2024-07-10 the temptation to repeat things

The speaker reflects on their tendency to feel restless and want to pursue new experiences, even if they had previously decided they didn't want them anymore. They discuss the significance of past experiences and how they shape their choices. They mention the importance of their relationship with their mother and how her support continues even after her death. They contemplate the idea of commitment and their struggle to let go of relationships. They express a contentment with their current lifestyle and the need for personal space. They acknowledge the complexities of relationships and the difficulty of finding a balance between closeness and independence. When I've done a thing for a long time, even a thing, or especially a thing, that I actually feel I want to do, I can start to feel like I want to do another thing, even a thing I'd come to believe I didn't want to do anymore. Maybe this is just because enough time has gone by so that the memory of it has faded, the significance of things of the past don't seem to have the same impact or meaning. I'm not sure. But I have found myself returning back to the field from where I originally stood, looking out, thinking the grass is greener over there. Like I've switched, and in the new field where the grass seemed greener, I now stand looking over and see the grass was actually greener where I came from. It may not be true, actually, and in many instances to go further than that feeling would be very destructive, maybe catastrophic, wrong. But that's how I feel, that I can come to the conclusion that I've learned something from my past, and having learned it, I don't need to repeat it. And yet, of course, even though many things didn't turn out as I had hoped they would, that doesn't mean that there weren't enjoyments, pleasures, excitements to be had along the way. It wasn't all bad, it just turned out that way. I can see things from different perspectives. I could say, when it came to my previous relationship, that it had to be, it had to end in order for me to go home, because if it hadn't have been bad, I would never have left. Now, I didn't know at the time, of course, but what was about to happen, within a year, was lockdown, COVID, malarkey. I don't know how I would have dealt with it in the States. I don't know that by then, things would have just broken down, or were already breaking down. I don't know, maybe it would have been something that would have caused it to have lived on top of each other. I don't know. But if I hadn't have, if things hadn't have been bad, I wouldn't have left. And if I hadn't have left, I wouldn't have had the opportunity to reconnect with my mum. And maybe I would have always regretted that, not helped her. I mean, it would have been a reasonable thing, I would have spoken to her, she would have understood. How can I leave? If I leave, I can't go back. And I'm married, and I love her, and things are working beautifully. How would I leave? You wouldn't expect me to leave. But because it wasn't, I could leave, and did leave. And I realised quite quickly that even though I was looking after her, and struggling in many ways to do so, she was also looking after me. And when she died, and this is not something that I've only just realised, I realised it quite some time ago, but each time it comes back up, I recognise the significance of it. After she died, she continued looking after me. Her money allowed me to make choices, it allowed me to buy a van, it gave me a home that I would never have had otherwise. I don't consider renting something a home. I know people do, but I don't. It's just somewhere I live. I have to be somewhere, but it's not my home. And even the van, which is my own home, and I suppose it comes closest to feeling like a home, I suppose I haven't felt at home since I left home. My family home, where I lived in until I was 21 or 22. We never moved, I was always in the same place, everything was very stable and solid and real, that was my home. But I suppose again, what made it my home was my mum. I didn't get on with her, I really struggled to deal with her, to be around her. I always had really, but I never felt like I didn't get what I needed. She always made sure I got what I needed. Even if I didn't know it at the time. So after she died, while there was considerable relief that I didn't have to do this anymore, there was tremendous anxiety over what I was about to have to do. But she looked after me by the money that allowed me to be me, to find me, to carry on. But there were times when I would have done anything to have returned, to have escaped, gone back to what I had got rid of, let go of. Because by that point, the issues, while I hadn't forgotten about them exactly, the feeling of experiencing them no longer existed. So it was much easier to imagine the aspects that were good, that could work, that were still there, and just carry on from there. As if none of the other stuff had arisen. Thinking that perhaps having taken this detour, when I did return, they wouldn't subsequently come back. I doubt that would have been true. Fortunately, I was unable to do that and didn't really try. But it did occur to me, if I could have, I might have. There's been many feelings about things like that, things that I've turned away from, rejected, that at the time seemed like the right thing to do. And then later down the line, I wonder if perhaps I hadn't given it all. This concept of, if I get involved with somebody, I do so with full commitment. I intend for this to be forever. There's no end. Let's do this for a couple of years and if it fails, it fails. I know people seem to be, other people seem to be very good at breaking up. They just don't expect things to last, so they don't last. And really they're just exploring. They're testing the waters, they're trying things out, having fun. I get it. I think it makes sense. I've just never been able to do it. If I'm involved, if I get involved, I'm in, all in, full in, 100%. Commitment. To me, commitment isn't, let's get married. That's not the commitment. The commitment is just to choose to be together each day, day by day by day. Because that's what life is, that's what relationship is. Marriage is just a piece of paper. You still have to choose to be together each day, day by day by day, every day. The choice is there. And if at some point a decision comes, a feeling comes, I don't want to do this anymore, you don't have to. You're still free. The commitment, whatever that means, can be negated. But for me, I have to have tried everything. And so maybe I start to think, did I? Did I give up when I could have found a way? Had I tried everything? I think I tried a lot. I think I thought about it often. I did my best. I couldn't seem to find a way. But that doesn't mean there wasn't one. I start to have things like that go through my mind. And I realise, I don't know anything. I'm doing my best to make the right decision. While I struggled dealing with my mum and dealing with my family, and many issues arose as a result, I don't think it was wrong for me to be there. I helped her. And I was helped by her. And as I said, after she died especially, I needed her. I would have still got that money, even if I hadn't have returned. What I might have done with it, had I been in America, may have been something very similar, but with more freedom, more space to explore, to go and explore the States. There would have been no need for me to have parked outside on the street. I can't imagine it. It only works here. Here I find that being still, being here, sometimes as I'm doing now, looking at the world through a two or three inch slit in the door, that's only open because it's warm. And so I see some aspects of the world going on out there that have nothing to do with me. And yet, I still look. It reminds me of how Lou, sitting in the garage just before he died, never going anywhere from morning till night, except doing the washing up, mowing the lawn. But otherwise, sitting in the garage and all he had to see was the doorway open to a few trees and the squirrels, where he would put bags of nuts out for them to feed on and he'd watch them. For somebody who was so connected to nature, that was all he had left at the end. Now, I don't particularly need that little two inch sliver. In the winter, the door's firmly closed. When it's raining, it's firmly closed. I don't have it. There's no distraction. But I don't really want more of what's out there. Not really. I still can go out there and sometimes I put earplugs in, which is a kind of protection mechanism to allow me to go out there to allow me to go out there and not to be so affected by things that might affect me. It's easier for me to not wear them here. In London, it was every day without even thinking about it. But often I walk about without them because I feel I can deal with the world in the small way that I experience it. And if I can't, I come away and I've always got my little safe space to return to where it's as I left it, it's only me here so I don't have to compromise or adjust or fit in to what somebody else wanted to do which doesn't coincide with what I wanted to do or needed to do in this moment and not having a way to sort it. Some of the issues when you live in a single room with somebody is no space. But then you can go upstairs and hang out with somebody else in the building weather permitting you can go outside for a walk. But even if you have space there is another room to go into within the confines of your apartment. It doesn't mean that you feel better doing so just that escaping a situation and I've always said when you need space and everybody kind of needs space at some point but in a relationship when you start to feel the need for space eventually space is all you want. It's the beginning of the end it's just a question of how long it takes. Yes, initially having space may sort things out but if you keep needing that space you keep feeling the need to create space eventually you'll only want space and that's how it's always been for me. I just didn't understand it at the time As things begin to slide down into the exit I'm trying to hold on because I still have the belief the idea that this is forever I'm committed I want to make it work I don't come to the conclusion OK, it's not working thanks very much, bye let's stay friends and I'm already looking over there. If I was able to do that maybe things would be much easier but my heart is 100% in I'm intertwined I'm connected in a way that isn't just superficial. So by attempting to do anything to keep things going it makes it so much harder to keep things going. It's not just that to me or her at some point it becomes bigger than both of us that changes are happening and that we have to go in different directions but I'm just reluctant to accept it. For me every other direction is a lesser feeling a lesser result than staying even though I might not be happy. That's how I was with my previous ex. There were many times when I absolutely felt so unhappy and yet the thought of leaving seemed worse in every instance even though I tried even though there was the opportunity more than once to shift into a different relationship with a different person and go that way, try this with them be with them it was possible I just wouldn't take it I couldn't take it I couldn't give up. In the end it wasn't my choice I had to accept that I had no choice and that was incredibly difficult. It forced me to live in a van that I'd never imagined doing and even though I struggled to accept it came to understand how wonderful the opportunity to live and be alone and thrive from it I never imagined the effect it would have on me for months months and months of every day closing the blinds and listening to teachings and walking into town and walking back out I was far enough away to feel like I was outside here while I feel like I'm a little bit outside I'm much much closer to the inside I try to avoid going into town don't do it very often fortunately the library is just on the outskirts and where I go for breakfast while it is in town I just go in and then come out if I go for a shower I just have to shower eat and come back out to the library so I don't have to experience what becomes troublesome if I stay too long when I go to the grocery store to do my shopping it's right on the other side not in town at all near the beach actually near the coastal path it's not a problem really although it can be sometimes there's a lot of people around at the moment the problem in many ways for me the relationships that or the relationship that brought me to America in the first place initiated online and the problem is that no matter how well you think you're connecting by communicating imagining having anything more than that will never turn out to be what the imagination produces it's always going to be different so many variables that cannot be taken into account the place where one lives the friends the job the lifestyle it all plays into the experience I discovered that really quickly when I made my way to America to be with a woman who was very keen to have me with her in fact never stopped being keen to have me with her I just knew that after three days I couldn't be with her that way my ticket was for three months the remaining time while it had interesting moments and I wouldn't have I wouldn't have given the experience up after I left at the time I found it very difficult and it was the beginning of the pain that I would need to help me understand the consequences of my choices of my actions that I needed to be brought down a peg or two that the arrogance in so many ways I suppose of thinking I could live the life I wanted I mean I was while the first time I was in America I was there legally and left within my visa's time the second time I came I just intended never to go back I decided that I could do that and it turned out I could do that but it's still an arrogant thing to completely disregard the rules and government and bureaucracy and of a major one of the biggest countries of the world just to say no I'm going to do it my way and that aspect of my character my character needed to be squished down or at least that's what happened because to stay in that situation and experience a number of different connections and intentions and experiences with different women revealed something about me that I don't think I could have learned had I not done that it took my previous ex twenty odd years twenty one years we were together and I knew if I'm honest three weeks after we became a couple I knew that something was terribly off now I wasn't using any mind altering substances so I've got nothing to blame for the confusion in my perspective I was sure what my heart felt I was sure what needed to happen there were signs and synchronicities confirming it and yet as soon as it became a situation that was commitment truly committed that had happened before actually but the moment when I realised that there's nothing I can do about this no matter what I feel if I change my mind I can't extricate as soon as I experienced that I went to hell and for me hell isn't all horrible and terrible and suffering there's plenty of other things that can be enjoyed but ultimately there's suffering ultimately the suffering always returns and it's possible to escape it to hide from it to take drugs, to avoid it to do things to distract it's always possible to find experiences that just for a moment some people use alcohol just for a moment you can forget about your woes and your troubles but they always come back you can put them down but you have to pick them up again I don't like to escape I like to sort things out I like to face things understand them and make good choices from them but I've also escaped many times from situations that I can't seem to deal with perhaps that is the right choice to make maybe there are no right or wrong choices there are just choices I've been challenged because of the ideas I've had to the ability to be involved with others in a way that seems to to create experiences I've been challenged by having them while I don't do an awful lot of things I used to do I don't know if I've fundamentally changed because I get used to doing something for a long period of time but it can seem like the things that I had already rejected through the experience and understanding I had have become distant enough that they can seem desirable again but what attracted me in the first place still exists and it was only the issues that arose that interfered with that which affected things but yet the initial ideas and attractiveness desire for things still exists I don't seem to have a great deal of that anymore life has pushed it out of me removed it from me or that I've just given up yeah, in many ways I'm small much, much smaller smaller than I was when I came back from America smaller than I was while I was around my mum maybe a little bigger than I was just before I got into the van I think there's a room for greater humility and yet I don't do things that create a real feeling of service which seems to be what I've heard the way towards enlightenment to give, to serve to be of service, I know what it's like but I am not drawn to it I like to act spontaneously to give of myself to be able to make things easier for someone in the moment when it feels right to do so but only when it feels right to do so and only if the moment is right I don't know if that's a good thing or not but that is how I am I spend all my time just looking after myself pleasing myself it's selfish but there's no one else so it's more self-centred I'm the centre of my own world I'm not solipsistic I'm not obsessed with having everything and yet I have what I want are there things I don't have that I would want? Maybe but I have what I want what I want and what I need have much more compatibility with each other but I have what I want I still feel fortunate in many ways I don't think I'm being given anything but that doesn't mean that's not true I am receiving much and I don't also feel that I do everything that's happening as I do it where does the inspiration come from? the idea at that moment there are coincidences there are synchronicities maybe they're not as obvious maybe they're much smaller maybe they're not as needed as they have been in the past and I sometimes reflect on who I've been and what I've done and can't really relate to who that was have I changed that much? is that a positive change? a growth change? or have I gone backwards? down? am I lower? vibrationally? it's hard to say so I won't try to conclude anything it could be one thing one moment and something else the next day by day by day all I can do even though day by day by day can be the same for ages then suddenly I'm faced with a problem it changes everything I can have many days, weeks of not having to do anything so I can do anything I want and then if today it isn't like that all of that past doesn't matter if today it feels different that's how it feels this is how it is all of the past is gone it's just a vague memory like a dream fading it doesn't matter I try to remind myself but weeks and weeks of not having an issue is a blessing in many ways you deal with this and then you'll have that again at some point and yet it doesn't always help and yet the idea of every day should be the same it seems naive to imagine that could be and we want that we like the things that we set in motion to stay as they are so that there are no unexpected surprises no interferences with that and we get used to doing it like that being that person feeling that simplicity I like it and yet at the same time I realise that something is missing a challenge something to get my creativity going even if it's just to sort out an issue otherwise creativity is not much of it for me recording could be said to be creative it's probably not it's just an expression of truth as far as making my mandalas I haven't done that for a year and a half no feeling to do it at all I don't have to do it of course but nothing's pulling me at it so the idea of creativity even when I do something for K make a thing in the graphic design world where creativity is a part of it I feel very uncreative I can do the technical just about I can understand and I can get help and go online and look on YouTube to figure out what the right techniques to be would be for something but the creativity I have to be inspired I've got to see other people's creativity and then I can copy it make a version of it so I'm not naturally creative I don't write creatively but I'm good at writing or expressing myself factually if that's creativity it may be a talent or a gift I prefer talent than a gift but it isn't very creative so I'm having to stretch my brain my mind to find solutions because otherwise if things are exactly as I want them to be there's nothing else to do I'm just waiting to die aren't I? and I've talked about this before waiting to die while I'm waiting I might as well get on with something I've got there are things I can choose while I'm waiting so I'll choose them and it might not happen tomorrow or the day after or the day after that so I can't imagine well it'll be if it's not today it'll be tomorrow I can't think it's imminent I have to still make the best of the experience I'm in while I wait and every so often my body reminds me that things are changing as it has reminded you things are changing failing and the idea of waiting to die is maybe a little closer it's still not tomorrow or the day after or the day after that necessarily but it's closer and at some point it may become obvious but there could be some time and what happens in the meantime? just got to get on with it