Ep_1_Melissa_Mallari

This is a podcast episode of "When Women Pivot" featuring guest Melissa Malari. The podcast aims to connect women through personal stories. Melissa is a 32-year-old teacher and mother of three. She shares her journey from working with domestic violence victims to becoming a high school teacher. Melissa believes her experiences make her a better teacher as she can empathize with her students' struggles. The podcast focuses on the importance of connection and not feeling isolated. Melissa shares her own story as a young widow and single mom, emphasizing the need for support and understanding. She hopes her story will help others realize they are not alone. The chapter of her life she discusses is titled "Graves into Gardens," symbolizing new life and transformation. Melissa reflects on her marriage at a young age and the challenges she faced. I want to welcome you to our brand new podcast, When Women Pivot, where you will hear personal stories from real women just like you. This podcast will bring light to the fact that God is not done with any of our stories. As long as there is breath in our lungs, these stories show us that we have never and will never be alone. Today, I personally want to welcome Melissa Malari. She is our guest today. This is our very first inaugural podcast. We prayed a lot about who that first person would be and the Lord just kind of kept bringing Melissa back up in conversation, so I am very glad that you are here today. Hello. Thank you. You're welcome. I know that it's not always easy to talk about our stories, but until we do, we as women, we just relate to each other better through our stories. We connect better. I always say I can appreciate you for your strengths, but I can connect with you and your story. I wish you guys could see what we see right now because Melissa is, how old is she? 32. Wait, no, her? Yeah, not you. She's two months. We have an eight-week-old sitting on the table with us and she's so cute. She's sound asleep. She's got that little bow mouth. If I get distracted, you will absolutely know why. Melissa, I would love for you just to kind of introduce yourself, your family. Just tell us those things that you would probably tell someone when you first met them. I am Melissa Malari. I am 32, just had my birthday, and I've got three awesome kids, an eight-year-old, almost six-year-old. I keep kind of just rounding her up, and then my two-month-old got a husband named Jacob, and I am a teacher here in Murfreesboro. I teach psychology and sociology. Oh, wow. Yes, so formerly, I didn't go to school to be a teacher. I actually got my bachelor in social work. Thank you. I did not know that. I absolutely loved it. I worked at the district attorney's office for a while with victims of domestic violence. Oh, my God. It was absolutely my dream job. I mean, I always said I wished the job didn't exist, but because it's kind of like I don't want to be doing it, but it was just hard to maintain as a mom and working downtown Nashville. So, through a lot of really random, what I called mom jobs, because it was just like to pay the bills and whatever worked with the kids' schedules. So, a lot of just kind of random this and that led me to teaching. So, it's really fun. I get to now teach what I'm very passionate about, which is mental health. I mean, sociology kind of ties in a lot with social work stuff, so I get to teach students that, and I love it. What grade? It's high school. It's mostly 11th and 12th graders. Okay. The ones who know all things. Oh, yeah. Yeah. It's chaotic. I have about 200 students this semester. Wow. So, you went from the court system, dealing with domestic violence, to a whole different kind of system and probably dealing with a lot of the same things then. Yeah, and I don't know if this is going to sound like non-humble. I don't know why I can't think the opposite of humble. This is a microphone. Exactly. I really feel like it makes me a better teacher because I have homeless students, pregnant students. I have students who struggle severely with mental health and have terrible home lives. You know, students who cut and students who, like, all of this stuff. So, I feel like I'm able to recognize that. Sure. And I tell my students at the beginning of the year, I say, look, I'm, you know, this is an elective. If you need to sleep, like, if that's the choice you need to make because you, you know, where I have students who work till, you know, 12, 2 a.m., whatever, or have two or three jobs, or take care of family members, like that kind of stuff. So, I tell them, like, if you need to sleep, sleep, but also you have to figure that out. Like, you're either going to fail or you're going to have to make it up, whatever. So, like, you know, I can't make that choice for you. I can't force you to stay awake, you know, but just know, like, that's your choice. Or also telling, like, if they have really bad attitudes, trying to, you know, be sympathetic of, like, okay, what else is going on? Right. Because it's a result of so much more than just what you see on the surface. Wow. I love how God did that. Wow. And we need more teachers like that. Very much so. That see them as people. Yes. Exactly. And that's not even what the podcast is about today, but I can sure make it about that. Okay. So, I have sent you some questions. And, you know, one of the things about this podcast, the purpose of this podcast, one of them, is to help women connect, and I guess anybody, connect with other women because we are fantastic about isolating. We are fantastic about thinking we are the only ones that could ever possibly be going through what we're going through. And a lot of us have been taught, you suck it up, you put the right face on, and you keep going. And there's so many of us who are dying in that. And so, when I asked you to do this, it was asking a lot, and when you all hear some of Melissa's stories, one of the things we talked about was also, our stories aren't done. And so, these are literally just chapters in our stories. So, you get to hear one of the chapters in Melissa's story, and I just, I'm so honored that you chose to say yes to this because it's not an easy topic. It'd be easier if we would talk about teaching in this aspect. We could talk all day long. One of the questions I had sent you was, why did you want to do this podcast, When Women Pivot? Why did you think that it was something that you were like, yep, I want to do that? I feel like I was instantly reminded of why I did it when we were having a conversation before we hit record, where Shelly said, your story is so unique. And my instant thought was, well, not really. But I did feel that way two years ago, where I felt like, where on earth are there other 30-year-old widows with kids? We were talking about the 85-year-old or even the 50-year-old, but where are the other 30-year-old widows with small children at home? And so, that's how I felt two years ago. But over the past two years, I've really sought out that connection. Like you said, the isolation, that's why I wanted to do the podcast because it's really one of, I think, the most used tactics from the enemy. I mean, it's even what he did with Jesus. He tried to isolate him. And we think about how in Luke, we get that parable of the shepherd. He leaves the 99th, and he leaves the group because he knows the group is good. There's 99 of them. They're fine. They have a group. To go get the one because that one was isolated. So, they were the one that was the most in danger because they were isolated. Like, there's a reason for that parable. And so, just how dangerous that isolation is and being alone. And so, yeah, when I did become a young widow and single mom, I had a ton of people helping me. And the church, especially, like you mentioned, the Bride of Christ, I really, truly felt so loved and so helped. I had family helping. So, I wasn't alone in that sense. I had a lot of people helping me, but internally, I felt very alone. Like, nobody truly knew. Or even if they were there, for the most part, they were there to make a meal or to help me with this or that. It's not like they were always there. There were still parts that I had to walk on my own or walk through with my children on my own. And so, that, for me, felt so lonely. And so, I really had to seek out similar stories, whether that was people I knew or trying to find podcasts. There was a podcast that I listened to that somebody actually suggested. And it's funny how the Lord uses people. I don't even think she was somebody I knew that well. She's somebody who just sort of stumbled across my story when Bubba was sick. And so, she was like, hey, I listened to this podcast. It really made me think of you. Sorry if I'm kind of speaking out of turn or whatever. Kind of apologize. You don't want to offend me. But it was one of those things that it meant so much. When I heard the story that she sent me, I felt less alone. And so, that's why I wanted this podcast. So, hopefully, somebody, if even just one young widow, single mom, whatever, hears it and just knows that, like, okay, I'm not alone. That's beautiful. Okay. So, in saying that, there's a question that I wanted to ask you. And in this question, I would love for you to share this chapter that you walked through just a couple of years ago because this happened in 20, right? Or was it 21? Okay, 21. That's what I thought. Okay. So, one of the questions, and I want you to take this question and then please continue on with just telling your story. But if you could title this aspect, like, if someone said, put a title on that chapter, what title would you have given it? Graves into Gardens. Oh, wow. What instantly came to mind. And we played it at Bubba's funeral. And so, it's something that just sort of, I feel like, comes back around from time to time. So, that's when you sent me those questions to kind of think over, that was the first thing that popped in my head was Graves into Gardens. And I realized even the meaning of that has kind of changed through the years. Like, I'll get to, I guess, the beginning of the story, but I was just thinking a lot about Olivia and her new life. And so, you think about Graves into Gardens and how we have this new life, like a little flower. Yep. So, really just that title, that song, has meant a lot. So, yeah. So, to get into, I guess, the Graves part, the story itself. I married my high school, I like to say my youth group sweetheart. We didn't go to school together, but we met in youth group. And we got engaged at 19, which is so funny because, you know, we thought we were so grown. Yeah. And then we got married at 20. And it's just funny because we really were, I mean, babies. You were babies. I remember it. We were literally 19. Like, we had a teen number when we got engaged. It's just insane. And so, I mean, I'm so thankful for it now because we got married so young. We had so much more time together to be married and, you know, gave us the time to have two kids. And so, we, I mean, we really did. It was by no means perfect or easy, but, you know, we had just shy of 10 years married. It's not even including dating. So, we were together and, like I said, had two beautiful kids. The big kids is there now. Yes, they are. And so, again, we're in year nine. We were just about to turn 30, both of us. And this was kind of a year into COVID where, you know, things were a little more known, but people were, you know, still getting sick. And so, we had just started, like, a new small group. And then the next day, he wasn't feeling that good and ended up testing positive. He was sick. And it was one of the things where it felt like it all happened really quick, but also, like, time stood still for our family for about a month or so where he got sick. He was sick at home for a little bit. And that was really hard and part of what I'll go into kind of later on as well. So, I basically had to stop working for a month, which I guess to back it up, because of COVID, he had lost his job earlier that year. And it actually ended up being one of the biggest blessings because for the last maybe three months of his life, he was able to spend so much time with the kids. He had what we called Daddy School. So, he watched our youngest because she wasn't in school yet. And he was able to pick our older one up from school. And so, they were able to spend a lot of time together and they had Daddy School. So, anyway, so he had been doing that. So, because once he got sick, I wasn't able to really work fully. So, I was taking care of the kids fully because he was stuck in the bed. And so, I was taking care of the kids. I'm going to get one in school and take care of a little one and just doing all of those things. And so, then it led to him getting even more sick. And just one of those moments burned in my brain was dropping him off at the hospital around like 3 a.m. I had the kids in the car because I couldn't just leave them at home. Right. You know, me and the kids in the car just kind of waiting for a little bit to see like, you know, are they going to keep him? Are they going to send him home? And really that was the last time the kids got to see him was that time. So, dropped him off. And then it was about a month of just hospital stay and all of that. Again, I had to very quickly stop working because it was like 24-7, whether it was taking care of the kids or constantly on phone calls. Because the restrictions were pretty tight then. Like you couldn't get in the hospital. At the beginning of his hospitalization, I had tested positive. So, I couldn't go in. I couldn't even have like I couldn't have window visits. I couldn't walk in the hospital or anything like that. So, yeah, it was still a lot of like and because he was positive, he had a lot of restrictions too. There were lots of restrictions around who could see him and when and how and all of that. And so, yeah, I mean it was about a month of just ups and downs. And, you know, we'd have this kind of saying at the time that came from one of the nurses about having like a smidge. And so, we'd have these like smidges where he was doing a little teensy tiny bit better and then would kind of decline. And so, he ended up being on a lot of machines. And then one day and I could, you know, it's that day that's like burned forever in my brain where I got the phone call. And the doctor said, you know, we'll just talk when you get here. And you're like, ooh. Yeah. And so, I found myself and I wasn't sure if I was going to share this detail, but I think it is something that not a lot of people maybe know or see or think about, especially when you're early married. You don't always necessarily have these conversations. Thankfully, Bub and I did. But he was, you know, hooked up to just countless machines. He had something happen just with his brain. And so, they basically said like he's being kept alive by the machines. He's not really there anymore. So, they're in the hospital and at 30, you know, it's my husband of nine years, having to make the decision, make the call to turn off the machines. And so, having to do that and I mean, I just remember my dad was able to get there pretty quick. And so, he was there. And I remember just looking at him and saying like I can't do this. I can't say those words. And thankfully, you know, after a while and, you know, getting to kind of spend a little bit more time, I realized what clicked for me was that like, okay, at this point, I'm just standing between him and Jesus. Like he's already gone. Wow. You know, so like I knew that me giving the final okay was just me standing between him and Glory. You know, like he was just in so much pain. And so, having to like kind of finally say, okay, you know, turn it off. And I knew too, we had been in such prayer for a month for him to get on this machine, this ECMO machine, which is a big deal. Yeah. He was on two. Wow, I didn't realize that. Yeah. And so, I was like this could literally save the lives of two other, you know, people when his is already gone. And so, you know, the quicker that we make this decision, the quicker somebody else can. And so, yeah, I mean, after that, it was coming home and having to tell the kids, which was the absolute worst thing in the world. How old is he now? Michael had just turned six and Neely was three, almost four. Okay. Yeah. So, very aware. Yeah. Neely, not so much. Hers is kind of come in waves as she's gotten older. But, well, and Michael, he has a friend who lost his dad like a week before. So, he was very aware in that sense. That was the first thing he said. He was like, so it's just like, and he said his friend's name. And so, and it was actually very strange. His friend's dad died very similarly. Like, they both had COVID. Both died in the hospital. Both were like days within their birthdays. It was really bizarre. But, anyways, so following that was just, you know, all the planning funerals and doing all these things that you just don't imagine. And, again, we had had conversations. So, thankfully, I knew his wishes. I mean, even down to like him making, you know, comments over the past 10, 12 years, like not wanting to be, you know, kept on machines. And, obviously, that's a personal decision for everybody. But that's something that he and I had discussed. And it's something that now I'm like, you know, wanting all my friends to know. Like, just have the conversation. Like, talk about those things. And, more importantly, write it down because it could very easily be a point of kind of contention and that kind of stuff. But, you know, I knew in my heart. Anytime I was making a decision, whether it was with his medical care or with his funeral planning and that kind of stuff, like I knew that it was what he wanted. And so, yeah, it was those kind of days that followed of, you know, being, you know, taking care of the house, taking care of the kids. I went back to work pretty quick because at that point I'd been off for about a month. So, you know, jumping back into work. And then kind of life after that started dating a lot sooner than I would have imagined for myself. I'm very independent. And I think for me it's different for every single person. I think for some people, you know, they may be single forever. And that's fine. Right. And I remember thinking that very early on and kind of through tears thinking, like, I'm either going to be single for the next 60 years or I'm going to have to date again. And both of those sounds really gross. Like, I don't want to do either. I don't want to do either one of those. And I was like, what am I supposed to do, get on the app? Like, last time I dated was in 2009. And at this point, you know, it's 2021. I'm like, I don't know how to date in 2021. Like, I'm a mom. Like, who the heck is going to want to date me? I'm just a, I'm a widowed mom of two. I'm 30. Like, what am I supposed to do, get on Tinder? Like, is that my bio? Like, no one's swiping on that. So, then the Lord was really sweet to provide Jacob in my life, who was somebody who had been a friend. And I honestly, I just invited him over because Michael wanted to learn how to play Minecraft. And I was like, I barely know how to turn the Xbox on. And you knew Jacob knew. And I knew, yeah, I knew he knew that. And so, I was like, hey, I have so much food. And I had, when I tell you, we had a meal train set up. He passed away in September. We had a meal train through December. That's wonderful. Yeah. I mean, we had people coming to mow the grass. It was like a side story. I remember at one point just speaking with the Lord. And I, like, told him, I was like, you should be so proud of your bride because she is really showing off right now. I mean, truly, the church, like, was just absolutely held me and the kids through that so beautifully. But it was me and two little kids. And they would give us these massive portions. And so, I was like, hey, can you, like, I know this is hard because, you know, him and Bubba were good friends. He was missing his friend, too. But I was like, hey, could you pretty please come teach Michael how to play Minecraft and I will feed you because I have so much food. I was like, I'll send you home. Like, I will feed you tonight and I will send you home with soup. Like, because I had so much. And so, he agreed. And I kept in touch with a lot of, like, our, I mean, they were mostly Bubba's friends but kind of like mutual friends. And I would some nights stay on, I mean, your son was one of them, whereas they would be on Discord playing games. And they would all stay up until stupid hours. Dumb hours. Dumb hours of the night. But I hated going. A 30-year-old. Exactly. I hated going to sleep alone, though, because it's like I had somebody next to me for, what, almost 10 years. And so, I would put Discord on. And so, they would just be talking. I usually would just mute myself, but I just wanted to, like, hear them, like, playing. Because he normally played with them, so he'd be up. And so, I was just what I was used to. And so, anyways, I would just have that in the background until, like, 2 a.m. But, anyway, so I, you know, kept in touch with a lot of them. Jacob was just a friend and was now a friend to, you know, the kids, too. And it's one of those things that, after a while, it was like, oh, is this allowed to be a thing? And, I mean, I can so vividly even remember being on Church Street and praying and, like, literally asking, begging God to take Jacob's feelings away. I'm probably just crazy, and I don't even know if he actually really likes me or if he just thinks he likes me. I don't know. But, like, Lord, if this is not you, if this is not okay, like, please, just end it. I don't know. End it before it starts. Like, let him down easy. Like, I'll be fine, but just let him down easy. Like, let's go our separate ways if we need to, whatever. And, you know, really struggle. I had some friends who, just in their hurt, were really, really not okay with it, you know, calling it sin and that kind of thing. And so I remember just reaching out to mentors. I'm like, I really don't think it is. Like, I'm pretty cool with JC, you know, back in, I don't know, the 90s talk. Like, I'm pretty connected to the Spirit. I really, truly don't feel like it is. Right. And so going to mentors and saying, like, hey, if I need to be checked, please check me. Like, if this is not okay. But really just felt, like, from the Lord, like, yeah, like, go for it. And so just kind of continuing to, I don't know, as he kind of pursued me and loved on the kids. And it's one of those things, you know, I wasn't in a rush, but, like, once I knew, then it was just kind of like, okay, like, why waste our time? Wow. That kind of thing. When you know, you know. Yeah. And so we ended up getting engaged in April of 2022 and then married in August of 2022. And then had our sweet little Olivia in July of 2023. So it was really cool. When I was preparing for this, I was looking at Job. And we just talked about it actually this past Sunday at our church. And I was looking at the end of Job. And, you know, sometimes you just kind of read scripture through new eyes. And at the very end, it says that the Lord blessed the second half of Job's life even more than before. And so it was just really cool to kind of see that and feel that. So that's kind of a very long story short where we are now. Yeah. Exactly. Yeah. Well, and the thing about this chapter of your life is you are still very much in it. Because grief is not something that we feel and then we go past. Absolutely. Grief. And you have two little, oh, I call them little ones. Yeah. They're not so little. I can't wait. We're going to do a kid's podcast with her oldest son, Michael. And that kid, that kid is his father in every way. He was something. But I wanted to tell you, you know, sitting here across from Melissa and watching her tell this story. And, you know, she's very matter-of-fact about it. But yet, I vividly remember, I knew Bubba more than I knew you way back when. Because Bubba actually took my oldest to prom as a sweet, sweet friend. And that was Bubba. That was, he was a friend unlike any other. He was one of those kind of young men that you just saw Christ in on everything he did and said. And I'll never forget going to the funeral. And I told you this when we met. I remember walking into this church. And there were hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of people there. There may have been a thousand, honestly. Yes. Exactly. And I remember watching. And I remember walking in. And I could see Melissa all the way up front standing there. And this young woman, I'll never forget it, she greeted every single person with such a presence. And I just remember sitting down after I had gone up and hugged her. And, you know, funerals are just a horrible, horrible thing. But a funeral of a 30-year-old young father, it just takes you to places that you don't necessarily know you're ready for. And I just remember sitting down watching you, which sounds a little bit creepy. I'm sure everybody was. I was very aware that everybody was watching me. Yeah, I bet. I bet you were. I just remember thinking, Lord, she's not doing this by herself. You totally are. You got your arm around her. You're holding that young woman tight. And that's why she can stand there. And so as I watched and I heard people speak of Bubba, but I heard them speak of the influence that both of you had in the lives of young people at this church. And, you know, it made me step back and realize, you know, we always say, well, you never know. You got tomorrow. We don't even know if we have today. Do we really believe that? You've walked through a story, and are in the midst of still walking through this story, of truly understanding what it is to not know what tomorrow looks like. I know we had talked about questions, but this keeps coming back to mind. You know, we always say, I just wish I knew what the Lord had in store. If someone says that to you, what is your response to them? Because not always what is coming down the pipeline is something that you even want to walk towards. And I know I didn't give you a heads up for this question. This is a question. She's like, oh, no. But if someone says to you, if I only knew, then I could prepare. But is this – I mean, I don't know that you could ever truly prepare for something like this. Yeah, I don't think you can. It is – it's cool to see in hindsight, like the summer before he passed away. I can recognize that way that the Lord was kind of preparing. We hung out with – I swear we hung out with just about every friend that we had that summer. I mean, just even ones that – ones that we hung out with all the time or, you know, having, you know, a party with, like, all of our friends coming over, like, just weeks before he got sick or going over. Or him losing his job. Like, so I could see where the Lord was preparing. But I think if – and I feel like there's country songs about this. I feel like if I knew, I would probably go more into, like, planning. You know what I mean? That would just be – I picture Martha and Mary when they were preparing for Jesus in their home and how – I don't want to get this wrong. Martha was busy and Mary was at his feet, right? So I just – in my head, you know, Martha, she's like prep, prep, prep, prep, prep, prep. And I feel like just the logistics side of things, knowing what I know now, I'm like, oh, I'd probably just be, like, doing, you know, logistics things. Right? Yeah, you've got this song where Mary just kind of sat at his feet. And so I feel like the not knowing, you know, we really were able to just enjoy that. Which, again, I can only see in hindsight just all the kind of ways that he prepared our friends or ourselves or, you know, our kids, whatever that is. And kind of having those kind of last hoorahs with a lot of different people. So, yeah. Wow. I think that's kind of – if that answers the question. It does. No. Okay. So this is one of the questions that I gave you to prepare for. You're good. You're off the hook here. But if you could sit with another woman who is walking a version of this story right now, what is something that you would want? Whether it's to tell her, that you would want her to know, that you would almost give her permission for? Absolutely. The first two things that came to mind were that there is no one right way to grieve and there's not a timeline. So in kind of, I guess, fleshing out both of those with there not being a right way to grieve. There's probably a few wrong ways. You know what I'm saying? Right. There's probably some that could – to lead to some destruction, whatever. You know, it's not like being in grief just excuse us to, like, sin. Right. But also there's the, like, everything is – everything is permissible but not everything is beneficial. Yeah. But at the same time, like, you get to make those decisions because truly – and again, I go back to Job, right? Like, his friends are trying to help him but really they were not being helpful at all. And so people may be well-meaning and say, like, oh, you know, you really shouldn't – you know, the people say you shouldn't – you know, you shouldn't cut your hair. You shouldn't move. You shouldn't make any of these decisions and you shouldn't do this or that. And that's really easy for somebody to say that, you know, is going home that night to lay next to their spouse. Right. Or not having to – not having to explain to a 4-year-old, you know, why their dad's not there. Like, so it's – I think when it comes to grief, knowing that there's – there's so many ways. And I'm definitely, like, a checklist person. So in my head it would be, like, well, it would be easy if there was a checklist. Right. Of, like, how to deal with it. A lot of women would appreciate that. Yeah. But there's just not – well, I guess if you are – if you are a widow and you're listening to this, I know you're thinking the same thing I am, which is there actually is an actual checklist that you have to – you know, if you've lost, like, a spouse or even, like, a parent, you know there's, like, an actual literal checklist that you have to do on top of your grieving. So that's annoying. But when it comes to, like, the grief itself, you know, we – whether that's being in gray sweatpants and eating a carton of ice cream. Right. Or, you know, I've – again, now I'm kind of my network of widows. Like, sometimes it's moving states or just moving across town because you can't stand to be in the house that you were in with them. Or dating. Again, whether that's early or whether that's never. You know, whether that's you kind of fumble through it and it doesn't really work out or it works out right away or you never even want to attempt it. There's no right way to grieve. And I love, too, how the Lord shows us that as well. I mean, he even had all the answers to everything ever and he still wept when Lazarus died. And when he was in the garden, I mean, he asked the Father to take this away from me. And because Jesus is perfect, we can see that in his perfection he's allowed to ask those questions. So we know that in and of itself is allowed. We can say, Lord, please, like, please take this away. You know, please heal them. Please, you know, stop this, whatever it may be. And we're allowed. I feel like in my head when I see Jesus do it, I'm like, okay, like I have permission to do that, too. Or even when he's on the cross. I mean, he cries out and says, Father, why have you forsaken me? So we get that and we see that in Jesus. And so we can give ourselves permission to be angry if we need to be angry or to be really sad. But, again, there's just no right way. Because for me, like you talked about at the funeral, I feel like a lot of people thought I was faking it because I was not crying. You know, it wasn't this, like, black veil, red lipstick, like, sobbing. And if that's you, that's fine. But that just wasn't me. I'm not good at crying in front of people. Like, as you said, I'm very matter of fact. I can sit here and have my little matter of fact face on and just kind of spew out the facts and still speak from my heart. But that's just how it is. Like, I'm able to kind of, I guess, turn those emotions on and off. And it doesn't mean that it's fake. It doesn't mean that it's bad. It's just how I grieve. And then I go home and I can grieve a little more publicly. For some people, it is very big, loud displays of grief. And both of those are okay. And so to me, again, if I'm talking to somebody and giving them permission, if that's what you want to call it, if you're the gray sweatpants with a box of tissues on the couch, that's fine. If you're, I went back to work the same week as his funeral. Now, granted, I wasn't very useful. I fell asleep on the couch one time at work. I was working at an insurance office. Like I said, it was my random job. And I literally fell asleep for, like, hours. But in my head, I was like, well, I don't want to just be home alone. That sounds awful. If I could just be at home with my feelings, that's gross. I'd rather go to work. And so that would be one of the biggest things is just that there's no one way. And then the other thing with that is being there's no timeline. There's no specific timeline for grief. It's not like you get a certification or certificate that you've, like, completed. It's just going to always come up in different ways. And so, you know, if you get to therapy right away, awesome. If it takes you a little bit before you get comfortable, that's okay, too. If you journal like crazy right away, awesome. You know, clothes, that's a huge one, especially with, you know, being a widow. Like, do I leave all their stuff? And now that, again, my little network of widows, you know, I know some people who don't touch anything for years. My mom's best friend, she was a widow also in her early 30s with two small kids. So she was literally the first person I went to. I was like, please, give me, tell me everything I need to know. And one of the things she told me, she was like, I got rid of all of Chris's stuff so quickly because I couldn't stand to look at it. She's like, but now I wish I hadn't. So she was like, so just box everything up. And you can always throw it away, but you can never get it back. And so really what I did was, except for maybe some things, like, okay, that's like obviously trash. And let me tell you, living with somebody as chaotic and random as Bubba, there was a lot of trash. I'm pretty sure I stabbed myself on like arrowheads, like broadheads and fishing lures, like in his drawers. Oh, that sounds like Bubba. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, I was, and it was so funny because it would be one of the things that made me like laugh and cry because I'm cleaning out his drawers and I'm like, okay, I just got stabbed by a fishing lure. And there's four bouncy balls. That describes him perfectly. Exactly. And so anyways, so like, but cleaning stuff out. To me, that's just one thing that when it comes to a timeline, like it's whatever you are comfortable with. And I would suggest that, you know, you can always throw it away later, but you can't get it back. So I just kind of boxed up everything. And I thought, you know, if the kids want this or if I want this later, they can have it. But if the kids open it when they're adults and they're like, Mom, why did you keep, like, I don't want this. What did you do that for? Then, you know, then that's fine. Like we can get rid of it later. But I didn't ever want to like regret that I couldn't get it back. But to me, that's a huge one, you know, cleaning their stuff. Dating, another one that like I've mentioned a couple of times, like that timeline is just so different for everybody. And so just being okay with that, being different. Or like watching TV shows. There's shows and movies that I like just now am kind of able to watch. Because it was like, no, we watched that together. It was weird. And so now I'm able to. But then sometimes I start watching it. I'm like, never mind. I'm good. And it's listening to yourself, understanding that those are okay. Okay. So I've got one more question for you. Okay. And this is a question that no matter who is on this podcast, no matter what guests I have, this will always be their last question. And this is it. What is one question that you wish someone could have, would have, should have asked you during this chapter? I would have wanted somebody. Here's the funny thing. In reality, I probably wouldn't have answered that. Right. That's okay. But deep down, I think what I would want somebody to ask would have been, like, what's going on that people don't see? Because Bubba was such a dynamic guy. I mean, it became, like, in Murfreesboro, and honestly, I mean, like, globally, there was people following along with his story. And it was great. We had a ton of people that were praying and that kind of stuff. But it also was very overwhelming. No matter. And so it felt like everybody had eyes on me and either thought that they knew everything or felt like they deserved to know everything. So I think just that, hey, but what else is going on that we don't see? So the way I would answer that would be, you know, when I had COVID and I couldn't go in the hospital, I was waiting in the car parking lot, whether that was waiting in the car parking lot with the kids or by myself. And, you know, I remember one time being in the car and the only thing I was able to utter, like, just through my absolute crying, wailing, which, again, I don't do well in public at all. But in the comfort of my minivan in the hospital parking lot, the only word I had left was Jesus. Like, that's literally the only thing that I could get out of my mouth, was just saying his name over and over again. Or I guess to back it up a little bit, like, when he was still at home, when he was really sick, just becoming very out of it. This sounds really gross to say, although in his living, he would tell stories. No. But when he was, and all of his friends know the story because he told all of them. He was pretty proud of it. And I had to clean that up. So. Oh, we are being summoned. Is it time? I feel like I can finish this question. You can do it. Yeah, I believe you. If we need to let her stop. No, she's fine. So just things like that, that obviously I wouldn't have really shared and nobody would have known stuff like that. Right. Or when, hold on, let me, because I had to write them down so I didn't forget them. No, you're okay. Oh, okay, here it is. The other thing, we both spent our birthdays with him in the hospital. And when it was his birthday, I was bringing stuff up to kind of like decorate his room, a couple of like presents. He was in a coma. So the hope was that maybe he'd be able to be awake for his birthday. But either way, I was going to bring some stuff. Because it was his big 30th. I mean, I've been buying stuff for a month or so. So I had some decorations. I was like, well, I'll just bring that. I had just gotten myself, you know, treated myself to like an extra large hot coffee at Dunkin'. And I was just completely out of it. I'm driving. And at a red light, I rear-ended somebody. Coffee everywhere. I mean, we're talking all inside the van. And it was, again, is that a red light? I think what happened was like she, in my head, she started going. And so you went. And so I went. And it was just like a little kiss. Yeah. A little kiss on the bumper. And this lady, she comes out. And this is also a reminder to be nice to people. She comes out, and she was like, what did you do? I was like, I thought you were on your phone, blah, blah, blah, blah. And thankfully, it happened in Smyrna where I've got a really good like high school friend who's a police officer. And I texted him. I was like, can you please either come here? You know, she's insisting on calling the police. Like, can you please either come or like let whoever's coming like know, kind of thing, like the deal. And so it ended up being fine. But that's one of the stories I don't think very many people knew that I rear-ended somebody on the way to the hospital. Yeah, we never heard that. And so since I had to embarrass Bubba, I guess I feel like I should embarrass myself too. At one point, I like peed myself because I was having to, I was in the van so much. And so I was like, yeah, I mean, obviously it was an accident. I was 30 years old. But like, again, since I'm calling Bubba out, I guess I should call myself out too. And it's just like those little things then down to like, you know, when we were home and after he passed, like it was me and the kids. I mean, you know, like I said, I had a ton of people helping, and I don't want to like downplay that. But, you know, having to constantly answer questions like, you know, and sometimes it'd be really big questions. And sometimes it'd be like, does he have clothes on in heaven? And I'm like, actually, I don't know. Like that's a great question. Right. And so just, you know, whether I wanted to talk about it or not, it didn't matter because I had two small kids. And so it was whatever popped in their head they were going to ask or say. Or, you know, putting them to bed and, you know, crying afterwards. Or, you know, crying as I snuggled them on the couch. Or, you know, I spent months kind of sitting in between their rooms. That way they knew like I was right there. And so just all of that, all the stuff that was kind of behind the scenes, behind the closed doors. People forget to remember. It's so much more than the actual happening of whatever that, whatever the occasion is, we forget. We forget there's so much more. You know, as we wrap this up, I know there are people out there who, one of the things that as I'm listening to you, I don't hear you blaming anybody. I don't hear you blaming God. I don't hear you blaming Bubba. So many people get so angry at the ones who left. You know, it's not their fault. But I don't hear that in you. And that's amazing because if, just to be very transparent, if the Lord had asked that of me, I don't know that I would have handled it with the grace that you have done. But that is the point of us sharing our stories. Because unless you hear that that lady that you rear-ended had no idea what you were walking through, and I would 100% guarantee that that would have changed her response or her reaction to you if she had known that there was this young girl who was just waiting on her young husband to completely pass. That changes how we respond. So, you know, this is a journey. This is something that you will walk for the rest of your life, and your kids will too. Just because the Lord allowed Jacob to walk into your life and to love you so beautifully doesn't mean that you're okay. It doesn't mean that it's all fine now. Absolutely. It's all a happy ending. Like I won. Right. That's not how this rolls. So if there is a woman, and I didn't give you this question either, but if there is a woman out there that right now, with the last few minutes that we have, that is in that place, and I'm sure there's a lot of terror, a lot of pure fear in the unknown, not knowing, what is just one short thing that you can say that you know will encourage her to continue, to keep going, to not quit? I think, honestly, if I'm encouraging somebody in that season, it's just to quote Anna from Frozen 2. It's a lot of theology. But really, just to do the next thing. You don't have to plan out the next 10 years of your life. Because I know, I sat there where it was instantly like, I'm 30 years old. What the heck am I going to do with my kids for the next year, five years, 10 years? What am I going to do? Like I said, whether it's my house, or dating, or his stuff, or this or that, it can be so easy to instantly either be so stuck in the past, or so fearful and stuck in the future, that if I was really going to give just a very practical and helpful, and whatever you want to call it, that advice, that word, just really truly just worry about the day, get through the today, and then you're going to go to sleep, you're going to wake up, and tomorrow is a new day. And just knowing that, hey, you did it. And whether you're five days, I can't imagine you're listening to a podcast five days after, but maybe you are. If you're five days, 10 months, a year past when your spouse died, you did it. Whether you've made it five days, 10 days, 10 months, whatever, like you've made it that far. And so just getting through today, and then worrying about tomorrow, tomorrow. And there is, obviously there's some aspects, especially if you have young kids, and like I said, you have this actual physical to-do list. There is obviously something to planning ahead and that kind of thing. But really when it comes to taking care of yourself, just knowing that I made it through today. I made it through yesterday. It is a new day. I'm making it through today, and then moving forward. Instead of getting so stuck in the past, so stuck in the future, especially when you're kind of in that survival and you're in that fog, because that really truly is what it feels like when you're super, super heavy, and that grief is like this fog. And you really can't see behind you or forward that well, and not clearly at all. Sure, I can imagine. If you really think about being in that fog, the future and the past are not that clear. And so just really focusing on the right now. I would a lot of times kind of get this image, if you will, of the Lord when he would lead the Israelites through the day, with the pillar of smoke, and then at night with the pillar of fire. Hopefully I didn't mix that up. You're fine. I'm sure somebody will correct me if I do. But it was that constant. Or when he gave them manna, it was for the day. It wasn't more than they needed. It wasn't less than they needed. It was literally what they needed for just that day. And so just allowing him to take care of you and trusting him for that day would be what I would be able to focus on. It reminds me of that verse. I think it's in Psalms, but it's through the message translation. And it literally says, Lord, I'm going to say it wrong, so it's going to be okay. It is the message. So you can mess it up. But it says, create a Genesis week out of the chaos of my life, which is start a new beginning out of this chaos. Because everyone's life is chaos. Whether you think it's chaos or not, at some level there's chaos. And so when I read that, I was like, yes, a start, a beginning. In Genesis, he looked at his creation, and he looked at that week in Genesis and said it was good. He never said it wasn't hard, but he said it was good. So thank you. That was beautiful. I'm so proud of you. I'm so glad you guys joined us today. We'd love to hear from you. Reach out to us. Anything we can answer for you, if we don't know it, we will get the answer. But I want to encourage you that your story matters because it makes another woman realize she's not alone. And if we can understand that isolation will keep us down, that will help us realize that our stories can give us another person to walk through life with. So, Melissa, thank you. Thank you for having me. Absolutely. And we're going to get her back because the girl has lots of chapters. So thank you again, and I hope everyone has a beautiful day. I hope everyone has a beautiful day.