episode 8 season 3-is love a choice

The podcast hosts discuss the concepts of intimacy, covenant, and the importance of affirmation in relationships. They emphasize the need for trust, honesty, and commitment. They also touch on the desire for a permanent and secure relationship, but caution against tattooing someone's name as a symbol of love. Hey, welcome back to Word of Mouth podcast with Nate and Shelby, man. We are in it. This is part three of, is love a choice or does it just happen? If you haven't listened to part one or part two yet, you might want to go back and listen to them as we wrap this thing up in part three, because we talked about quite a few things. We dug into some things, we shared some things, even personally. And so before you listen to this one, please go back and listen to part one and part two. But I want to dive into this one, Shelby, with something that we brought up in two was intimacy and covenant. Now, intimacy, again, we established that it's beyond just the physical sexual nature of it. Intimacy is when you do reveal everything, the good, the bad, and the ugly. So when you reveal all of that, you're exposing yourself and you are uncovering yourself to a place where you're trusting that that other person is going to. They got your back. And that they won't betray you. Wow, I just heard in the spirit. I want to say, even though Jesus knew why he was here and what was going to take place. But the example that was given about Judas compared to Peter, because both was a betrayal. But he told Peter, you're going to deny me. I don't want to be in, if I'm in a relationship with somebody or with somebody or in covenant with somebody, I don't want them to deny me. I'm not saying that on one perspective. I'm talking about in every aspect. I don't want to be denied by them. Because when you deny me, that considerably to me is betrayal. OK, so explain what you mean by deny. All right. So the difference that I see in the spirit realm, when Jesus had the conversation with Peter and he said, hey, you're going to deny me three times before the rooster crows. Yeah. He wanted him to understand that. Even though you're going to not. Be a part of me in front of people, you're not going to represent who I am to you in front of people. You're not going to own me. Yes. Oh, Jesus. That hurts. Yeah. To know that I'm OK with you behind. This is getting deep. I'm OK with you behind closed doors. Women, I'm talking to you. I'm OK. I'm OK with you behind closed doors. But I ain't OK with you out in the real world. Oh, my God. I don't want to be denied either. Betrayal. That's we know what that is. Right. I want to be denied either. No, who would want to? You only treat me like the queen of the earth or the king of the world in the house. Yeah, you can't. I'm not worth me. I'm good enough outside. We can't go. Catch me outside. Catch me. I'm not worth a date. I'm not worth holding hands with me in a park. I'm like all this stuff is real. Yeah. And not only women, because women do want that affirmation, but men wanted to. But men don't express that. No, we don't. No, we don't. But we promise you 100 percent. We want affirmation as well. Yeah. We want to be noticed in a way where you're proud of. Yeah, exactly. Doesn't everybody? I mean, like, yeah, I can't imagine being in a relationship where you wouldn't want that. Men don't say it, but we want it. We don't say that. We want you to tell us, hey, man, oh, boy, you look good bringing them groceries in. Oh, the sweat just dripping off your your brows when you mow the lawn and that shirt, it just fits and hugs you. Oh, stop it. You're just going for the lust part of it. You need to stop. No, but that's affirmation for us because we're like, man, I'm turning you on, you know, out here mowing the lawn or picking up poop or whatever it is. That feels good to us because that's attention. But it's appreciation, though. Yes, it is. Yes, it doesn't have to be like you look so good or whatever, but just I appreciate that you're doing this for us. That's how we take it. Right. Not in the lustful way, but that's how we take it. But I mean, yeah, I think definitely that I think both sides want to be appreciated and they want it acknowledged. But I think probably men more so. Because the nurture part of women will take over that appreciation. And so women don't need it as much because that's kind of what how we're made. Made up like that. That's why affirmation is so very important, I believe, for women, because to be affirmed is to say that she knows that she's protected. Yes, I got you. Yes, there's a security all women want. Can I be honest? Is to be secure. Period. That's that's as a woman. Yeah, I would agree with that. That's it, fellas. That's it. We out trying to man. We had the gym pumping 650. She didn't care less. Just like that. Just secure, though. Let her know that she can trust in you. And that's the thing, like secure doesn't mean like, yeah, you're the big man and you're going to protect her, which, yes, that's part of it. But it's that you're going to protect all of her soft underbelly and everything about her that she is not going to show to other people and not kill her with the piece of the glass that she tore. Yeah. And in the bedroom, too. Yeah, absolutely. Like she can trust you with her body in every way. That's why that emotion that comes from from women in from a sexual aspect like that's a lot coming from you all. Yes, that's our most vulnerable place. I mean, don't men can do whatever to us in that in that place. And, you know, if we don't have to worry about curling up in a ball in the corner afterwards, it's very helpful. Yes, I agree. I agree. And that's why we have to tell us we have to before you make that initial step. If you're not sure, don't do it. Don't do it. Don't do it. If you feel like, man, I just want to commit for a little bit. I want to be a part time lover. Yeah, I love you. Saturday night. Right. Love you some Wednesdays, some Thursdays, you know, then be honest enough to say that. I think she'd appreciate that a lot more than getting the boot afterwards. But I also say that to women. I say that to men, too, because once we all in, we all in, too. We might not express the emotional aspect of it, but we have some emotions that can get intense. So if you just want that part time guy, then say that to him. Right. Because this is where the love is a choice. It's very, very important. You're making a choice. There are some consequences that come with you not being honest. No, absolutely. So that now, to me, that takes off into that last rim and that's covenant. Covenant says, no matter what, we in this. That's it. It's a done deal. Ain't no turning around now. Right. I had an opportunity to go on a cruise a couple of weeks ago, and I woke up around, I don't know, four or 30 in the morning, and I wanted to see the sun rise over the water. What got me the most before the sun came out was all this water and no land. On that trip? Man, it blew my mind. And then I was reminded, if I'm ever at this place with a person, we're just out here. I don't even have a place to swim back. Can't even swim back. So if I commit, if I say, I love you, like this, this is it. I'm going to die trying to go backwards. Or I'm going to die when I jump in because I'm trying to get away from you. However, it is, we in this. Once we covenant, it's just water. Ain't no land. When we walk on land, we're walking together, but there's no turning back. There's no turning back. And I'm going to be honest with you. I desire that. Good. About damn time. I think that's why I'm very, very, very careful because I desire that. I'm tired of the playing around. I think most people do desire that if they're truly honest with themselves. But a lot of people like to put on the facade of I'm just carefree and I can do whatever and blah, blah, blah. Carefree. They don't want people to see them crying in their rooms when the door's shut. Carefree. Just do what I want to do. Keeping themselves alive with all the feelings of loneliness. Yep. Yep. And that loneliness will eat you up. I was at the gym this morning and I played a song. It was a song that I was playing in my headphones. And the lyrics to the song, it says, the name of the song is I Need You Now. And the lyrics in the song said, the agony of being alone, fear of doing things on my own. I threw my headphones off. I can relate. I can relate. Because it's agony. It is. And we can all do it on our own. Nowadays, whether you're a man or a woman, you can all do it on your own. Yeah. But it ain't fun. No. No. There are days where it's like cramps. Ladies, I ain't talking about y'all cramps. I'm talking about just regular eating cramps or whatever. But it bothers you. Very, very irritating. Yeah. So I'm very careful when I walk into that realm of covenant. And I do desire. Well, you should be. Everyone should be. That's not something to take lightly. You're bringing God into the situation. Yes. Anytime you do that, it's not treading lightly. It's a big deal. Do you desire covenant? Absolutely. God. For women, though, is that a desire up front or is that something that you work at? Well, I can't answer for everybody, but I think women tend to lean that direction. Up front? Up front. Okay. Okay. It's not something that you kind of gradually work your way up to. I think men more gradually work into it. I ain't talking about men right now. No. I'm just going to say. But yes. Okay. So for women, y'all just up front with it. I think we all go into it, for the most part, and most of us go into it with that mindset of this is going to be a permanent situation. Permanent. Permanent. I like that. It's a Sharpie situation. Yes. Yes. Permanent ink. Permanent. And can I just say, don't ever tattoo someone's name on your body? Oh, my God. She went out there with it, y'all. That's like the kiss of death, in my opinion. She went out there with it. If you're ever in a relationship with me, don't ever tattoo my name on your body. How about that? That's the kiss of death. I quit. Oh, my God. She said, do not tattoo her name. That's the kiss of death. Oh, my God. I think men do it to give a level of security. They think that that's saying, hey, now you've got to know that I love you. Yeah. Even though they are doing whatever. Oh, well. But they're saying, now you've got to know that I love you because I got your name on my body. Look, that don't mean nothing. You tattooed right over that. I promise you. That don't mean nothing. It's just some ink. Yeah. Yeah. Anyways, I don't know why we went off on that little tangent. So, love is a choice. Also, feelings that begin to happen from the beginning. I would say, listening to you today, I would say that the most important thing that I can take from this is to be honest. Always. And respect that person. Gotcha. If nothing more than just as another human being who has emotions and whatever. Respect is a big deal. Respect. And honesty. And with honesty comes trust. And then that kind of leads into everything else. Gotcha. All right. And I want to kind of step back a minute because I'm just the kind of person where I'm built to be in a relationship. I'm not a dater. I'm not a serial dater. I'm not a... I just can't do it. That's just not me. I know there are some people, some women, that that's their thing. And if that's what works for you, great. I just can't speak to that because I'm not that... I got a question. I don't know if I've ever been on a date, but I got a question. How have you never been on a date? That's my question. You've never asked anyone on a date? No. What the hell? I'm serious. How did you do that? My ex-wife, I remember saying, hey, can I meet you over at this McDonald's? And we just sit and talk. And then when we got there, I was like, hey, you want something? So because you didn't say it was an official date, it didn't count as a date? Yeah, because in my mind, I thought dates was, you know, you have to... And you want to go on a date? Yeah. And then you pick them up. And then you know, y'all sit at this fancy restaurant and y'all have this great meal. Probably if you asked her, she would consider that a date. Yeah. And then you go on a date. And then you pick them up. After the fact. Now, maybe not going into it, but after the fact, she probably would. Oh, so everybody that I've met at a restaurant. No, not me. You and me met at a restaurant. That was not a date. But yes, I think if you're romantically going in that direction. So romantically. Yes. All right. So, but don't... You have to ask a person, right? But the women's empowerment type thing nowadays is going to be like, no, you're going to ask me on a date. You're going to pay for that date too. They're going to demand that of you. Well, I mean, I feel like men should. However... But I'm just saying, it's a little different. The asking part, does that establish a date? Because I feel like, man, we can do that all day long. Why do we have to call it a date? Let's just call it, hey, we just went out to get something to eat. Okay. Run that back. The asking part, is that required? Is that required? Because can I just say, hey, let's go run and get... They're trying to differentiate. When I hear the word date, I think the way you were putting it is, I'm not a serial dater, right? So does that say you just can't go out to eat with anybody? And is a date just going out to eat? Well, okay. So I've been divorced three years and I did go out on several dates and some were like twice or three times with the same person. Mm-hmm. That's dating. That's getting to know if you want to go further with that person. Can that be a phone call? It can be, but I think that if they're putting the foot forward that they're honestly pursuing you, that's kind of a sign, like you were saying, the actual date is a sign that that's their intention. Can that still be a phone call? Because I'm putting... You have to be able to interact with that person in the flesh, in the outside world, because you can glean a lot of information being out with a person in public to see how they treat other people, how they react to situations, how their manners, all that stuff. So I think you need to go out with that person. So what if you work with them? You see them all the time. You're still going to see a different side of them when you go out in public, away from work. Really? Absolutely. People put on masks at work. You kidding me? So what about a neighbor? You see them all the time. You're still going to see different aspects of them that you never would see if you don't experience them in a public situation. And I guess my next question would be, what if I go to church with them? It's the same thing. Same thing. Okay. And people in church tend to be churchy when they're in church. Got it. That's the best behavior. Okay. Okay. Even though there might be demons sitting next to them. My God. Okay. Okay. So that's what a date is. Yeah. I think it's a kind of like social experiment to see how they act in public. Oh, okay. Okay. Thank you for establishing that. Because again, I don't think I've ever been on one now. And even when I looked at the word date, I felt like that was... Okay. But you married the woman that you just talked about, but you said you never had a date, but now you're trying to corroborate dates with her. Yeah. Because I don't even know if I said it was a date to her. I don't even know if I remember saying, hey, let's go on a date. I'm going to pick you up at seven and you wear something sexy and we just go out on the town. You wouldn't say wear something sexy. You mix it together. Oh, sorry. That's a little out there. But like that, I... Man, don't say that. Don't say... If you're trying to go out and take someone in the beginning, don't say that. Don't listen to me. I ain't never been on one. But yeah, I've never did that. But I will say women like someone who is decisive. That's what we want in our men. We want a man who knows who he is, who knows he's a man, who's secure in who he is, who will make decisions, who won't leave everything up to us, who will take initiative and who will take charge of situations. Don't be forceful because you'll get your teeth kicked in, but yeah, be in charge. There's a difference. Don't step over the line. Your teeth kicked in. Y'all heard that, right? Okay. I'm sorry. I got lost on that one. All your old grills is gone. You better go get a new one. Right. Your teeth kicked in. All right. All right. So... And women want to be pursued. And I don't know, do men want to be pursued? Because sometimes I think they do. Or do they want to be the pursuer? Both. Okay. I say both. Not pursuing from, in your words, and I use air quotes, dating. But after the fact, when the relationship's established. Yes. Pursuit has to be... The hunt has to continue. Yeah. The hunt's the fun part. Yeah. That has to continue. Because if that don't continue, then there's no... It's just blah. Yeah. And it becomes stale real quick. Yeah. Real quick. But men do... We require some type of pursuit. Some. Because here's statistics-wise. I mean, like, real statistic. There's 20 to 1 for a man. A good man, about 25. But there's 20 to 1 women. There's 20 women that want one man. If he's a good man, 25. They want a good man. Well, I'm just shitting on that. No, I'm just kidding. I say that from... Not that you have to be in a comparison with everybody else. Competition with them. Yeah. Because comparison does kill. However, knowing who you are is amazing to a man. You said that for a man, but also we love it too. Knowing your identity is everything. Yeah. Because when you start saying, oh, I don't look like her. Or I'm this. And I'm terrible. And that's a turn off. Because we know we've made the choice. Yeah. You know what you see in us. Exactly. So we like, man, I'm digging this. And you start putting yourself down. We're like, what? Wait. I know what I like. Why you don't like what I like? It's you. It's really you. So, yeah, we like that too. But I think we work with a lot of insecurities in the social aspect of things that men don't necessarily have to deal with. Yes. And that's true. And that's where the security part have to come in for us. Because we have to remind them, you got my attention. Yeah. Not only got my eyes. The affirmation. You got my attention. And it costs to pay attention. Yes, it do. That's a big cost. That's a big cost. I talk to Shelby a lot about the gym. That's why I go so early in the morning now because it's six people. But there's a floodgate of people that all have the same exact thing from a woman's standpoint that's in the gym and they have naked. And everybody got it. So you've seen a buffet of everything. Yeah. And everybody's showing it. And if I'm lying, I promise you, y'all can call me. Is there a call in here? But it's so broad to where, like, what do we do next? Because now it's everywhere. So that's. Pervasive. It probably would make a woman feel insecure if I'm seeing this, this, this, this, and this. I need to let her know you got my attention. I mean, you got it. And it. It means a lot that you are the one that has my attention. She needs to know that. Yeah. I mean, for me personally, any any man who steps up and takes charge of stuff for me because I've never experienced that like, damn. Uh, dude, you're here. Step it up. I already got that thing here. But anyway. But just that, just that I don't have to handle everything and I don't have to dive into everything and someone else is willing to get involved. Yes. Then hear that. It's not just Shelby. Like, there's some women. I've heard a couple of women say that. Like, why are you asking a question? When she asked a question, I've never understood why people ask questions with questions anyway. But when she say, well, what do you want to do? And then you say, well, what do you do? Make a decision like she's talking truth, fellas. She's talking truth. Understand who you are. It's not, you don't have to walk around and treat her like, you know, she's the scum of the earth and you're dragging her by her hair. Hell no. Don't do that. You're going to get your teeth kicked in. Right. But definitely know your identity, know your identity. Absolutely. We want a man that's established in himself and is comfortable in himself and he can make mistakes that don't matter. We all do. We absolutely. So we're not looking for perfection, but just someone who is someone who is consistent and knows who he is and steps up to the plate and, you know, makes this and is a leader. We've talked about that before. That's what men are supposed to be. Biblically, they're supposed to be the leader and the protector. You brought up a word, man. I've heard probably every woman that I've ever talked to have said that one word consistent. Like, I don't know where y'all get that word from, but y'all mean that like y'all have said that over and over. There's so many that are inconsistent. Whoa, like y'all be saying that a lot. Consistency. Yes, absolutely. It means, fellas, we fell in somehow, some way in the consistent area. Yeah, I think that it's and it's it goes back to the commitment thing. I think that's part of it. I agree. You're right. If the consistency isn't in the commitment, then don't be committed. Hey, actually, that's a Facebook post. If consistency is not in the commitment. I'll let you have that one. That's really good. Then stop saying, man, you committed to it if you're not consistent with what you're saying. That's good. That's a fact. It is facts. And it goes both directions. It's a universal thing. It is. I don't know if we really hone in. I've been using that word today. Hone in. I don't know if we hone in on consistency. I think we we pay attention to. Accuracy. Explain that. Accuracy, your your focus, like we want to see what you're focused on. Because some of us as protectors, some of us as the leaders, if we see your focus, then we'll know how to handle you because we see what you're focused on. If your love, your compassion is for helping people, we'll begin to understand how we can help you help people. That's a real leader. Now, not everybody's that way, but sometimes we want to see how accurate you are in that thing that you have passion for. The Bible says where your heart is, where your treasure is, your heart will be also. So you want to see where her treasure is. What is her desires? What is what is her passion and support that? Give her that support. That's a that's a big deal. Because, yeah, I missed out on that for a long time. And that's a big deal. Accuracy. That's why I wanted explanation, because I wouldn't describe it that way. But but yes, to be supported in what you are pursuing. It's a it's a thing. That's a thing. It's huge. That's huge. Why? Why not support? We ready to to a lot of it has to do with jealousy. Oh, my God. Because if she's spending more time with that thing than she is with me, I'm jealous of that. Even if it's not a consistent thing that she's spending time on, like if it's not consistent, that she's spending a lot of time like there's events and you have to put time into it. And then there's quiet time where the relationship flourishes and all that stuff. That's your focus. But yes, there's jealousy involved. Men get very jealous about stuff like that. Absolutely, because we want that time. However, if you begin to understand her passion about it or participated, you still spending that time, right? I mean, it sounds like it's elementary because some men do fall into the jealousy category. And we like, well, you know, you must love that more. You love just participate in it. But there's some men that get jealous over your relationship with Christ. That's a bad thing. I don't even understand that. That's hard to grasp. That's so hard to grasp. I don't even have words for that, to be honest. Christ died for all of us. But you're a believer. He died for all of us. I know, but you're a believing man. So I don't know that you would have an issue with your wife or girlfriend pursuing her relationship with Christ. But there are people who are not set in their belief, and therefore they are jealous when they see time spent with. Do you think there's women like that, too? Oh, sure. Seriously. And that I've never met. I think that's I think women tend to be leaning more towards a spiritual relationship. So I think it's fewer and far between with women having that issue. But I wouldn't rule it out. Even being a nurturer. That's your makeup. That's women's makeup. Like you all care for things. So can you see a woman saying, hey, I'm jealous of your relationship with God? If you're an agnostic or you're an atheist, are you going to be happy that someone's spending time with? Good point. Good point. We covered some ground. Yeah, we did. We kind of did this for a while. Yeah, we covered all kind of stuff. But it's also a conversation that I know I wouldn't have heard just in regular, normal places. No, we like talking about that stuff. We do. We're open, honest. Work it all out. And y'all don't have to agree with us. And that's fine. We're good with that. At least it's talked about. At least it starts a conversation, opens a discussion. So thank you all so much for today, for tuning in. Part one, part two, and part three of is love a choice or is it something that just happens? Thank you, Cheryl, for bringing that up on TikTok. Like, I saw you driving. Like, did it just hit you? Did the Holy Spirit just kind of drop that in your shirt? Okay. Okay. That was good. Yeah. Not me. That was, it's a conversation that I'm glad we had. Hopefully people revisit their relationships, commitments, choices, all of the above. Decisions. Yes. They revisit it and they say, hey, you know what? Let's talk. Let's talk. Thank you again for tuning in. Love y'all. Love y'all so much. We'll see y'all soon. Bye.