The aliens

The speaker addresses the idea that aliens built historical structures like the pyramids, Inca fortress, Nazca Lines, Egyptian pyramids, and Stonehenge. They argue that humans were capable of building these structures without alien intervention due to their engineering skills and cultural knowledge. They provide explanations for how each structure was likely built by humans and dismiss the idea of alien involvement. All right, all my cats and kittens, it's your mama. I am here to talk to you about history. Now my little denizens of the trailer park, they like to leave me messages and ask me things. Like, Miss Cat, why did the aliens build the pyramids? Now I've been scratching my head over that one because it's just not true for one thing. But since y'all want to know, I am going to be the inquiring mind that'll help you see through the bull hunky doo doo. All right? So first up on our list of things attributed to the aliens, which I got to take a side bar here with y'all, okay? All right, kids, listen. You're an alien, right? You're from the planet Bob, and as you Bobbites are out there driving your spaceship, which is way better than anything we got going on down here, because you would have to have interstellar space travel. When you watch the movies, they explain it by calling it hyperspace or whatever and all the stars blur and Captain Picard goes, engage, and we all zoop, you're gone. We don't have that. If we wanted to leave our galaxy or heck, even our solar system, it takes like seven years to get to Mars. So you're this alien from the planet Bob, you're driving your spaceship around, you've got the missus and the kids with you, and you see this blue planet and you're like, hey, we should check out this blue planet. And you know, the kids are like, oh man, we're going to pull over at another one of these, you know, hokey kind of rest stop museum things. And you know, Bob's like, no, man, we just got to see what's going on. So they come into our atmosphere and at this point, we're civilized, but I mean, we don't have electricity, indoor plumbing, you hear what I'm saying? So the aliens are supposed to say to themselves, we got to help these people build pyramids and stuff. I mean, what would be the point? You know, the aliens would hit through the atmosphere, they get an eyeful of what we got going on down here during that time period. And Mrs. Alien would be locked doors, lock them, lock up kids, we're getting out of here. They primitive. So that's just my my understanding of aliens. Now, any of y'all have met an alien, you let me know if there's anything different. But to my mind, aliens don't got time for all that. But our first candidate that the aliens built it is the old Inca capital of Cusco. And this fortress is in the Peruvian Andes. And it's got this really long name. And y'all know, I'm not good with the names. It's spelled S-A-C-S-A-Y-H-U-A-M-A-N, Sakamaham, okay, I don't know. But it's built from these enormous stones that have been chiseled and stuck together like a jigsaw puzzle. And the aliens must have done it. They say the aliens done it because 360 tons are these rocks, which were carried more than 20 miles and lifted and fit into place with precision. Okay, now, hang on to this. It's big and heavy. So aliens had to do it. Because we're going to be hearing this again later on. And so they say, well, how does this ancient culture accomplish a feat of engineering? You know, how did they do that? They couldn't have done that. You know, they didn't even domesticate or have like, you know, carts with wheels. They just had llamas and alpacas and stuff. And you know, they couldn't have done it. Well, here's the thing, folks. Why not? I mean, just because they're in South America and Mexico, and they want to devote years of their life dragging these rocks and doing what they're doing. I mean, why not? I think sometimes we want to say the aliens did it because we don't want to have faith in humanity that, you know, even though we hadn't quite figured out the whole indoor toilets, we sure as heck figured out how to stack the blocks. And here's the thing. We don't have the OSHA reports. We don't know how many of them poor little Peruvians got squished, you know, when the rock got off the pulley system or, you know, I'm sure there was a lot of things that happened on the way to building this thing. But to attribute it to aliens, I'm sorry, I'm not buying it. Now, the other candidate we have for the aliens did it is the Nazca Lines. Now, the Nazca Lines are really, really cool. I've seen pictures. And on this high, dry plateau 200 miles southeast of Lima, there are more than 800 long, straight white lines that stretch into the Peruvian desert, seemingly at random. And joining the lines are 300 geometric shapes and 70 figures of animals, including a spider, a monkey, and a hummingbird. Now, one of the reasons why they're so sure that the aliens must have did it was because they're saying that you can only really see the picture if you're up in the air. Okay. And the fact that they would have had to lay out these ginormous pictures having only the equivalent of, you know, string, rocks, you know, straight stick, they just say that, you know, there's just no way humans could have done this without being able to fly. Well, on this one, kids, we got an answer. Turns out that these geoglyphs, ignatic designs made by removing the top rust-colored layer of rocks exposing the brighter white sand beneath, they were first studied in 1900. And at first, they said it was aligned to the constellations or solstices. Now, we just had a solstice yesterday, if you're listening, because, you know, yesterday was December 21st. So solstices are just when you have like the shortest day of the year, the longest day of the year, they come around and the ancient peoples marked time with them. You know, kind of like we have a calendar on the wall, they had a solstice. So recent work suggests that the Nazca lines point to ceremonial or ritual sites related to water, fertility. In addition to being seen from the air, guess what? You can see the shapes from the surrounding foothills. So we are going to call that one solved, because you don't need to be in a helicopter or spaceship to see them. Next up on our list of the aliens done did that, Egyptian pyramids. Now, the Egyptian pyramids were built more than 4,500 years ago and they are monumental tombs of ancient queens and pharaohs, okay? Now, just like earlier, the reason why we think the aliens did it is because the stones weighing at least 2 tons were precisely hewn and stuck into place. And even with today's cranes and other construction equipment, building a pyramid as big as the one of Pharaoh Khufu would be a formidable challenge. Well, yeah, that's a lot of rocks. And then there's the astronomical, all right, you all know me by now. I am not good with these Big Jeopardy words, but it's A-S-T-R-O-N-O-M-I-C-A-L. And if one of y'all want to come educate me on how to say that properly, your mama cat can always learn. I am an old dog, but give me that new trick. Anyways, so, there's these pyramids that align with the stars in Orion's belt. You remember Orion. I told you all about, look for the three stars, it's his belt, and it's the guy in the sky, and he's got a club, okay, good job, you all are remembering. Alien theorists point to the fact that these three pyramids are in way better shape than the ones built a century later, okay, so, the aliens did it. Now, here's the thing, civilizations, they bob up at the top, they level off, and they bob down, and then they kind of crash and fail. So, when it comes to the pyramids and preserving them and everything in Egypt, you can see earlier ones than the ones that is on all the tourist stuff. And they really, they look rough, you know, they're missing bricks, they look like basically a mud brick lump out in the desert. Now, these pyramids in Giza are in exceptionally good shape because they were, one, built out where you could see them, so preservation efforts were, you know, better. And two, they quit building the dumb things out in the middle of the desert and started going to the Valley of the Kings because they got really tired of everybody and their mom breaking into these places, looting the crap out of them, and roughing up their pharaohs. So, that's why later additions, you know, aren't in these big, nice pyramids sitting out in the middle of the desert, you know, they're in this elaborate tomb system carved into rock in the Valley of the Kings. So, no aliens. Stonehenge, this one makes my little heart go pitter-pat because this has to deal with the Celtic people and Britain and all this good stuff, which I should side note, remind you all, that when somebody says Celtic, that is an umbrella term for several waves of people who came in and ended up staying in the British Isles, okay? Now, as the Romans showed up and everybody else decided to go camp there, the most of the old language, the Gaelic or Irish or Scottish, remained in pockets of Scotland and in Ireland. Britain, because everybody and their mom kept landing a boat there, if it wasn't, you know, the Saxons having to deal with the Normans and then the Vikings, you know what I'm saying? Everybody wanted to come there, so when you hear Celtic, I just want you all to realize that at the point of Stonehenge, Britain was not a unified country. It was a lot of different tribes and Celts could be anything from people from Gaul to Picts running down out of Scotland, even though they had their own language and were Pictish, they get lumped in there and just keep in mind that at this point, everybody's squatting on their own piece of dirt and they have a concept of astronomy, okay? So Stonehenge is the circle of stones weighing as much as 50 tons and it sits in the English countryside outside of Salisbury, okay? Now Salisbury, you should remember because you caught me singing when I was first moving in that Peter Gabriel song up on Salisbury Hill, I had to explain all that, remember? Yeah, I thought you did. So people, once again, because this is a Neolithic monument, they thought that it was impossible to get these stones hundreds of miles away from their home, these guys are, you know, they're not in the Iron Age yet, okay? And how are they doing this? Well, this Eric Von Daken suggested that Stonehenge is a model of the solar system that functioned as an alien landing pad. Alright, going back to the Bobbites. So you're a Bobbite, right, and there's all this flat dirt in various places around this beautiful blue world you found. What would inspire you to say, we ought to build ourselves a landing pad because we're so advanced, we wouldn't have put wheels on the bottom of this thing or struts or anything? No, that's just crazy. And then when it says, you know, that it was, you know, astronomy or whatever to align with the stars so they could find their way around. I'm so sorry, but a pile of rocks, come on now, these people have interstellar travel. Why? So, I'm sorry, but Elric Von Daken, no. So the meaning of Stonehenge is actually possible to be built using technologies that would have been around 5,000 years ago, which means that, you know how I tell you about my crazy hobby where I like to go out and recreate history on the weekend? They've actually sent some professors, students, and people to try and get one of these big old stones up in the air. And guess what? They could do it with a lot of manpower, ropes, and a big hole. So, the stones are aligned with the solstices and eclipses, which suggests that the Stonehenge builders were keeping an eye on the heavens. So they're just saying that, okay, this isn't so the aliens can navigate or park their VW. No. This is so that these people who were realizing that the planetary movement and stars mean something and that you can actually plan out your crops, you can plan out religious ceremonies by this calendar in the sky. They teach themselves, hey, you know, X, Y, and Z happens every time this goes on. So yeah, humans, three, aliens, zero. Now the next one is an ancient city in Mexico, and it's Teotihuacan, and it's a pyramid temple with the astronomical alignments built 2,000 years ago, and again, age, size, and complexity means that the aliens had to have done this. Not the people living there, oh heavens no. We wouldn't want to ascribe to the indigenous people that they could figure out how to work rope and, you know, levees and things like that, no, no. So the Mexicultures, which were Maya, Zapotec, and Mexic built a city that could house more than 100,000 people with murals, tools, transportation systems, and advanced agricultural practices. Yeah, the aliens aren't going to care about us growing our veggies, okay? Chances are the aliens might be debating if we go good with ketchup. So when we look at the massive pyramid of the sun, which is one of the largest constructions in the western hemisphere, it's alignment is believed to be on calendar centric waves of time. They start figuring out that when the moon's this big and then the sun's over here, pretty soon we're going to be getting chilly and you can't plant stuff. Ta-da! Now Easter Island, that's where the big heads are, okay? So they're called Moai and it's a bunch of large stone figures and you have to have seen them because I've seen them in like cartoons and memes and all kinds of stuff where it's these big figures and they've got a big nose and a big chin and they look like they're sticking their head up out of the earth. So how did the Rapatui make the figures a thousand years ago and how did the Moai end up on Easter Island? Well 900 human figures are sprinkled along the flanks of the island's extinct volcanoes and they are 13 feet tall and weigh 14 tons and appear to be chiseled from the soft volcanic turf around the Ranoreku Quarry. These statues, to which 400 are still in various states of construction, with some completed waiting for transportation to their resting place. So they found the workshop, basically. The reasons for carving the Moai are mysterious, we don't know why. They were most likely sculpted for religious or ritual reasons and the stone crafting Rapatui, the leading theory suggests that the civilization succumbed to an environmental disaster of their own making which prevented them from finishing and ancient aliens didn't have anything to do with it. They burnt everything, ate everything, it wasn't that big of an isle. Next is the face on Mars. Now this last one is one that when I was a kid I had my aunt and my aunt was all up into aliens and Elvis sightings and she told me about the face on Mars and I was as young as y'all. I was laying awake nights, I was like, oh my god, there's Martians for real real and they're, you know, they're going to come eat me or whatever. Nope. What the face is, is it is a picture that NASA's Viking 1 in 1976 took a picture and the shadows on the rock formation create the illusion of a human face because human beings are keyed into faces. So when we see anything resembling a face, we immediately lock on to that image. Now the face is two miles long and is in the region called Solandia which separates the smooth plains of the Martian north with the cratered terrain of the south. The face is shadow play. People who believe in aliens really want to believe that this is a carved in, a carved in place holder, like the aliens are going, hey we were here, look at our face and, you know, again, aliens have got interstellar travel? Why in the blue blazes do they want to carve their face in something? Like, I mean, who really cares? You know, at that point in our time, you know, we were like crawling around trying to figure out how to bang rocks together and, you know, and aliens are going to be like, hey, there's these primitive people down there that's kind of getting their stuff together, let's put a big ol' face on Mars so that in a thousand years when they can kind of see what's going on, then they'll see our big ol' alien face and they'll know it was us. Nah, I don't think so. So you guys, from here on out and anybody else listening, alien conspiracy theories are fun. I'm not going to lie. I get a crack up when I see the guy with the messy hair from the history channel going on at length about aliens because it's like that joke where it used to be those movies in the 1940s, everything was the butler did it, you know, and melodramatic music, the aliens did it. So take everything with a grain of salt, guys. When somebody tells you extraterrestrials have made stuff, I want you to remember that the reverse of what they're saying is that your ancestors, the people who were in those locations were not bright enough to figure out how to do it, it had to be aliens. So just use your thinking skills, okay guys? Well yo mama cat has got to shuffle off and do a few things, but before I go, we've got to hear from our sponsors. And today's sponsor is the ancient culture of Sumeria. Yes, this culture gave us the story that lives on and on about a wild man named Enkidu. And Enkidu is happened upon by Gilgamesh, and Gilgamesh is looking for immortality, but he finds his best friend, Enkidu, and Enkidu is wild, he is barely human, but Enkidu through the friendship of Gilgamesh and a few other things that I'll enlighten you to in about 10 years, he becomes more human and a friend to Gilgamesh, and while Gilgamesh ends up losing his bestie and learning a huge lesson about immortality and mortality and the why of things, our sponsor would like to let you know that if you happen upon a wild man, there is only one piece of advice, give up your backpack, your lunch, and run. That's it everybody, have a wonderful, wonderful day.