Religion v Relationship

The speaker discusses their decision to adopt a mindset that every day is a good day in order to combat negative emotions and fear. They explain that negative emotions stem from fear and the need to protect oneself. They reflect on their own experiences, including being cheated on and mistreated in the military, which led them to be defensive and have trust issues. They emphasize the importance of having friends as a relief valve and the negative effects of not having a support system. They also discuss the difficulties of asking for help and the fear of being let down. Overall, they recognize the need to change their thinking and mindset in order to have a more positive and fulfilling life. Hello, hello, hello, and welcome to the new season podcast, where every day is a good day. Hey y'all, welcome back, and we have some things to talk about. Okay, so last week, we spoke about adopting the mindset that every day is a good day, which it is, it really is. But why did I decide to adopt that mindset? And how did I even get here? So I decided to adopt this mindset because y'all, I'm tired. Okay, I am tired of being sad and angry and depressed and just out of control. And I am afraid. I really sat down and thought about it. And I realized that all negative emotions stem from fear. You are protecting yourself from something, you don't want something to happen to you. And then you go into defense mode. And your defense mode is going to either bring up anger, sadness, anxiousness, something's going to come about, and it's all to protect you. Because remember, we are designed like our minds are designed to protect us to keep us safe. Like we are constantly looking for danger. Without even looking in that direction, your body is sensing it has different sensors. And this is the reason why you know someone's looking at you without looking at them. You know how you just feel like someone is looking at me, you look at that person is looking at you. It's a sensor, right? That that part of your body wants to keep you safe. The thing is, we tell that part of our body that we tell our brains what is safe and what is not safe. It gets this information from us. So for example, when you're your parents, your parents taught you how to look left and right and left again. Why? Because out of fear of you getting hit by a car, okay, they instill that fear you don't get hit by a car. Amazing, amazing lesson. But you want to protect yourself. Your parents, you know, they teach you not to eat a whole bunch of candy and sweets and sugar all the time. Why? Because it's going to prevent you from being being sick. Okay, so it's a fear to to prevent that. And then from my own experiences, I can say from being cheated on, I taught myself, hey, if a guy becomes argumentative, very distant, he stopped answering like very simple questions, and he has less and less time for me. This person is probably cheating on me or something, right? Because I've experienced that. So I taught myself to look for those dangers. Or let's say someone is, they want to move out of their hometown, but they are afraid to do so. They have taught themselves, the reason why I don't want to move out of my hometown is because I won't have my family anymore. I'll be all by myself. No, it's probably very expensive. And what if I don't find a job? So now, anytime someone talks to them about, hey, you think about moving? No, I don't want to move. Why? Because you are a fear, you are afraid of things that could happen. You taught yourself that's a fearful thing. But I know is that a lot of my fear came from people, because I have been burned so many times. And just seeing people lying and deceiving other people, that does a lot. At least it did a lot to me. Like I literally saw people mistreat other people. And the ones who are doing the mistreating were higher, they have the authority to do things, you know, not the authority to hurt you, but they, they, they're the military. I'm trying to make it sound a lot more sweeter than this. But in the military, my experience was a lot of higher ranking people did things to the lower ranking people, just because they have the power to do so. And that rocked my mental. Okay, which is one of the reasons why I got out the military. Because it taught me that I can't trust anyone. It taught me that if I ask for something, stand by for a negative intention, or some type of attachment, or condition attached to this helping hand, right, I found myself in situations where I had no one to talk to, because I was afraid that if I say something, even if it was to help me, if I if I asked for your help, if I say something, you're gonna take the information and use it against me. And what they do, that put me in defense mode all the time. Like, every waking moment, I am defensive, because I don't want you to hurt me. Whoo. I just told y'all a lot. I feel like I'm in therapy right now. A lot of my shit. But that's that's how I felt. And that is so tiring. It's so tiring. I got out the military. But I brought my thinking thinking with me. Okay, now that thinking thinking helped me as far as protecting me in some sense while I was in the military. But now I'm in a whole new environment. I'm no longer there. But my mindset is still the same, which means I'm gonna still have the same issues no matter where I go. Okay. And it's like, for example, you know, you can wash your clothes, get you some game, get you some organic, whatever detergent or whatnot, clothes smelling all nice and fresh and clean. But if you have not taken a shower, okay, your butt stinks, okay, and you try to put on some clothes, some freshly washed clothes, you're still going to stink. Okay, so you gotta make a change as far as getting in the shower. So that way you don't stink. The detergent can only do so much. And this reminds me of a person, multiple people actually that was in the military. But this reminds me of one person I know, like y'all it was it was vile. Okay, to the point where I would literally spray his jacket with Febreze. And Oh, man, and that didn't even work either. Oh my gosh, it was horrible. But that's a side note. That's a memory that will always be with me, but it was horrible. Okay, to the point. So I had to change my thinking, I had to change my mindset, I had to go back and teach myself what was fearful what was fearful and or what was a threat and what is not a threat. I have to go back and say, Hey, let's stop looking at things as personal attacks. And let's look at things as lessons learned. Because being on defense, it kept me safe to a degree. At least they felt I felt safe. It kept me safe. But it also kept me distant. Where being 30 years old, and not having friends. It's not a good thing that I don't care who you are. You were adding our friends, you are lying. Okay, you are lying to yourself. And of course, the more you lie to yourself, the more you believe it. But it's still a lie. And the reason why it's a lie. And the reason you need friends is because you need a relief valve, valve, okay, you need a relief valve. I remember in the military, I'm not an engineer, but it made sense to me. And I was taught by the engineers that, hey, this system needs release, it needs to blow off some steam, literally. Because if all the pressure continues to build, and it doesn't have any release, we're going to have a bomb, it's going to become its own bomb within the ship. Same thing as us, guys. If you don't have anyone to go and talk to, get some things off your chest, someone to just go and rant to just someone just it doesn't even have to be a conversation. Just being with someone is a relief valve. Okay, just having that person there is some sort of relief. If you don't have that, you're going to do one of two things, explode, or implode. You're going to explode and hit everybody around you. Or you're going to implode and kill yourself slowly. One of two things. I remember I dated this guy. And I either asked him, I said, Hey, you know, outside of me, who, who do you have friends? He said, No. Okay, red flag. Do you have like anyone that you can talk to? For like, situational? You have questions, you need advice, you know, really relationship, there's gonna be things that pop about come about that we don't understand. Do you have anyone to guide you and give you advice on how to navigate our relationship? He said, No, red flag. Okay. That's not good. It's also not good to not have friends because now you're just leaning on your own understanding. Because you don't know everything. You know, we don't know everything you may think you do, but you don't. And so not having friends and not having someone to talk to that means I'm just, I am teaching myself. I am my own teacher. Right. And also, you know, Solomon, in the book of Proverbs, he just says, like, your friends are closer than a brother. Your friend becomes closer than your brother. Now me and my brother tight. Okay, me and Deon, shoot, let me tell you two peas in a pod. But I also know that I need friends outside of him because Deon does not know everything. If you don't know Deon, Deon is my little brother. My little, that's my home dog right there. Okay. So I still need homegirls. I need a sister. Okay, I need some friends. So bottom line is, with that distant thinking or that with that defensive thinking that I had, I've always on defense. I didn't, I didn't have friends. So no friends, no community. No, you know, it's also going to block my opportunities in other areas of my life because I think everyone's out to get me because I'm always on defense. So here is 360. This is how it all comes back to me, right? Because with my defensive thinking, I don't want to ask anyone for help. Family or friends, I'm not going to ask you for help. If I need something, I'm going to just figure it out myself. I will rather suffer in pain and silence than ask you for help. Not saying that you won't help me. But because I don't want you to hurt me or I don't want you to fail me because I've asked for help multiple times and the help was either, it had a condition attached to it or that person was unable to help me. Okay. And that person being unable to help me felt like a failure. Like you failed me again. So I was like, Hey, if I want it done right, I might as well do it myself. Now, when I'm unable to do it myself, because I'm a fixer, I'm a fixer. I know how to take care of things. I know how to solve things. It's been working for me all this time. But now when it gets to the point where my working car is not working anymore, I'm now failing myself. And because I'm failing myself, I'm saying things to myself like, Oh my God, Brianna, what are you doing? You are incompetent. You are, you know, you're stupid. You know what you're doing? Get it together. Let's go. You're failing. Like everything around you is going downhill. What is wrong with me? Like, why can I not figure this out? I'm putting everything now on me. Whew, toxic, I know. But it's the 360s. You see it like, I don't want to trust you. And because I don't trust you, I have to trust myself and everything. And because I'm trusting myself and everything, I'm failing myself. And it was tiring. It was tiring. And because I'm failing myself every day is horrible. It is a horrible, horrible day. So can we both agree? Something has to change. I had to change my ideas, change my mind, that every day is really a good day. And how did I get here? I, there's so many things I can tell you, and I'm going to tell you, but the number one thing I had to do was change my identity. We all have one. The question is, though, what is your identity anchored in? And identity means what you believe about you. Simple. What do you believe about yourself, that identity? The issues I found was, I anchored my identity in other people and in other things and in myself. I anchored my identity with people as far as my job in the military. My identity was I was a Navy sailor. My identity was I worked, you know, I was a navigator. I was really good at my job. I'm really good at multitasking. I'm really good at, you know, leading people. I'm really good at those things dealing with military, but the moment I got out the military, did that mean that I'm no longer good at those things? Does that mean that I'm no longer good at leading people? Does it mean that I'm no longer good at multitasking, at problem solving? Does it mean that I'm no longer good because my job changed? Hmm. You see where I'm going with this? So also I put my relationship, my identity in a relationship that it was anchored there. And in that relationship, you know, I'm thinking highly of myself, but the moment the relationship ended, I'm now thinking low of myself, lowly of myself. Does it make sense? I'm thinking negatively about myself now. Just because I got out the relationship, does that change who I am? No, it doesn't. Okay. Okay. I went into this business and my business flopped for different reasons. Does that mean that, does that mean that I'm less than when I had the business? Did the business make Breonna or did Breonna make the business? Did the Navy sailor make Breonna or was that who I was to begin with? You get what I'm saying? And I've also noticed that different titles. So if you are a mom, a lot of moms, and I'm not a mom, but this is what I've learned from different people just having conversations. Moms attach their identity to being mom, not being the individual. Let's say I'm a mom. I'm going to attach myself to being the mom. That's my identity, not Breonna. But Breonna makes the mom. The mom did not make Breonna. Breonna was Breonna before she became a mom. Okay, I get married. For you married couples out there. You know, we you guys attach yourself, your identities to the marriage. Oh, I'm a wife. That's who I am. No, that's your title. That's your title. You were Breonna before you became a wife. Okay, you were a husband before you became Brian or you were Brian before you became a husband. Okay. So if you're a teacher, or any type of occupation, if you are even a sister, okay, Dia is my little brother. Yeah. But sister is a title. Breonna makes the sister because who is Breonna? Right? So I say that in, I say that to say this, when it comes to your identity, what do you have your identity anchored in? Because when we attach it to things and people, we are allowing those things to tell us who we are. So the question of who am I was really hard to answer. Why? Because I am relying on all these things and all these people to tell me who I am. And I'm even relying on myself to tell me who I am asking myself, Who am I? First of all, Brianna, who are you asking? You're asking yourself. And apparently you don't know the answer. And apparently you're trying to live on your own understanding to ask the question and you keep having to ask it over and over and over again, because you don't have the answer. And then stop with me. You're asking the wrong person. You're asking the creation, who the creation is, when you should be asking the creator. Because the creator is who created the creation. You're asking your job, you're asking your friends, your people, your family, your relationships, you're asking everyone else outside of you, the creation, those things that are always changing, those things who will always have different opinions, like everyone has different opinions. Who are you supposed to pick? Who are you supposed to choose? Who are you supposed to rely on to identify you? Okay, you're asking things that are fleeting, things that you're asking people who don't know themselves. Who are you? Whoa, danger, danger, danger. Okay, this is dangerous. Because now you keep having to ask yourself, who am I? Like, oh my God. So instead of you asking the creation, what the creation or who the creation is, ask the creator. And my creator is God. It amazes me. It amazes me how the very person I was running away from is the very person I have to go back and ask the question, who am I? If you don't know me, okay, I'm gonna try to explain this a little more. But as we continue to have these conversations, you guys gonna get to know me a lot. Very, very well. My spiritual journey has been crazy. I have done so many things. I have had so many beliefs I have. I wish I could, because eventually guys, I'm gonna do like a video of this of my of my podcast. But until I get there, just imagine waves, okay, just the sea is going here and there and currents and everything and the wind, like my spiritual relationship, or my spiritual beliefs in my spiritual journey has been up and down everywhere else. Okay, so the is crazy to me the fact that I'm running from God, I still have to go back to him and be like, so who am I? Okay. And the reason why I wasn't running from God, and it wasn't because I literally was trying to run from him. Okay, it was because my mindset, and my idea of who he was, was distorted. I thought God was mean man just sitting in heaven, who has made all these rules that do not make sense. And I am unable to continue and maintain these rules and regulations. And if I don't get it right before I die, I'm going to hell. And it was just, that was my mind, my mindset. Like you better get it right. But you got to get it right. If not, you're going to hell. I remember back in 2015 1617. Oh my goodness, it was dark, a dark moment. And I was, I was doing well in church. And then the lights went out, because I started noticing two plus two was not equaling four. Okay, the math was not mathing. My religious identity left the building. Okay. Your religion makes a big part of your beliefs. So when two plus two was not equaling four, oh my goodness. Okay, I'm going to hell any moment. Y'all, I was so fearful of hell, to the point where I was afraid to drive. I was afraid of leaving my apartment. I got so fearful that anything could happen to me. And because I did not know what to do, or I didn't know what the I didn't know the formula. I didn't know what God wanted. I was so confused. I was like, I'm going to hell at any moment. And I was like, just don't let me die. Let me figure this out. That's how bad I got. Bringing back some old feelings. Okay. And so as the time went on, okay, it got to the point where I'm like, forget it. Forget it. It doesn't even make any sense for me to keep going. Because I can't figure this out. Time went on, time went on, time went on. And I recently found the answer. So daddy, which is God. You know, we said daddy is God. Okay, that's my daddy. He does not care about the disobedience. He does not care about the rights and the wrongs. That is religion. Religion is about who's right, who's wrong. You don't look like me. You're different. Religion cares about sin and disobedience. And you better get it right. Daddy cares about why did you choose to leave me? Bri, what happened between us to make you feel that I do not love you? Bri, what happened between us to make you feel that you can no longer trust me? Bri, what happened? What happened for you to feel that I don't understand you? Bri, why is it that you don't understand me? What is it that you don't understand? Bri, what is it going to take for me to convince you that I am all you will ever need? Bri, forget about what they say. Forget about what your mama said, your brother said, your daddy. Forget about what the preacher said, what the first lady of the church said, the ushers, the the deacons, the elders, the everyone who holds a certain type of title. Forget about them. Because to be honest with you, they're still trying to figure this thing out. They're still trying to figure this thing out. To be honest with you, they're still trying to figure this thing out too. Also, Bri, there are so many religious people out here who follow the quote unquote rules and their hearts are nowhere near me. Know this, there's a difference between religion and relationship. And where do you think I am? So I noticed that mostly preachers, teachers, children of God, they speak out of fear. Like rarely did I hear a message of God's love and how to immerse ourselves into it. No, the lessons tend to be more of wagging your finger of judgment and you better get right, get your life right before you die. And because if not, you're going to go to hell. Religion makes you feel that if you make it to heaven, it will be by the foot of your brow because you are unworthy, undeserving. You do not deserve the love of your daddy, that you're nothing but a dirty old rag. That you must work hard, sacrifice, carry your cross to be loved and accepted by your daddy. That sin separates us from God. So each time I made a mistake, I freaked out. Oh no, I have to go to church. I gotta confess this sin. I gotta repent real fast because at any moment, I'm going to die. At any moment, if I die, I'm going to hell. Religion teaches us that God is angry with us because of our disobedience. Think about this. Let's say you're a parent. Maybe you are. You're a parent and your child makes a mistake. Do you love them any less? What if your child makes a thousand mistakes? Do you love them any less? I remember when I was at home, I was on this, I don't know, I don't know, this tangent of breaking stuff. I remember the Cheetah Girls came out and I had to bring a chair in my room because they were dancing with chairs and I was using the prop. I was mimicking them and I broke the chair. I also remember I broke my mama's curio cabinet because I was doing something with the ironing board and smack, crash, glass everywhere. I'm like, oh my goodness. Do you think that she loved me any less? I mean, she was mad because her stuff was broken, but she didn't love me any less because I broke the stuff. What if your, what if your child had committed murder? Do you hate them or is your heart broken? If it was me, I would wonder where and how did I fail them. My heart would hurt because the things they are doing is hurting them. They're hurting themselves. Your decisions, I want to tell them like, baby, your decisions are going to cause you more pain, more heartache, more destruction. If you continue down this road, let me hug you and kiss you and, and smother you in love and show you another way, a way that leads to happiness, joy, love, and peace. If you ask me for anything, I'll give it to you. Why? Because I am your mommy. Because I gave birth to you. I carried you. I carried you for nine months. You are a part of me. If we can understand that type of love from our parents, from our mommies, that's the same love that God has for us. That's God's heart. When I finally realized just how much God really loves me, and he's not worried about all the flaws and the mistakes and disobedience, that's when my identity shifted. Growing up without a dad, I longed for the daddy-daughter relationship, not realizing my daddy was always there. So God told Jeremiah that before I formed you in the womb, I knew you. David said, for you created my most inner parts. You knitted me together in my mother's womb. God said, let us make man in our image and our likeness. You know, image is the reflection. So when you look in the mirror, you're looking at God. Likeness is, the root word for likeness is from. So that means you came from God. That love your mama has for you because you came from her, the love your daddy has for you because you came from him, is the same love God has for you because you came from him. It even says that when God created Adam, man, that he breathed life into his nostrils. He gave you and I his DNA. So when you're breathing, you breathe the life of God. So you are his image. You are like, we're like God juniors around here. You know what I mean? You are him. You are a part of him. You are his reflection. And that same love that your parents have, because you look like them. And because you act like them. And because you are a part of them. And because they gave you life is 1100 million trillion gazillion times more love that God has for us. That's probably not a number, but you get the point. Like God loved us before we even existed. Before I did anything good. Before I made an A on my report card. Before I, I, before I did anything. He already loved me. When I finally realized that he gave me the unconditional love that I always wanted. That's what a lot of us are looking for. Unconditional love. We want someone to love us beyond every flaw, every mistake, everything that we are too ashamed to admit happened. We want someone to love us beyond it. But the thing is, because we're looking for each other to love us, we don't necessarily have that capacity. Because we're human beings. But guess who, who has the capacity to love you beyond all that? Your daddy, God. So when I finally understood that my relationship began with God, and I found my identity in God. So this week, take some time to think about and enjoy nature. There was a time where, where I was agnostic and I didn't even know for sure if God existed. And there was a time where I knew for a fact God was not real. I was atheist. I was so depressed and so hurt and disappointed. And I was pretty much, I said it, I said, you know what? F you. I'm done. F all of this. If you're real, show me. Until then, you're not real. I'm done with this. Show me that you're real. I'm tired of looking for you. Some of y'all are probably like, oh my God, how can you say that? Y'all forget that he already knew what I was thinking. So I might as well just say it. Might as well just get it off my chest. But nature was one of the things that God used to show me that he was real, to show me he was there. So take some time, get in nature, walk, take a walk. And you, if you haven't noticed, I did not say pick up a Bible. We're not there yet. Really immerse yourself in nature and take the time out to write, journal. Think about the times in life where it was hard, where you didn't understand, where things were just not going your way. How did you get on the other side of that? Realize and notice how things worked out without your help and without the help of others. They just mysteriously came to be. Look for it and you will see that God was there the entire time. Notice how even though you were down and out, you never crashed. You never, you felt like you did. Believe me, boy Jesus, I felt like I was on the bottom of the bottom of the bottom. But then I kept noticing and I kept learning that he was always there. I have so much more to say, but we're already at like 36 minutes and I did not want this to be this long. But come next week and we're going to continue this conversation about the relationship I finally built with God and how my identity really shifted for me to feel that he was there. Every day is really a good day and how I began to walk in my new season. Welcome to the new season podcast. Ciao. So thank you. Thank you. And thank you again for joining me on the new season podcast. I just hope and pray that something that was said helps you through your beautiful journey of life. I would love to connect. So message me on Facebook at new.season.podcast and on Facebook and Patreon at new season podcast. I am so excited to meet you. See you soon.