Ep 1 - Sal Shares His Backstory

Two characters named Salivarius and Jared discuss their new podcast called Illusions of Granger, which is supposed to be the first official Dungeons & Dragons podcast. Salivarius, or Sal for short, is a rock gnome who tells jokes and talks about his background and theories. They mention their segment called Sal's Pals, where they will interview characters from other Dungeons & Dragons podcasts. However, they realize they don't have a theme song or music yet. Sal also pokes fun at Dungeons & Dragons nerds and talks about his Clockwork Universe theory. They run out of time and Sal ends the episode with a hummed outro. Greetings! My name is Salivarius, and this is Illusions of Granger! Cue the theme song! Sal, we haven't come up with a theme song yet. Well... Okay, so... I guess we should do, like, an introduction? That's probably a good idea. Okay, so, Illusions of Granger, the first official Dungeons & Dragons podcast. Sal, I don't... I don't think that this is the first official Dungeons & Dragons podcast. I think there are a lot of... other podcasts. Okay, so fine, it's not official or the first. So, let's... whatever, you know. But it is the first podcast for characters by characters. F.C., B.C., Pacific... You think that phrase is taken yet? Um, yeah, I think it is. That's impossible. No one could possibly... they just could not have thought of that before I did. I mean, I'm probably, like, the smartest gnome in the world, I think. If, you know, I were to check. Sal, maybe we should just start with introductions? Fine, you go first. My name is Jared, and I am the producer. Dude, that was so... so cool. Thanks for introducing yourself, at least for me, to make it interesting. My name is Salavarius. Sal for short. I'm a rock gnome. Because I like to rock. And I'm a gnome. Bet you never heard that joke before, Jared. Um, yeah, you said it yesterday. Shut up. I'm just trying to do my introduction now. So, uh, should I, like, tell people where I'm from and that kind of thing? Yeah, you should probably tell them that, and also what the point of this is. Right, the point. The point. Like my hat. It's a pointy hat. It's red and pointy. I like red pointy hats. Uh, so, yeah, good, good point, that's a good point. Um, so, uh, let's see. This is a podcast, and so we're gonna be, like, doing interviews of characters. Well-known characters. Some of your favorite characters from some of your favorite podcasts. Some of your favorite podcasts about Dungeons and Dragons. Mostly, like, the live play podcasts. Because the other ones don't really have characters, per se. So, uh, yes, that's what we're gonna do. And it's a segment called Sal's Pals. Play the music, Jared. Yeah, we haven't come up with that music yet, either. Well, when are we gonna do that? We need to really get it together. Jeez, gosh, I thought you were a producer. You just came in here yesterday, yelling at me, telling me to put you on the air. Also, this isn't live. This isn't radio? No, it's podcasting. It's different. Yeah, whatever, that's fine. You know, live. Not live. I guess if it's not live, I can, like, make mistakes. Can I use profanity? Sure, if you want to. Okay, how about this? I don't know, I don't really know a whole lot of profanity. So, I guess I'll just sort of... Dragon farts! You know, because dragons. Dungeons and dragons. Yeah, sweet. Do you think Dungeons and Dragons, like, do dragons have, you know, anatomical parts? Like, if I made a joke of, like, DRAGONS! Sure, yeah, I'm sure that's really funny. I'm sure that's really funny. Shut up, dude. Maybe we should just get back to you telling them about who you are. Right, that's a good idea. And so, who am I? I am Salivarius. Obviously, Salivarius. Obviously, Salivarius the Gnome. I said it. Rock Gnome. Yep, told that joke already. So, yeah, so, I grew up in a small little community outside of a place called Golden Fields. I am from the Sword Coast. And I guess that's in, like, the Forgotten Realms or something. And then the world is called something else. And it's, like, plains and stuff. There's, like, all this other... I guess it kind of depends on what time frame we're talking about here. And I don't want to, like, nail it down too much. Because then people are going to be like, you got that wrong. This is actually blah, blah, blah, the year is blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. You know, because some of the Dragons' nerds are, like, so picky about stuff and the rules and lore and stuff. Sal, I wouldn't make fun of the Dungeons and Dragons' nerds. I'm pretty sure that's who your audience is going to be. Fine, we'll make fun of them. I can't even have any fun here. So, that's right, what I was saying was... So, yeah, so, Golden Fields. And when I was little, I kind of got bullied a lot because I was even small for, like, a gnome. And so, I started hanging out with the mice and the rats who would, like, eat the grain stores. Because Golden Fields is this, like, the breadbasket of blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, the desert and valley or something, I don't know. And so, anyways, and then it happened. I witnessed such horrible atrocities. They poisoned my friends. They poisoned all of them. And then I didn't have any friends left. And I said, I will destroy these big people and they're trapped and they're poisoned. And then I got older and I was like, I'm going to go to the city. You know, show my wild oats or whatever. Get it? It's a grain joke. Yeah, yeah, I think so. I got that. So, I went to Waterdeep, except when I got there, people weren't very nice to me there either. So, then I was like, hey, went into the sewer because that's where I saw rats at. And I was like, hey, rats, what's up? And that's where I met Reginald. Hey, Reginald, what's up? He's over there in the corner. He just waved at me. And then, so I was in the sewer for like 10 years. And that's where I met all my new friends who also are rats. And that's where I started to work on my Clockwork Universe theory. What's the Clockwork Universe theory? I saw it in a dream. I saw it in a dream. And what I saw was the universe and all these little clockwork parts all kind of whirling and clicking and spinning and rising and falling and pendulating. Pendulating. That's a cool word. And what I realized was that there are no gods acting in this world or in any of the planes. And that, you know, nature is the only true power. And that, basically, that things have been set in motion by an unknown clockmaker. This is pretty like, you know, kind of like theology or something, I guess, or like a philosophy. It might be kind of boring for some people, so I guess I'll just sort of like wrap it up or whatever. Anyways, I figured it out. I saw through the... I saw through behind the curtain of reality. And so, you know, I started working around with like mechanical elements and trying to infuse them with nature and the natural world. And so, you know, that's what I started to do. And then it was like one day I sort of stumbled upon the idea that I could run a podcast. Because, you know, everybody does that. And it's really easy. And, you know, humans... if humans can do it, I can do it. I'm a gnome and I'm smarter and more talented. That's why they call me The Talent. Right, Jared? Uh, yep. That is what they call you, The Talent. Yeah, it's just, you know, because I'm super talented. Yeah. Hey, Jared, you think that like when the universe ends and the clock kind of like winds down and stops ticking and everything, all life is, you know, at an end, what do you think it's going to look like? Um, I don't know, Sal. Wouldn't everything be gone? Well, yeah, I guess so. I guess that's probably true. I guess it really wouldn't look like anything. Because nobody has any eyes left. Because everybody's dead. Okay, so we kind of did an introduction now with like, you know, who I am, who you are. Boring, that's right. Right, listeners? That guy is totally boring. That guy is totally boring. But also, you know, like, we talked about like what we're going to do, what the purpose of the podcast is. So I guess, you know, we kind of like, you know, we riffed and that's kind of what you do in podcasts. You're like, hey, let's, you know, kind of do a little riff here, you know. And then you're like, let's bring on the first guest. Or just a guest. Or like, what's that one guy say? Something about the next guest is something or other. Are you talking about David Letterman? Yeah, David Letterman. How do you know about David Letterman? Well, I mean, because he's famous, right? I thought you were from the Sword Coast. Well, I guess some of this isn't really going to make a whole lot of sense, you know. Like, you know, maybe you just have to sort of bend reality and, you know, like, he's your dad. Maybe we should just bring on the first guest. Yes, that's correct. That's a good idea. So let's go, let's, you know, now it's time for the first official Sal's Pals. Do the theme song. All right, we really got to work on that. So who is our first guest, our first official guest for the show, for Illusions of Grandeur? Sal, you do know the thing is delusions of grandeur, right? Yes, I totally already knew that. I just was like, you know, illusion, like a school of magic or whatever. I mean, it was sort of like part of the interview process. Sal, we didn't really do an interview. You kind of just showed up and, and just started being mean to me. And you sort of showed up and started being mean to me. I mean, I don't know. You kind of just showed up and, and just started being mean to me. And you sort of showed up and started being mean to me. So who is our first guest? Actually, Sal, we're out of time. So much for mastering the Clockwork Universe. I... Shut up, Jared. I have a profound understanding of how to measure the passage of... Congratulations, you have completed your first episode of Illusions of Grandeur. This is where you would hear the outro if I didn't have such a stupid and useless producer. So I guess, since I have nothing better, I guess I'll just sort of like... Something, I'm gonna hum a song. This is the exit. I mean, the outro. Outro. Something. Something.