2024-05-29 I'm done with the sex thing

The speaker reveals that they have lost interest in sex and no longer feel the need for it. They attribute this change to their early exposure to pornography and a lack of access to women. They discuss their experiences in past relationships and mention occasional nocturnal emissions. The speaker emphasizes that they no longer seek physical intimacy or touch and are not interested in sexual encounters. They express a sense of freedom and contentment with their current state. They reflect on their experience of becoming a parent and the challenges they faced. Overall, they conclude that sex is not a priority or desire for them anymore. I suppose I've known this for quite some time, I've just never vocalised it. But I'm done with the sex thing. I mean obviously I've mentioned some of this stuff in passing along the way. The state of my non-sexual activity could be called celibacy. It could just be called circumstances. But the reality is I'm not interested in that sex thing anymore. And strangely enough in many ways I was never really interested in it at all. It was simply a reaction to having access to pornography at a very young age. I shouldn't have had that but I went looking in my dad's wardrobe and discovered that he had pornographic magazines. They were hidden but I found them. The idea of wanting, the lusting, I still went through a fairly typical normal young male process of masturbation regularly. I was able to use the images of those women and that helped. But for the most part I didn't really have access to women. I didn't have a girlfriend until I was 18 and she was a strict Christian. And so there was all this dilemma and issues about sex before marriage and if you're doing something you have to be careful. You can't have pregnancies and abortions. I didn't want all of that. It seemed very messy. There were moments of scare where I wasn't sure what was about to happen but it always turned out okay. There was a kind of taboo aspect that there was a part of me that wanted something I couldn't have and so I made it seem like it was very desirable. Maybe a lot of men have this feeling but the actual reality of the experience was never anything like I imagined it would be. But there are hormones and there are lusts and desires and certainly in my 20s it was very present but I was constantly having trouble. I was constantly losing desire. I was constantly feeling like I'm not interested in this. I still wanted to release. I wanted to orgasm. But for the most part doing it myself was enough and if I could have the assistance of a partner unconsciously in many ways to facilitate that, that was good enough. And honestly for many, many years I haven't wanted the thing that one does to make that thing occur. There's a tremendous attachment, psychological, emotional that takes place in men that not all men really understand once the orgasm takes place. I noticed it very acutely in my last relationship when actually I found it incredibly difficult to orgasm for quite some time. I loved the intimacy of the beginning of the relationship. I loved the closeness. I loved the feeling of wanting to be with her and I would try to turn that into a sexual act. I was okay at giving it, giving her pleasure but it didn't really work for her either. She wasn't able to explain what she needed in a way I could understand certainly not for quite some time and I felt a lot of pressure to perform. But even for me I found that I could do one of the things that I had always struggled with to last a long time, to not come quickly which I always felt made me feel immature. Suddenly I can last for ages. In fact not only can I last for ages but I don't actually come. You just have to stop at some point. It's not going to happen but it's okay. It's not that I am not erect or excited. So it all seemed fine but I knew something was wrong. It took a while for me to realise that actually this was probably going to be the last sexual relationship I'd ever have. Yes, from time to time I still need to release because I feel a pressure building and if I don't manually do something I will have a nocturnal emission. It will enter my dream and I will have what actually can be an incredibly powerful experience. Great pleasure can come from what seems to be virtual in the dreamscape initially and then manifests in the physical. But I find it messy and I have to clean myself up. I lose underwear and t-shirt. I don't want to soil sheets. I had this trouble when I was a child. I was embarrassed back then. Now it's not embarrassing, it's just annoying. So to avoid that, if I am aware of my body situation, after six weeks or a couple of months has gone by, I'll do my best. It might not always work to manually release so that nocturnal experience doesn't occur. Even though from a pleasure perspective it's the most pleasurable the orgasmic experience has ever been. It's far more pleasurable by a long way than anything that I've ever had in real life. I just don't want to have to deal with the mess. Especially if it's really cold, perhaps much easier in the summer. But in the winter I don't want to be getting out of bed for any reason and have to spend time cleaning myself and changing into clean dry clothes and having what do I do with these. I've got to wash them but I don't have access to a washing machine on a whim. I have to do it myself. I wash my smalls in the sink, in the library. In the summer it's fine because I hang it up. It's so warm in here that by the end of the day everything is dry. But I can't do anything like that in winter. I have to wait until I have enough to take it to Breadline, the charity that helps those who are homeless or live in vehicles and they will wash a bag of clothes for me. But often I have trouble ejaculating. I don't imagine. I don't want to use images. I don't need to be stimulated. And yet without it, it can be difficult. Not always but it can be. I just want to get it over and done with. I don't really like having to do it. I just know if I ignore it there will be consequences. But if I was able to ignore it and there not be consequences I would ignore it. I would just forget about it. I don't think about it. It doesn't occur to me. I can still recognize as I have always been able to recognize attractiveness but I no longer and haven't done for many, many years have to have that, have to get something from it. It turns it into some physical action. I seem to have recognized that for me there's something far beyond the physical and the physical is a base thing I don't need. I don't want. Intimacy doesn't have to be physical. Connection doesn't have to become physical. Love doesn't have to be expressed physically or sexually and rarely is there any touch. I don't naturally seek out the hug. I never need a hug and it seems that others understand because I'm not giving out the signs that require it. I don't need to touch. I don't need to be touched. That doesn't mean touch isn't nice. Of course it's nice. It can be lovely, very intimate, connecting. But unless I was to have an experience unlike something that I've had before where the feeling of connectedness and physicalness seems so right that it just happens naturally, spontaneously. I can't imagine myself doing anything like that, being in any situation like that and it doesn't feel like I'm ever close to. There's no desire, there's no idea, there's no imagining, there's no fantasizing. None of it matters to me. It's just something other people do. If I'm watching a drama and depending on how it's portrayed I'll usually look away or just quickly fast forward past it. I'm not interested in seeing it. Just like I wouldn't be interested in watching animals procreate. To me it feels very animalistic. And there is a certain freedom from a male perspective that comes from not needing the female sexual encounter. I've never been a player. I've never gone to clubs and pubs and tried to pull and had one night stands, ever. It's never been something I could do. I used to think it was simply a lack of confidence. I was too sensitive. I couldn't really deal with it. I was always someone who would fall in love really easily. The sexual interaction, the closeness, the intimacy was always overwhelming. So the concept of just having sex and then walking away was just alien. I could never consider it. But it could be that on some level I just knew that the whole thing wasn't real for me. That I was creating an idea of it, an illusion as it were. Some of it is just built into us. Some of it is chemical. The whole procreation of the species requires something quite powerful even though there's more than 8 billion of us on the planet now. So clearly it works. The fact that people are almost compelled to procreate just reveals it. I've had my experience of raising a child and hopefully learned something about myself, gave something of myself, that the experience was never wasted even though my daughter is not in my life at this time and hasn't been for many years. But I also completely accept that. I don't feel like there's something wrong in how things are. She came into existence at a time that was very different to how things are for me now and how I thought and her mother was very quickly someone I realised I couldn't actually be with. But the commitment to the act of procreation had already taken place and I experienced tremendous doubt over the continuation of my time there and yet I still did. I just could not give up the opportunity to experience being a dad. I just felt it was something I had to do. I may not have been very good. I thought I did okay but that's just my perspective and yet all of it comes out of the sexual desire. I had to feel terribly desiring of her mother in order for the experience to take place even if I believed at the time it was spiritual, that there was more going on than just one moment of sexual ejaculation. There was freedom. There was no fear of this producing a child. In fact there was a desire for it. I felt myself open to it, calling her essentially and nine months later she arrived almost to the day. But living in that world wasn't real for me. It was always difficult. It was always challenging. I could not really function well. I just wasn't equipped to live that way. I did my best many, many years but I realised perhaps I'd made a big mistake. I've made a lot of them and many of them have involved women. I don't have that longing in me now. I'm not pulled. I don't miss. I'm not aching. I'm not seeking. It rarely comes into my mind. I don't need to see it. I don't want to see it. I will look away, whether in fiction or in real life. Or sometimes I test myself to see, to notice if I see something that might certainly to others appear desiring, sexual and to notice that there is no reaction in myself. There's no desire. There's no need to continue doing this. Now I can't say that the future, I have no idea that this is how it will always be. I can't say for certain but I have a feeling at this time the way things seem at this time that is how it will be. We shall see.