episode 6 season 3-is love a choice

In this podcast episode, the hosts discuss whether love is a choice or something that just happens. They explore the idea that love can be triggered by certain feelings and interactions with someone, but ultimately it is a choice to pursue and continue loving that person. They also touch on the concept of love at first sight and how different people have different perspectives on it. They discuss the importance of getting to know someone's personality and characteristics before making a choice to love them. They also mention the role of faith and hope in love. Finally, they discuss the relationship between love and intimacy and whether love can exist before physical intimacy. Hey, welcome to word of mouth podcast. Oh my God, man, it's been a long, a hot minute, like we ain't been on the mic in so long. So it's going to get grimy yet satisfying. Good Lord, I don't know about that. It's going to be good, man. I ain't, oh my God, I ain't saw this lady in forever on this side. So we finna kick it. What up, Shel? Not much, dude. How are you? Dandy. Man, that's what's up. It's a beautiful day. This is weird. I know, it's been a long time. I don't even see my buddy out there. He probably done abandoned me. Mark said sayonara. Come back and see me, buddy. Hey, so listen, we are going to jump right into this thing because it's been a long time and we got some things to talk about. Nate's going to set me up for destruction. I am ready today. Oh my God. So listen, this topic today, of course, it's something that we all have thought about. We all have probably ventured into, but we've never really had conversation about it. And Shelby, she did a TikTok and she asked this question on her TikTok. So please go to her page if you know her. But she asked the question, is love a choice or is it something that just happens? I thought that was amazing. So I know I put in her comments, we're going to podcast about this. So let's jump into it. Is love a choice or is it something that just happens? If I can start off with scripture, the Bible gives an account in, I think it's 1 Corinthians 13. That's the love chapter. And it mentions a couple of things about love. It says love is patience. Love is kind. Love, it does not envy. It does not boast. It is not proud. It does not dishonor. I like when it says love never fails. Love that part. Love never fails. And we know that God is love. So I want to dig into this, starting off with that scripture, but also understanding, is it a choice or is it something that just happens? So I've got some questions. I know. I can hardly wait. I've got some questions. All right. First question. Have you ever been in love? Is that really what you're going to ask me? That was the first question. Have you ever been in love? Like knowing that you were truly in love, like you were in love. Yeah, I've been in love. How did it feel? Well, it was great when it was great. Hold on. Hold on. This is her answer. It was great when it was great. Okay, so being in love, when you knew that you felt that, that thing, did you make the choice or did it just all of a sudden happen? I think that, you know, like we just talked about a little bit, I think that when you, there's something within you that gets triggered about someone that you're interested in. Whether you see them somewhere, you work together, whatever, there's something that triggers those feelings or pursuit of those feelings within you. So that, I think, is not a choice. That, I think, is something that automatically happens. Now, what you choose to do with that or how deeply you choose to pursue that is a choice. That's the big question, what you choose to do with those feelings. So when you do, and we're talking about, let's just say relationships. When you do begin to interact with a person, whether you're dating, whether you are spending time. Yeah, work together or whatever. Yeah, all those things. When do, do each person know when feelings are involved? Like do you feel that the other person know how you feel if you've never expressed anything? Well, I think that innately we do have an understanding when someone appears to like us. Now, it depends on both people's status in life, whether they're already involved, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. All that stuff that is going to play into that. But I do think that we are able to pick up on that stuff. Is it behavior changes? Is it status change? No, I think you can feel it. You can tell when someone, there's certain things that transpire generally when someone seems interested in you, stuff like that. I've been thrown a smoke signal in that. If I can tell my different perspectives, I thought that flirting and interacting and kind of hinting around to that thing, the other person was like, nah, I'm good. That happens too. But I mean, and there's different types of personalities. Like there are some people that are very flirtatious. And there's people that aren't. There's people that are very closed off. There's people that are very withdrawn. And to even get them to interact is a big deal. So that has to play into it too. And if you don't know that person's personality, then you're not going to be able to read that very well, I don't think. Wow. So basically you just got to spend some time. And pay attention. And pay attention. Absolutely. But understanding that person, taking the time to understand that person, their personality, their. . . See how they interact with other people. If it's the same with you. Characteristics. Yeah. Are they flirtatious with other people? Is that just their natural state of being? Stuff like that. Okay. Are they complimentary to other people or are they only complimenting you? That's good. That's good. Okay. So when you have established that, let's just say you've established that part where you think that other person is into you and you're kind of into that other person. Right. When do the choice set in? I think that depends on your outlook, I think. I mean the choice obviously can start from that decision of whether or not you're going to pursue that person or you're going to pursue a relationship with that person. But when I was asking the question on TikTok, it was more of, in my perspective, like I said, I think that something triggers, you know, a want to get to know a person or want to, you know, you're interested in them. And that comes kind of innately and naturally. But I think that, and then I think that that can carry on for quite some time. But I do believe in every relationship that's a love relationship, a romantic relationship, a choice is made to love that person and continue to love that person. Have you ever heard the saying love at first sight? Yeah. Do you believe in that? No. Well, I shouldn't say no. I've never experienced it myself. But it doesn't mean that it can't happen for other people. Okay. Okay. But you personally, you've never experienced that. You are the kind of person, and everybody, as you just said earlier, everybody have their different persona, their different characteristics, who they are. And some people are really into looks and some people are really into figuring out a person's personality and their sense of humor. And, you know, there's certain things that matter more to certain people. So that's probably going to determine whether or not you're a love at first sight kind of person or not. So when do love kick in? If you have to go through all these loopholes, when do love kick in? You don't have to go through the loopholes. It's different for every person. True. And I don't think we sit there and we mull over it and go, I don't know, should I, should I not? Some of us do. Well, okay, some of us do. Some of us are analytical. Yes, that's true. But that, again, points out different personalities and different pursuits and ways of doing things. So I think for me personally, love is a choice. I think I make the choice after I see some things. I'm more of a… Analytical. You had to call me out like that. But I have to kind of discern. You have a method. No. Not that deep. Don't tell everybody. Look, I have to think about it for a while. And the analytical part… Do over it. Yes. And it gives me an opportunity to make the choice. I do believe that you can love at first sight, at first sight. And the reason why I say sight is because faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. And so if I can love something and not see it, so once I see it for the first time, I'm already in love with it. You think you can identify it like that? Yes. Really? I believe that. Wow. I 100% believe that. Okay. Due to the teachings from a biblical standpoint, I believe that it can happen. Now, are we willing to take that step as humans? Not a lot of us. We don't want to take that kind of step because we don't trust in that way fully. I think we give a level of trust to a certain extent. Yes, but I think that's kind of dangerous because if you're praying for a spouse, if you're praying for a mate, if you're praying for a companion or whatever, and you know that God knows what's on your heart and he wants what's best for you and all of that, I think there are certain situations where you can really want it so bad that you are grasping at every single thing that comes your direction. I agree with that. You're right. Hoping that that's going to be the right one. So the key word is hope. Yes. Hoping. Okay. Okay. So I think it could be, it definitely happens, but I think that's a dangerous place to be. Yeah. Yeah. Because your chance is left in hope and faith, basically. Right. So what happens when it's not? When it's not the right one. So thank you for kind of going into that segue, and I want to talk to women. So Shelby, you're here. I want to talk to women. This may get a little personal and deep, but I want to understand this from a different perspective, and I'm going to give you a man's perspective on this as well. So before you get to the place of love, you've established feelings. Both of you have feelings for each other. Uh-huh. Oh, he's got to think about how to word it. Right. Because, you know, spiritual people and, you know, those church folk, they may not like this. You mean religious people? Yeah. Not spiritual, religious people. They like the way this is presented. However, it's something that has happened, okay? Something that has happened. I think I know what you're going to ask. So for a woman, when you've established feelings and you're at that place of love, you know, the religion does talk about intimacy. Uh-huh. Can you love before intimacy? Okay. Let's talk about intimacy because I think that men and women have a very different perspective of intimacy. I'm going to go back to that, Dave, because I know what you're talking about. So I'm going to come back to that one. You're talking about sex? Yes. Okay. Can you love before sex? Yes, I know what you're talking about, but let me put it out there. So can you love before sex? Absolutely. You can love before sex. Absolutely. And this is coming from a woman. Who? She is laughing at me. So I'm going to answer this as truthfully as I can. Uh-huh. Good. That's what we do here. I believe men can. Okay. That was good. I saw what you did there. I believe that men can. I believe that men can focus on the concept of just pure love before sex. I believe men can. Men can. Some. Some. Uh-huh. A little bit. A few of them. I would say there's less men that can do it than women. How about that? Do you agree with that? I don't know if I agree with that because I feel like women want to know, too, before they actually walk into that place of love. Because, you know, you know. You want to try the goods before you. Some people be like, no, man, don't do it. You wait till marriage. But what happens when you get to the wedding day and then you get to the honeymoon and it's not what you thought? Do love end right there? No, love does not end right there. Love doesn't end right there. What happens? And commitment does not end right there. You committed to that person. So commitment stays. Yeah. And love stays. Yeah. But what happens when you're disappointed? You get over it. You get over it. You have to get over it. Oh, my God. Do you think that disappointment only walks into certain people's lives? It's in everybody's life. But you know that you have to, you're committed to that thing now that disappointed you. So it's going to disappoint you again and then keep this. You don't think that that frustration will kick in? Ask God to get involved and fix it so that it's not a disappointment. That is good. You grow together. That is so good. And you're willing to be open and honest about stuff. And that means everything. I agree. I 100% agree. This is the argument that a lot of young people will struggle with because they say, hey, I would rather try it first before I say yes. Try it before you buy it. Yep. I would rather try. And the logical point behind it is they're saying, I don't want to be tricked. And so we can display that. Okay, so we're putting way too much focus on the sexual satisfaction and not on the things that really are going to get you through life. Absolutely. That's why when we talk about love, is love just attached to one or two things? Or is it saying when I say that I love you? No, it covers everything. It covers it all. Because Christ love covered it all. Yes. And he made a choice to love us. So when I say I love you, and when he's talking about sex, let's go another route. What happens when that person have a bipolar moment and they flip out and they get angry about something that's weird and you're like, Hey, what just happened? Like do love in there? Well, I don't think that love ends with one moment. I think that love can be killed though, when there are consecutive moments that are ongoing and don't change. You said love can be killed. Yes. Explain that. You can drown that sucker like no other. When God doesn't want you to be in a situation of misery and abuse or whatever, that's not what he wants for you. So I do think that love can be killed. It can die. So I heard a saying growing up, especially in the married world where I think it was said like this. I grew out of love with you. Ever heard that? A lot of love, a lot of love with you or something to that sort. So you're kind of saying that, are you saying that to a certain extent? Yeah, I guess you could say it that way. It died off or there's nothing. We have nothing else for each other, but are we given 100% when we say we have nothing else for each other? Well, I can only speak from my personal life and when you are fighting and fighting and fighting, but you're the only one fighting and you've done it for so long, there's no fight left. And when you see that you don't matter enough for that other person to fight, why do you want to stay there? They've proven to you, they don't love you in my opinion. So that's what I'm talking about. And I think there's other situations like that, that that can happen. You know, financial hardship is the same as sex. Like that's, it's not the same, but I mean, if you're talking about, but if you're talking about things that can kill a relationship, when you're committed to each other, you know, if you're sharing finances, that can be a big killer. Huge. If someone's out there gambling and spending money, willy nilly, and you're having to work your own, you know, to try and remedy the situation and you cannot get out from under it. That can kill a relationship that can kill love. I've had quite a few conversations from a counseling standpoint in the position that I sit in, where I've talked to different couples about where they are and their status is when it comes to love. And I've heard finances, I've heard intimacy, the lack of, I've even heard political. I've heard, um, family in laws ish. Not want to go there. Um, I mean, I've heard a lot, even friends, from a friend standpoint where I don't like this friend, because when you're with this friend, you're a different person to this and that. And they don't feel like that. They can kind of reach you because yeah, you're cut off from me when you're with your friend. Oh no. Also, and this was a big one that I kind of, and I prayed all that time when I was with that couple. Um, but this one kind of threw me for a loop. The kids separated them, the kids, like the love of the children. Yeah. Hey, you love them more than you love me. And I don't appreciate it because I want that love. And it became worse than jealousy. Like it was like, now you got to make a choice between your kids. What? I've heard it all. And so that's to go back to the initial, um, tick tock. Love is a choice. It is. It becomes a choice out of, yeah, at a certain degree. I agree with that completely. Cause you got to think about all that stuff. As you said, finances, health. Yeah. About that one health. Um, especially as you get older. Health is a huge, and we never talk about it, but I promise you that's a big killer. Sometimes that's a deal breaker, right? Yeah. Major, major deal breaker from every extent, because one can be, you know, on a different page than the other one. And it just causes so many problems. Um, I'm going to have to go with it. It's a choice. It is. I agree with that. I think it's both. I think it starts out as not a choice possibly, but then I think it does become a choice. There's always an extent. There's always a space somewhere in a relationship where it becomes a choice. So, and that would suggest that to fall out of love with a person or to not love them again is a choice. I don't know that that's true because I do believe you can kill love. I think you can kill it. I think it can die. And I don't know that that's a choice because I can speak from fighting and fighting and fighting to try and save something. But when that other party doesn't want to fight. Then you make a choice. Right. But that feeling has also become dead. There's that feeling is not there anymore. That connection is not there anymore. That warm, fuzzy, none of that good stuff is there anymore. And the commitment part of the love isn't even there anymore because you're numb and you're done. When you get to that numb place, that's not good. Even being angry is better than being numb. And this is after the fight, right? You're speaking about after. Going on for, yeah. It went on for about a decade. Yeah. For me personally. Yeah. Yeah. Putting, you know, trying. Therapy and the counseling and, you know, all different steps, trying to do this and trying to do that. I wanted to make that point for listeners because they think that, you know, after one disagreement, you know, okay. Oh, gosh, no. No. So just to make it plain, it took time for you to get to a place. Half of our marriage, yeah. Gotcha. Gotcha. So after the fight, I think you mentioned that. And it wasn't fighting. Well, it kind of was fighting between us, but it was fighting for the relationship. It was fighting for, yeah, trying to make things better. That's when the murder became for love. You said killer. Murder. Murder. Yeah. That's when it was murdered. I think so. In that time frame, yeah. And you don't think that that was a choice? You think that that just happened? I did not consciously make the choice to not love him anymore. Okay. So I don't agree that I made the choice. I think that the feelings and the whole thing just caved in on itself and died. That's how I see it. That doesn't mean everybody, that I'm right. It doesn't. That's just me. I'm glad you're saying it that way because logically, if you make the choice to go into something, you have to make the choice to come out of something from a logical standpoint. So when you're saying, hey, I made the choice to love, but I didn't make the choice to not love anymore. And maybe there's a deciphering between being in love and love because being in love is probably what really died. Ah, we talked about that. And then the humanity love, the agape love, the Jesus love shouldn't die. It shouldn't. It should never die. Yeah. Christ's love never died for us and it's never going to. And so if that's the kind of love we're talking about, it should never die. So, yes, you are making a choice. But if you're talking about the in love, then I think you can kill it. So would you speak upon the foundational kind of love? Should that be implemented first? Foundational love being agape across the board. We're just going to love each other no matter what. This is our foundation. Absolutely. It should come first. So once that's put in place, then are you saying that in love should come after that? I think it can happen at the same time. I don't think it has to be first and second. So simultaneously? Yeah, I think it can happen at the same time because I think a lot of people can't decipher the difference between the two. Do I I am I have no feelings for my ex at all. I don't even have aggression towards him anymore. But there's the human love of my brother in Christ. That will always be there because he's my brother in Christ. But the any other kind of love is not there no more. It is not there. So that's when you kind of understand the difference in the styles of love. Now I'm just trying to explain. Yeah, hopefully. But did I just mess it up? I'm thinking about the waters. I'm thinking that the foundational part should never die. Right. But those feelings that we made the choice for that got murdered. I'm a foundationally loved my brother and my sister in Christ. But I ain't digging you no more. I don't like you. That's just like toxic people, toxic relationships. You love those people from afar. You don't love them up close. You know, you're not required to love them and hug them. And, oh, you're so wonderful and all that stuff. But, yes, we're supposed to love them still regardless. But we make a distance and keep that distance. It's the same thing. You can't keep toxic people in your life because they're going to poison you. Yeah, but I feel like wouldn't you think that you're confusing them if you say, hey, I still love you. However, I don't like you like that anymore. Well, are we talking about a romantic relationship? Yeah, like it was a spouse. Like I can say to my ex-spouse, man, I love you. And she'd hear that. Oh, he said he loved me. Well, first of all, I ain't ever going to say that to him. Second of all, whether I verbalize that kind of stuff or not, whether we verbalize it as people, we are still supposed to carry the love of Christ. And that means that we have to love everybody. No matter what. No matter what. Now, is it a warm, fuzzy love? No, it is just a constant I respect that person because he's a fellow human or she's a fellow human or a fellow Christian or whatever. It is merely like the respect of life itself. That's what I'm talking about. It doesn't have to go any deeper than that, in my opinion. But people make the choice to make it run a little deeper than that because they're saying, hey, you told me. Well, that's their choice. And that don't mean that that flies both ways. I agree with that. I think that's why I want to dig into it a little more because you ever heard the saying, there's a thin line between love and hate? Yeah. All right. With that being said, we're going to come back for part two. Are we really going to cut it off? Yeah, we're going to cut it off right here because I want to really hone in to the thin line between love and hate. What crosses the line? Hey, we'll be back. Talk to you in a bit. See you. .