Part 8 - like a heartbeat, like a battle cry

Tav wakes up to find the Starian sleeping on his chest. He realizes the Starian never slept, but stayed awake to protect him. They leave the Underdark and head to Moonrise Towers. Tav holds the Starian's hand in the sunlight, relieved that the Starian doesn't burn. Tav is in love with death and worries it will be the end of him. They find Lathander's blood, a powerful weapon. Shadowheart is suspicious of it. Part VIII of A Crooked Touch, by Eyes of the Lamb Like a heartbeat, like a battle cry Tav's arm is numb, there's a weight draped over the whole left side of his body, his muscles are stiff, aching from this unusual arrangement. What's he doing on his back? Did he pass out? Is that a corpse flying on top of him? He fights back the black void of unconsciousness. He has to open his eyes, has to escape, so tired, god, so tired, but he opens his eyes. White curls, pale, scarred skin, the tip of a long, tapered ear, Tav can't remember how to breathe, it's a good thing that he doesn't need to, he very possibly will never need air again. He needs only this. The Starian, fast asleep with his cheek pillowed on Tav's chest, he hasn't shifted a muscle since Tav put him there, ear to Tav's heart, in slumber he doesn't breathe, Tav can't see him moving at all, not so different from a corpse then, but he isn't cold, not with Tav sharing his warmth all night. Never in his entire life has Tav wished so fervently that he were a powerful wizard, someone even stronger than Gale, someone who could stop time, he'd live in this moment forever, he'd stop his own heart to do it, his thrice-damned betrayer of a heart, it's beating faster now, giving him away, the Starian's ear twitches. Ah, the Starian says, good morning, his voice is perfectly tuned, and Tav knows instantly that a Starian was never asleep, of course he fucking wasn't, he's an elf and a vampire, the only time he needs to sleep is if there's truly nothing better to do, Tav's an idiot. The wave of disappointment that crashes over him is softened by the realization that a Starian stayed, even after Tav was unconscious and therefore no longer in danger, not because Tav's rhythmic heartbeat lured him into slumber, but because, actually, Tav can't think of a reason, huh, the Starian pulls away, and all Tav can do is let him go, the way his chest aches afterward is indescribable, all those mornings Tav's woken up and immediately wished he hadn't, and this is the worst one of all, but he'll always have that moment, the one when he thought a Starian was asleep, he'll hold that memory close all the way to his grave. Look at that, Tav stretches, grimacing as blood flows back into his numb arm and sets off a fiendish wave of pins and needles, made it all the way to dawn, at least I assume it's dawn somewhere. Oh, it's dawn on the surface, all right, a Starian sniffs, spend 200 years in deadly terror of the sun, and you'll learn to count the seconds until it rises, no matter where you are. So a Starian really didn't sleep all night, he didn't even trance the way Tav knows elves do, Tav gropes for his shirt and puts it on, taking his time getting the fabric over his head, the longer he can hide his face from a Starian the better, it's crushing to know that a Starian couldn't relax in his presence even for a moment, not even while Tav was asleep, he was still on guard, like always, watchful and suspicious of Tav the way he is with everyone else, waiting all those hours for dawn to arrive must have been torture. So why did he do it? Asks a faint voice in Tav's head, but Tav silences it, he can't spend all his time spinning in dizzying circles, trying to figure out why a Starian does what he does, in any case, the answer is simple, I'm grateful, a Starian had said last night, let me show you how grateful I am, Tav asked him to stay, so he did, debt paid, transaction over, did you get lost in there? A Starian asks, honestly darling, I've never seen someone so confounded by a tunic, Tav pulls his shirt down over his face, flushing hot, I'm good, somehow a Starian is already fully dressed, his hand is on the tent flap, but he pauses, looking over his shoulder at Tav, Tav braces himself for another comment, but a Starian only sighs, all soft and plaintive, like Tav is a cause, completely lost, then he slips through when he's gone, Tav sinks into his bedroll, forlorn, only to bolt up at the sound of a Starian's sinfully loud voice right outside his tent. Why, good morning, Halsin, isn't that glowing fungus particularly lovely today? Lizal, darling, you're looking a bit geeky, I do hope it's not the tadpole, now, where's Will? I believe I owe that man an apology for disturbing his well-earned beauty sleep, those horns are never going to shrivel and drop off at this rate, Tav buries his face in his hands, if there was even a shred of doubt among his companions about whether there's something going on between him and a Starian, it just evaporated like mist in sunshine, a Starian staking a claim, again, it's mortifying, and yet, gods, but he's smiling, he feels lighter than air, he touches the scabbing bite marks on his neck and chest one by one, valuable enough to keep. At last, at last, they're out of the Underdark, Tav's incandescent with relief at leaving the place behind, he'll never go back, not if he can help it, not that the Underdark isn't breathtakingly beautiful, it is, in much the same way a Starian is beautiful, a glowing tapestry of strange beasts and perilous shadows, but he bathed in so much blood down there, and Tav knows now, in the sweltering confusion of all that fighting and killing far from the light of the sun, he almost lost something precious for good, maybe he'll lose it still, in the violence that's sure to come, but maybe he won't, maybe he'll prove a Starian wrong, Nier's moon lantern was broken and they never found Shadowheart's temple of Shar, which means their whole venture into the Underdark was a waste, aside from the gnomes they saved, of course, Tav doesn't dare take his friends into the heart of the Shadowcurse without a way to protect them, so he's decided, mostly unilaterally, that they'll backtrack to the surface and take the mountain pass to Moonrise Towers, hoping to avoid the worst of the curse, another unpopular decision, but he had Lazell on his side, and a glowering Ithianki holding a massive sword does wonders to dispel arguments. Fucking yes, Arlak shouts as they spill from the stinking darkness of the Goblin Temple into the blessed daylight, hi son, I missed you, ah, it feels just like a warm hug, hugs are just as nice as I remember them, right? He'll find out soon, Tav promises her, Daemon's waiting for us in Baldur's Gate, he looks for Astarian and finds him still lingering in the temple's shadowed entrance, a pale hand shielding his eyes, Tav's heart swells with something dangerous, a horrible, foolish idea that he should be in no way entertained, but he wants this, come on Astarian, the sun's over here, his fingers slip between Astarian's, there's a look Astarian gives him, sudden and sharp, but miraculously he doesn't pull away, he lets Tav lead him by the hand into a perfect shaft of golden light pouring between two ruined pillars, heart beating fast, Tav lets him go, he doesn't want to push his luck, goodness, that's a relief, Astarian says, I'm not burning to ash on the spot, apparently we didn't misplace the tadpoles in the underdog, he turns his hand over, coolly observing the way the light plays across his skin, there isn't even the hint of a smile on his lips, it suits you, Tav says quietly, I'm sure it does, Astarian focuses on him, red eyes faintly aglow with something Tav can't place, come, my dear, before Lae'zel loses her patience and drags us to that crush of hers by our sensitive thoughts, she's been waiting so very long, right, Tav says, writing back his disappointment, no use hanging around, it aches, this constant push and pull, it wears on him, so many times he's faced the terrible temptation to use the tadpole and peer into Astarian's mind, if there are magic words he can use to convince Astarian to finally, please, for the love of all the gods, trust me, he's desperate to know them, but Tav has a hunch he wouldn't find those words in Astarian's head no matter how hard he looked, for them to exist Astarian would have had to hear them before, so he tries everything else he knows instead, it's a short list, blood, sex, those rare, rare moments when Astarian smiles at a morbid quip or clumsy play on words and Tav thinks, maybe this smile is genuine, this one right here, it won't be enough in the end, not when it all circles back to Tav and who he is at his core, the measure of him, a coward, a born killer with no stomach for blood, someone who craves oblivion and pain and makes such a massive, massive chore out of living to see each sunrise, he's still counting death and he can't stop, it's worse now, because he's in love with death and he thinks, this will be the end of him, he knows, he thinks, there's maybe the tiniest sliver of a chance that death could love him back. Oh, Tav says, that's pretty, he stares at the radiant mate suspended between delicate arcs of gold, light pours from it, bathing him and his companions in something even more pure than sunlight, no, not more pure, it is sunlight, somehow distilled and captured in the form of a weapon, Lathander's blood, Tav almost wants to laugh, Lathander, vanquisher of undead and banisher of shadows, bringer of the dawn, death's mortal enemy, that's the understatement of a century, darling, and I would know, the starry improwls in the circle around the plinth, keeping to the outskirts of the light, I dare say, my skin would peel just from looking at that thing if I weren't currently endowed with the powers of the illicit variety, Tav glances at his other companions, Lae'zel is dead silent and he can't exactly blame her, it's going to take a while to recover from the shock of personally failing her goddess and supreme leader, good thing Tav found this side passage, a chance for a breather before they have to confront everything waiting for them upstairs in the crush, shadow hearts looking at the mace of suspicion, I wouldn't touch that, she says, it was a little too easy to find, if you ask me, holy relics are usually much more well guarded or better concealed than this, Shar's holy relics may be, Tav finding it hard to tear his eyes away from the glow, but look at it, this is exactly what we need to get through the shadow curse, nothing could put out this kind of light, we'll all be safe, shadow heart says, but she doesn't elaborate, oh don't keep us in suspense, Astarian stops on the other side of the point and stares at Tav, or maybe it's the mace, Tav can't tell, but I see familiar hunger in those red eyes, the same hunger when Astarian asked him for that necromantic grimoire, take it and see what happens, I'm dying to find out, that's more than good enough for Tav, he reaches into the light and fits his hand around the mace's grip, the metal is oddly warm to the touch, just the opposite of Astarian's skin, a feeling of wrongness spikes through Tav, he almost pulls his hand back, but Astarian's watching him, Tav gives a firm tug against the invisible force holding the mace in place, then it comes free, its weight settling into his hand, his first thought is the weight is oddly familiar, even though he's only ever fought with a sword, it feels made for him, then the light flares bright, gold to blinding white and he can't see, Astarian, Tav shouts, panicked, I dare say my skin would peel just from looking at this thing, oh god, he's triggered some kind of trap, the mace didn't reach full power until he picked it up, the light pouring from it is stronger than daylight now, and even if Astarian's tadpole can protect him from the sun, maybe it can't protect him from this, Tav takes a step backward and stumbles into something warm and pulsing, a barrier, completely solid and impassable, he can't see again, it's still bright as the fires of hell, but his eyes have adjusted, he sees Astarian, Lae'zel, the shadow heart on the other side of the glowing wall of light, their mouths are moving, they must be shouting, all three of them, but Tav can't hear, he drops the mace and pounds his fist against the barrier, but it won't give, Lae'zel unsheaths her great sword, it's silent, but Tav's brain supplies the magnetic grasp of his memory and brings it down in a devastating arc, it pings off the light like throwing a pebble at the sun, the sun, the temple, Tav's brain puts it together at last, the weapon, he whirls on the spot and sees it, all of it, like he's standing on the outside of his prison, rays of golden light pouring from those crystals into the shining loop above the point where he stands, refocused into the pulsing beam that shoots through the dimensional rift and beyond, gathering power, preparing to fire, and Tav feels terror pierce his heart like never before, get out, he throws himself against the barrier, arms outstretched, pleading with every inch of his body, get out, go, shadow heart's backing away, she sees it too, Tav sees the horror on her face, comprehension, the awful moment of acceptance, she pounds La'zel on the back until La'zel stops swinging mindlessly at the barrier and falls back, shoulders heaving, her eyes wild, get out, get out, get out, shadow heart mouths something at Tav, fierce tears in her eyes, then she turns and bleeds, La'zel opens her mouth in a silent scream and follows, Tav's hands flatten against the barrier, Astarian's scarlet eyes stare back at him, Astarian's mouth is a pale white line, he looks at Tav for a moment longer, then he takes one step back, two, Tav gnaws, dizzy with relief, he's going, he's leaving, Astarian turns and sprits for the nearest crystalline pillar, there's a gap six feet wide between the platform and the pillar and no place to land, Astarian sails across, narrowly missing the beam of light and clings to the crystal's golden cage like a spider, no, Tav screams frantic, his fists are bleeding, sizzling against the barrier, Astarian just fucking go, Astarian's hands move over the pillar, a searching blur, Tav can't see his face but he knows exactly how Astarian's shoulders tense and shift when he's looking for the mechanism to flip a tumbler or disable a trigger, every motion precise, ears tilted to the faintest click, but Tav's never seen him work so quickly, it doesn't matter, there's no time, no time, four pillars and only one Astarian, Tav falls to his knees, he doesn't see the moment when Astarian gives up but when he looks up, Astarian's back on the platform, crouched on the other side of the light, his hands almost touching Tav, so close, so far, Tav sobs, the roaring is so loud he can't even hear his own voice anymore, Astarian, please, it's too late, Tav can't comprehend it, can't begin to grasp why Astarian wasn't the first to run, I'll be halfway to moonrise powers before your corpse is cold, you can count on it, this is the worst thing you could do to Tav, the final most sadistic pain he could deliver, Astarian's lips are moving, he's saying something, Tav doesn't know what it is and it doesn't matter, they're both going to die here, Astarian's going to die here and nothing will matter ever again, oh, Tav says, that's pretty, he stares at the radiant mace suspended between delicate arcs of gold, light pours from it, bathing him and his companions in something even more pure than sunlight, no, not more pure, it is sunlight somehow, distilled and captured in the form of a weapon, Lathander's blood, Tav almost wants to laugh, Lathander, vanquisher of undead and banisher of shadows, bringer of the dawn, death's mortal enemy, that's the understatement of a sentry darling, I would know, Astarian prowls in a circle around the Plymouth, keeping to the outskirts of the light, I dare say my skin would peel just from looking at that thing if I weren't currently endowed with powers of an illicit variety, Tav glances over at his other companions, Lae'zel is dead silent and he can't exactly blame her, it's going to take a while to recover from the shock of personally failing her goddess and supreme leader, good thing Tav found this side passage, a chance for a breather before they have to confront anything waiting for them upstairs in the crash, Shadowheart's looking at the mace with suspicion, I wouldn't touch that, she says, it was a little too easy to find, if you ask me, holy relics are usually much more well guarded or better concealed than this, shars holy relics maybe, Tav's finding it hard to tear his eyes away from the glow, but look at it, this is exactly what we might need to get through the shadow curse, nothing could put out this kind of light, so I'll be safe, hmm, Shadowheart says, but she doesn't elaborate, oh don't keep us in suspense, Astarion stops at the other side of the plinth and stares at Tav, or maybe at the mace, Tav can't tell, but he sees familiar hunger in those red eyes, the same hunger he saw when Astarion asked him for that necromantic grimoire, take it and see what happens, I'm dying to find out, that's more than good enough for Tav, he reaches into the light and fits his hand around the mace's grip, the metal is oddly warm to the touch, just the opposite of Astarion's skin, a feeling of wrongness spikes through Tav, he almost pulls his hand back, but Astarion's watching him, Tav gives a firm tug against the invisible force holding the mace in place and it comes free, its weight settling into his hand, his first thought is that the weight is oddly familiar, even though he's only ever fought with a sword, it feels made for him, then the light flares bright gold to blinding white and he can't see, Astarion, Tav shouts, panicked, I dare say my skin would peel just from looking at that thing, oh gods, he's triggered some kind of trap, the mace didn't reach full power until he picked it up, the light pouring from it is stronger than daylight now and even if Astarion's tadpole can protect him from the sun, maybe it can't protect him from this, Tav takes a step backward and stumbles into something warm and pulsing, a barrier, completely solid and impassable, he can see again, it's still bright as the fires of hell but his eyes have adjusted, he sees Astarion, Lae'zel and Shadowheart on the other side of the glowing wall of light, their mouths are moving, they must be shouting, all three of them, the Tav can't hear, he drops the mace and pounds his fist against the barrier but it won't give, Lae'zel unsheathes her great sword, it's silent but Tav's brain supplies the metallic rasp of memory and brings it down in a devastating arc, it pings off the light like throwing a pebble at the sun, the sun, the temple, Tav's brain puts it together at last, the weapon, he whirls on the spot and sees it, all of it, like he's standing on the outside of his prison, rays of golden light pouring from those crystals into the shining loop above the plinth where he stands, refocused into a pulsing beam that shoots through a dimensional rift and beyond, gathering power, preparing to fire and Tav feels terror pierce his heart like never before, get out, he throws himself against the barrier, arms outstretched, pleading with every inch of his body, get out, go, Shadowheart's backing away, she sees it too, Tav sees the horror on her face, comprehension, the awful moment of acceptance, she pounds Lae'zel on the back until Lae'zel stops swinging mindlessly at the barrier and falls back, shoulders heaving, her eyes wild, get out, get out, get out, Shadowheart mouths something at Tav, fierce tears in her eyes, then she turns and flees, Lae'zel opens her mouth in a silent scream and follows, Tav flattens his palms against the barrier, Asarian, scarlet eyes stare back at him, Asarian's mouth is a pale white line, he looks at Tav for a moment longer, then he takes one step back, two, Tav nods, dizzy with relief, he's going, he's leaving, Asarian turns and sprints for the nearest crystalline pillar, there's a gap six feet wide between the platform and the pillar and no place to land, Asarian sails across, narrowly missing the beam of light and clings to the crystal's golden cage like a spider, no, Tav screams frantic, his fists are bleeding, sizzling against the barrier, Asarian, just fucking go, Asarian's hands move over the pillar, a searching blur, Tav can't see his face but he knows exactly how Asarian's shoulders tense and shift when he's looking for the mechanism to flip a tumbler or disable a trigger, every motion precise, ears tilted for the faintest click, but Tav's never seen it work so quickly, it doesn't matter, there's no time, no time, four pillars and only one Asarian, Tav falls to his knees, he doesn't see the moment when Asarian gives up but when he looks up, Asarian's back on the platform, crouched on the other side of the light, his hands almost touching Tav's, so close, so far, Asarian, please, Tav sobs, the roaring is so loud he can't even hear his own voice anymore, Asarian, please, it's too late, Tav can't comprehend it, can't begin to grasp why Asarian wasn't the first to run, I'll be halfway to Moonrise Towers before your corpse is cold, you can count on it, this was the worst thing he could do to Tav, the final most sadistic pain he could deliver, Asarian's lips are moving, he's saying something, Tav doesn't know what it is, and it doesn't matter, they're both going to die here, Asarian's going to die here, and nothing will matter ever again, Asarian tears off his pack and digs through it, a scroll, he unrolls it, are his hands shaking or is Tav falling apart, and speaks the incantation, eyes flaring with violet arcane light, he vanishes, gone, Tav gasps, slumping forward until his forehead rests against the barrier, he's saved, a thousand emotions rush through him at once in a scorching flood, relief burns brightest, but there's fear too, fear for himself now that Asarian's gone, he's scared, so so scared to die, for the first time in, it's okay, he whispers, his heart is beating so fast, he wraps his arms around himself and for a split second he can feel the weight of an invisible body there in his embrace, not cold, not warm, but just the same as Tav, it's okay, it'll all be, the world collapses into light and heat, it's gone, the roaring stops, it's quiet, it's over, Tav rests, at last, at last, there is nothing, only darkness, quiet and still, this void is the safest place he's ever been, no one here to hurt him, no one for him to hurt, no blood, no teeth, or red eyes, or failure, he can stay forever, see, this won't spit him out, it welcomes him, an embrace softer than anything he's ever known, accepting every bruised part of him without judgment, Tav is no disappointment here, he's simply nothing, rise, a voice intrudes, dusty, demanding, a prize opens the void and reaches inside, searching by doom and dust, I strike thy name from the archives, rise, but Tav doesn't have to listen, that voice has power, he can just float out of his reach for as long as he needs to, he doesn't have to go just because someone's calling for him, just because someone, somewhere, might need him, he can stay, and he senses something changing here in the void, another breach, warmer and brighter than the first, a voice that speaks without words, sunlight distilled, calling Tav toward a place where it will only be morning, eternal dawn, he could go there instead, or he could stay, decisions, he never wanted to face those again, rise, the warmth of the sun, a pale hand bathed with might, a hard punishing kiss, agony inside and out, desire stronger than any Tav's felt, there's one, a star in him, a star in him, a name like a heartbeat, like a battle cry, that shatters him, he can't hold himself together, he can't stay, he has a name for where he is, death, and he's wanted this for so long, ached for it so easily, but, no, no, someone else is calling him, even if he can't hear, he'll go anywhere a star in him needs him, even if it hurts, even if it's far more bitter and painful than death, his ruins, his undying end, rise, Tav obeys, he falls to his knees in the dirt, shivering, naked, cold, every particle of him stitched back together in an instant, and it hurts, searing pain, but it fades swiftly, Tav, hands on his arms, the clumsy knock of horns against his skull as someone embraces him, leather and oil, will pulls back, rubbing his horns sheepishly, sorry about that, goths, I'm glad you're back, what took you so fucking long, soldier, Karlax crying, Tav climbs to his feet, covering himself with his hands, sorry, his mouth says before his brain can catch up, I didn't mean to, he's back in their cliffside camp, tents surround him, bright spots of color among the gray rocks, everyone's here, even Scratch, Tav fends off the dogs' ungainly jumps and wet tongue, one hand clasped awkwardly over his crotch, as if you have got anything we haven't seen before, Shadowheart says, exasperated, can someone go to his tent and get him something to wear, why is he naked, Luzelle asks, what happened to his clothes, did they burn to ash when he was incinerated, that doesn't explain what happened to his steel, bah, it matters little, oh no, Tav, Karlax hiccups, your sword, never mind that, Gale says, his voice sharp, what's this, Tav watches, too naked and overwhelmed to contribute much to this discussion, as Gale bends over to retrieve something in the dirt beside him, a mace, its bright glow muted somewhat in the daylight, stunned, Tav takes it from Gale, he gropes for words, but nothing else came back with me, it looks like someone wanted you to have that, Halson says, he's standing a little ways off, further than the rest of Tav's friends, but his gaze is intense, fixed on Tav and the weapon in his hands, he looks pensive, Tav can't stop a small shudder from passing through his body, he lets the mace hang by his side and glances around, fear lances through him, he was wrong, not everyone is here, uh, Starian, too late, god damn it, Starian waited too long to leave, he's, a weight lands on Tav's shoulders, dry warm cloth bellows into place around him, Tav recognizes the uneven stitching of his blanket, he clutches it close and turns his head, it's not that I don't appreciate the free show, Starian says, but you do look rather cold, darling, Tav chokes down a fountain of words, none of which a Starian would appreciate him saying out here in front of everyone, but he can't stop himself from drinking in the sight of him, perfect, unruffled, not a hair out of place, actually, that's wrong, for the first time and perhaps ever, Tav looks deeper and sees, on the surface of him, a Starian is flawless, granite, but that layer of stone is eggshell thin and fractured with so many cracks Tav could kick himself for not seeing it sooner, he sees it now, what's beneath those cracks is nothing like a void, whatever it is, it's alive, writhing, and so full to bursting Tav can't fathom how a Starian hasn't already come apart at the seams, maybe it's temporary, the sudden perceptive ability of Tav, maybe it's something he's gained from his brush with death, he could disappear at any moment, but now he knows and he won't forget, you should get some rest Tav, Gale urges, long pause, and perhaps someone should be with you, this is Tav's cue for a joke, a quip about how he's had enough rest for a century, or an outrageous invitation for Lae'zel to come give him a vac rub in his tent, something to put distance between himself and a Starian, so both of them can feel a little safer, lonelier, perhaps, but safer, Tav looks a Starian in the eyes and opens a vein, yeah, he says, I don't really want to be alone tonight, that's his lifeblood in the air, warm and fresh, Tav knows by now a Starian can resist the temptation with ease if he really wants to, even if he's hungry, even if he's starving, invitation received, the Starian says softly, how could I say no? You can say no, Tav says, he doesn't look at a Starian when he says it, that posthumous courage faded fast, he's still bleeding, a slow trickle from the space between them, but he's afraid to pry the wound open any further, Tav is desperate, he always has been, but he's slowly beginning to understand that his desperation works a little too well on a Starian, there's peril in getting everything he asks for, whether explicitly or implicitly, he never wants a Starian to bleed for him, unless it's by a Starian's choice and a Starian's hand, he sits under his blanket, cross-legged, gaze fixed on the stain at the end of his bedroll, the walls inside his tent rustle around him and his Starian, ruffled by the ever-howling mountain wind, others in camp have probably been grateful for the sound of that wind these past few nights, along with Tav's new habit of pitching his tent at a distance from the rest of them, that's exactly what you don't understand, the Starian says, and Tav looks up instinctively at the quiet seethe of his voice, his throat clenches, a Starian's crouched at the opposite end of his tent, as far as he can get from Tav, he looks unmoored, if he had a tail, Tav thinks, it would be flicking, let's take this thought to the spirit whose logic we usually don't, we have our little arrangement, don't we, the way that theirs usually functions as both parties continue to provide services, to be clear, the Starian fixes another cold stare, you're only useful to me alive, I realize that, Tav says, choked, and yet, you seem ever so eager to change the status quo, stop, Tav says, Tav, let me talk, to his eternal surprise, the Starian shuts up, he clenches his mouth shut and makes an unchanged gesture for Tav to speak, and Tav is so fascinated by the way a Starian's body moves that he almost forgets what he's going to say, he's never quite seen a Starian frail before, you're being even less fair than usual, Tav says, I wasn't trying to die, I didn't know that taking Lothander's blood would do, the fucking hell's a Starian, you told me you wanted to see what would happen, Starian's eyes narrow to split, Tav cries, go ahead, that's not true, Starian tucks air through his nose, another fascinating quirk, Tav wonders if a Starian manipulates his breathing this way on purpose, for effect, or if it's a leftover habit of mortality that somehow survived two centuries of undead, that's not why I'm angry with you, darling, oh, you're angry with me, I hadn't noticed, Tav shouldn't have said that, he really shouldn't have said that, in a flash, he spotlights back at the Starian he's posed over him, lips drawn back into his snarl to reveal the thin eyes of his face, eyes blazing in the dark, you took your time, the fury in Starian's voice is palatable, ages, I watched that doddering cadaver calling you over and over, rise, rise, my doom and fucking dusk, his mimicry, even now, is flawless, I'm well aware of how resurrections work, the soul had to be released, and yours wasn't, Tav can't defend himself, pleading ignorance is his only option, I can't remember what I've done my part, Starian traces a cold finger down Tav's chest, I put in the time, the sweat, you aren't deaf to take your mind, the words shiver through Tav, he's longed to hear them all this time, not like this, not with the Starian practically vibrating out of his marble skin with rage, Starian, I came back for, no, no, no, my dear, it's not your turn, Starian's finger digs into the skin below Tav's ribcage, icy and suddenly sharp, no wait, that isn't a Starian's finger, even his nails aren't that razor edged, Tav looks down, there's knife in Starian's hand, this is what you want, Starian says, for me to mock you, these teeth of mine aren't enough, are they darling, you need more, this pain you want, I'll deliver, I can give you the kind of death that doesn't stick, oblivion of the flesh, as many times as you like, Tav's too stunned to respond, he's a hair away from complete incoherence in fact, the only time he's been able to get a word in edgewise is when a Starian lets him, and the Starian certainly isn't letting him now, and God help him, he's never been so terrified and indignant and aroused all at once, oh, look at this, the Starian sounds breathless, the point of the knife traces a steady circle on Tav's chest, have you been thinking this thought for me, love, I could fit something I should think, perhaps a name, heat floods through Tav's body, his breathing quickens, he has a thick feeling that a Starian's never done this before, this isn't my kind of play, certainly a Starian is no stranger to sinking his blades into the flesh, but he hasn't practiced the shallow cut, the pleasure cut, he'll kill Tav all over again if he isn't careful, hells, Tav's heart has gone it just from that thought alone, don't tease, Tav thinks raggedly, it isn't nice, with a snarl the Starian cuts him, Tav cries out, the discipline kicks in, and he holds perfectly still, he knows from practice, thank you Icarius, that this is not a moment for careless writhing, you don't come to me for nice, or kind, or gentle, but he can be gentle, Tav knows, it's in there, buried not so very deep after all, like a child tossing his toys under the bed and pretending his room is clean, a Starian's only survived all this time because no one ever looked under the mattress, Tav grits his teeth and breathes, I don't come to you for anything but you, what a wicked liar you are, the next stroke of the knife is slower but it lasts longer, it sets off a brilliant burn that creeps through Tav's body like wildfire, he can smell his own blood now, feel it trickling warm and wet down his ribs, a Starian's eyes are black, so black, only because, a Starian shifts his weight and Tav loses it for a second, throwing all his strength and willpower into remaining completely still, the juncture of a Starian's leg presses down on Tav's throbbing cock, a wholly different kind of pain that fuels Tav's breath, he can't tell if a Starian's hard or not, can't feel it, he doesn't dare lift his head to look, only because Tav pants once he's under control, you conveniently can't hear me but I'm telling you the truth, the only truth you've ever told is in your blood darling, I can hear it every time I taste you, this fanatical obsession with death, to be perfectly honest, I'm sick of choking it down, it's grown tiresome and stale, those words were cut deeper than the blade carving through Tav's flesh, if he didn't know better, now he's lying through his fangs, a Starian makes a choked sound, insolent little beast, the blade digs in, Tav bites back to scream, he's fast approaching some kind of physical limit, Icarus never lost control like this, never cut him to the quick like this, and Tav can only take so much without a reprieve, Starian, he says, his voice fluttering with fear and need, you're killing me, wait, don't touch his weight, for a second he thinks the Starian isn't going to listen, the tip of the knife is burrowed in a furrow in Tav's flesh, a hot little nucleus of pain, the muscle in the Starian's throat quiver, his eyes are fixed on Tav's bloody chest, Starian, look at me, with a shudder that makes the knife dig deeper, the Starian looks at him in the eye, it's my heart under there, Tav says, he's drenched in sweat and his nails are diggering into his palm, but he's still, as long as the Starian's hand doesn't move, Tav won't move, the truth, you spent the whole night listening to it beat, you don't want to make it stop, do you, not if you won't come back, Starian says, Tav can't believe his ears, some kind of miracle, somehow he's got a fishing line cast down into the deepest darkest parts of the Starian, and he's pulling up things he's never seen before, buried, honest, raw things, things that bite, I want to, Tav reads, I did, but it wasn't easy, I don't know if I can do it again, what would you have done, what would any of us have done if you didn't, keep going, keep fighting, don't stop, not for me, darling, Starian whispers, and Tav can see him coming back, on the verge of spitting out the fishhooks and slamming those walls back into place, we're all just waiting to kill each other the second you've gone for good, the Cleric and the Githyanki, the Demon and the Demon Hunter, Gale and, well, Gale, I don't believe that, maybe things were like that to start, but not for a long time now, does the Starian really not see that, is it not just Tav's love he's blind to, but everyone else's, no one can stomach a parasite, Starian says, no one but a fool who loves punishment, I'll be out faster than these tadpoles once you're gone, Tav wants to weep, maybe he is weeping, he just can't feel it, the pain in his chest is blinding, and it goes far deeper than the tip of the knife in a Starian's hand, that's exactly what you don't understand, all that time you spend watching people, and you still don't know how they really feel, the Starian's silent, motionless, Tav prays his words are finding purchase, but the window of opportunity hasn't already closed, all he can do is pray, and bleed, he's good at that, the Starian, you can finish what you started, just be careful, the Starian looks down at his blood-soaked hand like he's forgotten what he was doing, he runs his tongue over his lips transfixed, then he glances at Tav's face again, this is what you want, to be his, to bleed for him, to hold him close right over Tav's heart forever, yes, a Starian's hand lifts and the blade comes free of Tav's flesh for the first time in minutes, you're hurting, love, yes, I've hardly begun, there's five more letters to go, Tav takes a long deep breath, I want them all, every last one, when it's done, the last rune carved onto Tav's breast, the Starian throws the knife down and falls over Tav on all fours, his chest is heating, there's a wild look in his eyes like he's just run for miles, Tav, come back, Tav can hardly hear him, he's down too deep, floating in the bliss that follows in the wake of pain, oblivion of the flesh, that's exactly it, it's no welcoming of this, no promise of eternal dawn, but it's death of a kind and by the gods, it's good, it's good, come back to me, Tav opens his mouth and blurs, stream like, here, and never left, what a wonder you are, the Starian's bare hand traces him, impossibly soft and warm, after nothing but the cold kiss of steel for so long, I don't believe there's any else like you, my dear, you're the very last of your kind, the Starian's lips move for what feels like ages before he manages to make it sound flatter, he searches for strength to lift his arm and finds it, his fingers cut the Starian's cheek and both of them fall still, Tav's had his hands and his mouth on the Starian's crotch and his tongue between the Starian's teeth, but this is somehow the most intimate way he's ever touched him, you like the way I taste, Tav says, obsession with death and all, yes darling, not my best lie, I'll admit, Tav guides him down to the fresh ruin of his chest, so don't wait, the Starian doesn't need any further convincing, he sets to the task with a quiet moan, his tongue wet and soft, moving tenderly across the battlefield he made of Tav's flesh, he never touches Tav with his teeth, but Tav squirms with a hundred little stings all the same, his wounds are so fresh, with all the attention Tav's crotch is stirring back to life, he once doesn't want a Starian to do anything about it, there was something sacred in those long minutes when a Starian was wholly absorbed in marking him, taking such obvious pleasure with every gasp and whimper Tav made, every breathless word of praise, every plea for him not to stop, Tav truly doesn't need anything else, but once the Starian's done bathing his wounds, he shifts down without a word and runs his tongue along the whole straining length of Tav's cock, like it's another weeping cut to cleanse, and Tav can't deny him, he's drunk too deeply of pleasure tonight to turn down one last drop, the Starian, finally he can arc his back and rise to his heart's content without courting death, god he's so good, the Starian's hands curl over Tav's hips, holding him down, careful little love, you're still bleeding, little love, that's a new one, and Tav finds that it doesn't hurt much at all anymore to hear that word from the Starian's lips, he's learned the shape of this pain now, and even in this he can find a kind of pleasure, the Starian might not love him, but he stayed, and that was enough for Tav to come back, so good, Tav's heart is racing, pounding with renewed vigor, he strains against the Starian's grip, trusting the Starian to hold him still, to keep him safe, uh, the Starian, I'm almost, the Starian's lips caress his entire length from root to tip, slick with blood, and Tav's free flowing desire, Tav can't find words anymore, he just paints for breath, keening on every exhale, losing himself to the ecstasy, he's already been shattered to pieces, and there's no holding himself together, not tonight, he's gone, he's lost, a Starian drinks him down, his tongue working in hypnotic maddening circles, until Tav's gasping and sobbing, and completely overstimulated, it's all he can take, he has nothing left, no more blood or spin to give, and with that realization comes a dull flash of fear, what has he done, he lost, completely lost, the Starian has him entire, and there's no telling what he'll do, please, Tav doesn't even know what he's begging for, trembling, the Starian pulls himself along Tav's bent body and kisses him, he knew, Tav melts into him, liquid with relief, he knew what Tav needed, he can taste himself in a Starian's tongue, part of what he lost returned to him, but the rest is a Starian's heat, the ragged circle of elvish script carved over Tav's heart is proof of that, exhaustion washes over Tav, he's utterly drained, he uses all the strength he has to press the Starian closer, and then he feels it, a Starian's hardness nudging into his belly, a reminder that Tav has been neglecting him, the Starian, Tav whispers, sliding his hand down, he can find it in him to do this, no matter what shape he's in, let me take care of you, the Starian catches his wrist, I don't, his voice is hesitant, unsure, like he's trying something for the first time, I don't want that, not tonight, somehow, Tav isn't disappointed, far from it, he feels the rush of warmth, just like sunlight, and he brings the Starian's lips back to him with a sigh of pleasure, I love you, it's there in every beat of his heart, every gush of his blood, the Starian doesn't know how to listen for it, not yet, I love you, every night since Grimforge, he's wrestled down the temptation to ask a Starian to stay until morning, he doesn't want the Starian to go through that again, those endless hours of waiting, unable to rest, chained to Tav until dawn by a promise, he's so careful not to hold the Starian too tightly after, asking with his body is just the same as asking with his words, Tav knows that now, but tonight is different, the Starian is the one holding tight, showing no signs of wanting to let go, he's got one hand cupped over the fresh wounds on Tav's chest, and his body pressed close and flush, not a single gap between them, it still feels to Tav like a Starian's waiting for someone to take him away, but it also feels like maybe a Starian wouldn't give him up without the fight, Tav nestles his chin into a Starian's hair, broken beyond repair, he's hurting, of course he's hurting, he'll be hard to sleep like this, he should probably dig through his pack for a potion to take the cutting edge off of the pain, he will in a moment, thank you for bringing me back, the Starian's long fingers trace an arc that barely skims the edge of Tav's scars, Tav's reminded of the way he circled the planet under their monastery, keeping just out of the light, I'm not done with you yet, slowly the Starian's fingers fall still, not for a while longer, I'm afraid, Tav exhales long, steady, content, good.