are contemplating and it leads you to depression. Because mind you, you can't do anything about it, but it's not making you happy. At the same time, you don't see a way forward. And the next step comes, or the next stage comes, where you are testing on whether or not you should, you know, go forward. And it's like putting your feet in hot water and you take it out again, you know, until you're comfortable enough with the temperature for you to get in, you know, this water. And the final stage of grieving is acceptance, right? So, there's four ways in which to cope, you know, with one's grief. And the first one, people, is acknowledgement and acceptance. Set stages and standards of progression. That way you can rate in which or not you are stagnant with your grief or you are moving forward, even as slowly as it could be or come. Identify and beware of your feelings, right? You cannot heal what you don't feel. So, people, know what you are feeling. Seek support, right? Avoid being alone and be vulnerable at that time, you know, which goes back to my previous, you know, thingy point, which is just to feel. And ask for help when needed. It is very important, people. Ask for help and seek help. Even if it's professional help, medical help, get yourself the help you need. It could be you have someone that you trust. It could be that you are affording of a psychologist or a counselor. People, by all means, our mental health is important. But I've made a lot of observations regarding grief. And I don't know, is it me? I've always noticed a pattern in families. I'm talking close families or even just families I don't necessarily, I'm not necessarily related to. Whenever there's a child born, there will always be like a life that gets taken away in that family. Whether it's before, while the child is still not birthed yet, or even after. You know, I don't know. I don't know if it's me, but I've really noticed that, you know. And in a blessing that's being taken away, there will always be a better one that comes into place. So now I want you to picture this. It happened with my father. He lost his car due to personal reasons that I cannot say. But over the years, he's got like really like even nicer cars, you know, as to the one that he's lost. That's what I mean. And in healing, something of you gets taken away. Be it your healing of a grief, or your healing of a loss of someone, or even a relationship, a part of you will get taken. Right? So in order for you to reach the places that you've never been, you need to do things that you've never done. I don't know if that makes sense. But I wanted to share a little bit of a story or an encounter that I faced once upon a time. And I had this friend of mine. And basically, I needed my hair to be done. So I called her to book. And as usual, she was available for me. And when I was supposed to go to her house, she gave me a different location in the same surrounding area. And I went to the address because I trusted her. And have you ever been in a situation where something happens out of coincidence, and something greater of an outcome does happen out of that mere coincidence? I remember this friend of mine, a day ago, now people, a day ago. So the day before I came, she had lost her fiance in a car accident. And like any, you know, person who had a beloved one, and who just, you know, got taken away in that way, or in that manner, it's, it's devastating, it's detrimental, it's tarnishing. It's a rip off. It's a rip off. And I remember I was told about her on the way as we were going. So she wanted, so my, my, it's one, my platter, if I could put it that way, or my braider, wanted us to be there just for a mere presence, you just to make a difference. And what happened there just changed everything. I got there, and the atmosphere was tense. The atmosphere was vivid, you know, and you can, you can sense it's okay, like, there are a lot of emotions, you know, going on, but most importantly, grief. So I sit there. And I'm like, what can I say to this person that's going to make the situation better? I can't take it away. But I need to make it better. And I was like, no, man. I can do this. If God didn't want me to be there, he wouldn't have made me to be there. I'm here, not by coincidence, but for purpose. And a year ago, I had recently lost my grandmother. And the year after, I recently lost an uncle of mine, a very close uncle of mine. And I want you to picture in these incidences that it wasn't even a year that the first, the first death occurred, and then the second death occurred. So that's how it was. So it was a death within a death, right, in the family, and it was very hard for everyone. And I was like, okay, let me talk about that. Sometimes when people have something to talk and relate to, it makes it better. I talked about that. I talked about the people that they were in their lifetime and what they were to me as a person. And I swear to you, their whole room started lighting up. You know, and I gave her this platform to just express herself. And I felt like for a stranger, a mere stranger to do that, she felt really comfortable and in a way, and judged, you know, unlike you would feel with someone that you know. And she just poured her heart out to me, telling me about her fiance, telling me about their plans, you know, and fast forward. After the funeral, she, a week later, got a job. And I think it was to the mercy of God that that happened because she really needed to get away from all her thoughts, you know, and just to be out there and get, you know, in activity of something. So she got a job. And after she got a job, it really affected her in a positive way. I started seeing some changes. I started seeing some efforts. She really started looking better physically. And you know, they say, fake it till you make it. It's not there by, I don't know, by rhyme or by fancy English. It's really there in existence. You have to fake it until you make it, people. And I remember clearly, it was one of the months that she recently started working. They had to go for training. And in this training, the training was in Durban. Now, her house with her fiance was in Durban. And because she couldn't afford to go to a hotel, you know, or even any of the business, should I say, accommodation, she decided it would be cheaper for her to just go to her fiance's house. And mind you, the house was abandoned, sort of, because it was every, it was, it was basically the state in which she left everything, you know. And I remember her calling me with his fiance. I need you to come with me. I need you to be there. I can't go alone. And it saddened me, right? Because knowing the mother that I have, like, she was like, she wouldn't, I knew she wouldn't even agree for me to go, like, so far without any supervision. That's my mother, people, I know. And we really tried talking to her and I was just right. And she didn't agree. Anyways, fast forward. Luckily, since the house was the way it was, the husband, so her husband's cousin was there from time to time just to make sure things are in place and there are no thugs or there are no, you know, paras that are, you know, in and around. I have to use the word para, you know, because I'm South African, yes. And in South Africa, we have para people. So I'll use the word para. I think we should add it to our dictionaries, don't you think? Yeah. Anyways, so the presence of the family member really assisted her because I couldn't be there. And I felt so bad. But as the week went on, because I think she was there for like two weeks, as the week went on, I would call her and check on her. And each day she felt better being there. She felt more comfortable being there. And I was like, no, man, this right here is not a coincidence. So God wanted her to be alone in order to overcome this grief. And I think by the time the second week started and she was just as happy as women, you know, and she embraced all of the agony and all of the pain that she was going through. And by the time that she was supposed to come back, she was not ready to leave, not because of any bad energies, but she just accepted and wanted to keep these memories, you know, with her. And I'm sorry, she might be angry if she was to be listening to this podcast. But I really felt like her story could inspire a lot of people. Now, she's very young. And after she came back from this work trip or this training, she came back a different person. And I saw all the stages of grieving occur onto her because I was there, you know, trying to support her in every way that I could go to her house to see her, you know, be that friend that she needed. I want to share with you this poem. It's called A Few Things by Rudy Francisco. It says, on days like this, I think of all the things I could be, I choose to be happy. On days like this, I think of all the accessories I could wear, and I choose a smile. On days like this, I think of all the names I could tell myself. And I say, grateful, worthy, I say, still here. On days like this, my mind, body, and soul turns into a three-piece band. And they're playing all the greatest hits, like joy, laughter, and letting go of anything that doesn't make me feel like the best version of myself. I'll be honest, I don't know much, but I know a few things about a broken heart. It's probably the worst injury you could have. It happens to all of us, but luckily, it doesn't last forever. I know a few things about revenge. It doesn't change what had already happened. It doesn't change what had already happened, and won't make the pain go away. Revenge is like starving yourself. Or making a meal for someone who isn't even hungry. I like, it feels like holding your breath and hoping that your enemies run out of oxygen. I know a few things about forgiving. It's harder than it looks, and it feels better than it sounds. I heard that while leaving Serbam, Luth's wife turned to see what was happening while they were leaving, and it transformed her into a soul, into a pole, a pillar of thought. I think the writer there is talking about the history of Luth and when they were leaving, so I hope you all can relate to that. Continuing, I know a few things about leaving. If you take too much time in packing, you will convince yourself to stay longer than you planned, and when you finally do it, you can't look back. I know a few things about healing. It's not a good employee. It shows up when it's ready, and only works when it wants to. I know a few things about self-care. It's not as fancy as it looks on Instagram. Sometimes it looks like drinking a glass of water. Sometimes it looks like laying down. Sometimes it looks like putting on your favorite song and dancing like the room is on fire. But you are an ice that doesn't know how to melt. I know things about my body, and it's the only ones that I have, right? It becomes everything that I say it is. My body doesn't like to raise its voice. My body doesn't like to rest more than once, and if I don't listen, it will go on strike when I need it the most. I know a few things about my mind. It's the most powerful tool that I own. If I say I am, then I will be, and all my success begins with what I say about myself. I know a few things about my spirit. It's not something I can point, look at, or draw, but I know it's there. I can feel it when I breathe. I can feel it when I breathe. It happens to me together on days when I feel like I'm falling apart. I know a few things about my life. I'm human, and being a human is difficult. Being a human is difficult. Being a good human is even harder. But it's still something I'd like to accomplish while I'm here. I know a few things about me. I hate mustard. I think raccoons are terrifying, and I've made a lot of mistakes, but I know a few things about tomorrow. It's kind of like a shadow. It's hard to see when the sun isn't bright, but regardless, it is there. Like the moon and the stars. Some days, I'll look at the sky and I'm reminded people and plants aren't so different. We have an orbit. Our energies decide what comes in and out of the atmosphere. We all have our own gravity. And that's the end of our poetry session, or should I say our poem, and if you still are grieving about something, or left certain chapters of grief in your life unfinished, I hope today's show has touched you in a different way, on an emotional aspect, or at least on a form of awareness for a good, healthy mental state. We are everything, but we are not our past, even though our past curves us into the person or the people that we are destined to be. So ask yourself, am I destined to be incomplete? Am I destined to feel pulled back by emotions that I can control, that I can adhere to, like grief? Be the best version of yourself. And I will tell you one thing, if you are a hundred percent, so will be the people that are around you. So will be the part of you that pours into other people's cups, and the same thing will happen when you're not. Unfortunately, we have to wrap up the show, and I hope you enjoyed each and every part of it. And some may somehow could relate, I'm blessed to have people like you who take out their time in listening to what I'm saying, and to listen to what I'm saying, and to listen I'm blessed to have people like you who take out their time in listening to whatever we have to say in the minimal and the most largest efforts. And we appreciate you so very much. I'd like to drop a little hint for you. Next week, we will be having a guest, inshallah, and we will be having what I'd like to say as our first, if not live, then a video recorded show segment clipped up for you. And we'll be dropping a little bit of hints on who our guest will be. So tune in people. Like I said, and I always do, it's your sister from another mister, coming to you live from Peter Merrittsburg. Peace, assalamu alaikum. Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa