Bereavement Committee

The speaker discusses their experience of joining a bereavement committee against their will. They explain the definition of bereavement and how losing someone important can be emotionally devastating. The speaker shares personal experiences of losing loved ones and discusses how their phone listens to them and collects data. They mention receiving videos related to bereavement after talking about their wife's death. The speaker also talks about the process of letting go of their wife's belongings and finding their own identity after her passing. They express their desire to create a sanctuary and gather with others. The speaker reflects on the absence of hobbies and the challenge of finding their own identity after being a husband for so long. hey what is this you get a twofer I'm making two back-to-back oh my gosh um Wow I got to do this one I got to do this one this might be like premature I should take notes and meditate on it and all that but um I'm gonna do it this one here is a sensitive topic to me but it's about being joining a committee I really didn't want to join I joined it against my will and if you leave it up to me I would never want to join this committee and I don't want anyone to join it it's the bereavement committee it's for people who lost loved ones you lost spouse child a parent um let me see definition the fact or condition of being bereaved okay a bereavement is experience of losing someone important to us it's characterized by grief which is the process and the range of emotions we go through as we gradually adjust to the loss losing someone important to us can be emotionally devastating whether it be a partner family member friend or pet hmm yeah I definitely agree it's a committee nobody joins since I've been working at Ford Motor Company 27 years I've lost my grandmother my last grandparent I lost two uncles great-uncles uncles lost both of my parents two of my siblings and my wife of 18 years Jackie and I tell people that your phone listens to you you carry your phone with you your phones in the house there's even smart televisions whatever it listens to you and um and I mean check out the video you know whenever you want to there was a guy that took two phones into Washington DC one he turned it completely off the other one he put on airplane mode and then he went for a driver on Washington DC and then he parked and then he went for a walk inside some of those nice federal buildings he when he got done he went back to his car turned on the little Wi-Fi hotspot thing turn the phones back on turn the one phone back on to the other one off of airplane mode and they traced his every drive in this every step your phone will do that to you too don't know who's collecting the data on you but if you ever do something wrong or they suspect you do something wrong or somebody doesn't like you they know your patterns they can find it out easily and you know one example is that I'll be talking to people about what happened to me after my wife died and next thing you know you know on apps it started showing stuff that you know of interest to me and one on YouTube was about bereavement well one was about two of them that the funny one I think is you know the longest people have been dead and nobody knows it the top ten people and like the number one was a woman was dead for 45 years and nobody knew it was like out in France up in Europe somewhere and she had an apartment and she lived alone and no relatives would come by no friends no one to reach out and touch to her and they all thought well you know she just likes being alone and her rent was taken right straight out of her bank and after about 45 years there was you know insufficient funds and the banks like there's something wrong and then the next month insufficient funds so these like all right there's something wrong here so they called the police to do a welfare check and landlord went out and open unlocked the door to police went in found a skeleton in bed and there was her house in her bedroom the way she left it 45 years earlier the TV was left on and like okay why am I getting this video I live alone now so one way that people would know that something happened to me is you won't hear from me through one app or another or text messages other than that I'm fine the second one was after my after Jackie died was you know what to do when you lose a spouse and like I'm thinking yeah my phone's listening to me okay fine and this was just a couple days after the funeral and so this woman is talking about what to do when your spouse passes away and it's like this ought to be interesting I think I'll watch this video and one of the first things that she said was get rid of all of their belongings and I stopped the video and I got out of bed and I'm walking around talking out loud like who do you think you are do you know who Jackie is who she was and what she done for people and how many people she affected and to this day still miss her dearly and everything and then another thought came to me this woman has been through this experience so she's talking about experience how long has it been since she went through this don't know but she has been down this path before so I kept watching the video and I also thought you know I lost my dad in 1999 my mom in 2001 how many of their possessions do I still own I mean I didn't get much and whatever I got I you know still have I've kept less of that I got a chili pot that's what I know I have other than that I don't think I got anything of theirs I didn't need anything and whatever I got you know someone else wanted more than me or needed more than me and gave it away so okay through time you collect less of people you know the person's stuff and Jackie had passed away I don't want to say at a convenient time because it was on our oldest daughter's birthday and three days later was our middle daughter's birthday and the day after that would have been her birthday and then four days later Christmas but we got a none of the kids wanted her clothes so I gave most of her clothes away to a clothing pantry at our church first there was a couple women that you know wanted some clothes and I was like okay great fine whatever you don't want let's donate to the clothing pantry somebody in need is going to get some clothes gently used and then the jewelry you know passed on my daughters and the rest of it I got somewhere in a box I'll go through it and maybe donate that somewhere to the church lighthouse missions they got a yard sale come up to raise money for food for the needy but I kept some clothing like some sweatshirts and stuff t-shirts and found someone who makes pillows out of those start giving those to our daughters and I've got one that I kept and it's mine and you can't have it you know a couple other things you know that I have just a few things but you know even in death she was still a giving person she was in the scrapbooks making she made a recipe books for our daughters on scrapbooking and stamps and stuff and colorful pages and she was going to make them for our boys and then she had her stroke but I was asking like well what recipes you're going to put in the boys cookbooks like the phone number to a pizza place I know my oldest son cooks my youngest son oh he makes awesome breakfast thank you Tim and but other than that I don't know what recipes they would make and so the scrapbooking stuff I asked the kids anybody who you know want this stuff nobody did I didn't she had little decorative bags that she would make gifts for the women at church so I decided to put stuff in some random bags take it to the church and we got a secret sister program there like twice a year they the women gather and they draw names out of a hat that's your secret sister and you can make stuff for her buy stuff for her give her a card or something with love and your secret sister and let them guess you know who it is but when you know they would fill out a questionnaire about themselves and so when you get your little secret sister you get the questionnaire she filled out when Jackie passed away she ordered a bracelet for her secret sister and here it was Christmas Eve service you know a week later and you know it's a woman approached me like Jackie bought this for a secret sister you know it's already paid for what would you want to do with it I said I'd want to find out who which name she drew found out whose name she drew and pulled the woman aside I says Jackie bought this for you and she drew your name so I'm gonna take her place you're my secret sister now so I'm I'm an undercover member of the secret sister program I'm so secret I didn't show up for the meetings it's my sense of humor coming out so she was still giving and everything and seven and a half years later I hardly have any of her possessions the house that we were living in I sold it and I downsized I had one of our kids living here for a couple of years and that's what this house is to be is you know if you need help you know you're welcome here you know if anybody wants you know wants to do laundry you know you know you live in an apartment and all the washing machines are being taken you want to do laundry hey you got a key come on over you know anytime you need to you know you want to come over and sit down you want this is a place of sanctuary and you know a place of gathering and I'm hoping to do more gatherings like maybe out fire pit this autumn that'd be cool so yeah and then another thing that I know I had to do is find out who I was I mean up until you know Jackie died I was a husband along with a father grandfather you know uncle great-uncle nephew friend son-in-law brother-in-law stuff like that she passes away and then there's that title of husband gone okay I didn't have any hobbies I would do individually except play my violin at church but then Jackie had her ministries at church I had mine and combined you know between us and our kids we covered a lot of ground in the church so who am I what do I like to do I never in my married life I never did anything on my own I mean Jackie had her best a couple of best friends that she hung out with and then there was people that she would randomly bless you know take them out to lunch you know make them a meal take them shopping do something just talk with them on the phone and then one night you know we got ready you know Saturday night we're getting ready for bed and she looks I mean it's like you don't have any best friends I said I got you she said good answer I said but um you know I don't hang out with any of the men at church because by the time I can it's the weekend and they're spending time with their wives so the middle of the week and during the week I go to work I come home I go to bed repeat and then here comes the weekend so there's nobody at work I hang out with afterwards so I got you know got ended up with no best friends at that time well I better get one I've got one now she was one of my wife's best friends and it's kind of cool to introduce you know her to other like we go out to eat yeah this is one of my wife's best friends like okay and they don't know what's going on the waitress won't and they're like well what's your wife think about that I ain't talked to her in about seven years um oh my wife called me her favorite comedian and I says is it because I'm the only funny one in the house you know do I win by default or what and she's like well yeah and then she's like hey you know like I was you know was I saying she wasn't funny no no no see sense of humor lots of jokes a lot of laughter that we had so got to figure out who I am what my hobbies are and you know been discovering myself maybe I need to look back at the last seven years and find out what I've done and then I find out who I am and what I like to do you lose the loved one that's the path I've been down this is me seven and a half years in this bereavement committee and like I said it's a committee I did not volunteer for it just happens and it happens to everybody so you know like my mother when my father passed away my mom and first time in her entire life she was alone you know what does she do a woman pushing 70 years old what does she do you know well spend time with family family invited her out family went over to her house and talked and she she gave us her wisdom so that's me bereavement committee I'm glad to know that I can help out other people who going through the same path and you know somebody would say you know hey you're Christian right you have to why do bad things happen to Christians and why do bad things happen to good people so my answer would be so the good people can help other people go through by experience I mean you don't want to have a you don't want to have a call at a 20 year old college kid you know being a marriage counselor you rather have somebody who's married 35 40 years be your marriage counselor you know married a lot longer than you so you know somebody with experience and I guess that's my experience that's my committee I did not volunteer to join but I think I'm doing a good job at it so um if you're going through you know you can reach out to me reach out to someone else has been through things and you're gonna make it but you got to take time you know finding yourself and finding out who you are and what you like to do and but most importantly you know you got other family members who also need your attention for who you are whether it's children or siblings or something like that you've got family members and there's still loved ones too you know don't shut them out but you also got to remember you need to take time out for yourself and that's very important too and people need to understand that so yeah I lost my wife of 18 years and our kids you know they miss her in their own certain special way and I miss her in my own special way and the grandchildren granddaughter mrs. grandma's but you know in her own way and other family members and friends they miss her in their own way and each of our ways can be similar in ways and different in ways and so you got to be patient with other people too and they need to be patient with you and you can talk about your similarities and differences that's important to talk so I hope that helps you out um you got a two for today I'm doing two but now it's tomorrow it's the 14th coming up this week would have been my dad's birthday on the 16th and then my best friend Jane she turns on the 17th it's okay she keeps me in check anyway it got this off my chest if it helps you let me know and thank you for listening I'm trying to keep this short sorry it's 18 minutes oops but I had to do this all right talk to you later I gotta go to bed